Copyright
Copyright © 2011 by Robert K. Elder
Cover and internal design © 2011 by Sourcebooks, Inc.
Cover design by Jon Resh/Undaunted
Cover images by Jon Resh; Photo booth usage courtesy of 312photobooth; © Micah Young/iStockPhoto
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Elder, Robert K.
It was over when-- : tales of romantic dead ends / by Robert K. Elder.
p. cm.
1. Dating (Social customs)--Humor. 2. Mate selection--Humor. 3. Love--Humor. I. Title.
PN6231.D3E44 2011
818’.602--dc22
2010053372
To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before,
and to those who were kind enough to love me,
thank you, I’m sorry, and thank you.
CONTENTS
Front Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Weird
Sex
Secrets
Quirks
Chemistry
Clashes
Manners
About the Author
Back Cover
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First, thanks to our readers and contributors. Without your stories and enthusiasm, there simply would be no book, no website. Thanks for continuing to submit stories and helping spread the word.
My eternal gratitude goes out to Doug Peterson, the founding webmaster and tech guru behind ItWasOverWhen.com and ItWasLoveWhen.com. We spent a summer of extremely late, sleepless nights ironing out glitches and coping with overwhelming traffic, but he was always collected and cool. So thanks, Doug.
A special note of thanks goes out to my friends Jason Bitner, Andrew Huff, and Scott Smith, all of whom gave me invaluable early advice about the sites.
Thanks to filmmaker Kevin Smith (@thatkevinsmith) for writing early on about ItWasOverWhen.com on Twitter. You helped us go viral. And crashed the site.
Hats off to my friends for providing the first anonymous seed stories, which helped start the websites. Among them are: Marc Calvary, Adrienne Clem, Lauren Graham, Esther Kang, Nicole Kristal, Autumn Whitefield-Madrano, Linda McCarty, Billie Oshana, Suzanna Naramore, Sam Parks, Becky Roberts, Bill Savage, Sasha Schwenk, Christine Whitmer Soileau, Shannon Terry, and Aaron Vetch.
I also had some help editing stories and running the websites from superstar editorial assistants Lisa Cisneros, Marcella De Laurentiis, Kasia Dworzecka, Kelin Hall, Samantha Leal, Theodore Nobel, Chelsea Trembly, and Emily Wray.
Thanks to Jon Resh for the amazing cover, which he furiously designed while expecting his first child. Special thanks to Anthony and Andrea Vizzari at 312photobooth.com for hosting our photobooth shoot!
Thanks to my editor at Sourcebooks, Shana Drehs, who believed in this book (and its forthcoming sister, It Was Love When: Tales from the Beginning of Love) and relentlessly pursued the projects. David Dunton, my tireless agent, is just too cool for words.
None of this, of course, would have been possible without the love, support, and good humor of my lovely bride, Betsy. The websites were built over my hobo summer, when I found myself unemployed and adrift at sea. She continues to be my compass home.
INTRODUCTION
My wife hates this book.
She hated it when she was my girlfriend, hated it when she was my fiancée, and now hates it as my wife. (I’ve always thought that, perhaps, she feared being listed in it.) She says it’s petty, mean, and a collection of stories about the straw that broke the camel’s back.
She has a point, at least with that last part. This is a collection of epiphany moments, of the exact instant when you realize a romance is doomed—that you are, on some level, incompatible with your soon-to-be insignificant other.
But I don’t believe these stories are mean or petty. They’re very human stories.
These stories can be funny, sad, and sometimes both—but they’re nearly always resonant, therapeutic, and universal. They make us laugh, cringe, sigh, and sometimes wonder what our exes say about us. Some are instructive, as much about ourselves and our expectations as they are a guide to navigating the land mine–riddled field of love. These stories feed our inner voyeur and show us how a romance can crash and burn over the tiniest details. The best stories tend to leave us wanting more. Some of them are raw and uneven, which makes them even more real and addictive. A few were edited for clarity, but mostly I’ve left them alone.
That’s why It Was Over When has a sister volume, It Was Love When, which was inspired by my lovely wife. How we know we’re in love is as important as recognizing when love (or the potential for love) ends.
I like to think that each of these stories has a happy ending—that each romantic misstep eventually leads to finding the right person, to a lasting love story.
