Enter PISTOCLERUS from the house of BACCHIS.
PISTOCLERUS
speaking to BACCHIS as he comes out . Before other matters, Bacchis, will I give place to what you enjoin me, that I find out Mnesilochus, and bring him, together with myself, to you. But at this my mind is surprised, if my messenger has reached him, what it is that delays him. I’ll go into his house here, and see if perchance he’s at home.
Enter MNESILOCHUS from his father’s house.
MNESILOCHUS
as he enters . I’ve given up to my father all the gold. Now could I wish that she should meet me, after I am penniless, this fair one so scornful of me. Yet with what great difficulty did he grant me a pardon for Chrysalus. But I prevailed on him at last that he wouldn’t be at all angry with him.
PISTOCLERUS
apart . Isn’t this my friend?
MNESILOCHUS
apart . Isn’t this my foe that I see?
PISTOCLERUS
For sure ’tis he.
MNESILOCHUS
’Tis he.
PISTOCLERUS
apart . I’ll go to meet him, and I’ll mend my pace. Aloud. Health to you, Mnesilochus!
MNESILOCHUS
Hail!
PISTOCLERUS
As you are arrived safe from abroad, a dinner must be given.
MNESILOCHUS
A dinner pleases me not, which excites my choler.
PISTOCLERUS
Has any vexation befallen you on your arrival?
MNESILOCHUS
Aye, and a very grievous one.
PISTOCLERUS
From what quarter?
MNESILOCHUS
From a person whom heretofore I had supposed to be my friend.
PISTOCLERUS
Many live after that manner and method, who, when you think them to be friends, are found false with their deceitfulness, strong in their talking, slothful in their doing, of faith infirm. Not one is there whom they don’t envy on their enjoying prosperity; through their own indolence do they themselves take right good care that no envy is directed against them.
MNESILOCHUS
By my troth, you surely understand their ways most thoroughly. But still this one misfortune do they find from their bad disposition; they are the friends of no one, while they themselves are all at enmity against themselves; and these, while they are deceiving themselves, in their foolishness imagine that others are deceived. Just so is he whom I supposed to be as much a friend to me as I am to my own self. He, so far as in him lay, has taken all care to do whatever injury he could towards me, to turn all my own resources against me.
PISTOCLERUS
This same must me a bad man.
MNESILOCHUS
I judge that so he is.
PISTOCLERUS
Troth now, prithee, do tell me who it is.
MNESILOCHUS
He lives on good terms with yourself. But were he not; so, I would entreat you to do him whatever harm you could do.
PISTOCLERUS
Only tell me the person, who he is; if I don’t do him an injury, some way or other, do you say that I’m the greatest of cowards.
MNESILOCHUS
The person’s a bad one, but he’s your friend, i’ faith.
PISTOCLERUS
So much the rather, then, tell me who he is. In good sooth, I set no value on the esteem of a worthless person.
MNESILOCHUS
I appear, then, not to be able to avoid disclosing to you his name. Pistoclerus, you have utterly undone me, your friend.
PISTOCLERUS
How’s that?
MNESILOCHUS
How’s that? Did I not send you a letter from Ephesus about my mistress, that you should find her out for me?
PISTOCLERUS
I own you did; and I have discovered her.
MNESILOCHUS
How now? Was there not a choice for you of other Courtesans in Athens, for you to form engagements with, instead of with her whom I had recommended to your care? Could you yourself begin to love, and to contrive an injury against myself?
PISTOCLERUS
Are you in your senses?
MNESILOCHUS
I have found out the whole affair from your tutor; don’t deny it. You’ve ruined me.
PISTOCLERUS
What, still upbraiding me without reason with these rebukes of yours?
MNESILOCHUS
Why? You’re in love with Bacchis.
PISTOCLERUS
But look you, two persons of the name of Bacchis are living here in this house.
MNESILOCHUS
How, two?
PISTOCLERUS
Aye, and the two are sisters.
MNESILOCHUS
You are now designedly telling idle stories.
PISTOCLERUS
In fine, if you persist in thinking there’s but little confidence in me, I’ll take you upon my shoulders, and carry you hence into their house.
MNESILOCHUS
Well, I’ll go; but stay a moment.
PISTOCLERUS
I will not stay, and you shall not be holding me under a false suspicion.
MNESILOCHUS
I follow you then. (They go into the house of BACCHIS.)
ACT IV.
Enter a PARASITE and a BOY.
PARASITE
Of a debauched and unscrupulous fellow am I the Parasite — a Captain, who has brought his mistress with him from Samos. Now he has ordered me to go to her, and make enquiry whether she will pay back the gold, or whether she will depart together with him. You, boy, who have for some time been with her, whichever of these is the house, do you knock. Go to the door forthwith. The BOY goes to knock. Are you coming back from there, you hangdog? How the graceless scoundrel does knock! You can gobble up a loaf three feet wide, and yet you don’t know how to knock at a door. He calls out and knocks violently. Is there any one in-doors? Hallo! is there any one here? Does any one open this door? Who’s coming out?
