I suppose we’re still friends. But really, how close can friends be when it’s all online? Oops, I’m sorry. You fell in love online, didn’t you?
k.
---------------
From: starlight
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Data collection
What do you mean “how close can friends be online?” I thought we were becoming really good friends! But, come to think of it, friendships have to be give and take. I see now that I did all the “giving.” I told you about my life, but you never told me anything about yours. I don’t even know why you’re a distant learner.
Maybe if you’d shared more with me, told me why you really quit the project, our friendship could’ve grown. You seem to have changed. I didn’t have to meet you in person to figure that out.
Goodbye Kaleigh. It was nice knowing you (or not).
Your ex-friend,
Shari
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: starlight
Subject: Re: Data collection
Shari, do you really believe that if I told you, through email, more about myself, that we’d become better friends? I could tell you anything I wanted and you’d have no way of knowing if it were true. What’s the point?
k.
---------------
From: starlight
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Data collection
You know, you’re right. It’s hard to know what to believe, isn’t it? And I know 2good must have made you suspicious.
Well, guess what. You’re right about me, too. I am not worthy of being your friend, online or off. There never was a Chris. Or a Matt. I made them up.
Shari, the online liar
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: 2good4u
Subject: Data collection
2good, I know that some (all?) of the data you gave me was made up. The whole project was quite the joke, wasn’t it?
Just thought you should know that I know.
Kaleigh
---------------
From: 2good4u
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Data collection
hey, we had fun, doncha think? i really enjoyed being a famous movie-star stud, if only in my mind. And i’d started to fantasize about you, too. Sweet, sweet Kaleigh. i’m sorry my cover was blown so early in the game.
So who are u, really? i sense you’re not quite as sweet and happy-go-lucky as i thought. why do u do school by correspondence?
2good
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: 2good4u
Subject: Re: Data collection
Why would I tell you anything?
kaleigh
---------------
From: 2good4u
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Data collection
Because u think I’m clever and funny and stud-like. And u have the hots for me.
2good
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: 2good4u
Subject: Ha!
i needed a laugh. thanks.
k.
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
Subject: Liars
So Jamie, i just found out that Shari’s a liar 2. My whole project was a complete farce. i feel like such a fool.
Anything u want to confess? Did u really save a girl’s life? Probably not. i don’t know what 2 believe anymore.
Kaleigh.
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: B.A. Stargazer
Subject: Science Project
Ms. Stargazer,
I’ve finished the treatments, but still feel gross. I won’t know for months or even years whether the radiation worked or not. Even if the tumor appears to be gone, the cancer may have spread to other parts of my body. Not knowing is killing me faster than the cancer. And the treatments may have made me sterile. And they may have weakened my heart. Isn’t that just grand?
Everything is wrong. My real-life friends are gone. My online friends are just a bunch of liars. For a while I used you and your horoscopes to give me hope, but now I realize how stupid I was. Mr. Selenski tried to warn me, but I wasn’t listening. I guess I didn’t want to hear.
I can’t believe I’ve been writing to you like this. You must have had a good laugh. And here I am doing it again.
You won’t be hearing from me anymore.
Kaleigh Wyse
March 4
I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!!
I must be getting my strength back. It was easier not to care either way, to lose the fear. It’s back, big time. Shit. What a friggin roller coaster.
I luv my mom. I do I do I do. BUT I NEED HER TO GET OUT OF MY LIFE FOR A WHILE!! Just the way she looks at me makes me crazy. All the pampering and the fussing and and and!!!!!!!! Even Dad seems to avoid her.
What have I done to their lives?
I just want to go back to the way I was, before cancer!! Is that too much to ask?
Obviously it is. I’ll never be that Kaleigh again.
I feel like such an idiot, being strung along by shari and what’s his fat face. And writing to that astrologer? What was I thinking! Writing in this journal is almost as stupid, but at least no one else is reading it. I guess if I had someone, ANYONE, to talk to I wouldn’t need this.
Life sucks. Even the word “life” is phony. It sounds active. Full of possibility.
It isn’t. I know that now. For a while we are tricked into feeling like it is, that the “sky’s the limit,” that only our attitudes can hold us back, that miracles are possible. Just another pack of lies.
More Recording
and Analyzing
Forecast For the Week of
March 5 – March 11
by B.A. Stargazer
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Listen with your heart. Forgive.
