You couldn’t smell the burning
(think how quick a fire grows)
Wouldn’t it be funny
If you didn’t have a nose?
Where would we be without our hooters?
Nothing else would really suit us.
What would we sniff through?
How would we sneeze?
What would we wipe
Upon our sleeves?
You couldn’t smell a rat
If you didn’t have a nose
You couldn’t tell a duchess
From a herd of buffaloes
And … mmmm that Gorgonzola
As it starts to decompose
Oh wouldn’t it be funny
If you didn’t have a nose?
Where would we be without our hooters?
Nothing else would really suit us.
And think of those who
Rub their noses
Life would be tough for
Eskimoses
You couldn’t wear your glasses
If you didn’t have a nose
And what would bullies aim for
When it came to blows?
Where would nostrils be without them?
When it’s runny how it glows
Oh wouldn’t it be funny
If you didn’t have a …
have a …
have a …
a …
a … choo!
Reward and Punishment
If you are good I will give you:
A pillow of blue strawberries
A swimming pool of Häagen-Dazs
A mirror of imagination
A pocketful of yes’s
A hiss of sleigh rides
A lunch box of swirling planets
If you are very good I will give you:
A doorway of happy endings
A hedgerow of diamonds
A surfboard of dolphins
A cat’s paw of tickles
A carton of fresh rainbow-juice
A forest of chocolate wardrobes
But if you are naughty you will get:
A burst of balloon
A screech of wolf
A hoof of piggy bank
A twitch of sideways
A splinter of thirst
A precipice of banana skins
If you are very naughty you will get:
A tyrannosaurus of broccoli
A rucksack of bony elbows
A skeleton of lost pencils
A flag of inconvenience
A chill of false laughter
A detention that lasts forever, and ever, and ev …
Take a Bow, Cow
Take a bow, cow.
You with the beautiful eyes.
Without you, there’d be no ice cream,
No Milky Way in the skies.
Without you, coffee and cocoa
Would be undrinkable.
Imagine a world without MOO?
Unthinkable.
Love a Duck
I love a duck called Jack
He’s my very favourite pet
But last week he took poorly
So I took him to the vet.
The vet said: ‘Lad, the news is bad
Your duck has lost its quack
And there’s nowt veterinary science
Can do to bring it back.’
A quackless duck? What thankless luck!
Struck dumb without a word
Rendered mute like a bunged-up flute
My splendid tongue-tied bird.
* * *
All day now on the duvet
He sits and occasionally sighs
Dreaming of a miracle
A faraway look in his eyes.
Like an orphan for his mother
Like a maiden for her lover
Waiting silently is Jack
For the gab to come back
For the gift of tongues that goes …
Jellyfish Pie
Shuna chewed my tuna sandwich
Molly demolished my cucumber bap
Kylie slyly nibbled my bagel
Gavin unravelled my Mexican wrap
Betty bit my bacon butty
Gupta gulped my hard-boiled egg
Patsy pinched my crusty pasty
Nigella gnawed my chicken leg
Nicola nicked my shrimp on rye
Stephanie scoffed my stuffed panini
But nobody touched my jellyfish pie.
Stop, Thief!
There’s something about the seaside
I don’t understand
Who steals the footprints
We leave in the sand?
Pull the Other One
A crab, I am told,
will not bite
or poison you
just for spite.
Won’t lie in wait
beneath a stone
until one morning,
out alone
You poke a finger
like a fool
into an innocent-
looking pool.
Won’t leap out
and grab your hand
drag you sideways
o’er the sand
To the bottom
of the sea
and eat you, dressed,
for Sunday tea.
A crab, I am told,
is a bundle of fun.
(With claws like that?
Pull the other one!)
OUCH!
Seagulls
Seagulls are eagles
with no head for heights
For soggy old crusts
they get into fights
Out-of-tune buskers
beggars and screechers
Seagulls are not
my favourite creatures.
Aquarium
The ocean’s out there
It’s vast and it’s home
And I want to be in it
With the freedom to roam
Not stuck in a prison
That’s made out of glass
For humans to peer into
As they file past
It’s all right for goldfish
And small fry like that
But I deserve more
Than being ogled at
Imagine the look
You’d have on your face
If you had to live
In such a small space
Little wonder
That I look so glum
Banged up in a seaside
Aquarium.
Teapet
A teapet
I can recommend
to those who need
a loyal friend
Quiet, reliable
he’ll never stray
content to sit
on his kitchen tray
Give him water
stroke his spout
say ‘Thank you’
when the tea comes out.
The Tofu-Eating Tiger
If a tiger invites you round for tea
and offers you tofu,
you can take it from me
he’s only pretending.
It’s merely a ploy
to fool an innocent girl or boy
into thinking he’s sweet.
A vegetarian tiger who doesn’t eat meat.
Rubbish! Just look at those jaws.
Were they designed for chewing rice?
And those claws. For peeling bananas?
Take my advice:
Stay calm. Be polite.
Eat up your tofu and ask for more.
When the feline is in the kitchen
make a beeline for the door.
The Kleptomaniac
(klepto – from the Greek word kleptes, meaning thief)
Beware the Kleptomaniac
Who knows not wrong from right
He’ll wait until you turn your back
Then steal everything in
sight:
The nose from a snowman
(Be it carrot or coal)
The stick from a blindman
From the beggar his bowl
The smoke from a chimney
The leaves from a tree
A kitten’s miaow
(Pretty mean you’ll agree)
He’ll pinch a used teabag
From out of the pot
A field of potatoes
And scoff the whole lot
(Is baby still there,
Asleep in its cot?)