Enter PISTOCLERUS from the house.
PISTOCLERUS
What’s the matter? What’s this knocking? Why, what the confounded torment possesses you, to be exerting your strength in this fashion on another person’s door? You’ve almost broken the door down. What do you want now?
PARASITE
Young gentleman, my respects.
PISTOCLERUS
And my respects. But whom are you looking for?
PARASITE
For Bacchis.
PISTOCLERUS
But which of them?
PARASITE
Of that I know nothing, only it’s Bacchis. In a few words, the Captain, Cleomachus, has sent me to her, either for her to pay back the tyro hundred golden Philippeans, or to go hence this day, together with him, to Elatia.
PISTOCLERUS
She doesn’t go: she says she shan’t go. Begone, and take back this message — she loves another person, and not him. Take yourself off from the house.
PARASITE
You’re too hasty.
PISTOCLERUS
And would you know now hasty I am? By my faith, your phiz isn’t far off from a mishap; so much are these teeth-crackers looking at his fists longing in my fists.
PARASITE
aside . So far as I understand his words, ’tis a warning to me, lest he should knock my nut-crackers out of my jaws. To PISTOCLERUS. At your own peril, I’ll tell him this.
PISTOCLERUS
What do you say?
PARASITE
I’ll tell him that which you bade me.
PISTOCLERUS
Who are you? Tell me.
PARASITE
I’m the skill of his body
PISTOCLERUS
He needs must be a scampish fellow, who has got so worthless a skin.
PARASITE
He’ll be coming here, swollen up with wrath.
PISTOCLERUS
I wish he may burst.
PARASITE
about to go . Is th
ere anything you want?
PISTOCLERUS
Be off; you must do so this instant.
PARASITE
Good-bye, teeth-cracker. Exit. PISTOC. And you, skin of his body, good-bye! This matter has come to such a point, that what advice to give my friend about his mistress, I know not; who, in his pet, has given up all the gold to his father, and not a coin is there that may be paid to the Captain. But I’ll step aside, for the door makes a noise. O, here’s Mnesilochus coming out, and pensive, too. He stands apart.
Enter MNESILOCHUS from the house of BACCHIS.
MNESILOCHUS
Insolent, of a froward, passionate, ungovernable, inconsiderate disposition, without reason and moderation, am I; without fine principles of rectitude and honor, hard of belief, powerless to control my passions, born of a temper ill-disposed, unamiable and ungracious is my life In fine, I am that which I could wish others to be. There’s not a person more worthless, or more unworthy for the Gods to bless, or for men to love or to associate with. ’Tis more just that I should have enemies than friends— ’tis more reasonable that the bad should give me their assistance than the good. There’s not a person more deserving of all the reproaches that are befitting worthless men, than I, who have given up to my father the money that was in my power. Could this be believed by any one whatever? Am I not a madman, who have miserably undone myself and the device of Chrysalus?
PISTOCLERUS
aside . He must now be consoled by me; I’ll accost him. Aloud. Hallo, Mnesilochus! what’s the matter?
MNESILOCHUS
I’m ruined.
PISTOCLERUS
May the Gods grant better things!
MNESILOCHUS
I’m ruined.
PISTOCLERUS
Won’t you hold your tongue, simpleton?
MNESILOCHUS
Hold my tongue?
PISTOCLERUS
You are not now quite right in your senses.
MNESILOCHUS
I’m undone. Many sharp and poignant woes are now arising in my breast. Did I not put faith in that accusation? Without any cause was I angry with you.
PISTOCLERUS
Come, come, do have a good heart.
MNESILOCHUS
Whence have it? A dead man is of more value than I am.
PISTOCLERUS
The Captain’s Parasite came here, just now, to fetch the gold hence. I drove the fellow away from this door and from this fair one, and packed him off through my harsh language.
MNESILOCHUS
But of what service is that to me? Wretch that I am, what shall I do? I have nothing; and he certainly will carry her off.
PISTOCLERUS
By my faith, if I had the means, I’d engage not.
MNESILOCHUS
I know you’d give it me; I know your ways; and were you not in love, I should now have the very greatest possible confidence in your assistance. At present, you yourself have more than enough of your own business, for me to suppose that you, who are in want yourself; are able to give me any assistance.
PISTOCLERUS
Do but hold your tongue: some Divinity will favour us.
MNESILOCHUS.
Nonsense. Moves as if going.
PISTOCLERUS
Do stay Takes hold of him.
MNESILOCHUS
What’s the matter?
PISTOCLERUS
Why, I see Chrysalus here, your main resource.
Enter CHRYSALUS, at a distance.
