and remember
I am blind
choking
dying
I am on the ship
in the sea
I am drowning
Mum calls my name like a warning
Eyes fly open
breathe in
breathe out
not air — spew!
Soup I ate for lunch stinks terrible
I didn’t want to eat it
Looked like the sea with floaty bits
Now it’s all over the floor
Janey wakes
Hears me crying in the dark
You have a bad dream, Annie?
I did too!
She cries with me
In the morning
we have red puffy eyes
My mouth tastes sour
Nancy gives me rags
Clean up your mess
Janey, Emmy and Dot help
Nancy doesn’t
Janey says
If Nancy helped
be more spew to clean
Weak guts!
Another girl holds her nose
Pooh, you girls stink!
Nancy snaps
I seen you spew worse!
When clean-up is done
Nancy says
Let’s fix Annie’s hair
Knots are gone
What’s wrong with my hair?
Dot says
Hair’s all bushy, Annie!
Emmy giggles
Proper nor’wester, alright!
Nancy makes short things
on the side of my head
Now you got two fat plaits
I’ve never had plaits before
They make my neck cold
Janey wiggles a plait
But Nancy
Teacher don’t like plaits
fat or skinny
Nancy shrugs
Best we can do
Teacher stares at my hair
but she doesn’t growl
I think she does like plaits
A boy snickers
Hey — funny hair!
Quick as a wink
Teacher darts over
Whack!
Boy rubs his hand
tries not to cry
tears leak out
Another boy hisses
Sissy!
Whack!
Boy rubs his knuckles
tries not to cry
A kid snorts
Teacher snaps
Timothy
are you laughing?
Exactly what are you laughing at?
Janey turns her head
eyes big and worried
Tim’s coughin’, Teacher
His chest’s been playin’ up!
I sneak a look at Tim
His face is red
but I don’t think he was coughing
Teacher points her stick at Tim
Wear your jumper all day
Yes teacher
he splutters
Tim’s striped jumper is a mess
Sleeves short
Neck tight
Janey whispers
No wool
No wool this year
to make him a bigger one
After school
Janey grabs Tim
Hey, you coughin’
or laughin’ in class?
Laughin’!
Those boys are mean
Teacher got them bad, huh?
I was laughin’ at them, Janey
Your breath sounds wheezy, Tim
Tim rubs his chest
Gets tight in the cold
Janey tugs his jumper lower
He pushes her away
Don’t fuss, sis!
Tim ducks under her arm
and runs
Janey shrugs
Tim’s got a weak chest
but wildflowers are bloomin’
Won’t need a jumper soon
You watch, Annie
Sun’ll get hotter and hotter
be better for Tim
be better for you too
She dashes to the edge of the bush
squats down
See, Annie
wildflowers!
We call these ones bacon and eggs
’cause of their colour
You ever eat bacon and eggs?
The food
not the flowers!
I shake my head
Janey licks her lips
I did
once
Ooh, yummier than stinky soup
My plaits are gone
My hair is gone
I am so shame!
Janey says
Aw, don’t cry, Annie!
Everyone gets their head shaved
Little kids run past
Baldy! Baldy!
Janey kicks sand at them
Forget about ’em, Annie
Might be baldy themselves soon!
Some girls
in the sleeping room
tease me
till Nancy thumps them
I hide under my blanket
Janey sits on my bed
Come out, Annie
Not coming out!
Listen, I got shaved
when it was freezin’ cold
Head was a block of ice
No hat to wear
Cruel, that’s what it was!
But sun’ll get hot real soon
Baldy’s good in hot sun
Hair gets sticky in the heat
You won’t have sweat
runnin’ down your neck
from sticky hair
And guess what?
Me skull’s got freckles!
Come out, Annie
I’ll check your skull
for freckles
Who cares about freckles?
Nancy says
Leave her alone, Janey
You know what it’s like!
I hear Janey’s bed squeak
as she lies down
You be okay, Annie
Promise!