I’m happy to say that’s true for me. Some of the stories in here are mine. These car-wreck relationships (and a few that landed softly, amicably) ultimately led me to a woman who is both funnier and smarter than I am.
Yet, she hates this book.
I love her anyway.
WEIRD
THE SAMURAI
I walked into his room and found swords hanging on his walls—legitimate samurai swords. When I asked him about it, he had a distant look on his face, and said, “I am warrior.” Not “I am a warrior”—just “I am warrior.” Needless to say, I was frightened…and confused.
—Maddy
AFTERMATH
It lasted about two days after that. I gently ended it of course, after being a bit frightened for my life.
THE LEASE
After two years together, his lease was up for renewal. I suggested he and I move in together. His response: “You want to live with me and my roommates?”
—Mel
AFTERMATH
It lasted another six months before I realized he honestly and truly wasn’t in this relationship for the long haul.
VICARIOUSLY
I was twenty years old and dating a high school teacher in his early thirties. I jokingly remarked one morning that I was not much older than some of his students, to which he replied, “I’m living vicariously through you because I can’t lay a hand on any of them.”
—Em
AFTERMATH
I bolted and never contacted him again.
DINOSAURS
He thought that dinosaurs were a conspiracy theory.
—Noel
AFTERMATH
I pretended I didn’t hear.
C
AT WOMAN
As I waited patiently for her to get ready, her kitten started nuzzling me. I picked the cat up and realized the poor thing only had one eye. Then my date came in, grabbed the cat from me, and threw it violently onto the kitchen table, where it struggled to catch itself on the slippery surface before falling off the edge and landing on the hardwood floor.
—Leon
AFTERMATH
I rushed our date and broke up with her the next weekend.
ROCK OUT
My boyfriend told me he wrote a song for me and was going to play it at his next show. He came onstage screaming, wrapping the microphone cord around his neck like a noose, ripping his shirt off, and pouring fake blood on himself. He proceeded to properly dedicate it to his “hardcore girlfriend.”
—Liz
AFTERMATH
We broke up…hardcore.
AL-ANON
She took me to Al-Anon, a meeting for the adult children of alcoholics, for a date.
—Aaron
AFTERMATH
That was the best part of the evening, even after she took off her clothes.
MANNEQUINS
He had two life-size mannequins in his living room, a man and a woman. They were dressed in the exact outfits his parents were married in (wedding dress and military uniform). I thought maybe his parents had passed and he was remembering or honoring them. No, they are still alive.
—Ricky
AFTERMATH
That was date number two; he didn’t get to date number three.
THE CHECKLIST
She told me that I had passed her guy “date-ability” list, missing only one out of thirty-four requirements. I thought she was kidding until she showed me the actual checked-off list.
—LA boy
AFTERMATH
One week.
VAMPIRE
One night she turned to me and said, “It’s not going to work out,” then bit me on the arm until I bled.
—Bill
I never saw her again. I guess I was fortunate to be dating a vampire with bad aim.
DOUBLE WHAMMY
My boyfriend told me he booked us a hotel room. When I arrived, I noticed ties on all corners of the bed, some lube, a blindfold, and a cucumber! I got a little freaked out after seeing all that. Then his cell phone rang. It was his wife.
—Rae
AFTERMATH
I have not returned any of his phone calls or text messages.
TWILIGHT SHAKESPEARE
Being well-read is a major turn-on for me. On the first date, I referenced Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew and Much Ado About Nothing, and she had never even heard of them. But she had read Twilight.
—Brian
AFTERMATH
There was not a second date.
CLOWNS
She had a framed picture of her and her mother both dressed in full clown outfits (orange hair, red nose, makeup, etc.) sitting on her kitchen counter. It freaked me out.
—Chris
AFTERMATH
I said good-bye.
ASPIRIN
She “attempted” suicide by eating two more than the recommended dosage of aspirin…
—Luis
AFTERMATH
Played along with it and talked her down until she agreed that suicide wasn’t the answer. Was worried she might try it again with a harsher drug…like Flintstones chewable vitamins.
NEXT
I had just arrived to pick her up for our first date when her little boy ran over to me and said, “My mom says you are going to be my next dad.” Yes, he said “next.” We went out that night and never again.
