Enter THERAPONTIGONUS. and LYCO.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I’m come now, inflamed with wrath in no moderate degree, but with that same with which I’ve learned to deal destruction upon cities. At once now, unless this moment you make haste instantly to pay me the thirty minæ which I left with you, make haste to lay down your life.
LYCO
By my troth, to no little mischief do I now devote you, but to that same to which I am wont to devote that man to whom I owe nothing at all.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Don’t you be making yourself bold with me, or suppose that I shall be entreating you.
LYCO
And you, indeed, shall never force me to pay you what has been paid, nor shall I give it you.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I thought this, when I entrusted you with it, that you would repay nothing at all.
LYCO
Why then are you now asking it back of me?
THERAPONTIGONUS
I wish to know to whom you have paid it.
LYCO
To your one-eyed freed-man; he said that he was called Summanus; I paid it to him, who brought me this sealed letter. Gives him the letter.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What letter of mine, what one-eyed freed-man, what people called Summanus are you dreaming about? I really have no freed-man at all.
LYCO
You act more wisely than a portion of the military men who have freed-men, and then forsake them.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What have you done?
LYCO
What you requested me, I’ve done for your sake, that I mightn’t slight the messenger who had brought your seal’s impression.
THERAPONTIGONUS
More fool than fool were you to give credit to this letter.
LYCO
To that by which matters both public and private are carried on ought I not to have given credit? I’ll be off; the money has been properly paid you. Warrior, farewell.
THERAPONTIGONUS
How — farewell?
LYCO
Fare you ill then, if you choose, — aye, all your life, so far as I’m concerned. (Exit.)
THERAPONTIGONUS
What shall I do now? Of what use is it that I have caused kings to obey me, if this obscure fellow is this day to laugh at me?
Enter CAPPADOX, from the Temple.
CAPPADOX
to himself . The man to whom the Gods are propitious, they cannot, I think, be angered with him. After I ad finished my devotions, it then came into my mind, lest the banker should abscond, to go fetch the money, that I may make good cheer rather than he.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I had left my compliments for you at your house.
CAPPADOX
Therapontigonus Platagidorus, save you; since you are come safe to Epidaurus this day, at my house — you won’t lick up one grain of salt.
THERAPONTIGONUS
You give me a kind invitation; things, however, are in a train for it to go badly with yourself. But how fares my purchase at your house?
CAPPADOX
Why, not at my house at all. Don’t be bringing your witnesses — assuredly, I don’t owe you anything.
THERAPONTIGONUS
How’s that?
CAPPADOX
What I was bound on oath to do, I’ve done.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Will you give me up the girl or not, before I spit you with this sabre of mine, you whip-scoundrel?
CAPPADOX
I bid you go to perdition with all my heart; don’t you be terrifying me. She has been carried off; you shall e carried off hence away from me, beyond a doubt, if you persist in abusing me, to whom I owe nothing but a punishing.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What, threaten me with a punishing?
CAPPADOX
Aye, and by my troth, I’ll not be threatening, but I’ll give it, if you persist in being impertinent to me.
THERAPONTIGONUS
A Procurer, forsooth, threatening me; and are my combats in battle, so many in number, lying trodden under foot? But so may my sabre and my shield * * * * * trustily aid me when fighting in the field; unless the girl is restored to me, I’ll at once cause the ants to carry you away piecemeal from this spot.
CAPPADOX
And so may my tweezers, my comb, my looking-glass, my crisping-iron, and my hair-scissors and scrubbing-towel love me well, I don’t value your high-sounding words, nor these big threats of yours, a bit the more than my servant-girl that washes out my sink. I’ve given her up to him who brought the money from you.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What person was that?
CAPPADOX
He said that he was Summanus, your freed-man.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Mine? You don’t say so; i’ faith, it’s that Curculio that has put a trick upon me, when I think upon it; he stole my ring from me.
CAPPADOX
aside . The Captain has been finely appointed to a cashiered company.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Where now shall I find Curculio?
CAPPADOX
In some wheat with the greatest ease I’ll make you find even five hundred Curculios instead of one. Therefore I’m off; fare you well, and my service to you. (Exit.)
THERAPONTIGONUS
Fare you ill, a plague attend you. What shall I do? Shall I stop or go away? That I should have been imposed upon in this way! I’d like to give a reward to him who would point out that fellow to me. (Exit.)
ACT V.
Enter CURCULIO, with a ring, from the house of PHÆDROMUS.
CURCULIO
I’ve heard that an ancient Poet wrote in a Tragedy, that two women are worse than one; such is the fact. But a more crafty woman than is this mistress of Phædromus, I never saw or heard of, nor, i’ faith, can one be spoken of or imagined; she, as soon as ever she saw that I had got this ring, asked me whence I got it. “Why do you ask that?” said I. “Because I’ve need to know,” said she. I said I wouldn’t tell her. To get it away, she seized hold of my hand with her teeth. With much ado I betook me out of doors, and made my escape. Away with this slut.
