I look back to the day
of the tragedy.
I can’t help but regret it once again.
If that day we hadn’t gone for firewood,
if that day Dao hadn’t kept her eyes
on the twins
instead of paying attention
to where she was stepping,
then she might have lived.
And I think of Twin Number One.
If I had a chance to see him again,
should I tell him
Dao’s secret?
Should I?
I think about Jan and Ming.
Where are they?
Are they drifting in the ocean like we did,
or
are they as safe as I am now?
I miss the kind herbal doctor
who treated Dee Dee for free.
I have always wondered
if Dao would have still been alive
if he had been around
when the snake struck.
Will I see him again?
So where are they?
Are they all okay?
I feel
we are just like the floating clouds.
Perhaps,
someday,
we might drift
into one another
again.
Who knows?
I hope they are
safe and well.
116 | DRINKING WATER
There is no well around;
only a stream
that flows down from a nearby hill.
Some people just wash their clothing
or take their bath in the stream
near the campsite.
So all the water near the camp
is contaminated.
To get clean drinking water
is a hard task.
We have to compete
with the strong male teens
who obtain water for others for a little cash.
Dee Dee, Nam, and I have to climb
higher
and
higher
up the hill
each day
to fetch water from the stream,
despite the risk of falling.
117 | AN EPIDEMIC BREAKS OUT
An epidemic breaks out.
Many small children
and old people die each day
and are buried at the foot of the hill.
In our shed,
Auntie gets sick first.
I get diarrhea and vomit.
Sometimes I feel like I am on fire.
Other times, I shiver all over, feeling cold.
I can’t cook and
I can’t take care of Auntie.
Uncle takes over my chores.
I fear I am going to die.
I tell myself, I can’t die.
I have to take care of Dee Dee;
I have to take care of Auntie, Uncle, and Nam;
I have to be reunited with Baba;
I have to see Snow White for Dao.
There are Vietnamese doctors
on the big Red Cross ship
that anchors off the beach
who provide me
with medicine.
I survive.
But not Auntie.
She doesn’t even fight.
118 | MOURNING AUNTIE
Uncle doesn’t think it’s wise for us
to see Auntie be buried.
He fears we could get sick
since the burial site is so
contaminated.
For some reason,
losing Auntie
does not devastate me as much as
when Dao suddenly passed away.
But I am worried about Nam.
I hardly see him shed tears
the whole time.
I wish he would cry and just let out
the pain of losing his ma.
Uncle is distraught.
He stays inside the shed and hardly speaks.
But he smokes excessively
and leaves cigarette butts scattered
all over the ground,
until one day,
he starts hitting his head
on the pole of the shed
in desperation.
“It’s all my fault.
If I hadn’t urged them to leave . . .
If I hadn’t gone fishing . . .
It’s all my fault. . . .”
Nam, Dee Dee, and I
all throw ourselves on him,
crying, begging, and pulling him away
“Don’t do it, Cha. . . .”
“Please don’t, Uncle. . . .”
“Please don’t hurt yourself, Uncle. . . .”
We all embrace him
weeping,
mourning,
while the small children outside
watch.
119 | CONCERN
I am very concerned about Uncle.
His hair seems to be turning gray
suddenly,
after he has lost his daughter and wife
in such a short period of time.
He still stays in the shed with Nam
most of the time,
except when he goes out to gather firewood.
Maybe it is their way of mourning.
I don’t know.
I hope he doesn’t turn out like Auntie.
The image of her shrunken, lifeless body
is always in my mind,
and I can’t easily chase it away.
If there were some way to help him
ease his guilt and grief,
I wouldn’t mind
going to get the firewood,
fetching the water, and
doing all the other chores,
as his daughter would.
120 | MAKING NEW FRIENDS
I often keep an eye on Uncle and Nam
to make sure they eat enough and drink water.
I really fear that
they will turn out like Auntie.
I feel so helpless,
with no one whom
I can trust to express
my fears.
I meet sisters, Lai and Wai,
while washing clothes.
Just as we did,
they left Vietnam by boat but arrived
a few months ahead of us.
They tell me
some people have been seeing ghosts,
especially the lady ghost in white
who has no legs,
but floats around the pit toilets,
which are close to where
the dead people are being buried.
They say the ghosts can’t rest in peace.
They didn’t reach their destination,
but died halfway.
I fear that Dao has already turned into a ghost,
wandering around to find her family,
or to see her secret lover.
I fear that Auntie has already turned into a ghost,
a brokenhearted ghost,
wandering around to find Dao.
I feel chills
as I try to shake away the images.
I am so glad when
Lai and Wai ask me to go to the latrine with them,
to avoid being hassled by the rude men
and to be brave together if we encounter
any ghosts.
I am so glad when
Lai and Wai ask me to fetch water with them
at the upper stream.
They don’t tell me their secrets like Dao did,
and I don’t tell them mine.
Still, I enjoy being with them.
I have someone to do things with,
and I have someone my age to talk to,
to ease the fears
inside me.
Dee Dee makes friends with their brother, Ding.
They like to watch other people sell good
s.
There are boat captains who can speak English
and will take a ferry
to a nearby island to buy goods,
then sell them to the other refugees.
I tell Uncle about it.
I wish he would go to the island
to get out,
to ease the guilt and grief of
losing a daughter and wife.
But he shows no interest in going.
121 | WAITING TO BE INTERVIEWED
We got the wrong information
when we were in the camp in Malaysia—
that people would be interviewed
only after they had been placed
in a regular camp.
It is here in this temporary camp
where we will unexpectedly
be interviewed.
Everybody waits for their name
to be called
over the loudspeaker.
There are several small sheds,
built at the beach near the Red Cross Ship.
