CYLINDRUS
Do you deny it?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Upon my honor,, I decidedly do deny it.
CYLINDRUS
Don’t you live in that house? Pointing to the house of MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
May the Gods send to perdition those that live there.
CYLINDRUS
Surely, this fellow’s mad, who is thus uttering curses against his own self. Do you hear, Menaechmus?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
What do you want?
CYLINDRUS
If you take my advice, that didrachm, which you just now promised to give me — you would order, if you were wise, a pig to be procured with it for yourself. For, i’ faith, you really for sure are not in your senses, Menaechmus, who are now uttering curses against your own self.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Alas! By my faith, a very silly fellow, and an annoyance to me.
CYLINDRUS
to MESSENIO . He’s in the habit of often joking with me in this fashion. How very droll he is, when his wife isn’t present. How say you —— ?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
What do you mean, you rascal?
CYLINDRUS
pointing to the basket . Has this that you see been provided in sufficient quantity for three persons, or am I to provide still more for yourself and the Parasite and the lady?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
What ladies — what Parasites are you talking about?
MESSENIO
What, you villain, urges you to be an annoyance to him?
CYLINDRUS
Pray what business have you with me? I don’t know you; I’m talking to this person, whom I do know.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
By my troth, you are not a person in his right senses, that I know for sure.
CYLINDRUS
I’ll have these things cooked directly; there shall be no delay. Don’t you be going after this anywhere at a distance from the house. Do you want anything?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
You to go to utter and extreme perdition.
CYLINDRUS
I’ faith, ‘twere better for you to go in-doors at once and take your place, while I’m subjecting these things to the strength of the fire. I’ll go in-doors now, and tell Erotium that you are standing here, that she may fetch you away hence, rather than you be standing here out of doors. He goes into the house.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Is he gone then? He is gone. By my faith, I find by experience that your words are not untrue.
MESSENIO
Do you only be on your guard; for I do believe that some woman in the harlot line is living here, as, in fact. this madman said, who has just gone away from here.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
But I wonder how he came to know my name.
MESSENIO
I’ faith, ’tis far from surprising: courtesans have this custom; they send servant-boys and servant-girls down to the harbour; if any foreign ship comes into port, they enquire of what country it is, and what its name is; after that, at once they set themselves to work, and fasten themselves upon him; if they inveigle him, they send him home a ruined man. Now in this harbour there stands a piratical craft, against which I really think that we must be on our guard.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I’ troth, you really counsel aright.
MESSENIO
Then, in fine, shall I be sure that I’ve counselled aright, if you are rightly on your guard.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Be silent for a moment, then; for the door makes a noise. Let’s see who’s coming out from there.
MESSENIO
Meanwhile, I’ll lay this down. He puts down the wallet. Do you keep watch upon these things, if you please, you sailors.
Enter EROTIUM from her house.
EROTIUM
speacking to her SERVANTS within . Leave the door ajar thus; begone. I don’t want it shut: prepare, attend, and provide within; what is requisite, let it be done. Lay down the couches, burn the perfumes; neatness, that is the charm for the minds of lovers. Our agreableness is for the lover’s loss, for our own gain. To herself. But where is he whom the Cook said was in front of the house? O, I see him there — one who is of service to me, and who profits me very much. And right willingly is such usage shown to him, as he deserves to be of especial importance in my house. Now I’ll accost him; I’ll address him of my own accord. To MENAECHMUS. My dear life, it seems wonderful to me that you are standing here out of doors, for whom the door is wide open, more so than your own house, inasmuch as this house is at your service. Everything’s ready as you requested and as you desired; nor have you now any delay in-doors. The breakfast, as you ordered, is prepared here; when you please, you may go and take your place.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
To whom is this woman addressing herself?
EROTIUM
Why, I’m talking to yourself.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
What business have I ever had with you, or have I now?
EROTIUM
Troth, inasmuch as Venus has willed that you singly above all I should exalt; and that not without your deserving it. For, by my faith, you alone make me, by your kindnesses, to be thriving.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
For sure this woman is either mad or drunk, Messemo, that addresses me, a person whom she knows not in so familiar a way.
MESSENIO
Didn’t I say that these things are in the habit of occurring here? The leaves are falling now; in comparison with this, if we shall be here for three days, the trees will be tumbling upon you. For to such a degree are all these Courtesans wheedlers out of one’s money. But only let me address her. Harkye, woman, I’m speaking to you.
EROTIUM
What’s the matter?
MESSENIO
Where have you yourself known this person?
EROTIUM
In that same place where he has known me for this long time, in Epidamnus.
