I don’t tell Mum this, though. I’ll work out a plan on my own when I’m ready. This is New Millie. I’m a mixture of “I don’t care” but “I do care,” and I’m giving myself time to work out what I REALLY want.
This is why I can’t tell Mum. New Millie currently makes no sense, but she will after a good night’s sleep and a takeout meal. There is no WAY we are cooking anything. I think Mum would get toast delivered today.
#Home
As we pull into the drive, Lauren is waiting for us at the front door. She flings herself at me as I get out of the car and starts to talk.
“Millie! Are you okay?! Are you all right? Are you okay, Mum? I mean, Millie’s mum. I’ve been doing loads of research, and stroke victims really benefit from gentle brain activity. Oh, I told you that, didn’t I? Anyway, the point is—”
Lauren forgets what her own point is. Then remembers.
“The point is THIS!”
Lauren unfurls a giant poster with a huge grin.
“THIS! This is—”
At this point, Mum interrupts her. “Lauren darling, is there any possibility we can actually get inside the house? If I don’t have a cup of coffee soon, we’ll need to call another ambulance.”
Lauren looks at her feet. “Sorry, hospitals make me nervous. Even the thought of them.”
I give Lauren a huge hug and we go inside. Mum torpedoes toward the kettle and Lauren and I head to the bedroom. Lauren is overexcited. She is flapping her hands about with her poster and it catches me in the eye. She doesn’t notice, and I don’t say anything as I know she’s just being Lauren and trying to make me feel better.
“So, Millie, this is IT. This is how we get your pops back on track. This is … THE PERIODIC TABLE!”
Lauren unfurls her poster and points at random chemical elements. “We make your granddad learn a chemical element thing every day. We start simple! Ca for Calcium. Ra for Radium. And then we get harder and harder till we get to stuff that I can’t even pronounce. Like, Ye … Ye…”
Lauren gives up. It says “Yttrium.” I can’t help her. I just nod. Lauren carries on with her speech.
“And other really hard ones like Pr, Praseodymium! I googled that one and just said it perfectly. THIS, Millie, is the perfect rehabilitation. Why are you giggling, and why are you holding your face?”
I’m holding my face because the periodic table attacked my eyeball, but I keep quiet on this front.
“Sorry, Lauren,” I say. “It’s a great idea. I think I’m just laughing with relief and possibly hysterical tiredness. It’s all been a bit manic, hasn’t it?”
Lauren nods. “Yep! Your life has been like gymnastics on a roller coaster.”
I sigh. “That’s why I basically just told Lydia Portancia to get lost.”
Lauren goes very quiet. I think she must be in shock. Her silence worries me, so I try to reassure her.
“It’s not that bad, Lauren. There are other people who can help me. Do I even need people like her, anyway?”
Lauren looks up. “Sorry, Millie, I was just thinking if it’s even possible to do a somersault on a ride at Six Flags, and I’ve decided it’s definitely not unless you want to die.”
Planet Lauren means I have to repeat my news.
“I’ve sent a bit of an abrupt e-mail to Lydia Portancia.”
“Oh, GOOD!” Lauren shouts. “You went viral without her. Yes, she set up the Canada thing, but I bet your mum could have done that! And she wouldn’t take a percentage off you either. It would all go to college. Or clothes.”
Lauren winks at me. This has made me feel a lot better. Not the possibility of an increased wardrobe budget, but the fact that Lauren thinks that—
At this point my phone dings. It’s an e-mail from Lydia.
Hello Millie,
If there’s anything I can do to help, please, PLEASE get in touch.
Lydia xxxxxxx
Lauren makes her smug face. “Two pleases and SEVEN kisses. Who needs who, Millie?! That’s what you have to ask yourself. Treat them mean and keep them keen.”
“You totally got that off MUM, Lauren. That’s what she says about how you should treat boys.”
Lauren does a proud, wiggly walk all over the bedroom. “It works in many situations, my friend, as I have just proved!”
