can’t.
I said, Slow
down
okay? I said, Let me show you the place
and
then
we can hang out
upstairs.
I
watched
her walk through the living room
the dining room
into
the
kitchen.
Part of me it thought, Maybe she’ll
guess. Maybe she’ll
sense
the truth
now that
she’s
here.
I couldn’t pinpoint if I wanted that to happen or not.
The good news is the
inside of my house
passes
just like the front
apparently
‘cause she passed through every spot where Mom gets
beaten
like nothing.
Even in the
kitchen
she couldn’t tell she stood right by the stove she stood right where Mom
stirs
those potatoes and
eats
lead
and she
didn’t
feel
nothing.
She didn’t get
jumped
by that feeling of doom it grabs me it sinks in my chest it wraps
round
my
heart and twists
twists
twists
when I
step
on that linoleum she didn’t breathe in that fear
the whole kitchen
reeks
of
it’s built up like grease on the walls she didn’t hear
my
mom’s
cries
they vibrate through my bones
even though she stopped crying so goddamn long ago.
I don’t know if I’m
thankful or
betrayed but
this time
she didn’t
feel
my
pain.
She said it’s so
nice she said it’s so
homey.
She said
my house it’s so neat
and practically
immaculate.
She was
surprised she’d thought maybe there’d be clutter
chaos
a heaping mess
maybe that’s why I didn’t want her there.
You could say that,
I
thought.
You could definitely say that.
She said she’d had visions of
filth she
laughed she
said
the way I acted trying to
keep
her
away
she was expecting
maybe even
pestilence.
Yeah.
That’s it exactly,
I wanted
to tell her.
I wanted to
shake
her I wanted to
scream, We’re
surrounded by filth and
pestilence don’t you
see it?
Poor Doll she thinks my house is clean but it couldn’t be any dirtier.
It’s
stained
there’s streaks everywhere they don’t never come out no matter
how much
you
scrub.
After that
after we left the kitchen
I felt off I felt
woozy maybe even dazed a little
like when a bird
smacks
into glass
and then lies there all stunned
it was kind of like that.
I staggered away
at least in my head
I guess I seemed like my regular self ‘cause Doll she
didn’t
notice.
We headed
up
to my room. When we got to the top of the stairs I
past that
closet.
If we lingered
there if I got caught in that
trap
then I might’ve spilled it all out
I might’ve messed up everything
the mood
our plans
her
I would’ve spoiled them all
by telling her
the truth by dragging her into the
dark
with me.
Once I got her through my
door
it was okay I felt
okay
again I let out my
breath
I didn’t know I was holding it in.
I felt all the
good
stuff she makes me
feel I felt all the good flowing from her
into
me.
And all that other
stuff that
bad
stuff
it just lifted up up up off of me.
She was kissing
kissing
kissing me she was touching me I could breathe again and it was okay.
Dorothy
His room’s the color of midnight.
Some would call it black but they’d be wrong.
It’s darkest blue, it’s got the slightest dab of white in it, barely noticeable but undeniably there.
I wonder if that tinge of white mixed in midnight is dawn. I wonder if dawn’s there always, inside the night. I wonder if dawn’s tucked somewhere in midnight’s folds, safely stowed until its time to shine.
He holds me close, and I can feel the warmth. I feel the light inside him, spirited and hopeful.
Waiting.
Waiting for its time.
His room’s the color of him.
We’re cuddling on top of his comforter, which is black. His bed’s centered against the back wall, facing the door. Other than his night stand next to us, his dresser to our left and his bike parked to our right, his room’s pretty stark. Even the floor’s bare wood.
The few personal items in sight are from me. His boxing gloves and wraps are on top of his dresser—he actually wears the wraps most days, if we’re not going to get completely physical. My birthday card is on his night stand, along with The Catcher in the Rye, which he’s almost done reading even though he says he can’t stand Holden Caulfield. He does have posters on the walls: Ozzy right behind us, eyes crazed and mouth baying; AC/DC, Nirvana, and other bands scattered around the room; and on the ceiling above the bed there’s some model in a bra and panties. He apologized for that, but I couldn’t care less except that it’s sad for her to have to put herself out there like that, with her body twisted into a seductive pose which is ridiculously unnatural.