Each day
I rub my cold ears
rub my cold neck
I need thick blood
like Janey said
but it hasn’t happened yet
Janey says
Hair grows quick
if ya leave it alone
and don’t think about it!
Like
if you pretend
your guts are full
they don’t hurt so much
Or if you pretend
you feel warm
ya get a bit warmer
I’m tellin’ you true, Annie
Janey frowns
Don’t believe me?
Tell you what
I’ll count off fourteen days
that’s two whole weeks
Then you can check, okay?
Your hair will be longer
Promise!
I stop patting my head
Janey smiles at me
I’m not lyin’, honest!
Janey is worrying for Tim
She’s been looking for him
but she can’t find him
Tim’s a boy
says Dot
you a girl
He can’t be with you
all the time
Boys’ll tease him
says Emmy
Call him sissy!
You forget he’s not a baby
says Nancy
Anyway, you can stop worryin’
I saw him with his mates
Janey narrows her eyes
True, Nancy?
Nancy glares
You callin’ me a liar?
Janey won’t back down
True, Nancy?
Spit on your finger
cross your heart
true?
Nancy belly-laughs
True!
Prickly little sou’wester
Janey moans
Why does he hide from me?
Nancy rolls her eyes
That’s what boys do
Forget boys!
Let’s be girls
make ourselves pretty
Nancy finds
a patch of bright flowers
Janey shows me
how to join them together
I’ve got flowers round my neck
round my head
round my arms
Nancy’s got more
Nancy stands
walks up and down
nose in the air
I’m Nancy
queen of the world!
The other girls laugh
I don’t know what a queen is
Janey elbows me
Queen’s a boss
Rich one
says Emmy
No one bosses a queen
says Dot
We bosses ourselves
says Nancy
we all queens today!
We follow Nancy round
pretty in our flowers
noses in the air
Queens of the world
says Janey
Clang! Clang! Clang!
Nancy chucks her flowers on the ground
This queen’s hungry
Race you fellas!
Inside the eating place
Janey spots Tim
He gives her a guilty wave
I was stupid to worry, Annie
Look at him
sittin’ proud with his mates!
When we get our soup
Janey whispers
Nancy, what do queens eat?
Nancy whispers back
Not this muck!
If queens are bosses
maybe they eat bacon and eggs!
Got my head down
Got my lips pressed tight
Don’t pick me
Don’t pick me
Don’t pick me
Tap – tap – tap
goes Teacher’s stick
Every day
Teacher makes someone read out loud
Every day
I hope it won’t be me
Tap – tap – tap
Don’t worry
whispers Janey
you ain’t been here long enough
to learn readin’
Stick stops tapping
Annie, stand up
Janey gasps
Nancy’s mouth drops open
Teacher gives me an angry look
like I am in big trouble
like I have done something
really bad
I push back my chair
Guts cramp with fear
I stand up
Teacher moves closer
You are not deaf, Annie
You are not dumb
She waves her stick
in front of my face
like a snake
ready to strike
You can speak English
It’s in your paperwork
I wasn’t told
but now I know
You have been lying to me, Annie
Have you been laughing
behind my back with the other girls?
I shake my head
How long did you think
you could trick me?
Not tricking her
Not tricking anyone
If you can speak
you will speak!
Teacher takes a deep breath
Mary had a little lamb
its fleece was white as snow
everywhere that Mary went
the lamb was sure to go
Say the rhyme, Annie!
My voice won’t work
I can’t say it
Teacher’s face is red
and twisted
and furious
You are not the first
rebellious child
to arrive here
Whack!
She smacks the stick hard
on my table
Janey and Nancy
jerk in surprise
Teacher waits for me to speak
waits
and waits
Hand holding the stick is shaking bad
Put out your hands!
I hold out my trembling hands
She brings the stick
down flat on my palms
whack – whack!
whack – whack!
Hurts
I – will – not – cry!