Don’t give up hope and never
think that you are alone. We
are all together and much
closer than we know.
---------------
From: jselenski
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Science Discovery
Dear Kaleigh,
Just checking in to see how you’re feeling.
By the way, last night I was reading of a tremendously interesting science discovery that made me think of you. It seems some researchers were trying to determine exactly how much a person’s outlook/attitude affects their health. These researchers took swabs from the inside of people’s mouths and studied the cells found there. People with positive outlooks had cells that showed their immune systems were working well. The cells from people who were depressed indicated their immune systems were not functioning at all well.
So, Kaleigh, keep on thinking positivly and you’ll strengthen that immune system of yours, which, in turn, will help you get well.
Mr. J. Selenski
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: jselenski
Subject: Re: Science Discovery
Dear Mr. Selenski,
Maybe those researchers have it backwards. It could be that having a weak immune system makes a person depressed, not the other way around. It’s a lot easier to think positively when you’re feeling well. And besides, I don’t know if there’s a connection between developing a tumor and having a weak immune system.
Thanks anyway.
Kaleigh
---------------
From: jselenski
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Success!
Kaleigh,
What brilliant critical thinking skills you’ve developed! You’re absolutely right about that research on immune systems and thinking positively. Was it me who taught you to think like that? Oh dear. I guess that would be rather presumptuous of me to presume, wouldn’t it? (There you go, another personality clue to my sun sign. Presumptuous.)
That said (and you may be right), what have any of us got to lose by at least trying to think positively? Scientific research has shown a correlation between positive thinking and good health, and if we at least attempt to see the good around us instead of the bad, we’ll feel temporarily better, don’t you think? It works for me, anyway.
And you forgot to tell me how you’re doing. Well?
Mr. J. Selenski
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: jselenski
Subject: Re: Success!
Mr. Selenski,
The treatments are over and I feel a little less tired. My science project is a mess, though. I’ll spare you the ugly details, but the data I collected is a bunch of crap. You wouldn’t want me coming to false conclusions about horoscopes and astrology, would you?
I’m resigned to a zero on the project. I’m thinking I may even drop out of school and do something fun for a change. If my life is going to be short, it might as well be sweet.
Kaleigh
---------------
From: jselenski
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Success!
Kaleigh,
I can’t believe you’d quit school. You have forced me to preach to you one of my most famous lectures.
Lecture #467
In the face of adversity (and no one is spared some truly difficult times in life) we can decide whether we are going to give up or take that proverbial bull by the horns and get on with it. Not one of us knows what tomorrow will bring. We have little control over our circumstances, but we can control our thoughts.
Here endeth the lecture.
Seriously, Kaleigh, I know you feel helpless when it comes to the cancer, but you have today. And you can plan for the future. Don’t give up now. You’re almost through the worst of it.
Mr. J. Selenski
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: jselenski
Subject: Re: Success!
Believe me, Mr. Selenski, I’ve been holding tight to those bull’s horns, but sometimes I feel like I’m on a bucking bronco.
Okay, I won’t quit school, yet. But if I find out I still have the tumor, I’m out of here.
Kaleigh
---------------
From: jselenski
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Success!
That’s my girl!!
And please continue to work on the science project. Report to me what you learned in your research and what the data — no matter how untrustworthy—would lead you to believe about horoscopes. Don’t worry about progress reports and what not. Just work on a final project.
Mr. J. Selenski
---------------
From: blondeshavemorefun
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Liars
Hey Kaleigh,
r u suggesting i might be a liar 2? i resent that! i know u have a right to be ticked off at 2good and now at shari, too, but i have been completely honest with u. i did make that phone call and that girl was rushed to emergency because of my call. what i don’t know for sure is whether i would have done it if i hadn’t read my horoscope that day.
i can’t believe you’d think i’d lie to u.
jamie
-------------- From: cosmicgirl
To: blondeshavemorefun
Subject: Re: Liars
Jamie,
Why should I believe you? You can tell me anything you want, just like shari and 2good did. I don’t know you. I will never know you. If I could look you in the eyes and hear you say that you were telling the truth, then I might believe you. As it is, I can’t trust anything online anymore.
I’m sorry. I thought I liked you.
