Copyright
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Illustrations and hand lettering by Lauren Harms
ISBN 978-0-316-52917-4
E3-20181114-JV-NF-ORI
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
A note on the title
Introduction
Shit happens
What, me worry?
Feat. The NoWorries Method
I can’t deal with this shit. (Or can I?)
I
SO YOU’RE FREAKING OUT: Acknowledge the real problem and rein in your reaction
What seems to be the problem?
Everything is a tarantula
The evolution of a freakout
The Four Faces of Freaking Out
Anxiety, Sadness, Anger, and Avoidance
Mexican Airport Syndrome
Survey says: y’all are a bunch of freaks
Welcome to the Flipside
Feat. Freakout Faces: the Flipsides
Freakout funds
Time, energy, and money
3 ways in which overthinking wastes time, energy, and money
The Fourth Fund
Goodwill
Hot take, coming right up!
Mental decluttering and the One Question to Rule Them All
This is your brain on puppies
Quick reminder
II
CALM THE FUCK DOWN: Identify what you can control, accept what you can’t, and let that shit go
Pick a category, any category
Feat. The Sarah Knight Shitstorm Scale
Can I get a downgrade?
Logicats, ho!
The gathering shitstorms: a list
10 what-ifs I may or may not need to worry about
10 what-ifs I may or may not need to worry about: ranked by probability
What’s your status?
Outlying, imminent, and total shitstorms
The more the hairier (a quiz)
Choose it or lose it
Get ur control freak on
Out of your hands
Make a contribution
Under your influence
Complete control
The One Question to Rule Them All, in action
Shit people in my Twitter feed are worried about. Can they control it?
Feat. Soul-sucking day jobs, ugly babies, getting laid off, raccoon bites
If the answer is no, this is how you let it go
Reality check, please!
Let’s be real
Option 1: Just fucking let it go
Option 2: Houdini that shit
Feat. Sleight of mind
How to stop being anxious about something
Give anxiety the finger(s)
Get down with O.P.P.
Tonight You, meet Tomorrow You
Other ways to reduce anxiety that I didn’t invent but that have been known to work
How to stop being sad about something
Laughter is the best medicine
You’re in for a treat
5 things I have stopped worrying about while eating a king-sized Snickers bar
How to stop being angry about something
Work it out
Plot your revenge
5 forms of revenge that are fun to think about
How to stop avoiding something
Get alarmed
Propose a trade
Secret Option C
Productive Helpful Effective Worrying (PHEW)
Sending a shitstorm out to sea
Feat. Anniversary gifts and seasickness
Houston, we have an irrational fear
Hi, I’m Sarah and I have a mental illness
The calm before the shitstorm
10 what-ifs I may or may not need to worry about: Can I control them?
I read the news today, oh boy
5 tips for calming the fuck down about the world falling apart
Limit your exposure
Balancing act
Bone up
Take a memo
Do good
Stirring the shit
That was not a chill pill
I love it when a plan comes together
Categorizin’ cousins
Feat. Renée and Julie and the Parking Lot Grudge Match
“How do I calm the fuck down?” flowchart
III
DEAL WITH IT: Address what you can control
Deal me in
The Full Fix, Salvage Jobs, and Basic Survival
The Three Principles of Dealing With It
Take stock
What-iffing for good instead of evil
Identify your realistic ideal outcome (RIO)
What’s realistic?
What’s ideal?
How do I figure it out?
Triage
Feat. Canceled flights, failing grades, big bad storms
Get bent! (a bonus principle)
Whose fault is it anyway?
Incoming!
It’s all in your head
Total shitstorms: a catalogue of terror
Relatively painless shit
Feat. Lost reservations, bad haircuts, trampoline injuries, and faulty printers
5 things you might do accidentally that are still not as bad as failing to bcc more than 100 people on a work email
Tedious shit
Feat. Back taxes, bad sex, angry friends, and frozen pipes
You snooze, you lose (your car)
Really heavy shit
Feat. Robbery, divorce, French butter shortages, nuclear war, bedbugs, and DEATH
Over to you, Bob
IV
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE: When shit happens, how will you calm the fuck down and deal with it?
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
Discover More
About the Author
Also available
Praise for Sarah Knight
Discover More! Including giveaways, contests, and more.
Tap here to get started.
