So that’s my ode to Charles Bukowski. Whether I nailed his distinctive style or not, I don’t know. If he read this I suppose he’d probably roll over in his grave. But if you’ve got cancer or know someone who’s got cancer or some other awful illness, tell them to give the creamed asparagus a go and have faith in it working. If I thought I could help just one cancer sufferer with this story, when the time comes, this old extraterrestrial will beam back to his friends in the Epsilon Pulsar System a very happy man. But here’s a sobering thought: specialists predict that in the next five to ten years, one out of two people will develop some kind of cancer. And I know why — black electricity. We’re all living in an electronic soup. Every day we’re being bombarded by thousands of radio, television and satellite beams. Mobile phone beams, sat-nav beams, surveillance beams from space. Ones we don’t even know about. All these beams get mixed up with electricity from power poles and it’s all constantly going through your body. Like the wind, you can’t see it, but it’s there. We’ve all got dormant cancer cells in us. You can be in the wrong place at the wrong time, the black electricity hits them and up comes our old mate, the Bengal Lancer. Think about it.
But before I love you and leave you, I’d like to give you a little tip. The big bloke upstairs gave me a quick boot up the arse a week or so ago. I was pushing a shopping trolley out of a supermarket at Erina Fair when I spotted a bloke a little younger than me coming out of a shop in a mechanised wheelchair. His hands were draped over the arm rests and he was steering it with his chin. I caught his eye and gave him a wink and said hello and he smiled hello back. But as I was walking off I caught his reflection in a shop window. He was watching me and I knew just what he was thinking. Look at that lucky old bastard. He can push a shopping trolley and get around all right. Not like me stuck in a wheelchair. So every night before you go to bed, offer up an audible prayer to the Great Spirit and thank him for getting you through another day and for any good things you’ve got. He likes that. And if the Great Spirit likes that, I’m certain he’ll like you too.
About the Author
Robert G. Barrett was raised in Sydney’s Bondi, where he worked mainly as a butcher. He moved to Terrigal on the Central Coast of New South Wales, where after twenty-five years and much hard work he managed to forge a career as a successful writer.
To find out more about Bob and his books, visit these websites:
www.robertgbarrett.com.au
or
www.harpercollins.com.au/robertgbarrett
Other books by Robert G. Barrett and published by HarperCollins
So What Do You Reckon?
Mud Crab Boogie
Goodoo Goodoo
The Wind and the Monkey
Leaving Bondi
The Ultimate Aphrodisiac
Mystery Bay Blues
Rosa-Marie’s Baby
Crime Scene Cessnock
The Tesla Legacy
Les Norton and the Case of the Talking Pie Crust
High Noon in Nimbin
Copyright
HarperCollinsPublishers
A version of this collection was first published 1996
by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited.
This expanded edition first published in Australia in 2011
This edition published in 2011
by HarperCollinsPublishers Australia Pty Limited
ABN 36 009 913 517
harpercollins.com.au
‘Rider on the Storm’ first appeared in Playboy, 1993
‘The Party of the First Part’ first appeared in The Wonderful World of People, 1985
‘Diamond Les’ first appeared in The Outrageous World of People, 1986
‘So, You Want to be in Movies?’ first appeared in Playboy, 1984
‘The Empty Stomach’ first appeared in Playboy, 1985
‘So, You Want To Be A Righter Writer?’ first appeared in Playboy, 1988
‘I Was a Judge in a Wet T-Shirt Contest’ first appeared in People, 1993
The ‘Whining and Dining with Robert G. Barrett’ columns first appeared in Nine to Five, 1994
‘Amy Outhouse’ first appeared in the Daily Telegraph, 2009
This collection copyright © Psycho Possum Productions 1996, 2011
The right of Robert G. Barrett to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him under the Copyright Amendment (Moral Rights) Act 2000.
This work is copyright. Apart from any use as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be reproduced, copied, scanned, stored in a retrieval system, recorded, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
HarperCollinsPublishers
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National Library of Australia cataloguing-in-publication data:
Barrett, Robert G.
Still riding on the storm.
ISBN 978 0 7322 9504 2 (pbk.)
ISBN 978 1 74309 528 7 (epub)
A823.3
Cover design by HarperCollins Design Studio
Cover images by shutterstock.com; bunny by istockphoto.com