He’ll rob the baton
From a conductor on stage
All the books from the library
Page by page
He’ll snaffle your shadow
As you bask in the sun
Pilfer the currants
From out of your bun
He’ll lift the wind
Right out of your sails
Hold your hand
And make off with your nails
When he’s around
Things just disappear
F nnily eno gh
I th nk th re’s one ar und h re!
The All-Purpose Children’s Poem
The first verse contains a princess
Two witches (one evil, one good)
There’s a castle in it somewhere
And a dark, enchanted wood.
The second has ghosts and vampires
Monsters with foul-smelling breath
It sends shivers down the book spine
And scares everybody to death.
The third verse is one of my favourites
With rabbits in skirts and trousers
Who talk to each other like we do
And live in neat little houses.
The fourth is bang up to date
And in it anything goes
Set in the city, it doesn’t rhyme
(Although, in a way it does).
The fifth verse is set in the future
(And, as you can see, it’s the last)
When the Word was made Computer
And books are a thing of the past.
Bookworms
Bookworms are the cleverest
of all the worms I know
While others meet their fate
on a fisherman’s hook as bait
Or churn out silk, guzzle soil
or simply burn and glow
They loll about in libraries
eating words to make them grow
In long-forgotten classics
Latin tracts and dusty tomes
Snug as bugs they hunker down
and set up family homes
Vegetarians mainly,
they are careful what they eat
Avoiding names of animals
or references to meat
They live to ripe old ages
and when it’s time to wend
They slip between the pages
curl up, and eat ‘The End’.
How to End a Poem
Knowing how to end a poem
is not as easy as people think.
It’s not simply a matter
of putting in a full stop
and then adding your name.
My advice would be to count up to ten
and then shout, ‘One more line
and then I’m coming, ready or not.’
Lost and Found
‘Welcome to the Lost and Found
Step inside and look around
Enjoy the visit but take extra care
There’s a boa constrictor loose somewhere
On buses and trains you wouldn’t believe
The crazy things that passengers leave
A dodgem car, I kid you not
Hot-water bottle full, but no longer hot
Leopard-skin tights for the fuller figure
A pineapple carved with the face of Mick Jagger
Deflating slowly, a lead balloon
A barrel of monkeys and a red baboon
Bikes and skateboards by the score
Two steaming bags of horse manure
Rucksacks, tents and rolled-up beds
If they weren’t screwed on they’d lose their heads
Stop for a moment, do I hear a strange hissing?
Let me just check there’s nobody missing
No, all present and correct I’m glad to say
The snake has probably slithered away
Where was I? Oh yes, an electric chair,
Dozens of dolls and a huge teddy bear
A dodgy piano and a didgeridoo
A doddery dog and a portable loo
A ventriloquist’s dummy at a loss for words
Three French hens and four calling birds
What’s that noise? A strangling sound?
It’s the giant snake. Don’t turn around
Run for your lives, and I’m sorry to say
We’re definitely closed for the rest of the day.’
The Feather Boa Constrictor
The feather boa constrictor
It’s no joke.
It tickles as it tightens
You burst out laughing
Then you choke.
Didgeridoo
Catfish
take catnaps on seabeds
Sticklebacks
stick like glue
Terrapins
are terrific with needles
But what does a didgery do?
Bloodhounds
play good rounds of poker
Chihuahuas
do nothing but chew
Poodles
make puddles to paddle in
But what does a didgery do?
A puffin
will stuff in a muffin
A canary
can nearly canoe
Humming-birds
hum something rotten
But what does a didgery do?
Tapeworms
play tapes while out jogging
Flies
feed for free at the zoo
Headlice
use headlights at night-time
But what does a didgery do?
What does a didgery
What does a didgery
What does a didgery do?
Fruit Bats
Fruit bats come in all shapes and sizes
banana-shaped
pear-shaped
they’re full of surprises
Huge watermelon
and grapefruit bats
Cherry bats and plum bats
Lychees and kumquats
Hanging in the belfry
is that a satsuma?
Another example
of crazy bats’ humour?
You think that’s a strawberry
glowing on a bush?
You go to pick it and whoosh
What a fright!
As arrowing, shrieking
it takes flight
into the bottomless
Fruit bowl of night.
The Brushbaby
The Brushbaby
lives under the stairs
on a diet of dust
and old dog hairs
In darkness, dreading
the daily chores
of scrubbing steps
and kitchen floors
Doomed to an endless
life of grime
My poor little wooden
porcupine.
An Ass
Never harass an ass
An ass will never forgive
Compared to an ass, an elephant
Has a memory like a sieve.
For months, maybe years off,
When you’ve forgotten what you said
He’ll burst into your bedroom
And turf you out of bed.
He’ll bite your nose and ears off
He’ll trample on your head
As you bleed, and plead for mercy,
And you’ve forgotten what you said.
* * *
‘Not true! Not true!’ I hear you cry,
‘The ass is the apple of our Lord’s eye.’
A sweet old donkey? Perhaps you’re right.
(But lock your bedroom door each night!)
5 Ways to Stop Grizzly Bears from Spoiling Your Picnic
1) Shoo them away.
2) Lend them your teddy bears to play with.
3) Have food that Grizzly Bears don’t like (e.g. Fish heads … Donkey drops … Rat toenails … Frog eyes … Pig whiskers … Baboon bellybuttons … Bat milk …). Definitely NOT Honey!
4) Have the picnic in a country where there aren’t any Grizzly Bears:
South America for instance.
(But watch out for tarantulas, crocodiles, boa constrictors, giant hamsters and child-eating goldfish!)
5) Learn a few Grizzly Bear phrases like:
‘Grrr’ (‘Good afternoon.’)
‘Grra Grra’ (‘I’m sorry, but this is a private picnic.’)
‘GURRR GURRR’ (‘Scram, or I shall call the armed militia.’)
Ostrich
One evening