concerning behaviors and, 84
concern verbalized in, 130
curiosity in, 84
description of, 75
examples, 85–86, 131
goal of, 83
possibilities, 86
voice given to child in, 84
episodes (challenging). see also waffle episode
collaboration in problem-solving of, 74, 140, 185
of great frequency, 58
plans used to defuse, 146, 194
punishment and, 140
Q&A, 145–146
school issues and, 205
Essential Conversation: What Parents and Teachers Can Learn from Each Other, The, 223
expectations
concerning behaviors and, 72
demanding rapid compliance with, 64
disparities in, 173, 174
Plan A and, 74
Plan B and, 192
problems adjusting, 33
Q&A, 80
at school, 207, 208
setting aside, 77
unrealistic (frustration with), 187
expectations, difficulty meeting, 10, 12, 123. see also unsolved problems
awareness of number of expectations, 47
communication of, 14, 16
concerning behaviors exhibited with, 37, 173
Empathy step and, 115
identification of expectations, 15
ignoring of behaviors accompanying, 63
parental agreement on expectations, 194
problems to be solved, 22
relationship with child and, 234
situational factor of, 204
Faber, Adele, 183
family, 171–202
challenges, 171
communication patterns (family), 183–189
communication problems, 172
concerning behaviors in, 171, 172, 174
example, 195–202
family peace vs. compliance, 190
frustration tolerance, 174
grandparents, 171, 189–190
parent, 190–192
preferential treatment, complain about, 173
Q&A, 192–195
siblings, 172–183
FBAs. see functional behavior assessments
feedback
child tired of receiving, 187
of infant, 155
process requiring, 212
of teachers (on medication use), 153
frustration
academic, 205
action intensifying, 65
caregiver’s response to child’s, 14
concerning behaviors and, 184
depiction of, 159
enhancement of skills needed to handle, 117
example, 31, 33
inducing, 73
lagging skills and, 21, 24, 31, 35, 206, 234
by parents’ unrealistic expectations, 187
peak (example), 2
picture communicating, 159
separation of affect and, 29
skills lacking for handling, 11, 13, 15, 118
tolerance (family), 174
tolerance (school), 153, 204
understanding of, 5
words needed for pinpointing, 160
functional behavior assessments (FBAs), 212
Global Achievement Gap: Why Even Our Best Schools Don’t Teach the New Survival Skills Our Children Need—and What We Can Do About It, The, 142
global skills, 10–11
grandparents, 171, 189–190
“gray” thinking, children who don’t develop, 32
homeopathic remedies, 154
home–school disparity, 204
IEPs. see individualized education plans
individualized education plans (IEPs), 212
infants, 155–156
intermittent explosive disorder, 2
interrupting, 189
Invitation step (Plan B), 75–76, 101–109
beginning of, 102
burden for problem solving, 102
criteria, 103–104
description of, 101–102
example, 105–107
realistic and mutually satisfactory solution, 104
kids do well if they can philosophy, 239
ability to do well, 15
importance of philosophy, 11, 12
mentality different from, 12
motivation, 36, 64
new view of child, 233
lagging skills, 21–41, 173
on ALSUP, 22, 23, 149, 191
anxiety, 31–32
attention-seeking behavior, 35
bad attitude, 36–37
bad choices, 36
basic vocabulary (example), 27–28
black-and-white thinking, 32
brothers’ and sisters’ understanding of, 174
caregiver concerns, 24
concerning behaviors and, 26
difficulty regulating emotions, 29
enlightenment of grandparents about, 190
example, 39–41
focus on, 22
frustration and, 21, 24, 31, 35, 206, 234
“gray” thinking, 32
identification of, 21, 24, 48
important points, 38
in-the-moment emotion regulation, 30
maladaptive responses to problems and frustrations, 35
manipulation, 36
math equation, 35
mental illness, 37–38
motivation, 36
new information on, 22
powerful emotions (example), 30
predictability and routines, preference for, 32–33
pushing buttons, 37
Q&A, 149–150
range of responses in problem solving, 25
relationship with child, 24
sampling, 25
at school, 206, 210, 223
separation of affect, 29
worst solution, 26
language
delayed skills (example), 156
description of, 26
processing (difficulties with), 165
skills needed to participate in Plan B, 98
Lawrence-Lightfoot, Sara, 223
lecturing, 12, 189
Lives in the Balance, 22
Lost at School, 214, 218
making things better, 233–239
examples, 236–238
factors, 234
lessons learned, 233
relationship with child, 234
Mazlish, Elaine, 183
