after feeling disconnected for so long
my mind and body are finally
coming back to each other
- home body
contents
mind
heart
rest
awake
i’m in the darkest room of my life
maybe i walked out of the womb with it
is it possible to be born
with such a melancholy spirit
maybe it met me at the airport
slid into my passport
and remained with me
long after we landed in
a country that did not want us
maybe it was on my father’s face
when he met us in baggage claim
and i had no idea who he was
maybe the rapist left it behind
or was it that criminal i called a boyfriend
maybe he beat it into me
maybe i met the one
and lost him
maybe it was the love
of my life’s parting gift
or maybe
it was all of those things at once
- where the depression came from
why do i let my mind
get under my skin
i am so sensitive
my mind keeps running off to dark corners
and coming back with reasons for
why i am not enough
sex is a way for people to
transcend into each other
and come apart
a beautiful earthy expression
but for me
sex was my girlhood
dragged to death
he said
we were going to play
then he always locked the door
always chose the game
when i told him to stop
he said i was asking for it
but what did i know
about involuntary orgasms
and agency
and consent
at age 7. 8. 9. and 10.
i’ll be quiet when
we can say sexual assault
and they
stop screaming liar
depression is silent
you never hear it coming
and suddenly it’s
the loudest voice in your head
my mind
my body
and i
all live in one place
but it feels like we are
three completely different people
- disconnected
while everyone else
was living their life in color
depression froze me in place
nothing lasts forever
let that be the reason you stay
even this sick twisted misery
will not last
- hope
i have never known anything more
quietly loud than anxiety
if you could accept
that perfection is impossible
what would you stop obsessing over
you are lonely
but you are not alone
- there is a difference
it feels like i’m watching my life happen through a fuzzy television screen. i feel far away from this world. almost foreign in this body. as if every happy memory has been wiped clean from the bowl of my mind. i close my eyes and i can’t remember what happy feels like. my chest collapses into my stomach knowing that i have to get up in the morning and pretend i’m not fading away all over again. i want to reach out and touch things. i want to feel them touch me back. i want to live. i want the vitality of my life back.
abuse doesn’t just happen
in romantic relationships
abuse can live
in friendships too
i walked offstage
once the show was over
and prayed for the misery to
stop eating me alive
i was sick
and pretending not to be sick
at least performing kept me moving
coming home to an
empty apartment was worse
without work i had nothing to look forward to
i’d sink into the depression for months
half passed out from the grief
eyes open
mind lost in another dimension
write the book they said
get back on the road again
what’s taking you so long
- empty
i want to live
i’m just afraid
i won’t measure up to the
idea people have of me in their heads
i’m afraid of getting older
scared i’ll never write anything
worth reading again
that i’ll disappoint the people
who are counting on me
that i’ll never learn how to be happy
that i’ll be broke again one day
that my parents will die
and i’ll be alone in the end
being molested as a child has been the most confusing experience of my life. to learn sex without having any concept of it has messed me up in more ways than i’m aware of. to feel an orgasm so young. to have my life threatened. to be stretched. bruised. bit. spit on. to become a woman at the age of four. to know fear intimately. have it breathe down my neck. to be numb. stiff. silent. and own all the world’s shame at once.
the need to survive
lit a fire in me
i want to be snapped
cracked
hammered into
i want to open where i am closed
find the secret door
let me out of me
i want something to
hold me by the neck
split me down the middle
and make me feel alive again
- i don’t want to be numb anymore
i am trusting the uncertainty
and believing i will
end up somewhere
right and good
there is nothing wrong with you
this is growth
this is transformation
protecting yourself
getting lost in the noise
figuring it out
feeling used
uncared for
losing hope
burning out
this is fear
this is processing
this is surviving
this is being alive
- journey
you lose everything
when you don’t love yourself
- and gain everything when you do
i am not my worst days
i am not what happened to me
- reminder
there are whole blackouts
in some of the years i have lived
my therapist says our minds erase trauma
to help us move on
but every experience i’ve had
is memorized in my flesh
even if my mind forgets
my body remembers
my body is the map of my life
my body wears what it’s been through
my body
signals the alarms when
it thinks danger is coming
and suddenly
the hungry little demons from my past
come raging out of my flesh
screaming
don’t you forget us
don’t you ever try to
leave us behind again
i’m either romanticizing the past
or i’m busy worrying about the future
it’s no wonder
i don’t feel alive
i’m not living
in the only moment that’s real
- present
anxiety feels like i’m hanging
off the side of a building
and my hand is going to
slip any second
how can i be so
cruel to myself
when i’m doing the best i can
- be gentle
list of things to heal your mood:
1)cry it. walk it. write it. scream it. dance it
out of your body.