The way Lauren was talking, you would think SHE had written the e-mail in the first place. I go to make this point when I hear the doorbell. Lauren gets to the window first.
She pulls her “I’ve got some scandalous gossip” face and whispers as loud as a shout, “IT’S BRADLEY AND HIS DOG!!”
I try to act cool.
“So?” I actually DO whisper, “He’s JUST a friend.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Lauren says with a laugh. “You keep telling yourself that. Anyway, I’m going to help your mum make instant coffee.”
Lauren does a mad cackle and leaves my bedroom just as Bradley is coming up the stairs. Mum has already let him in. As Lauren passes him, she says, “Hi, Bradley! Hi, Dog!”
Lauren is not good with names sometimes. Bradley does not even acknowledge her. He won’t be happy that Huevos has just been referred to as “Dog.” I see him grimacing, but then, as soon as he sees me, this stops.
“Hello, Millie,” he says, smiling. “I’ve brought you something.”
#AllTheLovelyCarbs
“I got you a sandwich,” he says quietly. “You can forget to eat at times like this. Is your granddad okay?”
“Yeah,” I reply. “He’s going to be all right, I think. We’ve got to look after him and get him back to normal. He already wants me to bring his book of flags. Lauren has come up with a comprehensive trivia plan. That sort of thing.”
Bradley stares at me. “Perhaps she could start her trivia plans with the names of pets.”
This makes me laugh. It’s typical Bradley dryness, but this time things feel a bit different. It’s the first time we’ve been together in a while. I think we might have moved on emotionally without even seeing each other. I know that potentially makes me sound crazy, but that’s what it’s like.
There’s a big pause after I stop giggling, though. A big fat pause. I say the first thing that comes into my head.
“What’s in the sandwich?”
Bradley lifts it up to his face as if to remind himself.
“Er. Cheese. Mayo. I think I put a bit of sundried tomato in it just for a change.”
I still can’t think of anything too clever, so the engine in my brain goes into spoon gear and some nonsense coughs out of my mouth.
“I’m glad you didn’t put onion in it, because of, you know, the breath thing.”
I’m really floundering now.
“You know, when I was going to see Lydia Portancia for the first time I had onion breath, and meeting new people is hard with bad breath, isn’t it? You can’t speak to them or kiss them or…”
Bradley is starting to shuffle about nervously. Huevos has given up completely and has gone to sleep in his arms. I find sleeping things quite calming, and all of a sudden the sensible part of my mind kicks in.
“Bradley. Would you like to go to the movies sometime this week?”
Bradley grins and Huevos opens one eye. It’s like he’s a canine psychic.
“It depends,” Bradley replies. “I can do superheroes, but which one is crucial. I think most scary things are ridiculous, and—”
I interrupt him. There’s been too much of this. “Bradley. Would you like to go to the movies this week?”
“Yes!” he mumbles in a good way.
My feminist powerhouse takes control.
“There’s just something I want to do. Can you go downstairs and wait?”
Bradley shrugs. “Yep. Got nothing better to do. I’ll google what’s on at the movies.”
Huevos growls. “No, you can’t come,” Bradley tells him. “Not after last time.”
Eve
n though I desperately want to know what happens when you take a Staffordshire-Chihuahua cross to a movie, I have something more important to do.
#Symbiosis
I walk downstairs with Bradley and find Mum in the kitchen. She’s drinking a very large coffee and Lauren is explaining the periodic table to her. Mum knows every chemical element ever—even the unpronounceable ones. However, because Mum is a big believer in building female ego and self-confidence, she is letting Lauren talk. And talk.
I can see Mum wants to escape, and I want to borrow her skills. This is a perfect time for some social symbiosis. I learned it in science. It’s when two things can benefit each other. Or something. I get Mum away from Lauren and she helps me with my next plan.
“Lauren, I just need to borrow Mum. Perhaps you can…”
Lauren spots Huevos and interrupts. “Give that a walk!”
Bradley snarls like a very unfriendly dog and says, “His name is Huevos!”