MESSENIO
In Epidamnus? A man who, until this day, has never put a foot here inside of this city.
EROTIUM
Heyday! You are making fun, my dear Menaechmus. But, prithee, why not go in? There, it will be more suitable for you.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I’ faith, this woman really does address me rightly by my name. I wonder very much what’s the meaning of this business.
MESSENIO
aside . That purse that you are carrying has been smelt out by her.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
aside . I’ faith, and rightly have you put me in mind. Take it, then; I’ll know now whether she loves myself or the purse most. Gives him the purse.
EROTIUM
Let’s go in the house to breakfast.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
You invite me kindly; so far, my thanks.
EROTIUM
Why then did you bid me a while since prepare a breakfast for you?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I, bid you prepare?
EROTIUM
Certainly you did, for yourself and your Parasite.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
A plague, what Parasite? Surely this woman isn’t quite right in her senses.
EROTIUM
Peniculus.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Who is this Peniculus The one with which the shoes are wiped clean?
EROTIUM
Him, I mean, who came with you a while ago, when you brought me the mantle which you purloined from your wife.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
What do you mean? I, gave you a mantle, which I purloined from my wife? Are you in your senses? Surely this woman dreams standing, after the manner of a gelding.
EROTIUM
Why does it please you to hold me in ridicule, and to deny to me things that have been done by you?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
&n
bsp; Tell me what it is that I deny after having done it?
EROTIUM
That you to-day gave me your wife’s mantle.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Even still do I deny it. Indeed, I never had a wife, nor have I one; nor have I ever set my foot here within the city gate since I was born. I breakfasted on board ship; thence did I come this way, and here I met you.
EROTIUM
See that now; I’m undone, wretched creature that I am! What ship are you now telling me about?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
A wooden one, weather-beaten full oft, cracked full oft, many a time thumped with mallets. Just as the implements of the furrier; so peg is close to peg.
EROTIUM
Now, prithee, do leave off making fun of me, and step this way with me.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
... for, madam, you are looking for some other person, I know not whom, not me.
EROTIUM
Don’t I know you, Menaechmus, the son of your father Moschus, who are said to have been born in Sicily, at Syracuse, where King Agathocles reigned, and after him Pintia, the third Liparo, who at his death left the kingdom to Hiero — which Hiero is now king?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
You say, madam, what is not untrue.
MESSENIO
By Jupiter, hasn’t this woman come from there, who knows you so readily? ...
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
apart . Troth, I think she must not be denied.
MESSENIO
apart . Don’t you do it. You are undone, if you enter inside her threshold.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
apart . But you only hold your tongue ... The matter goes on well. I shall assent to the woman, whatever she shall say, if I can get some entertainment. Just now, madam speaking to her in a low voice , I contradicted you not undesignedly; I was afraid of that fellow, lest he might carry word to my wife about the mantle and the breakfast. Now, when you please, let’s go in-doors.
EROTIUM
Are you going to wait for the Parasite as well?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I’m neither going to wait for him, nor do I care a straw for him, nor, if he should come, do I want him to be admitted in-doors.
EROTIUM
By my faith, I shall do that not at all reluctantly. But do you know what I beg you to do?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Only command me what you will.
EROTIUM
For you to take that mantle which you gave me just now to the embroiderer’s, that it may be trimmed again, and that some work may be added which I want.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I’ faith, you say what’s right; in such a way shall it be disguised that my wife shan’t know that you are wearing it, if she should see you in the street.
EROTIUM
Then take it away with you just now, when you go away.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
By all means.
EROTIUM
Let’s go in-doors. Goes into her house.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I’ll follow you this instant; I only wish to speak to this person. So, there! Messenio, step to me this way.
MESSENIO
What’s the matter?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Listen.
MESSENIO
What need for it?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
There is need, I know what you’ll say to me ——
MESSENIO
So much the worse.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Hold your tongue ... I’ve got some spoil; thus much of the business have I begun upon. Go, and, as quick as you can, take away those peoples at once to an inn. Then do you take care to come and meet me before sunset.
MESSENIO
Don’t you know that these people are harlots, master?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Hold your tongue, I say, and go you away from here. It will cost me pain, not you, if I do anything here that’s foolish. This woman is silly and inexperienced. So far as I’ve perceived just now, there’s some spoil for us here. He goes into the house of EROTIUM.
MESSENIO
I’m undone. Are you going away then? He is certainly ruined; the piratical craft is now leading the boat straight to destruction. But I’m an unreasonable fellow to wish to rule my master; he bought me to obey his orders, not to be his commander. To the ATTENDANTS. Follow me, that, as I’m ordered, I may come in good time to meet my master.
