So, when did I become so hardened, allowing me to do the things I did last night and over the past few months.
I had to go back quite a few years.
I got out of the drug business intact. For the next seven years I was an artist (Margie liked to call me that). After her death, I got into cocaine, a drug that carries a lot of bad karma. To do as much as I was doing you either have to be rich or deal. I wasn’t rich. But since my customers were my friends in the music business, there was no reason for guns. It was a passive affair.
For me, drugs and alcohol were just a slow suicide. I once tried the faster approach, but was stopped by the amnesiac effect of Halcyon and alcohol. I woke up in the morning with a cocked 38 Special snub nose in my mouth.
Then Emmett was born and I decided to live. I left the drugs behind and never had the urge to do them again. Emmett assuredly saved my life in that regard.
Even after I started Tucker Security, nothing truly dangerous ever came up. Was that perception also a derivative of my hardening?
Then a couple of months ago, I was in a shootout. I killed two men. I stood in front of Bench and was almost killed myself. Was I being brave? Or was it, that I just didn’t care?
I can’t fool myself. I’m still pretending. I’m still a coward. A coward of the worst ilk. I’m not afraid of being hurt or killed, because I really don’t give a shit about that. It’s pride. I’m afraid to lose, at anything. My loss of pride would slowly consume me.
I’ve always known that killing myself wouldn’t work. If I did, the powers that be wouldn’t let me see her. But if I died protecting someone, then for sure we would be together up there, over there, wherever there is.
I’m really not needed by my family anymore. I have enough insurance that Emmett would be okay, and like I said before, his biscuits are done. I know they’d grieve my passing. But if that happened, then that’s their life’s process, they’d get over it. It’s not like losing your best friend, lover and wife.
Was I being selfish?
I remembered how after the wreck, I could cry over a Hallmark commercial. My empathy and sympathy would meld with compassion and often left me a wretch.
After years of reading and therapy, I came to view the tragedies of human life as each person’s Divine process. Everything is as it’s supposed to be. I had to come to this conclusion. It was the only way I could deal the hands I’ve been delt.
With every murder, rape or tragic accident, a debt is being paid and hopefully a lesson learned, not to be repeated.
The events of 9/11 affected me more than I would have thought. My brain was telling me one thing, my heart another.
My rationale was, that the grief all the survivors of the victims were going through, was strong in the collective consciousness. It bled out onto those who could feel it. I wasn’t alone.
In short time, I came to view the survivor’s grief process in the same way as I viewed the deaths of their loved ones . . . EIDO. Everything Is In Divine Order.
Hopefully, anyone surviving me would one day come to that same conclusion.
I never saw it coming. This twenty year commemoration of Margie’s death has been the most retrospective and arduous of all. I literally had memories hurled at me at light speed. Memories of violence, shame, guilt, and pain. And memories of love. Some I’ve tried my best to let go of. Some I may never be able to let go of. And others I shouldn’t let go of. I’ve never felt this lost. Even in the swamp.
All my post relationships had failed. Was I afraid to love like that again? Afraid it would be taken away and I would have go through it all over again? Did I really want to know the answers?
As I laid with my hand on Tuesday, I thought, where does that leave me? I’m middle-aged, alone, and not at all sure the process of life has much appeal for me.
Then I remembered how much I liked to travel. I like the weightlessness of a road trip. And…money’s good.
Tomorrow I’m driving to Houston, and hopefully I will be able to help a man get on with his process of grieving, so he can heal. I hope he’s better at it than I was.
What if I did find out his wife was murdered and who murdered her? What would I do? What am I doing? I knew better than to make plans. I try not to be the constant source of God’s amusement.
But I couldn’t help feeling like a warrior about to take his first step on a spiritual journey.
Me, a spiritual warrior, I found that somewhat humorous and somehow . . . appealing.
EIDO.