Delegates from many countries, such as
Germany,
America,
Israel,
Australia,
France, and
England
come
at various times.
Each time, as the loudspeaker blares,
everybody drops what they are doing
to listen.
They will smile
like a morning sunshine glow
if their name is called.
The ones who haven’t been called
do not lose hope.
For they know
someday
they will get out of this refugee camp
and start a new life
somewhere.
It is just a matter of time.
They are patient.
They are optimistic.
122 | OUR NAMES ARE CALLED
One day,
my name and Dee Dee’s
are called for an interview.
Our important moment has arrived.
I am thrilled,
yet also filled with some sadness.
They did not call Uncle’s name
or Nam’s name.
Will it mean that
we will be separated for real
this time?
But when he hears our names being called,
Uncle breaks into a big smile—
the first one we’ve seen since Auntie passed.
He congratulates us
while I still feel a little guilty.
He reminds us not to be late
for this important moment.
He instructs us
to be there half an hour earlier
than the appointment time.
“Otherwise,” he concludes,
“they may put your name
at the bottom,
and you will have to wait
all over again.”
So we do what he tells us.
123 | THE INTERVIEW
Through the translator,
I tell the delegate that
my baba is in San Francisco,
and he is working in a Chinese restaurant.
I can’t provide the address,
which was written
on the underside of Dee Dee’s shirt
and now can’t be read anymore
because it has faded.
It delays our processing.
I do not feel discontent,
because the delegate says
he will try to locate my baba.
Some people
whose names haven’t been called
gather outside the delegate sheds
to collect information from the ones
who have just come out
from being interviewed.
They want to know
how to prepare for the questions
when their time comes.
I tell Uncle I failed to provide Baba’s address.
Uncle comforts us by saying,
“I think your case will be processed very soon
because you are considered orphans.
Orphans will have priority.”
I hope what he says
is right.
I hope what he says
is wrong.
124 | UNCLE AND NAM ARE INTERVIEWED
Very often, before falling asleep,
I have quietly asked Kwun Yum
to bless Uncle and Nam
so their names will be called.
Kwun Yum hears me.
Three weeks later,
Uncle and Nam are interviewed.
They don’t have any relatives in either
America or Canada.
They have to wait
longer
to find someone
who will sponsor them.
I am wishing that
Baba could sponsor them.
I don’t want to leave Uncle and Nam
behind.
To my surprise,
in the days after he’s had his interview,
Uncle goes out from the shed
once in a while
to gather information on
how they can be sponsored
by the people from America
or Canada.
125 | ON OUR OWN
After a total of six months
of living in the temporary camp,
Dee Dee and I and a group of other people
are transferred
to a regular camp.
Again, Uncle and Nam are excluded.
There are rumors
that people who are transferred
to the regular camp
are close to finding a country.
I have felt so safe,
so secure,
while we have been with Uncle’s family,
who are like a part of me.
But now,
we will be on our own.
I am not scared.
I know how to make a bed.
I know how to make a stove with stones.
I know how to fetch water.
I know how to get firewood.
I know how to cook the food,
and I will ask Dee Dee to accompany me
to the toilet.
I know we will be okay.
But I’m not sure about Uncle,
whose life has been
in a downward spiral.
And now we are leaving them
behind.
126 | JUST IN CASE
Uncle thinks that we are afraid
to be on our own.
He comforts me, saying gently,
“Don’t be afraid.
The staff of the Red Cross
are good people with kind hearts.
Let them know
if you have any problems.”
“But . . . who is going to cook for you
and wash your clothes?”
I am embarrassed
to tell him the fear I have
about him.
Uncle lets out a laugh.
He says,
“While you’ve been here,
we’ve depended on you.
Now Nam and I
will depend on
ourselves.
So don’t worry.”
He gives us their only pot,
two bowls, two pairs of chopsticks,
a few candles with matches,
a few packages of mosquito repellent,
and some Indonesian money.
“Just in case,” he says.
I refuse his cash.
He insists:
“Having a little money in hand
will help.”
I turn my head
and do not want him to see
my eyes.
He instructs Dee Dee,
“Listen to your sister.
Don’t do anything stupid
like you did when you jumped off the boat.
And always accompany your sister
whenever she goes to the toilet.”
Dee Dee and Nam
don’t want to be separated.
They exchange the shells
they have been collecting.
I want to say goodbye to Auntie.
I want to thank her for her kindness
in blending us into their family.
I want to tell her
I will never forget her and Dao.
Uncle doesn’t think
we should go to pay our respects
to Auntie.
He’s afraid
that I will get sick once again.
He thanks me for my sincere thoughts
instead.
127 | GOODBYE, UNCLE; GOODBYE, NAM
Dee Dee and I are about
to board the bus,
while Lai, Wai, and many other people
stand next to the bus and
wish us luck.
Before we get in,
Uncle, as if unwilling to part from us,
instructs us once more:
“Be careful.
There are many good people,
but there are many bad people, too.
You must use your own judgment.”
I nod
as I try hard to keep my emotions in check
and prepare to board the bus.
But at the last moment,
Dee Dee and I both
run back
to embrace Uncle.
Uncle tousles our hair and
says,
“We will meet again.
We will meet again.”
The bus honks,
rushing us to board.
So
we part.
I wave at him and Nam with my face
washed by tears.
I want to tell him to take care.
I want to tell him
he is our noble man.
I want to tell him
we will see him again.
But I can’t make my words come out.
I just cry as the bus turns
and leaves them behind.
I cry the whole time,
even after we get off the bus.
Mr. and Mrs. Pham,
who were on the same boat as us,
say to me,
“Are you related to Mr. Nguyen?
He asked us to keep an eye on you both.
We promised him.”
That makes me shed more tears as I say,
“I don’t know how to repay him. . . .”