Kaleigh
---------------
From: blondeshavemorefun
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Liars
That’s crap, Kaleigh, and you know it. Can’t you just tell from our messages that I’m sincere? What motivation would I have to lie to you?
jamie
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: blondeshavemorefun
Subject: Re: Liars
What motivation did 2good and shari have? They lied just for the fun of it. And maybe you are too.
kaleigh
---------------
From: blondeshavemorefun
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Liars
Kaleigh, i don’t know why i feel compelled to make you believe me, but i do. i don’t give up on friends so easily, and neither should you.
Here’s some more honesty.
The reason i do school by correspondence is because i’m albino. That’s why i go by blondie. It’s a nice nickname. Most of the names i’ve been called aren’t. i don’t look “normal” and can’t handle the constant reminder of that at high school. It’s much easier 2 hide behind this computer screen.
i didn’t want you to know because i thought it would scare you off. i like you, and i do believe in online relationships. But i guess it won’t happen now.
So, do you think i’d lie about this?
jamie
---------------
From: blondeshavemorefun
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Liars
Kaleigh, are you there?
jamie
---------------
From: blondeshavemorefun
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: Liars
kaleigh, i tell you my biggest secret, and you haven’t written back. is it because you can’t handle that i’m albino?
jamie
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: blondeshavemorefun
Subject: I’m so sorry
Jamie, I’m sorry. :( I’ve been so embarrassed I just didn’t know how to respond. I should have known that you were telling the truth. And if you think you don’t look “normal,” you should see me! I lost all my hair recently (chemotherapy) and now it’s growing in like peach fuzz all over my head.
Now I know what you meant when you said you were “very white.” I thought it might be a racist comment or something. Lol.
Can we start again? (I hope you won’t change your mind about me now that you know I’m practically hairless.)
Kaleigh
---------------
From: blondeshavemorefun
To: cosmicgirl
Subject: Re: I’m so sorry
Kaleigh,
Thanks for being honest with me, 2. I figured u must be sick with something quite serious. How are u doing?
jamie
ps At least your hair will grow in. I’ll be albino forever.
---------------
From: cosmicgirl
To: blondeshavemorefun
Subject: Re: I’m so sorry
Hi Jamie,
I’m actually starting to feel a bit better. I’ve finally finished radiation treatment and now I’m not as tired all the time like I was for a while, but I just can’t get back my … I don’t know. My SELF! I feel like someone else, not me anymore. I used to be one of those people who’d wake up each morning looking forward 2 the day.
(Well, after the drowsy part wore off. You know what I mean.) When I was first diagnosed, I’d wake up happy, as usual. And then, WHAM! I’d remember. It was such a shocking jolt. I’d try to go back to sleep, where I could forget, but that was impossible. Why me? I kept asking. I didn’t do anything wrong!! I’m a nice person!!! Why couldn’t this happen to a not-so-nice person??? There�
��s enuf of them around!
I also began waking up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat but shaking at the same time. Was it going to hurt? Would the chemo make me sick? Would I lose my hair? Was I going to die? What did death feel like? Why me why me why me!!!!!
One time I woke up from an awful nightmare where I’d been lying in a coffin, dressed in a long white dress. My friends were all looking down on me with sad faces. I wanted to scream, “I’M NOT DEAD! I’M STUCK IN THIS BODY BUT I’M NOT DEAD!” but my mouth wouldn’t open and I couldn’t move. It was awful. I got out of bed and went down to the kitchen to get something to drink. That’s when I heard an odd noise coming from the basement. At first I was scared, but then I realized it was not the kind of sounds a burglar would make. I crept down the stairs and saw a light in my dad’s workshop. The noise I heard was him crying! Deep, horrible sobs.
It just broke me up. My mom and I had been doing lots of crying, but my dad was always strong for us. That night I learned his secret. He was crying when he thought we couldn’t hear him. That confirmed my fears. If Dad was crying, he must know I was going to die. Dad wouldn’t cry otherwise. He would always hang onto hope.
These days I wake up and feel nothing. I’m not dead yet, but emotionally I guess I am. Well, maybe not completely, but pretty close. It’s been a long haul. Everyone keeps telling me to “think positive.” It’s so easy to say, but not at all easy to do. And I hate it when people tell me everything is going to be okay. No one knows that! It just pisses me off when they say it. I know they are trying to help, but it doesn’t. It just makes me wish it was them who was sick.