Life is but a Tree
When the sky is closing in
And the future looks appalling
Remember life is but a tree
Medium-sized and falling.
When the Bough Breaks
When the bough breaks and you’re falling
Enjoy one last look around
For Time, impatient, accelerates
The nearer you get to the ground.
In Good Hands
Wherever night falls
The earth is always
There to catch it.
Ring
Your finger
sadly
has a familiar ring
about it.
Love Cycle
Up against the wall
locked in passionate embrace
our two bicycles.
Cake
I wanted one life
you wanted another
we couldn’t have our cake
so we ate eachother.
Friends of the Earth
Ecology Jim was a Friend of the Earth.
But the earth was no friend of Jim.
When living he covered all of it
Now it covers all of him.
Palmistry
Palmists in Polynesia
Read palm trees
Because it’s easier.
Cane Toads
Please don’t.
Rainforest Gateau
Too many cooks
Recipe gone wrong
Still on the menu
But not for long.
Fatal Consequences
I don’t believe that one about the butterfly –
The air displaced by the fluttering
of its wings in Brazil
causing a tidal wave in Bangladesh.
Mind you,
The day after I shook out
a tablecloth on the patio
there was an earthquake in Mexico.
(Or was it the other way round?)
Global Warming
In the Antarctic, an ice-shelf
twice the size of Norfolk
has broken off, and is melting.
People the world over are concerned.
Especially those in Suffolk
who always get the thin end of the wedge.
Wiwis
To amuse
emus
on warm summer nights
Kiwis*
do wiwis
from spectacular heights.
Ostrich
One morning
an ostrich
buried his head
in the sand
and fell asleep
On waking
he couldn’t remember
where he’d buried it.
Seagulls
Seagulls are eagles
with no head for heights
For soggy old crusts
they get into fights
Out-of-tune buskers
beggars and screechers
Seagulls are not
my favourite creatures.
A 13-Amp Slug
A 13-amp slug
you are likely to find
in the garden under a rock
Be careful
how you pick it up
You might get
a nasty shock.
The Deserted Village
(After Oliver Goldsmith)
Sweet Auburn, loveliest village of the plain,
The new runway opens at Heathrow.
Hark! A jumbo jet……. and again…
And again…and again…and again…
Taking Stick
I may be a stick insect
But I’m not thin I’m thick
I married my childhood sweetheart
Who turned out to be a stick
Light Sleeper
My wife is such a light sleeper
that when I come home late
after a night out with the boys
I always remove my shoes
and leave them at the bottom
of the street.
Imagine my surprise, when
on retrieving them this morning
I discovered that they had been
polished.
What a nice neighbourhood I live in.
What a great country this is.
Neighbourhood Watch
It’s a sin
It’s a crime
Now we can’t tell the time
Our neighbourhood watch
Has been stolen!
Fire Guard
My wife bought a fire guard for the living room.
Seems a nice sort of chap.
Poem against Capital Punishment
I live in the Capital
And it’s punishment
The Concise Guide for Travellers
For covering long distances travel is a must.
Destinations are ideal places to head for.
By the time you get there abroad will have moved on.
To avoid jet lag travel the day before.
If you meet an explorer you are lost.
The Dada Christmas Catalogue
Star-bangled spanner
Chocolate comb
Can-of-worms opener
One book end
Solar-powered sun-bed
Abrasive partridges
Inflatable fridge
Set of nervous door handles
Overnight tea-bag
Instant coffee table
Sly trombone
Pair of cheapskates
Mobile phone-booth
Underwater ashtray
13 amp bath plug
Pair of socks, identical but for the colour
Another book end
Portable suitcase
Genetic make-up bag
Demystifying spray
Packet of party-poopers
Box of (past their sell-by) dates
Nasal floss (unwaxed)
Contact lens adhesive
Magnetic chopsticks
Concrete poetry-mixer
Non-secateurs
Not a pipe.
Punk doll
Last week
I bought my favourite niece
a cute little doll
from a punk toy shop
in the King’s Road.
When you twist the safety pin
in her rosy cheek
‘shitshitshitshitshit’
in a tinny voice.
The doll is pretty strange too.
