forth new creation.
4 2
S H A B B A T, C H A L L A H & W O M A N
4 3
R I S I N G
“The good life is a process, not a state of bein
It is a direction, not a destina
g
ti
.
o
—
n
C
.”
arl Rogers
“THE ART OF COOKERY IS THE CONSTANT EXPRESSION OF THE PRESENT.”
— AUGUSTE ESCOFFIER, FRENCH CHEF
4 4
It is a direction, not a destination.”
Chapter III
Living in the Process
and Loving every Moment
“The reward of a mitzvah is the mitzvah itself.”
— Avot 4:2
4 5
R I S I N G
We live in a fast-moving world.
It’s a world of information downloaded at the speed of light,
of travel from one end of the planet to the other in the space of
day, and of technology that progresses so quickly, it’s making the
twenty-somethings seem old. Everything needs to happen im-
mediately, if not sooner. Patience and longing seem to be emo-
tional relics of the past. And, truthfully, as a person living fully in
this generation, I think you’ll agree with me that there’s nothing
quite as frustrating as that little color wheel (hourglass, loading
line . . . ) that shows up on our screens and tells us that we have
to . . . wait?!
We buy new appliances, new gadgets with the promises of
faster, more immediate results. If that doesn’t happen imme-
diately, we move onto the next web page, the faster lane, the
drive-thru . . . . These are symptoms of a result-oriented and,
dare I say it, male-oriented society.
This world was created in a manner that calls for our involve-
ment in its perpetuation. Our input drives the evolution of phys-
ics, technology, medicine, and the arts, and yet, woven into the
very fabric of creation, is Shabbat, a Divinely ordained day of
rest.
Weekday reality is one of productivity and proactive creativi-
ty. During the six days of the week, we are called upon to use our
unique gifts to effect change in our surroundings. When Shabbat
arrives, we are summoned to accept all that exists at that very
moment as perfection. We are not meant to change anything.
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L I V I N G I N T H E P R O C E S S
Shabbat reality is one of stillness and deep appreciation of the
inherent unity of all that exists, as it is, right now.
Kabbalah/the Jewish mystical tradition explains that the Cre-
ator creates and sustains the world through a delicate balance
of male and female energies, with the male element being that
of a giver and the female, the receiver. The world is infused with
a “giving” male quality and sustained by a “receiving” female
quality.
The workweek is the expression of the male, “giving” ener-
gy in the universe, while Shabbat is where the female expres-
sion of receiving is welcomed and sustained. It is precisely this
interplay of the workweek and Shabbat, the balance between
ambition and satisfaction, creativity and receptivity, exhale and
inhale, that keeps the world in a healthy equilibrium.
We live in world that still largely believes itself to be in sur-
vival mode, a “dog eat dog” reality as it were, where ego is king
and productivity is measured in numbers. In this society, we
have come to value the male, result-oriented weekday energy as
making more of a significant contribution to the development of
our world than the female, sustaining Shabbat energy, though, in
truth, both are equally vital.
Honoring the Process
In the role of nurturer, so much of what is accomplished is im-
mediately undone. We wash a dish, only to have it dirtied once
again. We make a bed only to have it slept in again, do the laun-
dry only to have it be worn again, and listen empathetically to
our child or friend only to have him or her cry about something
else (or, more likely, the very same thing!) the next day.
4 7
R I S I N G
When our day-jobs consist of clients and tasks to be complet-
ed and the items we tick off on our to-do lists actually stay done,
we may find ourselves lured to the male, result-oriented reality,
and understandably so. However, allowing ourselves to be tied
closely to results in all areas of life will leave us continuously
disappointed and wanting during our “off-work” hours.
What if we could enter, for at least part of the day, into the
feminine, sustaining reality and fully be in that place? What if
the point of washing the dish is the washing itself, not the clean
dish that results? What if the point of listening is just the listen-
ing—being fully present for the person in front of us—not the
offering of solutions?
The practice of separating the challah is unique amongst other
Jewish rituals in that it is one that occurs mid-process. We don’t
wait for the fully braided, egged, and baked challahs to emerge
from the oven before reciting the blessing. Rather, we honor the
process of the baking by removing a piece of the unbaked and
unformed dough and reciting a blessing specifically at that time.
