I look at my watch
Five minutes late
Eighth floor
I get off
I walk down the hall
To the number written on my piece of paper
I push a door
I go into some kind of hip salon where you can get a spa pedicure
I ask for Bridget Castonguay
They ask me if I have an appointment
Yeah
Yeah yeah
They ask me if it’s a bikini appointment
What?
They point to a door
VI
CHLOE
Bridget is sitting at her desk
Her high heels tapping the floor impatiently
I go in
Sorry. I didn’t knock. I mean, sorry.
BRIDGET
Miss Hartwell!
CHLOE
Yeah. Yeah. It’s me. Yes. I’m late. Because I helped an old lady cross the street.
BRIDGET
You’re kind. Kindness is good.
CHLOE
They’re fragile—you know—grandmothers.
BRIDGET
Please have a seat.
CHLOE
Thanks.
BRIDGET
Coffee?
CHLOE
Sure do love my coffee.
BRIDGET
You drink a lot of coffee?
CHLOE
Oh yeah.
BRIDGET
How many a day?
CHLOE
Too many.
BRIDGET
Are you an anxious type?
CHLOE
She serves me a coffee
Cold
Anxious?
BRIDGET
That’s right.
CHLOE
Not really, no.
BRIDGET
Good.
CHLOE
(clearing her throat) Ahem!
BRIDGET
Chloe Hartwell . . .
CHLOE
That’s me.
BRIDGET
Chloe, Chloe, Chloe . . .
CHLOE
Yep.
BRIDGET
So?
CHLOE
So, what?
BRIDGET
Do you like it?
CHLOE
Yes, thanks. A bit cold, but very good.
BRIDGET
Cold?
CHLOE
It’s fine, though, I like cold coffee. Especially in the summer.
BRIDGET
I thought—
CHLOE
Some restaurants make a really nice iced coffee.
BRIDGET
You like going to restaurants, Miss Hartwell?
CHLOE
Yes.
BRIDGET
What kind of restaurant?
CHLOE
All sorts of kinds.
BRIDGET
For a first date, which would it be?
CHLOE
Which?
BRIDGET
Restaurant!
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Are you all right?
CHLOE
I don’t know which one. I like Indian food.
BRIDGET
Good!
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
May I call you Chloe?
CHLOE
Yes.
BRIDGET
Great! And you can call me Bridget.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
I’ve drawn up a little contract, Chloe.
CHLOE
A contract?
BRIDGET
Just a teeny-weeny little contract.
CHLOE
Teeny-weeny.
BRIDGET
Just a contract so you can make sure you get all your razors, and I can make sure I have you here once a month. That way, if I forget to send you your razors, you can call me up and say: “Hey! Bridget! We signed a contract.”
CHLOE
Oh! Okay. Yeah. Okay.
She holds out a piece of paper
Which I sign at the bottom
She holds out another piece of paper
It’s identical
I sign at the bottom
BRIDGET
Now we each have a copy.
CHLOE
Great.
BRIDGET
. . .
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Have you used the razors, Chloe?
CHLOE
Yeah.
BRIDGET
How many times?
CHLOE
Two or three. I don’t remember.
BRIDGET
Do you shave in the shower or in the bath?
CHLOE
In the bath.
BRIDGET
How hot is your bath?
CHLOE
Normal.
BRIDGET
Warm?
CHLOE
A bit hotter than warm.
BRIDGET
It’s hot out today.
CHLOE
Yeah.
BRIDGET
Why don’t you wear skirts, Chloe?
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Ashamed of your legs?
CHLOE
It’s not that.
BRIDGET
Got a complex, do you?
CHLOE
It’s just, I didn’t have any clean skirts.
BRIDGET
Low self-esteem.
CHLOE
Not really, no.
BRIDGET
Do you have a personality disorder?
CHLOE
Huh?
BRIDGET
Borderline?
CHLOE
No. I don’t think so.
BRIDGET
You don’t think so?
CHLOE
Do you think so?
BRIDGET
If I say “self-mutilation,” you say?
CHLOE
Ouch?
BRIDGET
Good!
CHLOE
What do you mean, “good”?
BRIDGET
You’re all right, Chloe.
CHLOE
Thanks.
BRIDGET
I like you. And if I may give you a word of advice . . . Men love skirts. Take my brother: it always gets his attention when a girl shows some leg.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Nothing to say?
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Are your legs soft?
CHLOE
Yes.
BRIDGET
Really soft?
CHLOE
It depends.
BRIDGET
On what?
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
It’s important. For the razors.
CHLOE
Not always soft.
BRIDGET
Are you the kind of girl who likes a three-day beard more than a clean-shaven face?
CHLOE
No.
BRIDGET
You prefer a soft face. That you can kiss, and stroke.
C
HLOE
Yep.
BRIDGET
So! In that case, why don’t you do the same for your legs?
CHLOE
Meaning?
BRIDGET
Shave them three or four times a week, so they always stay soft.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Are you a faithful girl, Chloe?
CHLOE
What?
BRIDGET
. . .
CHLOE
Yes, overall.
BRIDGET
Overall?
CHLOE
I think so, yes.
BRIDGET
So, if you become attached to my—to our—product, you won’t go looking elsewhere?
CHLOE
As long as I’m satisfied with the product, no.
BRIDGET
Good.
CHLOE
Is that it?
BRIDGET
Huh?
CHLOE
There’s sort of a chill
I just sit there
So does she
We smile
It’s nice
Because smiling means you’re on the same page
BRIDGET
Do you do your bikini line?
CHLOE
That’s personal.
BRIDGET
Not at all.
CHLOE
Yes at all.
BRIDGET
You don’t shave in the region of your genital parts?
