Poetry is a fight to the finish 14.
I respect that. I respect that.
But I don't like it.
And I don't think I want any.
15.
(I'm such a cynical bastard) A conversation fragment:
Mariah say
"Ok. I'm going to work" Rick say
"How come you always get to go to work? What do I get?"
Mariah say
"You get to work here: do laundry
write poetry
and baby sit"
Rick say
"I should write that down"
17.
I want people
to make something out of my work
Paper airplanes are a worthy use
"Zombie Fly"
Rock and Roll History Class
listening to a lecture on Soul Music There is a large fly
sitting on the floor near the CD player I imagine it's listening
to the Professor's selections
The fly just flipped onto its back
legs poking up in the air
a cartoon death
right next to the player
It died to Aretha Franklin
Oh! It's back up and moving again
now that the music's off And now, with Ruth Brown playing
the fly has stopped moving again Weird Shit
Zombie fly?
Walking the stage
No longer a fly
The fly ascendeth
to James Brown
"Our Clawses Intersect"
When you stab them in the back
smile
and they'll hardly notice the blood
My beard is beginning to feel
artificial
like I've strapped an animal pelt to my face
I'd like to deejay at an all ages club
and play filthy music for the kiddies I suspect
they would enjoy it immensely
Why do we protect children
from the things adults love most?
Buildings can sometimes creep up on you and pounce
You never see it coming
Sirens are the cries of the city
echoing
like banshees
then fading to a hush
Silence is only a dream
"My Friends"
My friends are foam
and animals
with bugging eyes
or none
who sing and dance with stars and shadows
and channel spirits
long since gone
from this world
"Monstrous"
My brain is monstrous today
Growling
Biting
Scratching
But it ain't workin'
like it should It's eatin' villagers
and stomping on churches and breathing fire
on all the crops
And now it's eating that sacrificial virgin the one the villagers
chained to those manacles right outside the cave opening
And the young knight
is nowhere to be found
probably somewhere in the city shootin' up
or skeazin' with a cheap hooker
And my monster brain
just doin' what monsters do don't seem that bad anymore
Not compared to that cock
of a knight
who really ain't worth a shit
"Sleep? What's That?"
1. Camping
at a creekside RV Park
just south of Seaside, Oregon
Starting to get dark
ashes from the fire
keep falling on me
Before here
we wuz at Dad's house
in Toledo, Washington
His 60th birthday was a few days ago We threw a minor wing-ding today Mostly pizza and hacky-sack He's pretty nimble
for a guy with grand-kids
Back to camping
A baby with a stick-on-fire is trying to smack everyone with it
Must be somewhere between 9:30 and 10:00 pm I'm ready for sleep
Think I'll try to find my toothbrush
Mostly too dark to see now
Teeth are brushed
hat's off
laying down in the tent
Can still hear many "goings on" from the world outside the dome but I'm ready to crash
Earlier this evening
Aaron and the rest of the family
(minus me, I hid)
were visited by a news crew from Portland who were making a news story
based on what they already believed to be true Fitting sound bites to their ideas
instead of trying to discover
what was really going on
Too much ruckus to write now
cuz humans have invaded my tent
2. Next day
Still too dark to see properly
About 4 in the morning
Been up for a while
Combination of uncomfortable ground bad back
having a cold
and whatever weird psychological thing stops me from sleeping
I have a hard enough time getting to sleep at home in my own bed
Not much chance of sleeping at a camp ground
Now I'm in the car
writing
Figured if I wasn't gonna sleep I might as well do something useful
Wish it would hurry up and get light out I've got the dome light on in the car so I can write
but the windows are all foggy from the morning dew
Can't really see out at all
Terrible position to be in
in case of zombie or homicidal maniac attack
And there weren't any paper towels in the restroom
when I went
so I didn't wash my hands and now I feel all icky
Tired sore
sick
icky
uncomfortable
and completely unprepared for zombie attack
Not exactly my ideal vacation
Maybe I'll try to take a nap until the sun comes up Ten minutes after 4 now
Just talked to Aaron
(me wife's brother)
