How did we choose her? Well, we didn’t really. Like greatness, it was thrust upon her. The dubious honor of bringing us all together through our fear of departure.
Because beneath our party spirit, there’s an edge. One thing’s not arranged: her ticket home.
She stands at the gate to board the plane and we strain, from our distance at the end of the wide open hall behind the electronic surveillance gate, to see her face. She turns to wave goodbye to all of us and I have a flash of vision: I recognize this as a photograph we will show each other in the future when we remember her. I expect to hear a camera click, but I don’t. Everything is quiet. None of us even breathes. She turns to walk into the collapsible corridor that leads to the plane when I notice she’s the only person boarding the flight. It’s then, and only then, I realize she’s actually leaving. She throws her shoulders back with confidence. Her golden hair swings with her gait. When I hear something, it is the sound of her skirt rustling in air.
After we return home, only the bravest of us will allow her self to think we might not get postcards from her. We were so conscientious to give her all our addresses. Someone even gave her a telephone calling card. However, not even the bravest of us will admit what we think is true.
In the first few weeks she is gone, we tell ourselves she’s too excited and busy to get in touch. She’s having fun, we tell ourselves. We elaborate beautiful fantasies of the sunny streets she walks through, the sculpted gardens she spends her afternoons in, the exquisite dishes she dines on every warm exotic evening. We people her life with people we want to love us. Every dream we have we give to her. Some of us even envy her, so convinced we are that she has what we want.
But in fact, we hear nothing from her at all.
Gradually, we all think the same thing about her. We deal with this nobly, or rather, we deal with it with manners. It is one of the great, sad, tragic things that make us who we are. Our references to her grow vague, then disappear. We manage this transition without a word. But at home, alone, we each work hard at our forgetting. Here’s what we forget:
We forget her hair. We forget the way it shone in the sun on the beach where we played in the summer. We forget the way she wore anklets and made us all laugh at her imitation of cartoon characters from our youth. We forget her milk-white complexion and the soft strong veins in her hands. We forget the dusty line of fuzz that covered the small of her back. We forget her small breasts inside her swimsuit. We forget the way her calves tightened when she crouched at the start of the city parks race. We forget the stories she told of her zany brother in the farm country. We forget the colored strips of cellophane she decorated her bedroom windows with so we could see the light make rainbows in the morning. We forget the warmth of her palms, the moisture of her hairline when she came home from a run. We forget the secret places she knew of when we were bored and couldn’t think of anything to do. We forget the way she ordered sweet and sour pork and always, always, picked out the pork and only ate the sauce and vegetables. We forget the way she pushed back her hair from her forehead when she was trying to make a point. We forget her favorite song from her childhood. We forget the favorite shells she had collected from the northern shore when she went there with her family when she was eleven. We forget her annoying habit of never putting the toothpaste cap back on all the way and being obsessive about dust in her study. We forget her inability to compromise when her favorite program was on at the same time as a great movie. We forget the way she covered her mouth whenever she told a story she liked too much.
We forget in order to be happy.
That is why her lover, who forgets most of all of us, is happiest. She forgets things we never knew that, even if she wanted to, she couldn’t tell us.
When most of the forgetting is done, something happens.
I get a call from her lover.
“I heard from her,” she tells me. “She called me.”
I can’t say, “But that’s impossible” without implying what we all think but don’t say. Instead I say, “Oh, we’ll have to hear about it.”
I call several of us and say, “Her lover told me she heard from her. She thinks she got a phone call.”
We agree it’s a wrong number, a similar voice, even a cruel joke. We agree we don’t need to do anything. Soon, we reason, her lover will forget the phone call.
But she calls me again. “I got another phone call from her. She says she’s doing fine, but she misses us.”
I call a meeting.
“She hasn’t forgotten the phone call,” I say. “She says she’s had another one.”
“How do we know she didn’t get a call?” someone asks.
We all turn. “That’s impossible. It’s imagination, just something she wants.”
We decide to do something.
But we don’t act fast enough. Her lover shows us a postcard she says she sent which says that she’ll be home. The handwriting is faint and shaky. We must help our poor foolish sister through her grief by exposing her fantasy for what it is. So we pretend to agree with her in her expectation when she goes to the airport to meet the return flight. We all know she will not come back. We are not surprised when she does not arrive at the airport. But our poor, foolish sister is insistent. “She missed the flight,” she tells us. “She’ll be here.” We go again. Again she isn’t there. Again she says she missed the flight but will come back. We go again. Soon we go there all the time, forgetting we’re only there to keep our poor sister company. Instead, we start thinking like her; we think she will return.