Challah baking is unique in that, regardless of modern tech-
nology and time-saving techniques, it is still a process that re-
quires our presence and participation. When we put our hands
into the challah bowl and knead the ingredients together, we
actively participate in the feeding of our families. And, when we
direct our focus and intention into the combining of the ingredi-
ents, we raise our own awareness of this nurturing and provide
our families with more of ourselves.
In my challah classes I often encounter comments such as,
“You are a professional. My challahs are not going to look like
that,” or, “Look at my challah, it looks your challah’s uglier little
sister,” or, “I have a PhD in English Literature but I have no de-
gree in baking. This is just not going to work.”
4 8
L I V I N G I N T H E P R O C E S S
My response to these comments has been, and continues to be,
that the deepest connection, the mitzvah of separating challah,
occurs long before the challah looks pretty or otherwise. This
suggests that the gift of the challah occurs within the process of
making the challah. Nobody’s dough is inherently prettier than
the next person’s. It’s not about the finished product. When we
are fully present during the process, the results—though they
may not be “perfect looking”—will be a flawless reflection of our
love and care. And, therefore, the challah is perfect.
This idea holds true, so true, in the raising of our children and
the nurturing of our loved ones. When we parent and nurture
with our whole being and focus on the process rather than try
to achieve desired results, we find that the results end up being
sweet and perfect.
The Power of Presence
How often, in our rush to get to the next thing, do we hurry
along our loved ones, sometimes saying the words “hurry up”
more frequently than we say “I love you”? We often forget that
the magic is happening in the moment, right before our very
eyes. We just need to stop and be there—to bring all of ourselves
to that very instant and be totally and completely present.
A funny thing happened at the Western Wall.
It was the spring of 2009 and my first time back in Jerusalem
since I had stood at the Wall as a pimply teenager, praying for
things I couldn’t even fathom.
This time, my prayers and my life had changed beyond recog-
nition. I was old enough to understand what I was praying for
4 9
R I S I N G
and clear-skinned enough to know that everything heals with
time. It was at that moment that I heard my name being called
from somewhere behind me. I turned around and saw a woman
I had met many years earlier. She had lived near us in Brooklyn
at least ten years prior and had eventually emigrated to Jeru-
salem, as many of our congregants have done over the years. I
remembered her as a “wild child,” a party-loving college grad
who was always seeking the next thrill. She looked different
now, centered and serene.
After dispensing with the hugs and exclamations, I asked her
what she was up to and why she looked so changed.
Her next words truly surprised me. “Remember when, eight
years ago, I came to speak privately with you and shared the dif-
ficulties I was going through at the time?” I did remember. Quite
clearly in fact, as it was early in my days of growing a community
and I remember the overwhelming feeling of responsibility (and
intimidation) I felt when someone asked for my(!) advice. “That
meeting with you changed the entire direction of my life,” she
continued. “I moved to Israel, started studying, and my whole
center of being shifted.”
I will admit to having experienced a moment of pride right
then, as I imagined that I had told her something so earth-shat-
tering that it had changed the course of her entire life. Well, my
pride was properly put into place because when I asked her
what it was that I had told her, she answered, “I actually don’t
remember a word you said.”
Hmm. So much for my theory of myself as wise sage. She con-
tinued to say, with tears in her eyes, that, “it wasn’t the words
you said [those “brilliant” words that I stayed up all night formu-
5 0
L I V I N G I N T H E P R O C E S S
lating, mind you], it was just the fact that at the moment of our
meeting, I truly felt that there was nobody else on Earth besides
for you and me. I felt important and recognized and this turned
out to be the turning point in my spiritual journey.”
Such is the power of being present. Just you and I, wholly and
completely in the moment. Nothing else matters.
According to the sages of the Talmud (Nedarim 20b), the ideal
moment for conception occurs when man and woman are fully
and completely focused on each other. With no thoughts of any
other person, and nothing in the world existing but the two of
them, they create and draw down a new soul and life that is per-
fect and whole.
When our loved ones see that the buzzing phone distracts us
from them, it reduces their feeling of mattering. When our chil-
dren observe that our attention is always divided, they absorb
the message that they are not so important. When the one we
love walks through the door and we put down the phone so that
we can be there for him or her, we are making a powerful state-
ment that reverberates for life, louder than the ringing, buzzing,
or beeping of any electronic device.
We don’t need to graduate Le Cordon Bleu to bake a challah,
much as we generally don’t earn a PhD in child psychology be-
fore we parent. We go through this life armed with ourselves . .