A note on the title
This is a book about anxiety—from the white noise of what-ifs to the white-hot terror of a full-blown crisis. As such, you’d be forgiven for thinking I’m the world’s biggest asshole for titling it as I have, since everyone knows that the first entry on a long list of Unhelpful Things to Say to a Person Experiencing
Anxiety is “Calm the fuck down.”
Indeed, when I’m upset and somebody tells me to calm down, I want to murder them in swift and decisive fashion. So I see where you’d be coming from.
But this is also a book about problems—we’ve all got ’em—and calming down is exactly what you need to do if you want to solve those problems. It is what it is. So if it keeps you from wanting to murder the messenger, know that in these pages I’m saying “Calm the fuck down” the same way I said “Get your shit together” in the <cough> New York Times bestseller of the same name—not to shame or criticize you, but to offer motivation and encouragement.
I promise that’s all I’m going for. (And that I’m not the world’s biggest asshole; that honor belongs to whoever invented the vuvuzela.)
One more thing before we dive into all of that anxiety-reducing, problem-solving goodness: I understand the difference between anxiety, the mental illness, and anxiety, the temporary state of mind. I understand it because I myself happen to possess a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety and Panic Disorder. (Write what you know, folks!)
So although a profanity-riddled self-help book is no substitute for professional medical care, if you picked up Calm the Fuck Down because you’re perennially, clinically anxious like me, in it you will find plenty of tips, tricks, and techniques to help you manage that shit, which will allow you to move on to the business of solving the problems that are feeding your anxiety in the first place.
But maybe you don’t have—or don’t realize you have, or aren’t ready to admit you have—anxiety, the mental illness. Maybe you just get temporarily anxious when the situation demands it (see: the white-hot terror of a full-blown crisis). Never fear! Calm the Fuck Down will provide you with ample calamity management tools for stressful times.
Plus maybe some tips, tricks, and techniques for dealing with that thing you don’t realize or aren’t ready to admit you have.
Just sayin’.
Introduction
I’d like to kick things off with a few questions:
• How many times a day do you ask yourself What if? As in: What if X happens? What if Y goes wrong? What if Z doesn’t turn out like I want/need/expect it to?
• How much time do you spend worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet? Or about something that not only hasn’t happened, but probably won’t?
• And how many hours have you wasted freaking out about something that has already happened (or avoiding it, as a quiet panic infests your soul) instead of just dealing with it?
It’s okay to be honest—I’m not trying to shame you. In fact, I’ll go first!
My answer is: Too many, too much, and a LOT. I assume yours is too, because if the answer is Never, none, and ZERO, then you have no reason to be reading this book (nor, I might add, the hard-won qualifications to have written it).
Well, I come bearing good news.
When we’re finished, the next time you come down with a case of the what-ifs—and whether they remain theoretical anxieties or turn into real, live problems that need solvin’—instead of worrying yourself into a panic attack, crying the day away, punching a wall, or avoiding things until they get even worse, you’ll have learned to replace the open-ended nature of that unproductive question with one that’s much more logical, realistic, and actionable:
Then, you’ll deal with it, whatever it is.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves—for now, we start with the basics.
Shit happens
Boy, does it. And when I think about all the shit that could or probably will happen to me on any given day, I’m reminded of a lyric from departed musical genius and spiritual gangsta, the one, the only, Prince (RIP):
“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life.”
The Purple One had suspect opinions about a lot of things—among them religion, tasteful fabrics, and age-appropriate relationships—but in this regard he was spot-on. Each morning that we wake up and lurch across this rotating time bomb called Earth, our baseline goal is to get through the day. Some of us are angling for more—like success, a bit of relaxation, or a kind word from a loved one. Others are just hoping not to get arrested for treason. (While every day, some of us are hoping someone else gets arrested for treason!)
And though each twenty-four-hour cycle brings the potential for good things to happen—your loan gets approved, your girlfriend proposes, your socks match—there’s also the chance that a big steaming pile of shit will land in your lap. Your house could get repossessed, your girlfriend might break up with you, your socks may become wooly receptacles for cat vomit. Not to mention the potential for earthquakes, tornados, military coups, nuclear accidents, the world wine output falling to record lows, and all manner of disasters that could strike at any time and really fuck up your shit. Especially the wine thing.
That’s just how life works. Prince knew it. You know it. And that is literally all you and Prince have in common.
So here’s another question for you: When shit happens, how do you react? Do you freeze or do you freak out? Do you lock the bathroom door and cry or do you howl at the sky with rage? Personally, I’ve been known to pretend shit is not happening, bury my head in a pillow, and stick my ass in the air in a move I call “ostriching.”