—Dace
AFTERMATH
I ran into her a year or so later and found out she had gotten married but was getting a divorce, after only a year—her kid’s new daddy number four.
PUPPY LOVE
On our first date, in the middle of the dance floor, he licked my face (full tongue) from my chin to my ear.
—Mandy
AFTERMATH
I never saw him again.
TOSSED HIS COOKIES
He was afraid the homemade cookies I brought him would make him fat. He said he would toss them as soon as I left, but not before adding, “No, I’ll pee on them first.”
—Amy
AFTERMATH
This story gets me sympathy.
SCRABBLE SMACKDOWN
He threw the Scrabble game board across the room, tiles flying everywhere, because I played a word where he was planning to play his Q word.
—Michelle
AFTERMATH
I threatened to break up, but he tried to show how much he loved me by reconstructing the board exactly as it was before his fit of rage. I married the arse, and later divorced him.
KNIGHT IN FUZZY CARPET
My parents just carpeted our downstairs and my boyfriend at the time asked me if we had any carpet left. So I said yes and gave it to him without thinking what he needed it for. The next day he showed up to school wearing the carpet in the form of armor. And wore it for the entire day.
—Shauna
AFTERMATH
We broke up soon after this happened.
PERCH
He kept climbing up on things. We’d go to a bar and he’d climb on the pool table or the bar or whatever else and perch on it. I think he thought it made him interesting, but it really just made him look like a tool.
—BlueCanary
AFTERMATH
He started wearing black eyeliner right around the same time I stopped returning his calls.
PLAYSTATION 3
We had been dating one and a half years when he told me one night that I was worth the equivalent of two PlayStation 3s to him. And really meant it.
—Chelsea
AFTERMATH
His friend told me later that he meant to say four. I ended it two months later; wish I would’ve done it sooner.
BIG BROTHER
I apologized after a fight. He forgave me, and gave me a comforting hug. A few minutes later, when I pointed out how sweet he was, he told me that he knew I couldn’t help what I said because of the chip the government had implanted in my brain.
—Atta
AFTERMATH
I told him I was going to backpack Europe and left.
DADDY DON’T
She said, “You remind me of the fourth of my five fathers.”
—QewlKat
AFTERMATH
Ran for the hills!
COOL CLUBS
He told me about a steroid patient he was treating in the ER for an infected abscess. He then told me that the patient was going to “hook him up and get him into some cool clubs” and that he took the patient’s phone number. I laughed. It was not a joke.
—Heather
AFTERMATH
That was the last date. I dumped him via text about a week later.
WARLOCK
He told me that he was a warlock and had magical powers.
—Christy
AFTERMATH
I stayed as far away from this man as possible.
SMOOTH ’N’ SILKY
He said he shaves his legs because he likes the feel of it and women tell him it drives them wild.
—Lolita
AFTERMATH
It remains to be seen.
RUNNER-UP
When I asked him who his best friend was, he said his ex-girlfriend. Who lived with him, who had left him for his other “best friend,” who also lived with him.
—Anne
AFTERMATH
I gave it a sporting chance for about a month, but after that, it wasn’t worth trying to play silver medal to his ex.
AFTERWARD
We were together for eight years. On our second wedding anniversary, he told me he was moving out and wanted a divorce. Then he asked if we could still date afterward.
—Amanda
AFTERMATH
The last time I voluntarily saw
him was when we signed the divorce papers. Single life is hard for me, but it’s better than being married to him.
CAESAR SALAD, MEDIUM WELL
She bought a gift for herself and pretended it was from me. She also heated her salads in the microwave.
—Wolfman
AFTERMATH
We dated only about a month. The gift was a bracelet that said “Love.”
SELF-DEFENSE
I kept a gun for self-defense because we lived in a shady neighborhood. One day he asked to borrow it. I asked why, and he said, “To kill my ex-wife.”
—Spiralina
AFTERMATH
I changed my locks and eventually my phone number.
THE PEOPLE
After a few weeks, I finally got her to agree to a date. I made her dinner and we watched a movie. She ended up spending the night. She woke me up at 3 a.m. to ask me why I had let all the people in the room. There were no people in the room.
—Spally
AFTERMATH
She spent the next two days on my front porch. I ducked out the back of my house and went to stay with friends until I could get a friend of hers to come and convince her to leave.
WORLD’S GREATEST LOSER