Lonely Hearts
(i)
Hiawatha, feeling randy
on the shores of Gitche-gumme
Thinking squaw would come in handy
to scritchy-scratchy itchy tummy
Plenty big-bam in the wigwam
where the laughing waters flow
Fire an arrow, make me quiver
Minnehaha ho ho ho.
(ii)
Pied Piper
(kids flown the nest)
seeks lady piper
(preferably undressed)
for reels and jigs
and entrechats.
Do not apply
unless fond of rats.
(iii)
Matilda
(who told such dreadful lies)
seeks handsome fireman
with coal-black eyes
and huge moustache on,
to set her alight
and quench her passion.
(iv)
To whitowl
owner of peagreen boat
seeks pussy-cat
for low jinks
on high seas
-To woo!
Weight-Watching
‘Dear Lonely Hearts, my name is Nate,
My hobbies are weightlifting and tempting fate’
‘Dear Nate, my name is Kate,
My hobby is weight-watching, please name the date’
He showered her
with gifts
Now Kate watches as Nate lifts.
Scintillate
I have outlived
my youthfulness
so a quiet life for me.
Where once
I used to
scintillate
now I sin
till ten
past three.
italic
ONCE I LIVED IN CAPITALS
MY LIFE INTENSELY PHALLIC
but now i’m sadly lowercase
with the occasional italic.
Friends, Flies and Fingernails
Those I grow old with
Dropping like them
Clinging on by them
Dressed for the Occasion
I have enough sweaters and trousers
Though shirts I may need to replace
A couple of suits I can Oxfam
As they take up far too much space
One overcoat, one jacket, leather
One linen suit for summer weather
Hats, of course, and a dressing-gown
Should last until the blind comes down.
Time Flies
We’re led to believe
But it’s us that fly
Time sits on its hands
As we rush by
Said and Done
When all’s said and done
There’ll be nothing left to say or do.
The Proverbials
You can’t toboggan on a level playing-field
Even Big Bad Wolves have nightmares
The bigger the wooden clog, the smaller the forest
The surgeon removed a warm cockle from her heart
Lost, the navigator circled the square in search of a compass
The air was foul until a frank discussion cleared it
The jogger ran up some debts, and then down some
The scales fell from her eyes, badly bruising her toes
Why is the graffiti always neater on the other side of the stairwell?
Prozac provides safety in numbness
Is a dartboard an objet d’art?
Married men live longer than single men.
Or does it just seem that way?
Writing novels is outside my jurisfiction
Why do playwrights always have to dramatize everything?
‘Shy poet seeks post as Writer-in-Reticence’
The lovers warmed their hands in the heat of the moment
A suitcase becomes heavy only when lifted
In summer as hot air rises, so the days get lighter
If you want to put the clock back,
simply clear a space on the mantlepiece
Had the shield been invented first,
would the sword have been thought of ?
Some eggs are not sure they are eggs
Table mats are for wiping your feet before dancing on tables
Toilet rolls are the somersaults that toilets make
when tossed into a skip
The rubber ring lacked a certain je ne sais quoit
To achieve wisdom, arrive after the event
Every journey is an epic
Lost in the desert, the interior designer quickly went insane
When I was at school, teachers used the carrot and stick
method of education. Without the carrot.
In dusty cupboards, teachers’ canes spend the
years wondering what they did wrong
The square of the hypotenuse was filled with buskers
and mime artists
Revenge, unlike Lancashire hot-pot, is a dish best served cold
It may fizz with bubbles but it’s still water
Still waters run deep, although not in saucers
He is so shy he even stammers when he’s thinking
When one glove is missing, both are lost
Having smashed the hand mirror,
the princess could no longer admire her hands
A: The answer
Q: Which came first, the question or the answer?
Questions have a lot to answer for
To claim the reward, one must hand over the kitten
What fun times chameleons have on zebra crossings
Water boils only when the bubbles tell it to
Old people do not walk slowly because they have plenty of time
My shadow is but a shadow of its former self
The book stops here.
THE BEGINNING
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PENGUIN BOOKS
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This collection published 2014
Copyright © Roger McGough, 2014
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Typeset by Penguin Books
ISBN: 978-0-241-97143-7
* In the skies above New Zealand
Kiwis once abounded
But for health & safety reasons
For years now they’ve been grounded