Unfortunately, while these coping mechanisms can be comforting, none are especially productive (and I say that having invented one of them). Eventually you have to stop freaking out and start dealing with your shit, and—shocker—it’s hard to make decisions and solve problems when you’re panicking or sobbing or shouting, or when all the blood is rushing to your head.
Which is why what you really need to do, first and foremost, is calm the fuck down.
Yes, you.*
We’ve all been there. I simply maintain that most of us could learn how to handle it better. Related: most of us also have a friend, relative, or partner whose inevitable reaction to our every crisis is “Don’t worry, everything’s going to be okay.” Or worse: “Aw, it’s not so bad.”
On that, I call bullshit. Well-meaning platitudes are easy to offer for someone with no skin in the game. In this book, we’ll be dealing in reality, not nicety.
The truth is:
Yes, sometimes things will be okay. You pass the test, the tumor comes back benign, Linda returns your text.
But sometimes they won’t. Investments go south, friendships fall away, in an election of monumental consequence millions of people cast their vote for an ingrown toenail in a cheap red hat.
In some cases, it’s really not so bad, and you are overreacting. You’ve built an imagined crisis up in your head and let it feed your anxiety like a mogwai after dark. If you’ve seen Gremlins, you know how this ends.
But in other cases IT’S REAL BAD BRO, and you? You’re underreacting. You’re like that cartoon dog who sits at a table drinking coffee while the house burns down around him thinking It’s fine. This is fine.
And sure, by saying “everything’s going to be okay,” your friend/relative/partner is probably just trying to help you. But whether you’re making a Taj Mahal out of a teepee, or ignoring a problem for so long that it sets your metaphorical house on fire, I’m actually going to help you. That’s just how I roll.
Thus begins your education in calming the fuck down:
Lesson #1: Merely believing that things will be okay or aren’t so bad may make you feel better in the moment, but it won’t solve the problem. (And a lot of times it doesn’t even feel good in the moment—it feels like you’re being condescended to by the Happy Industrial Complex. Don’t get me started.)
Either way, it doesn’t change a goddamn thing!
Lesson #2: When shit happens, circumstances are what they are: tires are flat, wrists are broken, files are deleted, hamsters are dead. You may be frustrated, anxious, hurt, angry, or sad—but you are right there in the thick of it and the only thing you can control in this equation is YO
U, and your reaction.
Lesson #3: To survive and thrive in these moments, you need to ACKNOWLEDGE what’s happened, ACCEPT the parts you can’t control, and ADDRESS the parts you can.
Per that last one, have you heard of the Serenity Prayer—you know, the one about accepting the things you cannot change and having the wisdom to know the difference? Calm the Fuck Down is essentially a blasphemous, long-form version of that, with flowcharts ’n’ stuff.
If you’re into that sort of thing, we’re going to get along just fine.
What, me worry?
I’m guessing that if you came to this book for guidance, then worrying about shit—either before or after it happens—is a problem for you. So here’s a mini-lesson: “worrying” has two separate but related meanings. In addition to the act of anxiously fretting about one’s problems, “worrying” also means constantly fiddling with something, rubbing at it, tearing it open, and making it worse.
It’s like noticing that your sweater has a dangling thread, maybe the beginnings of a hole. And it’s natural to want to pull on it. You’re getting a feel for the problem, measuring its potential impact. How bad is it already? What can I do about it?
But if you keep pulling—and then tugging, yanking, and fiddling instead of taking action to fix it—suddenly you’re down a whole sleeve, you’re freaking out, and both your state of mind and your sweater are in tatters. I’ve seen smaller piles of yarn at a cat café.
When you get into this state of mind, you’re not just worried about something; you’re actually worrying it. And in both senses, worrying makes the problem worse.
This series of unfortunate events applies across the board, from worries that bring on low-level anxiety to those that precede full-bore freakouts. Some of that anxiety and freaking out is warranted—like What if my car runs out of gas in the middle of a dark desert highway? But some of it isn’t—like What if Linda is mad at me? I know she saw that text I sent yesterday and she hasn’t replied. WHY HAVEN’T YOU REPLIED, LINDA???
Luckily, I’m going to show you how to get a handle on ALL of your worries—how to accept the ones you can’t control, and how to act in a productive way on the ones you can.