Enter PLANESIUM, followed by PHÆDROMUS, from his house.
PLANESIUM
My Phædromus, make haste.
PHÆD.
Make haste for what?
PLANESIUM
That you mayn’t let the Parasite escape; the affair’s of consequence.
PHÆD.
Nothing have I of consequence; for what I did have I quickly made away with? Seizes CURCULIO. I’ve got him; what’s the matter?
PLANESIUM
Ask him whence he got that ring: my father used to wear it.
CURCULIO
Why, troth, and so did my aunt.
PLANESIUM
My mother gave it him to wear.
CURCULIO
And your father, in his turn, to me.
PLANESIUM
You are talking nonsense.
CURCULIO
I’m in the habit; for by reason of it I make a livelihood the more easily. What is the matter now?
PLANESIUM
I entreat you, don’t be keeping me from finding my parents.
CURCULIO
How can I? Have I got your father and mother hidden beneath the stone? Holding up the ring.
PLANESIUM
I was born a free woman.
CURCULIO
And so were many others, who are now in servitude.
PLANESIUM
Really now, I’m vexed.
CURCULIO
For my part, I’ve told you how this came into my possession. How often must you be told? I cheated the Captain at dice, I tell you. THERAPONTIGONUS.
THERAPONTIGONUS
eyeing CURCULIO . I’m all right; see, here he is whom I was looking for. How do you do, good sir?
CURCULIO
I hear you; three casts of the dice, if you like, even for that scarf
of yours.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Why don’t you go to very perdition, with your casts and catch-pennies? Either give me back the money or the young woman?
CURCULIO
with an air of surprise . What money? what rubbish are you talking about to me? What young woman are you demanding back of me? THER. The one that you took away this day from the Procurer, you scoundrelly fellow.
CURCULIO
I took none away.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Why, surely, I see her. There she is. Pointing to PLANESIUM.
PHÆD.
This young woman is free.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What, my female slave free, to whom I have never given her liberty?
PHÆD.
Who gave you possession of her, or of whom did you buy her? Let me know that?
THERAPONTIGONUS
Why, I paid the money for her through my banker — a sum which I’ll have refunded to me fourfold by you and the Procurer.
PHÆD.
You, who understand how to traffic in young women, kidnapped and of free birth, come you before the judge.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I shan’t come.
PHÆD.
I may call my witness to the summons.
THERAPONTIGONUS
No, you mayn’t.
PHÆD.
May Jupiter then utterly confound you: live without witnesses then.
CURCULIO
But I’m a person that he may summon.
PHÆD.
to CURCULIO . Do you step this way.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What? A slave summoned as a witness? Take you care.
CURCULIO
Well, that you may know it, I’m free.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Then come before the judge. There’s for you: take that. Gives him a blow.
CURCULIO
O townsmen, townsmen, help.
THERAPONTIGONUS
PHÆD.
What right have you to strike him?
THERAPONTIGONUS
Because I choose.
PHÆD.
to CURCULIO . Step this way you pushes him towards the CAPTAIN ; there, I’ll give him up to you. Hold your noise.
CURCULIO
Phædromus, prithee do save me.
PHÆD.
As I would myself and my own good Genius. Captain, prithee, do tell me whence you got that ring, which this Parasite purloined from you.
PLANESIUM
kneeling before the CAPTAIN . By your knees, I do entreat you to give us that information.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What matters that to you? You might as well ask after this sabre and this scarf, how each came into my possession.
CURCULIO
What airs the swaggerer does give himself!
THERAPONTIGONUS
Send that fellow away pointing to CURCULIO ; then I’ll tell you all.
CURCULIO
It’s nonsense what he says.
PHÆD.
Prithee, do let me know.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I’ll tell you: to PLANESIUM get up. Listen to this matter, and give attention. My father Periphanes used to wear it.
PLANESIUM
Ha! Periphanes?
THERAPONTIGONUS
He, before he died, gave it to me as being his son, as it was right he should.
PLANESIUM
O Jupiter!
THERAPONTIGONUS
And on that occasion he made me his heir.
PLANESIUM
O filial affection, do thou preserve me, since I have carefully preserved thee. Welcome, my brother.
THERAPONTIGONUS
How am I to believe that? Tell me, if you are speaking the truth, who was your mother?
PLANESIUM
Cleobula.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Who was your nurse?
PLANESIUM
Archestrata. Amid the sacred rites of Bacchus she had carried me to see the sights * * * * * * * after we had come thither, when now she had found me a place, a whirlwind arose; the scaffolding of the stage there tumbled down; I was greatly alarmed, and then some one, I know not who, seized hold of me trembling and frightened, neither alive nor dead; and in what manner he carried me off I cannot say.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I recollect that disturbance happening; but, do you tell me, where is this person, who carried you away?
PLANESIUM
I know not; but showing a ring this ring I have all along preserved by me, with it long since was I lost.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Give it me to look at.
CURCULIO
to PLANESIUM . Are you in your senses to be trusting it to that fellow? Holds her arm.