We show ourselves in huge numbers at the airport. We tell ourselves there’s power in numbers. Even though we know we simply haven’t got any power when it comes to this. We start re-enacting the past, hoping our re-creating can undo it. Over and over we re-live her final days with us, her departing flight. We stand where we were, we shout as we did. We try to do what we hadn’t done then. The truth is, we never wanted her to go. We were afraid.
The past comes back to us, vivid as blood, how we tried to soothe ourselves with final comforts. But all we did was give her guide books and feed her her favorite home-cooked meal the night before she left, throw her a farewell party. We vowed undying love and meant it, but learned that what we needed was forgetfulness, the only release from sorrow there is. And even now there is nothing we can do about our grief.
We stayed with her in vigils before she left. We told her we’d change places with her if we could; we couldn’t. All our good intentions profited neither us nor her anything. All we could do was pretend — while she was with us — that she was coming back.
That’s why we go to the airport in our party clothes. Why we sing Welcome Home as we remember pushing her toward her flight, why the cake we decorated says, “Welcome Back,” why we refuse to sublet her room, why we refuse to offer help to her lover because we don’t want to imply that she needs help, why we’ve left the bon voyage decorations up, the pink and yellow streamers, the cheery opaque balloons on the ceiling, the color-coordinated plastic forks and spoons, why we laugh and tell ourselves we’re so clever to recycle them into Welcome Home.
We wander from gate to gate all the time. We stand and watch as flights deplane and people kiss their loved ones home. We mill around wearing our party hats and blowing our party favors. We offer punch and cookies to reunited couples, families, friends. “Welcome Home! Welcome Home!” we cry, knowing the next flight will bring her back to us.
With our practiced songs and our party clothes, we make people happy. Especially her lover, because she is the most beautiful. She drapes her tan healthy body with light spring clothes, her arms and legs firm like a gorgeous young animal. In her bright green and blue and yellow silks, she smiles gracefully, but with the expectation of a confident child. Her longing for her lover’s return, her nostalgia for every warm inch of her lover’s flesh, is so strong we are almost afraid to be near her. She is flushed with the beauty of things about to happen. Her full, just parted lips, ar
e ready.
We are sure she cannot have left us, sure she’ll be back, sure she’ll return even stronger and more beautiful than when she left. She will have braved something marvelous and strange. We are sure she’ll enter with a flourish and tell us we were wrong to have remembered and forgotten what we did, to have ever stopped believing she’d come back.
But tonight, that’s almost all I know, that I have stopped believing. It’s not something anyone notices; my party hat is still on straight and my full lace skirt is crisp as starch. But I am singing our happy Welcome Home with only part of me. I imagine the sagging points of party hats, damp limp paper horns, ice cream turning to foamy puddles on paper plates, crumbs of lemon layer cake ground into the cracks between the linoleum tiles. Maybe the flush is weariness, not excitement.
In fact, I think I never believed that she’d come back. But I knew I needed something. I wanted to find it in all of us. I was warmed by our costumes and camraderie, our routines of ritual comfort. And, truly, I love the songs we sing together and the sweet look on people’s faces at the airport when we give them cake and tell them about our friend.
But I didn’t do these things because I thought she would return. I did them for us. And I did them in case, somehow, she could know. I did them to tell her that I would remember her. I did them to tell her goodbye.
The last memory I have of you, you’re falling. Alone in the airplane corridor, you stumble. Your thin shoulders are hunched as though you’re being pushed down. You can’t bear to turn and look at us on your way out because you know what we’ll see in your hopeless face.
The sound is your final gasp of air before you could tell us goodbye.
