staring
while he was sleeping.
And he didn’t want
me
and
Jimmy near no girly shit neither he said
no sons
of his
were gonna
wind
up
fags. So Mom had to
pack
them up she
wrapped
them in that
bubble stuff she
taped
the boxes
real
good
so no dust would get in and she
left
them in Grandma’s
basement.
I still remember them I remember their
faces all
smooth and delicate their
eyes so
wide so innocent like
nothing bad’s
ever
happened
to them. Pure that’s it they were
so
pure.
She’s like that.
Hey
Doll,
I said that’s what I
called her
without even thinking.
I almost didn’t go over there she was with frigging Amy Farber her crowd
don’t
see
me
even when they see me. But she had those big blue eyes like my mom’s dolls so I went.
She said something ‘bout
the
movies
I didn’t know
what
she was talking about. I thought
she was pissed but
then
she smiled
and
it
was
okay.
Her hair’s like those dolls’ too.
Long and glossy.
And wavy.
It’s wavy
like you could just
unfurl
your fingers in it and set course.
You could just drift far
far away.
There was all this noise in there. There was people
yakking on line ordering
donuts and shit
there was registers ringing there was tip
cups clinking
there was background music some kind of top forty whining b.s. but when we started talking there was
only
our voices.
She’s new
here
she’s from New
York, she said. You could tell she had class she was wearing a top that actually fit her it
covered her not like these girls who let their stomachs hang out all over the place like that’s
supposed to be attractive.
I must be
crazy even
talking to her, I thought. She’s probably used to all these
rich
fancy
dudes but the way she kept
looking
at me
I thought, Well maybe ….
There was all these eyes
watching.
There was Jimmy and the guys at the table
there was
frigging
Amy
there was the people buying
donuts and shit there was the people
ringing
shit
up.
But when we looked at each other there was
only us.
So I introduced myself I didn’t wanna
stick
out
my hand
partly ‘cause it’s a
disaster all twisted
up from fights and I thought
for
sure
it would spook her but also ‘cause she looked like a
doll
like one of Mom’s
dolls
and you
shouldn’t
ever
touch
them
they might break.
But I did it.
I
forced
myself
‘cause that’s what you’re supposed to do
especially
when someone’s from a place all classy and
polished
like New
York that’s what they do there and anyway
I
can’t
lie
I really did wanna do it, I wanted to
touch
her.
And she took it.
She
took
it.
I thought she
wasn’t
gonna but she slipped her
soft
soft
fingers round my
rough
scabby
hand.
She
touched me she
touched me she touched
me
and something warm
crackled
through my body.
It didn’t start in me it didn’t start in her it started right between our hands like two sticks rubbing
like some kind of
friction
we caused together.
For sure I thought she’d
drop
my hand like a
hot
potato
and run right outta Dunkin’ Donuts but
she didn’t.
She said
her name was
Dorothy
and I thought,
Where’s
Toto? But thank god I kept my trap shut that time ‘cause how many chances
do
you
get
really before you’re chalked up for the
jerk
you
are?
We were still holding hands looking at each other I was just glad I wasn’t
drooling
or something I’m such a
doofus and then
fucking
Amy
cleared her throat
A-hem
and Dorothy
let
go.
You coming or what, Amy asked her and she said
yes
she
was.
She said
nice
to meet
me and all that crap.
I figured,
That’s
that.
She went to the counter and ordered a croissant and a mocha latte for crying
out
loud. What made me think
someone
like
that
would like
someone
like
me?
Someone who’d pick a
croissant
over a bagel or a donut.
Someone willing to pay
three
times
the
price to have
foamy
milk
on her coffee.
She could have anything
she could have
anyone.
So
why
the
hell
would she ever want
me?
I started heading to the guys. I stared straight at the
psychedelically
pink
look your friends
in
the
face.
The smell of
brewing
lattes
was making me dizzy.