Teacher grabs my arm
pulls me out
Hits my back
my legs
again and again
harder and harder
I shove her away
and run from school
Run
run
run
to the crying tree
Later
in the crying tree
Janey looks at the marks
on my hands
and back
and legs
You got bruises
and cuts
and skin is swellin’ up
some of the cuts are bleedin’
She got you with the hard edge
I hate her, Annie
says Tim
She’s like a big boy bully
but lots meaner
He gives me a mudlark feather
to help me feel better
Legs’ll be stiff tomorrow
says Janey
But if you pretend
they not killin’ you
won’t hurt so much
I think I will hurt bad
no matter what I pretend!
I am not allowed
to have dinner
because
it is disrespectful
to trick Teacher
and laugh behind her back
Only I didn’t
I am not allowed
to have dinner
because
I have done something
really bad
I shoved Teacher
I am not allowed
to have dinner
because
I don’t know my place
If I ever
touch Teacher again
I will get the cane
or the strap
or worse
Janey
sneaks bread
into the sleeping room
Nancy
sneaks bush berries
Emmy and Dot
to cool my bruises
and wipe the bits of blood
I am too sad to eat bread and berries
Eatin’ makes you tougher
Janey says
You got to get tougher, Annie
Nuh, Janey
says Nancy
Teacher got it in for her now
Be watchin’ for a chance
to have another go
Annie got to talk
But I can’t talk
Sometimes
I feel my voice
rattling inside me
like a trapped thing
trying to get out
My voice got lost
when bully boots policeman
took me from the station
Don’t know
when it will come back
I dream
I am with Aunty Adie
working in the Big House
on the station
When I was little
Aunty is telling me
I had to be learning new things
Now
you have to be learning new things, too
The Big House
is a different world
to the out-camp
Boss likes his own way
I wanted to stay with Mum
in the out-camp all the time
I didn’t wa
nt to work in the Big House
Aunty’s face goes blank
This is my outside face
Aunty’s face goes smiley
This is my inside face
She pats my cheek gently
You do the same
I make an outside face
I make an inside face
I wake crying
School is a different world
different to the station
different to the ship
When I left the ship
I left with an outside face
I walked like I wasn’t afraid
even though I was
I walked like I was brave
If I walk like I am tough
will I get tougher?
Hope so
This bad place
is getting badder
In the morning
Janey says
You okay, Annie?
I hurt all over
But I nod that I’m okay
Don’t run, will ya?
I’m worryin’ you’ll run
How does Janey know
I’ve been watching the track
that lets people into this place?
Ever since I got here
I have been wondering
if I follow the track
if I keep running
will I get home?
I am a good runner
Faster than my cousins
When I run
no one can catch me
Runnin’ is bad
Janey says
Nearly everyone gets caught
I ran once
Got caught
got big trouble with it!
But that was when I first come here
before I found Tim
Can’t run now
can’t leave me little brother
I want to run far away
I want to run
and run
and run
But a ship brought me here
How can I run on water?
Janey says
I’ll make you a promise, Annie
I’ll get Teacher back for what she did
You watch
I’m gunna make her pay!
My legs slowly get better
marks fade
cuts scab
But Janey’s legs
are hurting something terrible!
Janey is lying on her belly
on her bed
She got the strap
for stealing Teacher’s glasses
Why you steal ’em, Janey?
asks Nancy
Ya didn’t even hide ’em
Dot says
Everyone saw ’em
says Emmy
pokin’ up under ya top
Course someone gunna tell
on you for a sweet!
Janey laughs
then winces in pain
I got them glasses
real sweaty and foggy
When Teacher yelled
at me to give ’em back
I dropped the stinky things
right into her hands
Shoulda seen her face
thought she might spew
You reckon she wear
them mucky things now?
Nancy laughs
You a smart little sou’wester!
Janey is smart
Tough too
But Janey is hurting
I pick up my blanket
I lay it softly over her
Janey groans
What Teacher gunna do without glasses?