Squandered Blessings

Dad's death. Uncle Chris and Aunt Amy took us in, God bless 'em all. Uncle Chris put the house up for sale, and I had the job of packing everything up. Every time I tried to get her off her ass to help, she'd get all hysterical every time she ran across something of Dad's. Then she'd just stop and bawl for like an hour. Jesus. Absolutely useless again. I still had to go to school, too, so she had all damn day and I'd come home and find her sitting in front of the computer and making some excuse that it was all just too painful for her. But her sixteen year old kid could handle it so much better. Thanks Mom. Thanks a lot."

  "You transferred schools, didn't you?"

  "Yeah. Uncle Chris didn't want me to fail, so he talked my cousins into helping me out. Well, not having to do all the damn chores gave me some more free time to do homework. It was still hell, but it wasn't as bad as my first two years. I had parents for the first time. I was allowed to be a kid. I wasn't expected to be the adult. Really pulled myself together."

  "Yes, I agree you did quite well," the doctor said.

  "It still sucked. But hell, it sucked for Ben and Margaret too, and God did they have things better than me. Finally I work my way through and even get a little scholarship for academic performance. And what does Mom say? That Dad would be so proud and that she's so proud and she knew all her hard work would pay off. Excuse me? What the hell? Her hard work? I was so mad I went off on her. Screamed at her that she never did a goddamn thing. Uncle Chris tried to calm me down. It didn't work. She just sat there and cried and cried. And you know what, Doc? I didn't care. And you know what else? It didn't matter. I checked her forums and she was whining and moaning about how her confused son was taking out his anger on helpless little her and how lost she was." He blew out a long stream of smoke. "Screw it, you know? I was glad to get off to college. I was proud to be able to take care of myself. Well, when Margaret left for college, Aunt Amy and Uncle Chris sure as hell didn't want to take care of Mom. They begged and pleaded for her to get a job and find a place and wanted me to beg and plead but she just kept crying and saying that she couldn't work with her diabetes and how she was still in mourning for Dad."

  "Is that when they started to look into a long term care facility for her?"

  "What else could they do, Doc? Grandpa died that year, leaving only Grandma, and she's completely deaf and pretty arthritic. Mom should have been taking care of Grandma, but that wasn't happening. God. There isn't enough room for people who really need those spaces, and there's my Mom, barely past fifty, too damn helpless to take care of herself getting one of those spots. Pisses me off." He switched his position again. "Mom had everything, you know? Grandma and Grandpa were well off, and never expected much of her except that she'd go to college. She went to a good school, didn't fall in with the wrong crowd, and when she got to college, she got a 2.5 average in philosophy. What a BS degree that is, and she was so lazy she just barely passed. She couldn't take care of herself. Grandpa and Grandma took care of tuition and bills, but the other stuff like you know, eating, she just didn't do. Lived off junk food because it was easier. Ate crap in the dining hall because she could. She marries a man who deserves better and spends the next twenty years of her life sitting on her ass doing nothing. Nothing. And now she's in a nursing home because she's so damn useless. And there are people who are really suffering out there who'd give up ten years of their lives to have half the opportunities she's had. Totally squandered everything so she could sit on her ass and pretend she was making some kind of difference. Jesus Christ, Doc. What the hell? How can I respect that kind of crap?"

  "Are you going to speak to her at Commencement?"

  He tapped down the cigarette. "I don't think she'll be there, Doc. I think she's going to be too sick to make the trip. It'd be an overnight trip, you know. Grandma will be there, but Mom won't. You watch, Doc."

  "And if she is?"

  The young man shrugged his thin shoulders. "It doesn't matter what I say; she never listened to a goddamn thing that she didn't want to hear anyway. Not from me, not from Dad, not from her brother. Hell, I'll bet she would have ignored Jesus too. I figure I'll just ignore her and talk with my aunts and uncles and cousins that I hardly ever see. She lives in her own little world, where everything is happy and all about her. Nothing I say or do now is gonna change that. So I figure, screw it. I got better things to do than waste my time talking to her. Bless Aunt Amy and Uncle Chris for trying, though. You know, they've never tried to get me to reconcile with her. I guess they understand." He glanced at his watch. "That's the hour, Doc."

  The older man looked his own watch. "So it is, Ignatius. I think we've made great progress this week. Will I be seeing you next week?"

  "Yeah, probably," he said, extinguishing the cigarette. "Thanks for listening, Doc."

  "Thank you for talking. I think this is the start of a new healing period for you."

  "Whatever, Doc. I just hope you can help me get my head straightened out enough that I won't need to see you anymore." He stood up and grabbed a faded windbreaker.

  "That's my job." The doctor stood up and shook hands. "Congratulations again."

  "Thanks. You know, I think only one good thing ever happened because my Mom was so lazy."

  "What's that, Ignatius?"

  "She only had one kid. I'm pretty screwed up. God knows how bad my sibling would've been. Better just to screw up one kid, you know? Bye, Doc," he said, and shuffled out the door.

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