For my great-grandmother, with love
For the children of the future, may you walk in a bright world
A portion of the author’s royalties will be donated to the Indigenous Literacy Foundation
www.indigenousliteracyfoundation.org.au
one
Here I am
curled in the corner
of a cold stone room
with no one to hug
but me
A too-high window
throws shadow lines
on the moonlit floor
Shadow lines
Hard lines
Straight lines
Barred lines
Like lines on a map
slashing hills and creeks
ridges and plains
rocks and spinifex
Old people laughed
when Mum told them
about the Boss’s paper map
Grandpa Mick shook his head
Hills won’t move for a line
Trees won’t bend for a line
Granny Rosy flicked her hand
Pah — inside the lines
Outside the lines
It’s all our country!
But here I am
Trapped by lines
walls
window
door
shadows on the moonlit floor
Fencing me in
Cutting me off
Slicing me away
Making me cry
cry
cry
for home
Morning light streaks
through the too-high window
tickles my sore eyes
teases my skin
Bully boots
thud, thud, thud
Big keys jangle
clink-clank clink-clank
Door gives a rusty warning
Right you – out!
I shrink
small as a spider
press my face to the wall
He yanks me up
like a sack of flour
Fist opens
Here — eat this
Not from him
No bread from him!
I spit on his bully boots
He drops the stale bread
Clouts my ear
Been hit before
Been hit on the station
when I spilled tea on Boss’s visitors
when I got in the way
when I asked Boss a question
Policeman sneers
Why the Government’s
wasting schooling on
ungrateful kids like you
beats me
He pulls me forward
Out!
Where is he taking me?
Where is my mum?
Rough hands
hurry me
down a sandy track
empty of Mum
empty of anything
except a swarm of flies
buzzing a dead bird
My ear throbs
chest aches
sobs bubble inside
Down
down
down
the track
to the big saltwater
Mum’s not here
I look around
She’s not here
not there
not anywhere
Policeman yanks my chin up
Look at me!
I – will – not – look – at – him
If I look
I hear myself screaming
to be let out of the store room
hear Aunty Adie begging
hear policeman telling Boss
Thank you for confining this child
No tricks
do you hear me?
He straightens up
About time!
My heart jumps
Mum?
A stooped stranger
plods forward
shooing flies
with a stiff straw hat
Is this the girl?
She’s all yours, Reverend
Got the manners of a camel!
Reverend says
Can she speak any English?
She can speak it alright
but don’t bother talking to her
she won’t answer
I’ve got more important jobs
than babysitting kids!
Reverend says
God holds us all to a higher duty
He reaches out a plump hand
I kick
squirm
try to free myself
Policeman shakes me
Hey — I said no tricks!
Reverend grasps my other arm
I’ll take charge of her
policeman says
She’ll run like the wind
if she can
These kids are fast
I am caught between them
Reverend leans close
My name is Reverend Dale
I’m sailing on the ship too
I will look after you at sea
He points
See that ship out there?
Far out
something rides
the wrinkled water
Is it a ship?
I don’t know
I’ve never seen a ship
I’m a freshwater girl
It looks small from here
but it’s huge
That ship can travel a long way
It will get us safely to our destination
He gives me an impatient smile
So you see
there’s nothing to worry about
I gaze at the thing floating far out
If it is a ship
it won’t take me home
No big saltwater to travel in my country
If it is a ship
it will take me somewhere else
Why can’t I go home?
I hate the stinking ship
for sailing me
far
far
far away
I hate the smiley Reverend
for forcing me
on the ship
even though I kicked him
I hate the bully policeman
for snatching me
from the station
when Mum was working
at the out-camp
I am lost
lost
lost
in my saltwater tears
I watch the waves rise
heave
fall
Salty spray
clings to my skin
like a damp blanket
Slowly
slowly
slowly
the big saltwater swallows the land
I spin round and round
crying for land
crying for home
How will Mum find me?
No tracks in the sea
How will I find her?
No signs to follow home
Night brings sleep
Sleep brings dreams
Bad dreams
Good dreams
Tossing and turning dreams
I dream
I am hunting bush food
with Mum and Granny
My little sister rides Mum’s hip
and babbles new words
Ssh, little sister!
We won’t catch dinner
if you can’t be quiet!
Granny points with her stick
Claw marks in the red dirt
goanna tracks
I creep forward
There! Behind a rock
A tail
Little sist
er squeals
arms stretch wide
big hug for goanna
Dinner runs
Gone!
Aw, Mum
I growl
I’m hungry
I wake crying
rocking
moaning
holding my middle
Not hungry
Sick!
My insides heave
Reverend says
You are seasick
It will pass
when you find your sea legs
A little bread
a little water
will settle your stomach
I don’t want bread and water
I want Mum’s soft voice saying
Ssh, ssh
you’ll feel good by sunrise
Reverend grumbles
Come now child
no more nonsense
Take a little bread and water
In goes bread and water
Out shoots bread and water
The sea is inside me
I am dying
Little bit by little bit
guts stop swirling
head stops spinning
mouth stops spewing
I hold down bread and water
put my feet on the floor
wait till dizzy passes
take a step
Reverend smiles
Your sea legs have arrived!
Not sea legs
My legs
land legs
What’s wrong with him?
Now child
can you say
Thank you Reverend Dale
for helping me when I was sick?
to say thank you
when someone helps you
Why should I thank him?