“Kind of a let-down, isn’t it?” he asks, breaking into the quiet. We haven’t been able to share complete silence for over a week. It’s a great thing to be so comfortable with someone that you don’t need to fill up every moment with words.
“What is?” I know he doesn’t mean the sex.
He strokes my arm. “My room.”
“Why would you say that?”
He sighs. “It’s just … it’s just, nothing really.” His fingers smooth, smooth over my skin slowly. “It’s pretty empty.”
“Well, it may not have many furnishings,” I say, “but any room with you in it is far from empty.”
He smiles, kisses me.
A few licks later I add, “And, it’s our first time in an actual bed.”
“That it is.” The mattress frame squeaks as he pulls me on top of him, and that’s the end of conversation.
Joey
We’re climbing
climbing
heading up that
mountain
when suddenly
she
jerks
her body
jerks
back
she screams in horror now in
pain
her body jerks back
and she’s
off me she’s
gone and I see
him
he’s got her by the
hair he
yanked her right
off
me by her hair it’s
Pop
holy fucking god it’s
Pop.
Dorothy
god
oh my god what’s
happening who is this
man?
he’s a cop he’s got a blue uniform a badge
he’s
got
a
gun
oh
god he’s gonna kill us
Joey
She’s hysterical she don’t know what’s happening to her I wanna help her save her but I’m frozen I’m fucking useless staring at his gun in its holster. Could I grab it before him? I don’t even try I’m such a piece of crap wimp.
Don’t hurt her
Pop
please let her go, I beg him but I know I
know
he don’t give a rat’s ass how much I beg matter of fact he probably feeds off of it.
Who’s this little cunt? he booms.
Pop
Please …, I say. I wanna jump up jump
him
but no I just stay there
stuck.
And no condom
either
you stupid shit, he yells.
I say, I’ll do anything you want
Pop
you can do whatever you want to me beat me whip me you can rip my goddamn head off just
please
let her go.
Pop
laughs. How
sweet, he says.
He says, All worried about your
girlfriend?
Should’ve warned her what could happen when you brought her
home.
Dorothy
He called him
Pop
Joey called him
Pop
oh my god it’s his
dad
this monster is his
dad.
Joey
He looks
down
at her she’s
quivering
kneeling naked on the cold floor his hand’s gripped round a
clump
of her hair she’s crying
quiet
now I could kill him.
How old are you, he asks her but of course she don’t answer her eyes are shut and puffy and those tears they’re still pouring
pouring
her face it’s like a waterfall. He yanks on her hair she just
whimpers it’s like she don’t have the
strength
to scream anymore.
Sixteen she’s sixteen leave her alone
Pop
please, I beg him. I don’t think he’ll do nothing crazy to her he’ll get caught
she’ll tell she ain’t Mom but then
who
knows
what’s in his mind.
Statutory rape, he tells me.
He says, I could bring you in.
I say, Fine do it cuff me just let her get dressed let her
walk
away.
Relax I ain’t gonna hurt her, he says.
He says, I’m just gonna teach her a lesson while I’m
taking
care
of
you.
Dorothy
He’s gonna
hurt
him.
Joey, I
cry
out I reach for him but his dad
pulls my hair
again he tells me to
shut
the
fuck
up.
It’s
okay Dorothy, Joey says his voice is
soothing he’s trying to make me feel
better he called me Dorothy not
Doll
how can he be
calm when his dad’s gonna
hurt
him?
Oh god he’s gonna hurt him.
Joey
I call her Dorothy not
Doll
‘cause I don’t wanna make Pop think of them
dolls
and how she
looks
like
them.
I tell her it’s
okay I don’t know what else to do.
