Kevin shakes her.
KEVIN
Like put your hand here, and then, like this?
Kevin shakes her.
DIRECTOR
Sorry—I’m having trouble seeing—what is it you’re doing with her neck?
Kevin demonstrates on the director.
KEVIN
It would be like this, and then this, and like that . . . see . . .
DIRECTOR
Oh, right.
So like this?
The director shakes her again.
KEVIN
But support her neck like this while you’re shaking her? That’s safer. And (To She) really relax your neck, just go jelly. Like this.
The director shakes her.
SHE
Oh—fuck. My neck.
Scene 4
On stage again, but opening night.
He and She on stage in costume.
She wears a removable neck brace.
Kevin enters.
OVER THE INTERCOM
Happy opening night, everyone. This is your half hour. For our leading man and leading lady this is fight call, fight call please.
KEVIN
Happy opening! Do you guys need me for fight call?
SHE
No thanks—
HE
(Overlapping) Thanks, Kevin, I think we have it.
KEVIN
Okay, great. Just be sure you run the fight choreography like three times at half speed—
SHE
Three times?
KEVIN
The American Society for Fight Directors recommends three times—
SHE
Okay. Okay.
KEVIN
Just holler if you need me.
SHE
Thanks, Kevin.
Kevin exits. He and She start going through their first choreographed fight.
HE
Okay do you want to do the last scene first?
SHE
Sure.
HE AS JOHNNY
Get on the bed!
SHE AS WHORE
No.
HE AS JOHNNY
Get on the bed, goddammit!
They go through the fight.
SHE/HE
(Some combination of) Yes and grab and one two three . . .
SHE
Again?
They begin again and go through their fight choreography through the following:
HE AS JOHNNY
Get on the bed!
SHE AS WHORE
No.
HE
That okay?
SHE
Yeah.
I want to go home.
HE
Why? We’re here, we have each other.
SHE
I miss my daughter.
HE
You miss her insults?
SHE
Being insulted by your child and loving them anyway is the human condition. You wouldn’t understand. You don’t have children.
HE
Right, right, I wouldn’t understand family life, your refrain, you should set it to music.
SHE
Mmm . . . Sorry can we just do the grab again—
And no— You don’t understand the human condition—
HE
(Italics refer to the fight choreography) That is such bullshit—like this?—I don’t understand the human condition because I’m not a breeder—kick—that’s so pompous, as though only those that breed understand—life—5, 6, 7, 8—sorry does that hurt—
SHE
No— Men are essentially poking around the margins of existence— Unless you’ve given birth—
HE
Breeding, breeding. You’re obsessed with breeding.
SHE
You’ve lived like a child for the last twenty years.
HE
Are you going to crawl?
SHE
You don’t understand how a marriage works—how you sacrifice momentary pleasure for long-term satisfaction—
HE
Right—those of us that don’t breed are trivial—why do you keep blaming me for not having children. I never had children because I wanted to have them with you, and you broke my heart, you little bitch.
A silence. They stop doing fight call.
SHE
You say something nice and then you call me a little bitch. What am I supposed to say.
HE
Say that I’m trivial. Say that I don’t matter because I never passed my genes on.
SHE
You’re not trivial, you have arrested development. You’re like a seventeen year old in man pants. Peter Pan is great in a book— but in real life, people who don’t grow up, they’re a fucking nightmare.
HE
So I’m a fucking nightmare.
SHE
HE
(Overlapping) You said I was a fucking nightmare.
SHE
I just said that if Peter Pan were in real life he would be a fucking nightmare—
HE
So I’m a fucking nightmare. Say what you mean.
SHE
I want to go home.
HE
You want your comfortable routine, you want a station wagon, you’ve always wanted a station wagon. I don’t want a fucking station wagon, I’d rather be dead.
SHE
Why do you always make things black and white? You can own a station wagon and have an interesting life. You can drive a station wagon to a museum. Or a theater. It’s nice to have a station wagon, if you could afford to own a car at all, at your age.
HE
Fuck you.
SHE
Oh and you could use some work at the end of Scene One. That false exit—that whole— (She imitates him in the play) thing you do? “Sorry about your blurry vision”? Fake. Really fake. No one does false exits in real life. That’s why they call them false.
HE
People do false exits all the time in life.
SHE
No they don’t!
HE
Yes they do! They can’t say the really important thing until they’re halfway out the door! That’s how it is! As soon as you leave someone you can finally say something halfway true!
SHE
No, people leave. They leave and they change their numbers. They leave in terrible silence. They leave you.
HE
That’s what you did to me.
Why? Not a fucking word. Why?