PLANESIUM
Do you only leave me alone. (She gives it to the CAPTAIN.)
THERAPONTIGONUS
examining it . O Jupiter! This is the same that I presented you upon your birthday; I recognize it as easily as my own self. Welcome to you, my sister.
PLANESIUM
My brother, welcome to you.
PHÆD.
I trust the Gods will prosper this matter for you.
CURCULIO
And I, for all of us. To the CAPTAIN. Do you, as having this day arrived, give a dinner in honor of your sister he pointing to PHÆDROMUS , to-morrow, will give one in honor of his marriage; we promise that.
PIÆD.
to CURCULIO . Do you hold your tongue.
CURCULIO
I shan’t hold my tongue, as things are turning out so well. Captain, do you promise her to him; I’ll give the marriage-portion.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What is the marriage-portion?
CURCULIO
What, that I give? Why, that always as long as he lives he’s to feed me.
THERAPONTIGONUS
I’ troth, he says what’s fair; with my consent you shall do so. But this Procurer owes me the thirty minæ.
PHÆD.
For what reason so?
THERAPONTIGONUS
Because he agreed with me on these terms to give it back: that if any one should assert her to be free born in due course of law, he would, without dispute, pay back all the money.
CURCULIO
Then let’s go to the Procurer.
THERAPONTIGONUS
PHÆD.
This first I wish; to despatch my matter.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What’s that?
PHÆD.
That you will betroth her to me. The CAPTAIN considers.
CURCULIO
Why do you hesitate, Captain, to give her as a wife to him?
THERAPONTIGONUS
If she is agreable.
PLANESIUM
My brother, it is my wish.
THERAPONTIGONUS
So be it then.
CURCULIO
You do rightly.
PHÆD.
Captain, do you betroth me to her for my wife?
THERAPONTIGONUS
I do betroth her.
PHÆD.
pointing to CURCULIO . And to him do I promise support at my expense.
CURCULIO
You do kindly. But * * * * * * * *
THER,
* * * * * But see, here’s the Procurer coming; my treasurer, I mean.
Enter CAPPADOX, in haste.
CAPPADOX
to himself . Those who say it’s bad for bankers to be trusted, utter nonsense; I say it’s neither good nor bad for them to be trusted, and that, I’ve fully experienced this day. They are not badly trusted, who never repay, but with whom it is lost outright. As for example, before this Lyco paid me the ten minæ, he had to go to every banker’s counter. After there were no proceeds, I summoned the fellow with much noise; he appealed against me to the court. I was most confoundedly afraid that this day he’d be settling accounts with me b
efore the Prætor; but my friends forced him, so he paid the money at home. Now I’m resolved to make haste to my house. Runs towards his door.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Hallo! you Procurer; I want you.
PHÆD.
And I want you.
CAPPADOX
But I don’t want either of you.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Stay this instant, will you.
PHÆD.
And make you haste to disgorge the money with all despatch.
CAPPADOX
to PHÆDROMUS . What have you to do with me? To the CAPTAIN. Or what have you?
THERAPONTIGONUS
Because this day I shall be making a javelin of you, discharged from a catapulta, and twist you with the string, just as the catapultas are in the habit of doing.
PHÆD.
I’ll this day make a coxcomb of you, to be sleeping with a puppy in your bed — an iron one, I mean.
CAPPADOX
But I’ll make you both to be rotting in a strong-barred prison.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Seize him by the throat, and away with him to extreme torture.
PHÆD.
However that is, he’ll be going there of his own accord. The CAPTAIN seizes him.
CAPPADOX
O Gods and men, your aid! that I, uncondemned, and without evidence against me, should thus be dragged along! Prithee, Planesium, and you, Phædromus, do give me assistance.
PLANESIUM
Brother, I do beseech you, don’t ruin him uncondemned; he treated me kindly and modestly at his house.
THERAPONTIGONUS
That was through no inclination of his own; give you thanks to this Æsculapius pointing to the Temple that you’ve preserved your chastity; for if he had been well, he’d long ago have packed you off wherever he could.
PHÆD.
Now attend to me, both of you, if I can arrange between you. To the CAPTAIN. You let him go. Procurer, come you this way. I’ll pronounce my opinion, if indeed you are ready to abide by what I shall decide you should do.
THERAPONTIGONUS
We leaves it to you. He lets go of the PROCURER.
CAPPADOX
So long, i’ faith, as you give a decision to the effect that no one is to take the money away from me.
THERAPONTIGONUS
What, not that which you promised?
CAPPADOX
I, promised? How?
THERAPONTIGONUS
With your tongue.
CAPPADOX
With that same tongue I now gainsay it; that was given me by Nature for the purpose of speaking, not of losing my property.
THERAPONTIGONUS
He’s trifling; seize the fellow by the throat. Seizes him. CAP. I’ll at once then do as you bid me.
THERAPONTIGONUS
Since you are an honest man, answer me this that I ask you.