The white ceiling lights beamed
down
on my head
bright
brigh
t
bright.
The noises in that place were
way
too
loud.
My Nikes
slipped across
pale smoke tile
I could barely lift my feet.
It was all I could do not to
shut my lids and
melt
right
into
the
gray.
But then I heard
my
name.
She called
my name
she called my name she
called
my
name.
She called me
back over.
So I
went.
Two
Dorothy
It was hard enough coping with all those swarming emotions without Amy there watching. I mean, I knew how she felt about Joey, and her standing there was like an invasion of our privacy. And she kept shooting these looks at him, like he was a gob of gum someone smushed under one of the tables.
Even though I didn’t know him, I wanted to shield him from her glare.
The crazy thing was, even though I didn’t know him, I did.
I don’t like gossip. Usually they’ve got it wrong, somehow. And even if they’ve got it right, it always sounds like a judgment on the person they’re talking about, who’s not invited to give his side of the story. On the surface it sounded like she was trying to warn me about Joey, but deeper, it was really that she needed people like Joey to put down, to make her feel better about herself. If he was bad, then she must be good. But things are never black and white like that.
When she broke in and asked if I was coming, it wasn’t a question. There wasn’t room for me to say no, not if I wanted to go meet everyone—everyone who counted, according to Amy. I caved, without thinking. I said yes, I was coming, and kind of brushed him off.
I didn’t mean to, but I did.
Standing at the counter waiting for my stuff, I looked back for him. But he wasn’t watching me anymore. He was kind of slogging back to his table. His shoulders were slumped—those beautiful arms practically dragged at his side, and he moved so slowly ….
I couldn’t bear it.
“Joey,” I called out over the sounds of grinding coffee, “Hey, Joey, come back.”
Amy made this tut-tutting sound. She said she’d be in the other room if I decided to come, and then she sashayed away the way some girls do when they’re just too cool. Personally, I walk. I don’t wiggle, strut, or even stroll. I make it my business to walk, period.
At that point I wasn’t too broken up about Amy heading off.
I’m not that desperate.
Joey spun around with his shoulders straightened and his head held high. We locked eyes and he smiled that smile again, just a little, around the edges. He strutted back over the grey tiles.
Here’s the thing about strutting. On guys, I like it. Guys need a certain something in their walk, it’s part of who they are. On girls, it’s just pretension. For guys, it’s a necessity.
“Hey,” he said when he got up close again. He was still smiling.
“Hey,” I said, smiling back. I’d never felt so instantly comfortable with someone, but at the same time there was this great pressure pounding in my chest, telling me not to blow it somehow.
Truth is, I’d never had a boyfriend. I’d hung out with a few guys, gone to the movies and such, but I never felt any inclination to go further with them. There was never any connection. I kind of thought that connection stuff was something fabricated by Hollywood, or conjured up in people’s minds—people who needed to believe that there was some soul mate out there waiting to complete them, because they couldn’t bear the burden of completing themselves.
I wasn’t looking for completion, but god it was nice to feel.
So there I was doing all this mental babbling but saying nothing to him. He was just watching me, wearing that little side smile, almost like he was listening to the thoughts inside my head. It would’ve creeped me out with anyone else, but with him, it was awesome.
He must’ve known that I was back in focus, because he said, “Wanna sit, or something?” He pointed to a table for two by the window, overlooking the parking lot.
“Sure,” I said.
We sat, stared at each other some more, in a really cozy way.
Like they do in the movies.
Like I never thought could be, in real life.
I sipped my latte. “Want some?”
He shook his head no. “I don’t do foam.”
“Oh,” I said.
He made a face like he couldn’t believe he’d said that. “Uh, I mean ….”
“It’s fine. You don’t do foam. I can respect that.”
He laughed. He had such a great, deep laugh, and his eyes twinkled when he did it, like they were laughing too.
“So, are your parents into The Wizard of Oz? That why they named you Dorothy?”