. and that’s it. But, when we truly connect with our inner selves
and respect the gift that bringing this whole self to the table tru-
ly is, we create something beautiful. The challahs that are baked
with care, much like the child raised with the blessing of his or
her parents’ full presence of being, are perfect creations and
they will rise.
5 1
R I S I N G
A Life Lived Fully
I want to tell you about my mother-in-law, of blessed memo-
ry. I called her Shvigger, a guttural-sounding Yiddish word for
mother-in-law that became beautiful to me by association. My
shvigger was my greatest role model for a person who gives the
most singular gift in life by her very presence. Her parenting
model was far from conventional, yet she raised incredibly con-
fident, self-respecting, and happy children. She did so simply by
being completely and ecstatically herself and being fully present
for her loved ones.
Her home was her castle, her kingdom the kitchen table, and,
sitting there, over countless mugs of coffee and chocolate jelly
rings, I learned the invaluable lessons of a life lived fully.
The work of the priests in the Temple is often compared to the
and feeding one’s family. The work of the priests was mostly me-
nial and repetitive. They were, quite literally, getting their hands
dirty in the service of G-d. And with each sweep of their brooms,
with each cleaning of the altar, they declared that this work was
Divine service, and it truly was. In fact, it was this menial work
that hinged the connection of the entire Jewish nation with G-d.
As nurturers, serving in our own mini temples, when we are
continuously aware that the work of our hands and of our hearts
is a form of Divine expression and connection, we are living fully.
When the Torah lists long life as a reward for the fulfillment of
specific mitzvot, the term used is “length of days” (Devarim 11:21).
Indeed, those words contain the key to a fulfilled and whole-
some life: a life in which each day is filled to capacity. While we
pray to attain long years, we can only choose to act upon that
which is within our power and acquire long days.
5 2
L I V I N G I N T H E P R O C E S S
A long (i.e. full) day is one in which we are completely present
at every given moment. It is a day during which I waste no time
worrying about that mother in PTA who may (or may not) have
been judging me for my choice of outfit, a day during which I
don’t simply hope for time to pass so I can get to the next stop on
my itinerary, a day during which I simply live each moment. If it
is a PTA meeting, I am fully there for my child. If I am in traffic, I
can allow myself to be in my thoughts and focus on whatever it is
I’d like to think about instead of simply waiting for the next car
to m
ove, the next light to change, and the traffic to clear.
Perhaps this is why time moves faster for adults than for chil-
dren. Small children don’t waste time thinking of end results or
others’ judgments; they are too busy living fully in each moment
and, as such, each moment is complete. Each breath is filled with
wonder, each tick of the clock an opportunity, every step an ex-
cuse for discovery, every day a lifetime.
My shvigger, to our deep sorrow, did not live a conventionally
long life, but it was a life lived so fully and completely —no time
wasted on regret—that she may have well lived a hundred and
twenty years.
As we knead the challah dough, we put our arms, hearts, and
minds into the process. Not waiting for it to be “over with” so we
can eat the challah, we are mindful of the process of creating the
dough itself.
We take a piece of the raw dough and recite a blessing. As
in all aspects of our lives, it is the raw material from which we
create and shape and form, and it is upon this unfinished and
unformed dough that we recite a blessing. As we separate the
dough, we draw blessing down into our sustenance, homes, and
lives, grateful for the process of living, and praying for a life lived
fully.
5 3
R I S I N G
"THE MEETING OF TWO PERSONALITIES IS LIKE THE CONTACT OF TWO CHEMICAL
SUBSTANCES, IF THERE IS ANY REACTION, BOTH ARE TRANSFORMED.”
—JUNG
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Chapter IV
Setting the Stage
: an Environment for Rising
"…Man does not live by bread alone, but rather by what emanates
from the mouth of Hashem does man live."
— Devarim, 8:3
SUBSTANCES, IF THERE IS ANY REACTION, BOTH ARE TRANSFORMED.”
5 5
R I S I N G
At the court of Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi, the great Chasidic
master also known as the Alter Rebbe (lit. old master), there was
a chasid, Reb Shmuel Munkes, who was a great and learned man
in his own right. He had the temperament of a jolly jester and, as
such, was often employed to help lighten the atmosphere. Indeed,
many an opportunity lent itself to his wittiness and humor.
At one particular farbrengen (Chasidic gathering), Reb Shmuel
Munkes was asked to recite some words of wisdom. The assembled
crowd waited in anticipation to hear something lighthearted and