Lyrics
Unconditionally
1) I remember working hard
Staying out late at night
You always greeted with a smile
In the dawns early light
2) You knew I was always true to you
No matter how it seemed
And you were always true to me
While I was chasing my dream
(Chorus)
Oh how you loved me
So unconditionally
Oh how you loved me
Unconditionally
3) Now that I’m all alone
Taking good care of myself
I know I owe it all to you
Couldn’t have done it by myself
4) You showed me I was a good man
And how you believed in me
You helped make me strong
And you taught me how to see
(Chorus)
(Bridge)
Even though he took you away
For the gift of knowing you
And how you never gave up on me
And how you loved me
So unconditionally
Oh how you loved me
So unconditionally
Cowboys and Engines
1) I played cowboys and engines
When I was a kid
But not the same way
As ole Gene and Roy did
2) Now I’m ridn’ my horses
And it feels so good
Two in the trailer
300 more under the hood
(Chorus)
So it’s
Cowboys and engines
On the open highway
Cowboys and engines
All American made
3) Them ole boys out west
Are drivin’ their herds
And riding their fences
In whirlybirds
4) They got a chuck wagon
With fuel injection
Big monster tires
And positive traction
(Chorus)
(Bridge}
On motorcycles and four-wheel drives
All those cowboys keepin’ this country alive
Guitar ride
5) The king had his Harley’s in Memphis
And he loved to ride
Now singers in Nashville
Ride with him by their side
6) Now I’m a motorcycle country boy
And I love to roam
Ridin’ high in the saddle
On thunder and chrome
Chorus repeat
I’m Leaving You For Me
1) Someone’s treated you bad baby
That’s just old news
Why you making’ me pay
Someone else’s dues
2) Mama always said take care of number one
But I look in the mirror
Between a rock and a hard place
{1st Chorus}
I’ve been trying to tell you
I’ve been trying all night
And just about now
Is just about right
I’m leaving you for me
I’m not leaving you
For just anybody
I’m leaving you for me
{Bridge}
I’ve bent over backwards
I’ve tried all I can try
And I’m telling’ you baby
I’
ve just said my last goodbye
{2nd Chorus}
I’m leaving you for me
And I want you to see
I’m not leaving for just anybody
I’m leaving you for me
3) I have no choice
I would be a lie
To say I don’t care
But my hearts already said goodbye
Repeat 1st chorus
Acknowledgements
To Carol Crosslin who had the misfortune to read my first draft. Thank you Carol for your guidance and taking the time to make me a better writer.
To Debbie Starrett for believing in Tucker and me, and for being the remarkable woman you are.
To Emmett Barton…son, editor, designer, writer, adventurer…just to name a few.
To Carter and Nan Andrews, Steve Prati, David “Doc” Zinsser, Dr. Leah Marcus, [Professor of English Literature, Vanderbilt University], Sidney Lohan, Betsy Miles, Nancy Belser, Trish Warren, Cathy Nakos and Melissa Messer, for their efforts and being fans of Tucker.
To Brad Spain for his permission to use his name and likeness.
To Aaron, Sandie, and Brandon McFeely for allowing me to use their names.
To John Rivers Bicknell for writing beautiful music for my words.
To Tim and Mary Schoetlle for the rekindling.
To Tony Bellioni, gunsmith extraordinaire, who built Tucker’s .45.
To my brother Ken… for being there when it counted.
To Roger, Shannon, Max and Little Margie for being the best.
If there is anyone I missed, be sure to let me know and I will catch you on the flip side.
About the Author
R.O. Barton lives in Middle Tennessee with his beagle Angel and his hawk-headed parrot Hank, a force to be reckoned with.
Table of Contents
Book One “ELEVEN”
Prologue
Chapter 1 Nashville, TN-two months ago, to the day
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8 Nashville, TN-December 11th Present Day
Chapter 9 Nashville, TN, December 11th, Present Day
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12 Nashville, TN-December 11th, Present Day
Chapter 13 Nashville, TN-December 11th, Present Day
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17 Lyles, TN December 11th Present Day
Chapter 18
Chapter 19 Nashville, Carr’s Mansion- December 11th, Present Day
Chapter 20 Lyles, TN-December 12th, Present Day
Chapter 21 Lyles, TN December 12th, Present Day
Chapter 22 Present Day, 1: 00 p.m.
Chapter 23
Book Two “BAGGAGE CARS”
Chapter 24 Alexandria, La.- 1965
Chapter 25 Nashville, Carr’s Mansion, 1: 45 PM
Chapter 26 Shreveport, La., Spring- 1971
Chapter 27 About a week later
Chapter 28 Nashville, Carr Mansion-2: 55 PM
Chapter 29 Shreveport, La.- 1972
Chapter 30 Nashville, Carr’s Mansion-3: 30 PM
Chapter 31 Shreveport, La. 1972
Chapter 32 A few days later
Chapter 33 Almost to Mexico
Chapter 34 Nashville-Carr’s Mansion-5: 00 PM
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41 George Carr’s Mansion, Present Day
Book Three “THE CHAT”
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Chapter 45
Chapter 46
Chapter 47
Chapter 48
Chapter 49
Lyrics
Acknowledgements
About the Author