medication (Q&A), 150–153, 154
mind reading, 184
natural consequences, 67
natural remedies, 154
oppositional defiant disorder, 2, 13
overgeneralization, 186–187
parent–teacher problem solving, 223–227
perfectionism, 187
Plan A, 72–74
adult responses, 73
betting on, 124
concerning behaviors and, 146, 194
description of, 71
expectations and, 74
orientation of school discipline programs toward, 205
paradox, 73
power, 73–74
problem with using, 74
safety issues (Q&A), 142–145
solutions arrived at through, 73
type boss (Q&A), 141–142
uninformed solutions, 73
Plan B, 74–76, 83–113
accountability (Q&A), 139–140
being overwhelmed (Q&A), 147
child become defensive, 97–98
child’s statements, 86–94, 95–96, 97
concerning behaviors and, 118
conventional wisdom, 75
Define Adult Concerns step, 75, 98–101, 115
description of, 74
disapproval of concerning behaviors (Q&A), 141
discussion of solutions, 164
dissipated enthusiasm for, 132–133
drilling, primary goal of, 87
&nbs
p; Emergency Plan B, 108, 117, 146, 176, 213, 216–217
Empathy step, 75, 83–86, 115, 163, 176
erroneous conclusion about using, 76
example, 76, 110–113
expectations and, 192
forms of, 110
going astray, 116
hardest part of, 87
Invitation step, 75–76, 101–109
language skills needed to participate in, 98
preordained solution to, 119
Proactive Plan B, 76, 108, 117, 133, 146, 175, 213, 215, 218, 224
reflective listening, 108
reluctance to try, 116
school, solving problems in (components), 209–214
skills enhanced by doing, 149
skipping a step (example), 120–121
solving first problem (Q&A), 148–149
steps, 75–76
student–student problem solving using, 218–221
summary, 109–110
time needed to use (Q&A), 146–147
use as last resort, 118
Plan C, 77–80
concerning behaviors and, 77
description of, 77
downside to, 77
Emergency Plan C, 79, 216
interim plan for an unsolved problem, 78–79
Proactive Plan C, 78
reassurance about deciding to use, 77
upside to, 77
Proactive Plan B, 76, 108, 117, 133, 146, 175, 213, 224
Proactive Plan C, 78
problems in living, 37
problem-solving binder, 160–161, 162
Problem-Solving Plan (website), 213
psychiatric diagnosis, 13
psychiatric disorder, 37
psychologizing, 184
punishment
code names for, 139
default, 6
for failure to comply, 65
motivation and, 64
pain and, 140
Q&A, 139–140
at school, 207
put-downs, 188
Q&A, 139–169
challenging episode, 145–146
communication delays, 154–156
concerning behaviors, 195, 207, 208, 228
deciding what Plan to use, 147
discipline, 194–195
expectations, 80
family, 192–195
homeopathic and natural remedies, 154
lagging skills, 149–150
medication, 150–153, 154
Plan A (safety issues), 142–145
Plan A boss, 141–142
Plan B (accountability), 139–140
Plan B (being overwhelmed), 147
Plan B (disapproval of concerning behaviors), 141
Plan B (solving first problem), 148–149
Plan B (time needed to use), 146–147
punishment, 139–140
safety issues, 142–145
school, unsolved problems at, 207–209, 227–231
setting limits, 140–141
solution, agreeing to, 148
understanding, 147–148
unsolved problems, options for handling, 80–81
reactive attachment disorder, 13
reflective listening, 87–88, 96, 111
safety issues, 142–145
sarcasm, 188
school, unsolved problems at, 203–231
academic frustration, 205
ALSUP instrument, 212
assessment and referral mechanisms, 212
awareness, 209
between two kids, 214
chemical factor, 205
discipline, 203, 205, 206
education classmates about individual differences, 153
embarrassment factor, 204
expectations, 207, 208
expertise, 210
false belief, 204
home–school disparity, 204
lagging skills, 206, 210, 223
mentality, 210
ongoing communication, 213–214
parent–teacher problem solving, 223–227
perseverance, 214
Plan B components, 209–214
practice, feedback, and coaching, 212–213
Proactive Plan B, 215
Q&A, 207–209, 227–231
rationale for continued use of consequences, 207
school discipline programs, orientation of, 205
situational factor, 204
student–student and group problem solving, 218–223
student–teacher problem solving, 215–218
time, 211
urgency, 209
well-behaved students, 207
zero-tolerance policies, 206
separation of affect, 29
shuttle diplomacy, 182
siblings, 172–183
Siblings Without Rivalry, 183
solution, realistic and mutually satisfactory, 104, 119
solutions, identifying and selecting, 160–169
categories, introduction of, 163–164
examples, 165–169