He stuck me on the ship
I’m sure
if your mother
was here
she would want you to be grateful
If Mum was here
I’m sure
she would whack
whack
whack him
with her fighting stick
Reverend says
Now you’re feeling better
would you like to hear a story?
He holds something up
This is a book
This book is called a bible
God’s wisdom lives inside this book
I will read you some stories
He reads me the story
of a man named Daniel
who is fed to hungry animals
The story of a man named Joseph
who is dropped into a deep hole
The story of a man named Samson
who is put in chains
This last story is my favourite
It is about a man named Jonah
who is flung into the sea
and swallowed by a whale …
Reverend rests the bible on his knees
stretches his arms wide
A whale is like a giant fish
He loves the story so much
he starts to read it again
I slip my hands
under my curls
cover my ears
block his whining voice
I am not listening
In my head
I’m someplace else
I hear the crack of flaming wood
smell smoky campfire burning
lean against Mum’s knee
listen to grannies tell stories
In my head
I’m home
Sea is cold
Ship is cold
I am cold
cold
cold
And afraid
I huddle under a blanket
hug myself
rock
cry
Can’t see anyone
they can’t see me
Safer in here
Reverend pulls my blanket away
You would try
the patience of a saint
he huffs
You need fresh air
He pulls me up
Fresh air is healthy for children
He drags me with him
I stomp, stomp, stomp!
Stop that!
But I don’t
Reverend says
Soon the ship
will stop at our first port of call
Watch for land in the distance
a dot that gets bigger
or a flat hill
I thought the saltwater
went on forever
I hope you find your voice soon, child
Reverend’s got that look
on his face again
The snappy look he gets
when I won’t speak
How will I know
when you want something
if you won’t tell me?
I want to go home
I want to smell warm rock
Run along a sandy creek
with my cousins
Watch flowers grow
after rain comes
Hug little sister
The ship sails and stops
sails and stops
I see land
But I can’t walk it
can’t dig my toes into the dirt
can’t run
Reverend says
We’ve still got a long way to go
before we reach our destination
The ship sails
and sails
and sails me
far
far
far away
Somewhere
behind the wind
at the back of the sea
is my country
But how do I get there?
I’m on deck
searching waves for land
Reverend is on deck
searching waves for his straw hat
The wind tugged it from his head
and stole it away
No hat
thin white hair
he’ll burn
if the sun shines hot
Hat bobs close
Sinks
Maybe the whale who swallowed Jonah
will eat it
Reverend talks, talks, talks
about Jonah and the whale
Jonah gave his soul
to God
then ran away
God sent the whale
to teach Jonah a lesson
The whale wasn’t hungry or evil
It was just a messenger
So you see, it’s important
to do what God tells you
Will a whale swallow me
if I don’t?
Clouds race
sky rolls
lightning flashes
thunder growls
wind shrieks
storm breaks
Our ship rises
shivers
falls
rises again
Reverend says
If the ship sinks
every precious soul on board
will be flung into the sea
The Devil is always ready
to do evil work
Pray with me, child!
My guts have their own storm
I spew instead
It is a long time
before sea calms
wind dies
rain fades
When we are allowed
on deck again
I stand below
a river of colour
diving over the ship
into the sea
Reverend squints at the sky
A man named Noah
built a ship
to escape a great flood
that destroyed the earth
That rainbow you see
is a sign of God’s grace
a sign of hope
I gaze at the rai
nbow
If I could reach you
I say in my head
would you slide me home?
Sunrise sparks a dim sky
Sea birds swoop and call
Reverend smiles
Our journey is over
This is our last port of call
The storm is behind us
civilisation ahead
People fuss and scurry
Reverend finds a quiet spot
I’m glad to sit down
I have something important to tell you
I have given you a new name
You are now called Anne
Do you like the name Anne?
I already have an english name
Lots of people on the station
have english names
Boss won’t say language names
but I have one
My language name
is the name Mum whispers
when I’m sick
The name she croons
when she strokes my hair
I love my language name
Anne was the mother of the Virgin Mary
The Virgin Mary’s family was blessed by God
Anne is a name to be proud of!
Reverend reaches for my hand
I hide it behind my back
His face twitches
I mean you no harm, Anne
But he won’t let me go!
I am doing what is best for you
But he will keep me trapped
I hunch over
stare at the deck
He sighs
You are as stif-necked as Jonah!
When we leave the ship
don’t run like Jonah did
A port is a dangerous place for a child
I’m sorry the Church didn’t claim you first
But you will be in my prayers
And don’t worry
you won’t be alone
A government man
will meet us on the wharf
He will take you to a place
suitable for children like yourself
A new home awaits you, Anne
People rush about
Some talk loud
some laugh
some push
My heart is leaping
like a panicked bird
Reverend grips my arm
Stay close to me
People are eager to disembark
That terrible storm frightened everyone
It is only by the grace of God
we have arrived safely
I don’t want to stay on the ship
but
I don’t want to leave either
What’s wrong with me?
I hear Mum’s voice in my head
Be strong
When I am upset
Mum always says
Be strong
like I know you are
I take a shuddery gulp
Tell myself – be strong
Reverend pulls me along
I breathe deeper
pretend I am bigger
taller
older
I walk like I’m not afraid
like I am brave
I step onto the wharf
The land doesn’t move
with my feet
or sway with my legs
like the sea does
My knees crumple
ground rushes up