SHE
I was scared of you.
HE
Why?
SHE
Sometimes you were scary. You went through my wallet, my phone calls, my journal— Do you remember the night we both stayed up all night—in a youth hostel?—because we were afraid we would kill each other?
HE
Vividly. What was that fight about?
SHE
I can’t remember.
There’s this Japanese story—about a woman who loved this man, her soul mate, from childhood. Her parents made her marry a farmer instead. She ran off anyway with her soul mate and had kids with him. Years later, she comes back to her family and says: “I’m sorry I ran away.” And they say: “What? You’ve been here the whole time, you’ve been ill, in bed.” And she meets this other version of herself, this ghost, and she embraces this woman, and they become one person. And it’s this parable, like: which one is the ghost?
Ever since I left you I thought that in some parallel ghost world we had kids we rowed by a canal . . . I thought part of me would be a ghost forever, without you. I was no longer real even when I was happy. I was no longer real especially when I was happy. But no, all along in real time you’ve gone on being you and I’ve gone on being me and yes I really love you enough to be ghosted by you my entire life but my God I left you for a reason.
They look at each other.
The director enters.
DIRECTOR
Is th
ere a problem?
HE
SHE
No.
Yes.
DIRECTOR
We need you backstage! They want to open the house. We’re at places!
Scene 5
The director enters.
DIRECTOR
Hello, everyone. It’s a DAT tradition to do a curtain speech before opening night, so here I am. I’m Adrian Schwalbach, the director, and in this case the playwright, thank you. It’s so good to be back at DAT Theater after a long hiatus in New York. Welcome to the Midwest premiere of I loved you before I killed you, or: Blurry. There will be a party across the street afterwards. Cell phones—off. Fire exits—there—and let’s see, what am I forgetting? There will be strobe lights, and gunshots, for those of you who have seizures. Enjoy the show.
Lights up.
HE AS JOHNNY
You look like my sister.
SHE AS WHORE
Yeah?
HE AS JOHNNY
Yeah.
SHE AS WHORE
What’s her name?
HE AS JOHNNY
Haven’t spoken her name in twelve years.
SHE AS WHORE
You wanna? Say her name?
HE AS JOHNNY
Yeah. It was: Holly.
SHE AS WHORE
What happened to her? Holly?
HE AS JOHNNY
Died.
SHE AS WHORE
Sorry.
HE AS JOHNNY
Yeah. What an angel face she had. Kinda like yours.
SHE AS WHORE
How’d she die? IRA?
HE AS JOHNNY
Stop asking questions. You ask too many fucking questions.
SHE AS WHORE
Okay.
HE AS JOHNNY
Get on the bed.
She looks out at the audience.
She is suddenly a million miles away.
A long pause.
HE AS JOHNNY
Get on the bed, goddammit!
(Under his breath to her) Are you okay?
He tries to do their fight choreography.
She does not do the fight choreography.
KEVIN AS PIMP
(Offstage) Open up in there! Open up goddammit!
HE AS JOHNNY
(Waiting for a response from her and not getting one) Is that your pimp?
SHE AS WHORE
I work alone.
HE AS JOHNNY
Your brother?
SHE AS WHORE
I’m an only.
HE AS JOHNNY
Husband?
(As herself) I wish. I miss my husband.
HE
(As himself) You do?
SHE
Yeah.
A reckoning.
HE
(Whispering) Line.
DIRECTOR
(From backstage) “Who the fuck is it then?”
HE AS JOHNNY
Who the fuck is it then?
KEVIN AS PIMP
(Offstage) Open the goddamn door!
HE
Scream goddammit!
She screams a strange little scream.
HE AS JOHNNY
Now shut up!
DIRECTOR
(From backstage) Go on, go on—
KEVIN
It’s not my cue!
DIRECTOR
Go.
The director shoves Kevin on stage.
Kevin bursts in wearing a pimp outfit.
KEVIN AS PIMP
What are you doing to my lady?
HE AS JOHNNY
Sorry—I—this your lady?
KEVIN AS PIMP
Yeah.
He doesn’t do his fake exit.
He leaves while talking, angry:
HE AS JOHNNY
I’ll leave you two alone then.
See you around, Holly.
And I’m sorry about your blurry vision.
I really am.
You’ve got nice eyes. Real nice.
KEVIN AS PIMP
Who’s he?
SHE
My first love.
KEVIN AS PIMP
Oh you love him, do you?
SHE
Yes. And I’m leaving the business.
KEVIN AS PIMP
Over my dead body.
You take one step towards that door and I’ll—
She exits.
The pimp shoots at her.
She was supposed to fall down dead but she just exits.