general set of solutions, 162
participating in the process, 161–162
problem-solving binder, 160–161, 162
spanking, 12
speculation, 184, 185
strategies
asking questions, 88
best initial, 122
child’s thought (asking about), 88
common use of, 4–5
default, 111
discrepant observation, 88–89
drilling example, 89–91
drilling perseverance, 128–129
failure of, 3, 12
reflective listening, 87–88, 96, 111
reward and punishment, 3
school discipline, 210
situational variability of unsolved problem (asking about), 88
summarizing and asking for more, 89
tabling and asking for more, 89
unsolved problem broken down into component parts, 88
student–student and group problem solving, 218–223
student–teacher problem solving, 215–218
Szasz, Thomas, 37
third person, talking through, 189
time-outs
child’s performance and, 62–63
example, 28
failure to comply with, 65
power of, 67
recommended, 7, 69
solving problems with, 12
task ill-suited to, 12
waffle episode, 3, 6
unilateral problem solving. see Plan A
unsolved problems, 12, 16, 43–59, 173. see also school, unsolved problems at
adult responses to, 73
awareness of, 147
between two kids, 214
brothers’ and sisters’ understanding of, 174
challenging episodes set in motion by, 58
clumped unsolved problem, 47
component parts of, 88
concerns about, 99
enlightenment of grandparents about, 190
example of, 44
exhaustion from, 191, 192
high-priority, 109, 117
importance of focusing on, 233
important information about, 146
of infants, 155
interim plan for, 78
listing of, 47, 57–58
partners working on, 191
predictability of, 43
prioritizing of, 58–59
psychiatric diagnosis and, 13
situational variability of, 88
splitting of, 47
wording of, 45, 56, 122
words or concepts needed for pinpointing, 160
unsolved problems, identification of
ALSUP, 44, 117
communication challenges, 155, 160
depiction of unsolved problems, 159
example, 156–157
first goal, 156
i
mportance of, 43
linguistic skills, 158
list, 49–50
parents’ goal of, 48
proactive identification, 15
unsolved problems, options for handling, 71–81
Plan A, 72–74
Plan B, 74–76
Plan C, 77–80
Q&A, 80–81
vocabulary, basic (example), 27–28
voice given to child (Empathy step), 84
waffle episode, 1–8
aggression, 2
default punishment, 6
diagnoses, 2
frustration (peak), 2
medication, 3
mental health professionals (recommendations of), 3
time-outs, 3
understanding, 5
Wagner, Tony, 142
zero-tolerance policies (school), 206
About the Author
ROSS W. GREENE, PH.D., is a clinical psychologist and the originator of the innovative, evidence-based approach called Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS), as described in this book. He also developed and executive produced the award-winning documentary film The Kids We Lose, released in 2018. Dr. Greene was on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for more than twenty years and founded the nonprofit Lives in the Balance in 2009. He is currently adjunct professor in the Department of Psychology at Virginia Tech and adjunct professor in the Faculty of Science at the University of Technology in Sydney, Australia. Dr. Greene has worked with several thousand behaviorally challenging kids and their caregivers, and he and his colleagues have overseen implementation and evaluation of the CPS model in hundreds of schools, inpatient psychiatry units, and residential and juvenile detention facilities, with dramatic effect: significant reductions in recidivism, discipline referrals, detentions, suspensions, and use of restraint and seclusion. Dr. Greene lectures throughout the world and lives in Freeport, Maine.
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Also by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D.
Lost at School
Lost & Found
Raising Human Beings
Copyright
This book is written as a source of information only and should not be considered a substitute for the advice, decisions, or judgment of a qualified mental health professional. All efforts have been made to ensure the accuracy of the information contained in this book as of the date published. The author and the publisher expressly disclaim responsibility for any adverse effects arising from the use or application of the information contained herein.
THE EXPLOSIVE CHILD. Copyright © 1998, 2000, 2005, 2010, 2014, 2021 by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.