“Actually, I’m named after Dorothy Parker.” I pulled a piece of my croissant off and popped it in my mouth.
“Who’s that?”
“She was a writer in the 1920s. She used to get together with a bunch of other literary types, hang out at the Algonquin.”
He raised his eyebrows. “The Indian tribe?”
“The hotel. It’s in Manhattan. They used to talk shop, booze it up. Chat a little, drink a lot, you know how it goes.”
“I can relate to the drinking part,” he said, in a way that was both funny and not. “Well, she sounds way more cool than Dorothy in Oz.”
“I wouldn’t knock either one,” I said. “That Dorothy in pigtails and plaid, she had a lot of spunk.”
“Yeah, I guess she did,” he said. “Maybe there’s something about the name.”
He kept staring into me with this intensity, and all of a sudden the air in Dunkin’ Donuts seemed so still, so stagnant. I wanted to be outdoors with him.
I wanted to breathe in the whole world with him.
“Let’s go for a walk,” I said.
Joey
She wanted to go for a walk
get out of there.
Fine by me.
I got hit with a sugar craving suddenly so I got a jelly donut to go. Then I shot a
quick nod to the guys at the table so fast
they didn’t have no chance
to act like the dopey hyenas they are
in front of
her.
We crossed the parking lot, weaving past the cars and the SUVs. There was all this traffic
going up and
down
the street—there’s only one main road in this
pointless
town—
and so all these cars kept
barreling
by.
Inhaling all those exhaust
fumes was making me queasy. Weird, because I’d never even
noticed them
before.
Hey, Doll, I said. Then I did a
mental
face
slap.
I’m sorry, I said quickly.
She gave me that pretty smile again and I knew she
didn’t care really
that I called her that.
She didn’t have to say it I just knew and that was so
awesome.
Still
I had to stop
‘cause it was rude.
I said,
I mean
Dorothy ….
Wanna walk by the water?
By the water we could
breathe really
breathe in the air.
I wanted to breathe
fresh
air
with her I wanted to know how that
felt.
Like I ever gave a shit
about the air before.
Who
the hell knew
why these crazy thoughts
were bouncing through my head. I just hoped they didn’t
up
and
leave
as quick as they came.
Sure,
she said. She
said,
I was thinking the
same
thing.
We walked on the sidewalk real close
me clutching the
waxy
paper
bag
with my donut.
I was glad I had it ‘cause the thought
to slip her my hand
kept popping into my stupid
brain and that was one thought that would not do.
For sure
that would be it then. You can’t go doing something so bold as that when you meet a girl not a girl like this.
But I wanted to anyway I wanted to
so
bad.
I wanted to
feel her hand in mine again
feel that energy it was like a new drug.
Hell
it was better than any drug I’d had so
thank
god
for
the
waxy
paper
bag.
We didn’t talk much on the main road ‘cause the traffic was kind of loud but it wasn’t weird walking without talking like it is with most people. With most people you’re always
grabbing
for words trying to
fill in
the emptiness.
It wasn’t like that with her not at all.
We turned the corner onto a side road and
I asked her. So what did Amy say about
me?
Oh … nothing, she said.
Yeah
Right, I thought.
I stopped short and
looked at her.
Nothing … good, she said with a laugh.
I laughed too then.
Frigging unbelievable
that she could get me to
laugh like that.
I almost told her then
I almost told her it was true
basically
whatever Amy said
but I let it
go.
For once for
once
for
once I had a moment that was
golden
and
damned if I was gonna
ruin it by telling her what a
scumbag
I was.
I
really
wanted to touch her
hand
and I was
so
scared
that I would
never
get to do that
again.
Not
that I deserved to anyway. Christ
I had to warn her
who the hell
she was dealing with.
We got to the water to this inlet or something I always forget what it’s called.
It’s part of Reynolds Channel but it’s got this separate name.
Anyway we got to this bench by the
water
and
we
sat.
It was really warm for February even there by the