The pimp looks confused.
KEVIN AS PIMP
Okay, then.
He pretends to shoot himself.
Confused applause.
Scene 6
A big empty theater space.
It would be nice if this were the actual back wall
and raw space of whatever theater we are now in,
providing that the space has a bit of poetry to it.
She collapses into a chair.
She takes off her whore makeup in front of a mirror.
He grabs She by the shoulders.
HE
Hey. You broke a cardinal rule.
You never fuck with another actor on stage. I don’t care what you do to me offstage, but don’t you ever fucking do that again.
SHE
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.
HE
You didn’t mean to? Did you mean not to?
SHE
I thought I saw my daughter in the third row.
HE
What?
SHE
I thought I saw my daughter, watching me. In my whore getup. And then I thought I must be hallucinating. And I forgot my lines, my blocking, where I was. And then I starting thinking about the Wizard of Oz and Judy Garland and shoes and why shoes bring people home and I was trying to remember what Dorothy said when she clicked her heels together and then I could hear you and you were saying “Get on the bed” and so I got on the bed. I’m sorry.
HE
Jesus.
Harrison and Angela enter.
SHE
Angela! Harry! My God what are you doing here?
HARRISON
I never miss an opening.
SHE
I thought you hated me.
ANGELA
I kind of do.
(To He) You were better in this one, asshole.
HE
Thanks. See ya.
He exits.
SHE
(To Angela) What’s on your arm?
ANGELA
A tattoo.
I got a tattoo.
SHE
(Reading it) “Om”?
ANGELA
Yeah. Maybe if you come back home I’ll add an “M” and make it “Mom.”
SHE
Angie.
She hugs Angela.
Harrison clears his throat.
HARRISON
Angela, give your mother and me some private time, please.
ANGELA
Where am I supposed to go?
HARRISON
Go somewhere. Get some food.
Harrison gives her money.
SHE
There’s a vending machine in the green room.
ANGELA
Will I run into your asshole boyfriend there?
SHE
He’s not my boyfriend.
ANGELA
What is he then?
SHE
My scene partner.
ANGELA
Really.
She nods.
ANGELA
Okay.
Angela exits.
She and Harrison look at each other for a long moment.
HARRISON
There’s something I need to tell you, darling.
SHE
What is it? No one’s sick, are they? What?
HARRISON
I financed this production.
SHE
What?
HARRISON
I commissioned Adrian Schwalbach to write a play about a whore and an asshole and cast the two of you in it.
SHE
What?
For revenge?
HARRISON
Yes.
And. To wake you up.
She looks at him, curious.
HARRISON
Marriage is about repetition. Every night the sun goes down and the moon comes up and you have another chance to be good. Romance is not about repetition.
SHE
No, it’s not.
Harry, I was—
HARRISON
What?
SHE
Well, I was—
HARRISON
Wrong?
SHE
Yes.
I’m sorry.
HARRISON
Thank you.
SHE
But what about Laurie? Nice Laurie? I thought you were in love or something.
HARRISON
Turns out no one’s that nice. She’s one of the most cruel, passive-aggressive people I ever met. She’s not really from Iowa. She’s from Illinois. Anyway. Let’s go.
SHE
Where?
HARRISON
Home.
SHE
Really?
Oh God! Harry! I thought you’d never have me back!
HARRISON
I want you back on one condition.
SHE
Anything.
HARRISON
Teach me how to act.
SHE
What?
HARRISON
I want you to take me to a theater and kiss me once a week, and pretend I’m someone else.
Once a week I can be whoever you want me to be, and you can be whoever I want you to be. Kiss me in a place with no history, and no furniture.
SHE
Okay. I can do that.
HARRISON
Remember when we got married and on the way to the wedding we stopped off and got water on a mountain somewhere and this old man behind the counter said, ah you’re getting married, and we said yes, and he said, I wish you every blessing—
SHE
—I wish that you love each other a lot, but not too much, not too much right away, but slowly, over time, so it doesn’t explode, like a star.
HARRISON
Yeah.
I always planned to love you over time. I always planned to have forbearance in the face of your inevitable indiscretions.
SHE
Why inevitable?
HARRISON
You have an exquisitely overactive imagination. It wasn’t fair to put you in that kissing play and have you speak those lines to that man. It was like giving bacon to a hungry vegetarian.
SHE
Why are you so good to me? Why do you love me still?
HARRISON
Because you bore my only child. Because of your eyes. Because you tolerate my penchant for order. Because after our first kiss I told you I’d love you forever, and God knows why, but I meant what I said.
He enters.
They don’t see him, they are so absorbed in each other.