“Yes, Bradley,” Lauren says quizzically. “Why did you name a dog after a food? Doesn’t he get confused? I mean, you wouldn’t call a dog ‘Sausage.’ Or perhaps you would. You do get…”
While Lauren is talking at Bradley, I give Mum the sign for “Can I see you in my room, please?” and point to the ceiling. She knows. It’s a mother and daughter thing.
As we are climbing the stairs, I tell Mum my idea. She nods cautiously but smiles. This idea is a bit of a good one.
No, Millie. Own it. This idea IS a good one. That’s not my mum talking. That’s me.
#Mvlog
Mum and I sit in my favorite vlog spot and I press RECORD.
Hello! It’s Millie.
And I’m Hashtag Help Millie’s Mum! That is a title that I am allowing for the purposes of this vlog. Normally it’s Ms., or my real name.
Thank you for the reaction to the thing my mum did. My boyfriend and I have split up and I was gutted, BUT since then a lot of stuff has happened. My granddad has had a stroke. He’s fine, but it’s made me think about what REALLY matters, and that’s—
There’s a burst of fur from the left. Dave tackles the phone and everything stops.
Mum and I start giggling. We can’t control ourselves. Dave stares at us like we are human maniacs who she is the boss of.
Basically, it’s fantastic. It sums me up. Family. Cats. Chaos. That is ME.
And I think I’m going to upload it just like that and let everyone else decide what they think is important to them.
Acknowledgments
Thanks to all the usual suspects but particularly Jo-Anne & Michael Green. Jo—there’s hot water at my house for you forever.
About the Author
Rae Earl was born in Stamford, Lincolnshire, in England. After graduating from Hull University, she did every job in a radio station except “accountant.” Rae has written articles for The Guardian, Marie Claire, and Elle, and she has been featured in The Telegraph and The Times, among others. She has also appeared on BBC Breakfast TV, BBC World Service, and countless local radio stations. Her books include My Mad Fat Diary, My Madder Fatter Diary, My Life Uploaded, and Your Brain Needs a Hug. My Mad Fat Diary and My Madder Fatter have been made into a TV show that is shown in over fifty countries worldwide. She currently lives in Hobart, Tasmania, with her husband and son. You can sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Feline Fash
lifefacts
Wear A Tree
Call Teresa
How to Eat as a Human
Insects
Shoe Goals
I Read the Comments
School Legend
Brand New Erin
My Mouth
Brad
Just the Way you are
Stay You
Meeting
Lydia Portancia
How did It go?
Desert-ion
Letting People Go
Frenemies
Bathroom Negotiations
Bradley Break
Bears
Drama
Bear Fail
Erin Style
Fool
Collaborator
Link
Mayhem
Instasham
Lesson
Men!
Nothing Firm
Roaming
Good-Bye Dad
Duffel
Huevos
PackUp
Long Distance Vlog
No Way
Bats
Seeds
Farewell Fortnight
Transport Guru
Dynamic Duo
Huevos Reaction
Surprise
Danny Chat
Hot Mess
NOWAY
Gourmet Snack
Biscuits
Truth and Lies
Honesty
Teresa NO
Oasis
Vlog
Discoveries
First Aid
Lumber jack
Trip
No Dave?
Plane Anxiety
Oh Canada
Tower
Falls
Ruin My Prawn
Cool Mum
Danny
Crying
Blur
Help Hijack
Fury
A and E
FINE
Home
All the Lovely Carbs
Symbiosis
Mvlog
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
Copyright © 2020 by Rae Earl
Imprint
A part of Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC
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All rights reserved.
Don’t illegally download this book
If you do, this is my curse
You’ll find big spiders in your sink
And holes in your purse
Cents and dollars will tumble out
Without you being aware,
There’ll be flies landing in your coffee
And bubble gum in your hair.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
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Book design by Ellen Duda and Carolyn Bull
Imprint logo designed by Amanda Spielman
First hardcover edition, 2020
eBook edition, April 2020
eISBN 9781250133816