CHRYSALUS
to himself . It’s right this man pointing to himself should be worth his weight in gold: it’s fair that a statue of gold should be erected for him. For, this day, two exploits have I achieved; with twofold spoils have I been graced. So cleverly have I gulled my elder master this day, that he has been made a fool of. The crafty old blade, by my crafty tricks, have I compelled and constrained to believe me in everything. Then, for the son of the old gentleman, my master here in love, together with whom I drink, with whom I eat and go a-courting, I have procured regal and golden trea sures, that he may take from thence at home, and not go seeking abroad. Those Parmenos and those Syruses, please me not, who filch some two or three minae from their masters. There’s nothing more worthless than a servant without skill — worthless, if he has not a breast mightily well-stocked, so that, whenever there is necessity, he may draw his supply from his own breast. No one can be a person well to do ... unless he understands both how to do good and how to do evil. With rogues he must be a rogue; with thieves let him filch whatever he can. It befits him who is truly wise, to be a person that can shift his very skin. Good with the good let him be, bad with the bad: just as things are, so let him ever frame his humour. But I should like to know how much gold my master has taken for himself, and what he has given up to his father. If he is a prudent person, he has made a Hercules of his parent: he has given him the tenth part, and has kept back nine for himself. But, see! the person whom I was looking for; he meets me most opportunely. To MNESILOCHUS. Has any of your money fallen down, my master, that thus, in silence, you are looking down upon the ground? Why do I see you two sad and sorrowful? I like it not; and ’tis not without some reason. Are you going now to give me any answer?
MNESILOCHUS
I’m undone, Chrysalus.
CHRYSALUS
Perhaps you took too little of the gold.
MNESILOCHUS
How, a plague, too little? Why, yes, indeed, a very great deal less than too little.
CHRYSALUS
Why the mischief then, simpleton, since by my skill an opportunity was procured for that very purpose, that you might take as much as you pleased, did you thus take it up with the tips of two fingers? Or, didn’t you know how rarely an opportunity of that kind presents itself to a person?
MNESILOCHUS
You are mistaken.
CHRYSALUS
Why, surely, ’tis you yourself that were mistaken, when you dip’t your fingers in not deep enough.
MNESILOCHUS
I’ faith, you’d upbraid me more than now you do, if you knew the matter better. I’m undone.
CHRYSALUS
My mind is now foreboding further mischief from those words.
I’m ruined.
CHRYSALUS
How so?
MNESILOCHUS
Because I’ve given all up to my father, with every particle of it.
CHRYSALUS
Given it up?
MNESILOCHUS
Given it up.
CHRYSALUS
What, all?
MNESILOCHUS
Every jot.
CHRYSALUS
We are done for. How came it into your mind to do this deed so foul?
MNESILOCHUS
I had a suspicion, Chrysalus, by reason of a charge, that Bacchis and he (pointing to PISTOCLERUS) had been playing me false; for that reason, in my anger, I gave up all the gold to my father.
CHRYSALUS
What did you say to your father when you gave up the gold?
MNESILOCHUS
That I had at once received this gold from his host, Archidemides.
CHRYSALUS
Eh! by that speech you have this day consigned Chrysalus to the torture; for, when he shall set eyes on me, the old gentleman will carry me off that instant to the executioner.
MNESILOCHUS
I’ve besought my father.
CERYS.
I suppose, to do, in fact, the thing that I was speaking of?
MNESILOCHUS
Nay, not to punish you, or to blame you at all on account of this business. And with some difficulty I’ve prevailed. Now, Chrysalus, this must be your care.
CHRYSALUS
What do you wish should be my care?
MNESILOCHUS
That once again you should make a second inroad upon the old gentleman. Contrive, devise, invent whatever you please; frame your plans, so that this day you may cleverly deceive the old man
unawares, and carry off the gold.
CHRYSALUS
It scarcely seems possible to be done.
MNESILOCHUS
Set about it, and you’ll easily effect it.
CHRYSALUS
How the plague “easily,” for me, whom he has this moment caught out in a lie? Should I entreat him not to believe me at all, he would not venture even to believe me in that.
MNESILOCHUS
Aye, and if you were to hear what things he said about you in my presence.
CHRYSALUS
What did he say?
MNESILOCHUS
That if you were to say that this sun was the sun, he would believe it was the moon, and that that is the night which is now the day.
CHRYSALUS
By my troth, I’ll bamboozle the old chap right well this very day, so that he shan’t have said that for nothing.
PISTOCLERUS
Now, what would you have us do?
CHRYSALUS
Why, nothing, except that I beg you’ll still love on. As for the rest, ask of me as much gold as you please; I’ll find it you. Of what use is it for me to have the name of Chrysalus, unless I give proofs by fact? But now, tell me, Mnesilochus, how much gold is requisite for you.
MNESILOCHUS
There’s occasion for two hundred pieces at once, to pay the Captain for Bacchis.
CHRYSALUS
I’ll find it you.
MNESILOCHUS
Then we have need of some for current expenses.
CHRYSALUS
Aye, aye, I wish us to do each thing deliberately; when I’ve accomplished the one, then I’ll set about the other. First, for the two hundred pieces, I shall direct my engine of war against the old gentleman. If with that engine I batter down the tower and the outworks, straight at the gate that instant I’ll attack the old town and the new one; if I take it, then carry to your friends the gold in baskets, just as your heart wishes.