2)if after all that
you are still
spiraling out of control
3)the answer is no
4)the answer is breathe
5)sip tea and feel your nervous system settle
6)you are the hero of your life
7)this feeling doesn’t have power over you
8)the universe has prepared you to handle this
9)no matter how dark it gets
the light is always on its way
10)you are the light
11)walk yourself back to where the love lives
i am not broken
because of the depression
i am not a lesser version of myself
because of the anxiety
i am a whole
complete
and complicated person
- full
i am loving myself out of the dark
i’m breathing aren’t i
that’s gotta be a sign that
the universe is on my side
if i’ve made it this far
i can make it all the way
imagine what we could accomplish if
we didn’t have to spend our energy
protecting ourselves from
society’s rapist problem
most of my life has been spent
with the two of us touching
skin to skin
our nights together
and sometimes our days
you carried me when my limbs refused to
when i was so sick i could not move
not once did you tire of my weight
not once did you complain
you’ve witnessed all my dreams
my sex
my writing
my weeping
every vulnerable act of my life
has been with you
the two of us knee-deep in laughter
and when i’ve been a fool to trust a fool
made love on top of you
left for days only to
return empty-handed
you always took me back
when sleep abandoned me
we lay awake together
you are the embrace of my life
my confessional
my altar
i went from girl to woman on top of you
and in the end
it will be you—old friend
delivering me to death well rested
- there is no place more intimate than a bed
you didn’t lose it
happiness has always been here
- you just lost perspective
what we lived through
is living in us
i am not a victim of my life
what i went through
pulled a warrior out of me
and it is my greatest honor to be her
for the love of my life
i am trying my best to have hope
i’ll keep greeting each morning
with an i will
when it feels like i can’t
i will
i will
i will
meet a day that will melt me
i will move and the sadness will
fall off my shoulders
to make room for joy
i will be full of color
i will touch the sky again
i want a parade
i want music
i want confetti
i want a marching band
for the ones surviving in silence
i want a standing ovation
for every person who
wakes up and moves toward the sun
when there is a shadow
pulling them back on the inside
our pain is the doorway to our joy
i’m tired of being disappointed
in the home that keeps me alive
i’m exhausted by the energy it takes
to hate myself
- i’m putting the hate down
sometimes
i love you means
sometimes
i love you means
i’ll stay a little while longer
sometimes
i love you means
i’m not sure how to leave
sometimes
i love you means
i have nowhere else to go
i have difficulty separating
abusive relationships
from healthy ones
i can’t tell the difference
between love and violence
- it all looks the same
i was trying to make him the one
and it took me three years to realize
love doesn’t work like that
men like him are experts at
smelling out girls like me
the invisible ones
who believe they must be ugly
because their fathers didn’t love them
he said my name
and i had never heard my name
dance off a man’s lips before
give a little attention
to someone who’s never had any
and they’ll be slipping and falling
all over the place
unable to contain the joy
of being wanted
the relief of being discovered
he groomed me into thinking
i couldn’t survive without him
this is how men like him
trap girls like me
- predator
don’t ask me why i didn’t leave
he made my world so small
i couldn’t see the exit
- i’m surprised i got out at all
if someone doesn’t have a heart
you can’t go around
offering them yours
each time i showed you a piece of heaven
it was a warning
every stroll we took
through the garden of my life
all the flowers that bloomed for you
the peacocks that sang your name
were a sign
yet
after seeing all my magic
you hit your head and lost it
went and scattered yourself across this town
thinking if you were lucky enough to taste me
you’d get your hands on something better
everything dulled in comparison
now you’re back
body spilling all over my floor
begging me
to crush you with my thighs
pull you into my hips
transcend you to heaven with my pussy
i had you on the greatest trip of your life
i had you seeing visions
each time i showed you a piece of heaven
every stroll we took through the garden of my life
all the flowers that bloomed for you
the peacocks that sang your name
were a sign of all you’d lose
if you betrayed me
- consequences
if you’re waiting for them
to make you feel like you’re enough
you’ll be waiting a long time
i’m leaving
cause i’m not happy here
i don’t want to reach the end of my life
still having doubts about
the man i’ve been with
since my twenties
why does everything
become less beautiful
once it belongs to us
it took me getting into a healthy relationship
to realize i shouldn’t be scared
of the person i love
i used to cry
because i could not find
a good man to love me
now i have one and
he isn’t enough
the others were always
halfway out the door
- that’s what made them alluring