ACT III.
Enter PENICULUS.
PENICULUS
More than thirty years have I been born yet during that time I never did any more mischievous or more evil trick than this day, when, to my misfortune, I thrust myself into the midst of the assembly. while I was gaping about there, Menaechmus stole away from me, and went, I suppose, to his mistress, and didn’t want to take me. May all the Divinities confound that man who first mischievously devised the holding of an assembly, which keeps men thus engaged. By my troth, is it not fitting that men who are disengaged should be chosen for that purpose? These, when they are cited, if they are not present, let the officers exact the fine forthwith ... the senate ... Abundance of men are there who every day eat their victuals alone, who have no business, who are neither invited nor invite to feast; these ought to give their attendance at the assembly and the law-courts. If so it had been, this say I shouldn’t have lost my breakfast; to which I deemed myself as much accustomed, as to see myself alive. I’ll go; even yet the hope of the scraps comforts my mind. But why do I see Menaechmus here? He’s coming out of doors with a chaplet on? The banquet is removed; i’ faith, I come just in time to meet him. I’ll watch the fellow, what he’s about, then I’ll go and accost him. He steps aside.
Enter MENAECHMUS SOSICLES, from the house of EROTIUM, with the mantle on.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
PENICULUS
apart . He’s carrying the mantle to the embroiderer’s, the breakfast finished and the wine drunk up, and the Parasite shut out of doors. By my troth, I’m not the person that I am, if I don’t handsomely avenge this injury and myself. ’Tis requisite I should watch ... I’ll give something.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
to himself . O ye immortal Gods! on what man ever have you conferred more blessings in one day, who hoped for less? I’ve been breakfasting, drinking, feasting with a mistress; and I’ve carried off this mantle, of which she shall no more be owner after this day.
PENICULUS
Isn’t he now talking about me, and my share of the repast? I can’t well hear what he says.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
to himself . She says that I secretly gave her this, and that I stole it away from my wife. When I perceived that she was mistaken, at once I began to assent, as though I really had had acquaintanceship with her. Whatever the woman said, the same said I. What need of many words? I was never entertained at less expense.
PENICULUS
apart . I’ll accost the fellow; for I quite long to have a row.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Who’s this that’s coming up towards me? Takes off the mantle, and hides it.
PENICULUS
What say you, you fellow lighter than a feather, most rascally and most abandoned — you disgraceful man — you cheat, and most worthless fellow? Why have I deserved this of you? For what reason should you ruin me? How you stole yourself away from me just now at the Forum. You’ve been performing the funeral of the breakfast in my absence. Why did you dare to do so, when I was entitled to it in an equal degree?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Young man, prithee, what business with me have you, who are thus purposely insulting a person whom you know not? Do you wish a punishment to be given you for your abuse?
PENICULUS
Do be quiet; by my faith, I discover that you’ve done that already indeed.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Answer me, young man, I beg; what is your name?
PENICULUS
Are you laughing at me, as well, as though you didn’t know my name?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
By my troth, I never saw or knew you, that I’m aware of, before this day; but at all events, whoever you are, if you do what’s right, you won’t be an annoyance to me.
PENICULUS
Don’t you know me?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I shouldn’t deny it if I did know you.
PENICULUS
Menaechmus, awake.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I’ troth, I really am awake, so far as I know.
PENICULUS
Don’t you know your own Parasite?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Young man, I find that your headpiece isn’t sound.
PENICULUS
Answer me; have you not purloined that mantle from your wife to-day, and given it to Erotium?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I’ faith I have no wife, nor have I given the mantle to Erotium, nor have I purloined it.
PENICULUS
Are you really in your senses? ... This matter’s settled. Did I not see you coming out of doors clad in a mantle?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Woe to your head. Do you think that all people are effeminate rogues because you are one? Do you declare that I was clothed in a mantle?
PENICULUS
Troth, I really do.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Why don’t you go where you are deserving to go, or else request yourself to be atoned for, you downright madman?
PENICULUS
By my troth, never shall any one prevail upon me not to tell your wife the whole matter now, just as it happened. All these insults shall be retorted upon yourself. I’ll take care that you shan’t have devoured the breakfast unpunished. He goes into the house of MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
What’s the meaning of this business? Why, Just as I see each person, do they all make fun of me in this way? But the door makes a noise.
Enter a MAID-SERVANT, from the house of EROTIUM.
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
Menaechmus, Erotium says that she entreats you much, that at the same opportunity you’ll take this to the goldsmith’s, and add to it an ounce in weight of gold, and order the bracelet to be fashioned anew. Gives him a bracelet.