CITY LIGHTS PUBLICATIONS
Allen, Roberta. AMAZON DREAM
Angulo de, Jaime. INDIANS IN OVERALLS
Angulo de, G. & J. JAIME IN TAOS
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Bataille, Georges. EROTISM: Death and Sensuality
Bataille, Georges. THE IMPOSSIBLE
Bataille, Georges. STORY OF THE EYE
Bataille, Georges. THE TEARS OF EROS
Baudelaire, Charles. INTIMATE JOURNALS
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Bowles, Paul. A HUNDRED CAMELS IN THE COURTYARD
Broughton, James. MAKING LIGHT OF IT
Brown, Rebecca. ANNIE OAKLEY’S GIRL
Brown, Rebecca. THE TERRIBLE GIRLS
Bukowski, Charles. THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN TOWN
Bukowski, Charles. NOTES OF A DIRTY OLD MAN
Bukowski, Charles. TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS
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Corso, Gregory. GASOLINE
Daumal, René. THE POWERS OF THE WORD
David-Neel, Alexandra. SECRET ORAL TEACHINGS IN TIBETAN BUDDHIST SECTS
Deleuze, Gilles. SPINOZA: Practical Philosophy
Dick, Leslie. WITHOUT FALLING
di Prima, Diane. PIECES OF A SONG: Selected Poems
Doolittle, Hilda (H.D.) NOTES ON THOUGHT & VISION
Ducornet, Rikki. ENTERING FIRE
Duras, Marguerite. DURAS BY DURAS
Eidus, Janice. VITO LOVES GERALDINE
Eberhardt, Isabelle. THE OBLIVION SEEKERS
Fenollosa, Ernest. CHINESE WRITTEN CHARACTER AS A MEDIUM FOR POETRY
Ferlinghetti, Lawrence. PICTURES OF THE GONE WORLD
Ferlinghetti, Lawrence. SEVEN DAYS IN NICARAGUA LIBRE
Finley, Karen. SHOCK TREATMENT
Ford, Charles Henri. OUT OF THE LABYRINTH: Selected Poems
Franzen, Cola, transl. POEMS OF ARAB ANDALUSIA
García Lorca, Federico. BARBAROUS NIGHTS: Legends & Plays
García Lorca, Federico. ODE TO WALT WHITMAN & OTHER POEMS
García Lorca, Federico. POEM OF THE DEEP SONG
Gil de Biedma, Jaime. LONGING: SELECTED POEMS
Ginsberg, Allen. HOWL & OTHER POEMS
Ginsberg, Allen. KADDISH & OTHER POEMS
Ginsberg, Allen. REALITY SANDWICHES
Ginsberg, Allen. PLANET NEWS
Ginsberg, Allen. THE FALL OF AMERICA
Ginsberg, Allen. MIND BREATHS
Ginsberg, Allen. PLUTONIAN ODE
Goethe, J. W. von. TALES FOR TRANSFORMATION
Hayton-Keeva, Sally, ed. VALIANT WOMEN IN WAR AND EXILE
Herron, Don. THE DASHIELL HAMMETT TOUR: A Guidebook
Herron, Don. THE LITERARY WORLD OF SAN FRANCISCO
Higman, Perry, tr. LOVE POEMS FROM SPAIN AND SPANISH AMERICA
Jaffe, Harold. EROS: ANTI-EROS
Jenkins, Edith. AGAINST A FIELD SINISTER
Kerouac, Jack. BOOK OF DREAMS
Kerouac, Jack. POMES ALL SIZES
Kerouac, Jack. SCATTERED POEMS
Lacarrière, Jacques. THE GNOSTICS
La Duke, Betty. COMPANERAS
La Loca. ADVENTURES ON THE ISLE OF ADOLESCENCE
Lamantia, Philip. MEADOWLARK WEST
Lamantia, Philip. BECOMING VISIBLE
Laughlin, James. SELECTED POEMS: 1935-1985
Le Brun, Annie. SADE: On the Brink of the Abyss
Lowry, Malcolm. SELECTED POEMS
Mackey, Nathaniel. SCHOOL OF UDHRA
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Masereel, Frans. PASSIONATE JOURNEY
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Mrabet, Mohammed. M’HASHISH
Murguía, A. & B. Paschke, eds. VOLCAN: Poems from Central America
Murillo, Rosario. ANGEL IN THE DELUGE
Paschke, B. & D. Volpendesta, eds. CLAMOR OF INNOCENCE
Pasolini, Pier Paolo. ROMAN POEMS
Pessoa, Fernando. ALWAYS ASTONISHED
Peters, Nancy J., ed. WAR AFTER WAR (City Lights Review #5)
Poe, Edgar Allan. THE UNKNOWN POE
Porta, Antonio. KISSES FROM ANOTHER DREAM
Prévert, Jacques. PAROLES
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Purdy, James. IN A SHALLOW GRAVE
Purdy, James. GARMENTS THE LIVING WEAR
Rachlin, Nahid. MARRIED TO A STRANGER
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Rey Rosa, Rodrigo. DUST ON HER TONGUE
Rigaud, Milo. SECRETS OF VOODOO
Ruy Sánchez, Alberto. MOGADOR
Saadawi El, Nawal. MEMOIRS OF A WOMAN DOCTOR
Sawyer-Lauçanno, Christopher, tr. THE DESTRUCTION OF THE JAGUAR
Sclauzero, Mariarosa. MARLENE
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Shepard, Sam. FOOL FOR LOVE & THE SAD LAMENT OF PECOS BILL
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Solnit, Rebecca. SECRET EXHIBITION: Six California Artists
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Valaoritis, Nanos. MY AFTERLIFE GUARANTEED
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