He was grabbing pajama pants out of his trunk
Legs too cold
3. Adventure time!
Aaron needed some milk
to curb a case of heartburn
so we went looking for a Safeway Turns out they're not open 24 hours here Shell station was, though
Only problem is that Aaron's car
was toastie warm
(even the seats have heaters
built right into them)
so this car
which didn't seem that bad a while ago (it's 4:44 now)
seems chilly
by comparison
Gonna eat a cereal bar
4. About 5:00 a.m.
Sun still isn't up
but there's enough light to read now
Took some generic "day-time" cold pills See if that relieves
my irritated bronchial passages
I think Aaron went back into the tent
He was going to try to build a fire with the left-over wood from last night (five bucks per bundle)
but we left the matches on the table and they got soaked with dew Think he gave up
and headed back to bed
Oh! Nope
He just climbed into his car probably for warmth Or not
Just got out again
I wonder what time
the rest of these shlam-geckies are gonna get up
I imagine the babies
won't sleep too much later than now
I'd turn on the car
and use the heater for warmth but
somehow
that seems like cheating
Why should I get an actual heater when all Mariah and the girls have is blankets
(and bodies
, I guess)
Still feels weird
not having that course fur all over my face
(I shaved my beard off a couple days ago
Do I wanna grow it back?)
5. Looks like we're gearing up
for a mini sequel
to The Birds
Bunch of noisy black flappers gathering around the tent for a sneak attack
on the helpless sleeping campers
I wonder what time this town wakes up
and comes to life
Probably not for several hours yet That's the problem with not sleeping much You've got to figure out
how to entertain yourself
I suppose I could have gone for a walk That would have helped keep me warm and given me some exercise
But I didn't
Mornings are weird
6. At Marsh's Free Museum
in Long Beach, Washington Earlier we ate at Pig 'n Pancake in Seaside
then hit the arcades
Kids won a bunch of junk
Now that we're at Long Beach
we're planning to go down to the sea shore
and play with our Frisbee and a couple of the toy airplanes the kids won earlier
Meanwhile, I'm sitting outside Marsh's while the rest of the group looks around
at Jake the Alligator Man and the two headed calf
I'm keeping our arcade winnings with me (Marsh's sells similar items and I don't want nobody
to thinks we stole 'em)
It's colder
and much windier
here in Long Beach
Better weather for kite flying Less pleasant for a Frisbee
Unfortunately we're fresh out of kite
Somehow
(at present none of us seem capable of formulating a theory)
the package of generic cold remedy that I purchased before we left Longview has gone astray
I took two this morning
at about 5 a.m.
but have since lost track of the box In addition
(but thanks to subtraction)
we only have about five bucks left which we might need for fuel
if we eventually plan on getting home This means we can't afford to buy any more medicine for my cold
I must suffer For the obvious reason
(we're poor)
we didn't have very much money for this trip
but we came anyway
cuz we needed to Not sure how long I've been sitting outside this place
perhaps days
but I'm starting to wonder if the rest of the gang
is ever coming out
I really need to use the restroom
I believe
after our visit here at Marsh's
and a little bit of time down on the beach we'll finally get to head home
That would be nice
I'm a wee-bit tired
"The Planter Box"
An odd moment for me
Actually a series of three
somewhat average moments
that
when taken together
and in a certain sequence
produce an odd sensation
a sensation of the odd
1. This morning
approximately 8 a.m.