Pop tells her to
get up
I say let her put a shirt on for chrissakes
he tells me to toss it to her. I throw her
mine it’s longer covers her
more. He lets go long enough for her to
poke her head and arms through the
holes tears and snot’s smeared all over her face she’s still
beautiful
though
then he grabs her arm he says, Let’s
go.
Where’re you taking her, I ask I start to climb off the bed to follow but Pop says, Wait
here.
He says, She’s going in the
closet.
No Pop no please not the closet, I beg she’ll be so
scared in there it’s
so
dark.
But he’s taking her he don’t give a fuck there’s
nothing
I can do so I tell her, Close your eyes Dorothy
close
your
eyes and make a
game in your
head.
I tell her, Don’t worry ‘bout me I’ll be fine just
close your eyes
play a game it’ll be
okay.
Dorothy
He
shoves me
in
I
fall against plastic covered clothes they
swoosh he says keep
quiet or it’ll be worse on my
boyfriend does he even
think of him as his
son
god he’s gonna hurt him.
The door
slams
shut the key
clicks it’s so
dark so
tight in here and Joey’s
out
there
with a
madman.
What if he
snaps and kills him what if he
kills
us
both?
A scream wells in my
throat but I
choke
it
back feels like I’m suffocating on
phlegm and the smell of
mothballs. I
sink
I curl on the
floor I
stretch Joey’s shirt over my
knees slide my arms
inside the sleeves I
cocoon
myself.
I clamp my eyes squeeze
them squeeze
them Joey said
keep
them
shut Joey said play a game so
I
do.
I think of a
jump
rope I’m in the middle of a
jump
rope it swings itself round round
round it
slaps
the ground it
whips
around I
jump
jump jump oh god I’m so
scared I
force myself I jump I
jump
I
jump.
Joey
He comes back in just as I get my jeans buttoned he’s got that
steel
look he always has for
Mom.
He hates me he hates us
all and I don’t even know
why.
I wanna ask again for him to
let
her
go but I don’t ‘cause I know it’s
useless he thrives on this shit
hurting
us its like what two
double
AAs
mean to the Energizer Bunny he can go on and
on and
on ….
He takes out his gun I guess he means to
scare me but he
don’t I’m too far
gone to care all I care ‘bout is
her.
Her white blouse it’s crumpled up next to my pillow I reach for it I
touch
it
it’s something of her to hold onto.
He smashes steel against my face feels like I’m torn
open feels like my teeth are
knocked clean out I check for them with my tongue they’re still all in
place I’m bleeding but I don’t
care.
He presses the muzzle of his Glock against my neck it’s cold it’s
chilling shivers run through me down my spine.
He clicks the safety off. He ain’t gonna shoot
me that much
I know.
He might beat the crap outta me but he ain’t gonna shoot wish I could tell that to the little
raised
hairs on the back of my neck he ain’t gonna
shoot
me and I ain’t gonna
cry.
Fuck him.
Maybe that’s why Mom stopped crying. Maybe she’s giving him the big
F you
when she takes it all so calm. All this time I thought she was giving in but maybe she’s telling him to
fuck off
wouldn’t that be something.
So I’m doing okay ‘til I think of Dorothy again all
alone
in that closet and then I gotta fight
hard for the first time in I don’t know when I
fight
off
the
tears.
He always said he didn’t wanna see no
tears he always warned
us not to
cry but I think now maybe he was
glad when we did it because it meant we were completely
down
pinned to the mat.
He looks at me his eyes are
solid blocks of ice motionless and
frozen.
He’s a cobra he’s coiled and ready he’s always
ready to
strike.
He’s cold-
blooded cold-
hearted the more he pounds on me the
calmer he gets the more his temperature
drops.
He don’t smell neither somehow he don’t
sweat he don’t get
worked
up
at all.
He’s got those
cold
snake
eyes
their ice seeps into me it
melts into my
soul he strikes
he strikes he
strikes
striking’s all he knows.
Dorothy
I jump
jump