CHLOE
I didn’t say that.
BRIDGET
Hairy genital parts are repulsive to men’s mouths.
CHLOE
Okay, too much. I’m leaving now.
BRIDGET
Why?
CHLOE
Because that’s none of your business.
BRIDGET
We’re just talking. If you have no problem being repulsive to men’s mouths, that means you don’t have a lover. Am I right?
CHLOE
I do my bikini line.
BRIDGET
You’re single, am I right?
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
So.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Don’t be like that. I don’t want to hurt you. Au contraire. To be honest, I don’t give a damn if your legs are softer to your touch. What’s important is that your legs are softer to a man’s touch. After all, we don’t shave our legs for our own hands, am I wrong?
CHLOE
No.
BRIDGET
You need a life partner.
CHLOE
A what?
BRIDGET
Would you like me to help you meet someone?
CHLOE
Say what?!
BRIDGET
I know you’re tired of doing your grocery shopping alone.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
You told me so when we met. Don’t play shy.
CHLOE
Maybe there are times when I’d like to have someone to do my shopping with, sure. But that doesn’t mean you can force me to—
BRIDGET
I’m not forcing you to do anything.
CHLOE
Sorry.
BRIDGET
It would just be good if I could help you to help us.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
I could introduce you to someone.
CHLOE
I am quite capable of finding a boyfriend all by myself.
BRIDGET
Okay. If you say so.
CHLOE
I do say so.
BRIDGET
Then prove it.
CHLOE
I’ve got nothing to prove to you.
BRIDGET
You just signed a contract.
CHLOE
Yeah, and?
BRIDGET
You should always read what you sign, Chloe.
CHLOE
What are you trying to say?
BRIDGET
In the contract it says that the client commits to having a lover in order to—
CHLOE
She picks up the piece of paper in front of her
BRIDGET
“Maximize the benefication of accurate and correct results vis-à-vis supporting evidence.”
CHLOE
You have got to be kidding.
BRIDGET
You can read it. You have a copy in front of you.
CHLOE
I read
She’s right
That bitch
BRIDGET
In one month, at our next appointment, you will have a lover.
CHLOE
Or else what?
BRIDGET
I repeat my offer: I can help you find someone.
CHLOE
No thanks. I’ll do it myself.
BRIDGET
Fine.
CHLOE
Then I do this bizarre move
I don’t know why
Kind of halfway between a hip-hop hand gesture and the Girl Guide salute
Anyway
BRIDGET
And one more thing.
CHLOE
What?
BRIDGET
Do you drink a lot of water?
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Then that means you’re putting on cellulite. Men don’t like women who put on cellulite. Careful, dear.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
A young woman your age who doesn’t exercise—because you don’t seem like someone who exercises—a young woman your age—
CHLOE
I leave her office
VII
CHLOE
I go home
Rush into the bathroom
Hyperventilating
Splash water on my face
Look at myself in the mirror
Idiot
I go into the kitchen
I read and reread the contract that I signed
Like a
Like a
I go back into the bathroom
Look at myself in the mirror
Idiot
I knock back two glasses of water
While peering at the back of my thighs
Son of a bitch
I go meet a friend
Catherine
For coffee
I say nothing about any of this
I’ll spare you the details of our conversation
It’s the usual
Who she’s sleeping with
Who I’m not sleeping with
And at the end
“Love you so much, girl”
I go back home
The next day
I sort of forget
I go to work
Every week
I get a pack of razors in my mailbox
The day of my next appointment with Bridget is coming up
I’ve got nobody
No goddamn stupid bullshit life partner
Anyway
I’m not going to her stupid appointment
In the night
I catch myself hoping she introduces me to a man
And in my dreams
He’s hot
And nice
And so madly in love
But at the same time independent
He likes to do his thing and I do mine
We love going for walks in the park and watching the birds
But every morning
I decide I’m not going to the next appointment
God
A month has gone by
Now
In a fraction of a second
It’s colder outside
I’m wearing a fall coat
Red
With a scarf
I am not gonna go meet Bridget
No
I won’t go
I walk
Down the street
Everyone’s holding each other’s
Hand
Waist
I walk
I won’t go
Then just like that
Bam, right in front of me, chump that I am
Is the door of the building
I go up to the office of Bridget Castonguay
I’m in the elevator
You’re in here with me
Maybe
You’d like to be the man
Who gets in and makes love to me
Between floors
VIII
CHLOE
Bridget is sitting at her desk
Her high heels tapping the floor impatiently
I go in
BRIDGET
Chloe! How are you? You seem well. Really very, very well. You look good. Fabulous! Super. Super well. I’m glad.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
So glad.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
Nice, healthy, rosy cheeks.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
I’m very, very glad to see you.
CHLOE
. . .
BRIDGET
I’ll take that as a “me too.”
CHLOE
Sure.
BRIDGET
Sit down.
CHLOE
I stay standing
BRIDGET
Sit down.
CHLOE
I stay standing
BRIDGET
Okay.
CHLOE
I look out the window
BRIDGET
You all right?
CHLOE
I stay standing
I tried everything.
BRIDGET
Sit down.
CHLOE
And . . . nothing.
I sit down
Her smile
The bitch
BRIDGET
Here.
CHLOE
She offers me a cup of coffee
Which I drink
Her smile
The bitch
I went to parties. All kinds. Singles. Couples. Smart guys. Dumb guys. Fat ones. Skinny ones. What’s wrong with me? Eh? Don’t I deserve someone to take care of me when I have the flu?
BRIDGET
You had the flu? That’s not good. No. That’s no good at all.
CHLOE
I didn’t have the flu.
BRIDGET
Make up your mind!
CHLOE
She bangs on the table
It’s a metaphor.