give or take a minute or two
I left my house to warm the car up
in preparation for taking my younger daughter Ellie
to school
Passing from doorway to porch
I spotted an overturned planter box small, green, cheap, plastic
and laying nearby
was a clump of flowers
sideways
with their roots exposed
loosely encased in potting soil
though some had crumbled away presumably when the plant fell Nothing too bizarre to this
It had been windy
lately
and our porch is often infested with cats either agent being capable
of knocking over a planter of flowers
I left the evidence there
and continued to the car 2. After dropping Ellie at school
I returned home
and
upon reaching the porch
noticed that the flowers had returned to the planter and that it was now set right-way-up
It even appeared that the loose potting soil had been swept away I assumed that Mariah
had quickly cleaned the spill up while I was gone
3. Later that day
having run a number of errands stopped by the middle school to view my older daughter Frankie's
science fair project
popped by the bank
run to the post office (though not literally, I drove) and shopped for groceries
I again returned home
to find the flowers toppled
loose potting soil on the porch and the planter upright
but empty Visually speaking
the scene appeared to be a re-run
of the incident I had witnessed that morning and that sensation of the odd
I mentioned early
came to me in full force
as I ran through the possible explanations for how I came to see the same scene twice in one day:
Explanation A:
A cat knocked the flowers over again
while I was out
This would be the simplest
most mundane
possibility
and, were it the only one I imagined I should have no cause to be writing
Explanation B:
Mariah
nor anyone else
ever actually cleaned up the original mess and I imagined
upon my initial return that morning the flowers righted
and the soil swept away
This explanation
though less likely than the first is also entirely possible
but carries with it
some rather disturbing suggestions regarding my grasp and grip on the every-day world
Explanation C:
The initial spill
which I thought I glimpsed earlier that morning had not
yet
actually happened
in fact
some form of premonition or glimpse of the future
Remarkably
this third hypothesis
though entirely improbable
if not down-right impossible
was the first one to pop into my head when the third porch scene came into my sight
That this should be my first thought
some type of time-perception displacement unfortunately
again brings up questions
of my grip on reality
precisely because it is so unlikely
And that's why I've chosen to note this collection of circumstances as a confession of mental insecurity
which
should I ever end up in court
can be used as part of my insanity plea
I can imagine the scene already:
me
handcuffs linked to ankle restraints by a clinking chain
The courtroom filled with jeering snarling faces My lawyer
a young man
the only person willing to take the case smiling as the judge
in a somber voice
declares me innocent by reason of insanity
At least I assume I'm imagining it
Let's hope it's not another toppled planter box to come
"Memory Problem"
1.
I'm fragmenting
Gushing
Should I let it run?
Or look for a psychic plumber?
The Devil is in the pipes How best to edit this mess?
This poem? This life?
By house fire?
My number two fear just behind illness If my journals burn
will I cease to
be?
They are the solid memory of me
Fragments
Fragments are all we have
Fragments are the whole
2.
Lives are always lost
replaced by stories When we read about a life:
Socrates
world's first stand-up comic we aren't remembering him we are creating some new Socrates
And the original is still dead
We take pictures to remember sights we wouldn't have seen
if we hadn't taken the pictures
We clash with the ghosts of the past... and photographs are hauntings
3.
Photographs are hauntings Family albums
and diaries become icons and stories
The ghosts of loved ones look at us
in monochrome
Buried smiles
flash
from glossy five by sevens
We feed on these corpses Memories accumulate become archives mausoleums
Stories are told and retold and retold until they become lies disguised as history
"Hotel"
1.
In Eugene at an optical convention
Mariah's clinic picking up the check Staying at the Hilton
No fridge
No microwave
No paper towels
Seven bucks to park
Last year that was free Mariah floats off to class
I try watching t.v.
but can't
Finished Ginsberg's Kaddish
Think I'll look for Howl tomorrow at that big book store
I really liked last time
Forgot the camera
Never remember the "sights" now My head is a black hole
Mariah wants me to go with her
to the "event" tonight
upstairs
to have a drink
But my eyes are already getting tired Not sure how much steam I have left 2.
Keep hearing sirens from the streets below
(I'm on the third floor)
and imagining
bombs going off
or crazy murderers
on the loose
Loud noises in the hallway
Probably someone pushing a luggage cart around Though it could be a body on a stretcher
Is this the same room as last time? Or are the rooms
all exactly the same here? Deja vu
I think the water in the bathroom just turned on and off by itself A ghost
washing its hands
Moan. Maybe from the pipes
Lots of weird clicks and ticks Traffic noises from below The heater says 72 degrees F but I'm cold
even with my jacket on
Maybe Mariah's class ended at 9:00 pm instead of 8
I should have asked her before she left Will she ever return?
(I thought most people grew