MERCURY
apart . Not even one word of these has he yet uttered correctly; for I was there in the battle personally, and my father too, when it was fought.
SOSIA
continuing . “The enemy betook themselves to flight. Then was new spirit added to our men, the Teleboans flying, with darts were their bodies filled, and Amphitryon himself, with his own hand, struck off the head of Pterelas their king. This battle was being fought there even from the morning till the evening. This do I the better remember for this reason; because on that day I went without my breakfast. But night at last, by its interposing, cut short this combat. The next day, the chiefs came weeping from the city to us at the camp. With covered hands, they entreated us to pardon their offences; and they all surrendered rendered up themselves. and all things divine and human, their city and their children, into the possession and unto the disposal of the Theban people. Lastly, by reason of his valour, a golden goblet was presented to my master Amphitryon, from which king Pterelas had been used to drink.” These things I’ll thus tell my mistress. I’ll now proceed to obey my master’s order and to betake me home. He moves.
MERCURY
apart . Heyday! he’s about to come this way; I’ll go meet him; and I’ll not permit this fellow at any time to-day to approach this house. Since I have his form upon myself, I’m resolved to play the fellow off. And indeed, since I have taken upon me his figure and his station, it is right for me likewise to have actions and manners like to his. Therefore it befits me to be artful, crafty, very cunning, and by his own weapon, artfulness, to drive him from the door. But what means this? He is looking up at the sky. I’ll watch what scheme he’s about.
SOSIA
looking up at the sky . Upon my faith, for sure, if there is aught besides that I believe, or know for certain, I do believe that this night the God of Night has gone to sleep drunk; for neither does the Wain move itself in any direction in the sky, nor does the Moon bestir herself anywhere from where she first arose; nor does Orion, or the Evening Star, or the Pleiades, set. In such a fashion are the stars standing stock-still, and the night is yielding not a jot to the day.
MERCURY
apart . Go on, Night, as you’ve begun, and pay obedience to my father. In best style, the best of services are you performing for the best of beings; in giving this, you reap a fair return.
SOSIA
to himself . I do not think that I have ever seen a longer night than this, except one of like fashion, which livelong night I was hanging up, having been first whipped. Even that as well, by my troth, does this one by far exceed in its length. I’ faith, I really do believe that the Sun’s asleep, and is thoroughly drenched. It’s a wonder to me if he hasn’t indulged himself a little too much at dinner.
MERCURY
apart . Do you really say so, you scoundrel? Do you think that the Gods are like yourself? I’ faith, you hang-dog, I’ll entertain you for these speeches and misdeeds of yours; only come this way, will you, and you’ll find your ruin.
SOSIA
to himself . Where are those wenchers, who unwillingly lie a-bed alone? A rare night this for making the best of what was a bad bargain at first.
MERCURY
apart . My father then, according to this fellow’s words, is doing rightly and wisely, who in his amorousness, indulging his passion, is lying in the embraces of Alcmena.
SOSIA
to himself . I’ll go tell Alcmena, as my master ordered me. (Advancing, he discovers MERCURY.) But who is this fellow that I see before the house at this time of night? I don’t like it.
MERCURY
aside . There is not in existence another such cowardly fellow as this.
SOSIA
aside . Now, when I think of it, this fellow wishes to take my mantle off once more.
MERCURY
aside . The fellow’s afraid; I’ll have some sport with him.
SOSIA
aside . I’m quite undone, my teeth are chattering. For sure, on my arrival, he is about to receive me with the hospitality of his fist. He’s a merciful person, I suppose; now, because my master has obliged me to keep awake, with his fists just now he’ll be making me go to sleep. I’m most confoundedly undone. Troth now, prithee, look, how big and how strong he is.
MERCURY
aside . I’ll talk at him aloud, he shall hear what I say. Therefore indeed, in a still greater degree, shall he conceive fears within himself. In a loud voice, holding up his fists. Come, fists, it’s a long time now since you found provision for my stomach; it seems to have taken place quite a long time ago, when yesterday you laid four men asleep, stript naked.
SOSIA
aside . I’m dreadfully afraid lest I should be changing my name here, and become a Quintus instead of a Sosia. He declares that he has laid four men asleep; I fear lest I should be adding to that number.
MERCURY
throwing about his arms . Well, now then for it. This is the way I intend.
SOSIA
aside . He is girded tight; for sure, he’s getting himself ready.
MERCURY
He shan’t get off without getting a thrashing.
SOSIA
aside . What person, I wonder? MERC. Beyond a doubt, whatever person comes this way, he shall eat my fists.
SOSIA
aside . Get out with you, I don’t wish to eat at this time of night; I’ve lately dined. Therefore do you, if you are wise, bestow your dinner on those who are hungry.
MERCURY
The weight of this fist is no poor one.
SOSIA
aside . I’m done for; he is poising his fists.
MERCURY
What if I were to touch him, stroking him down, so that he may go to sleep?
SOSIA
aside . You would be proving my salvation; for I’ve been watching most confoundedly these three nights running.
MERCURY
My hand refuses to learn to strike his cheek; it cannot do a disgraceful action. Hand of mine, of a changed form must he become whom you smite with this fist.
SOSIA
aside . This fellow will be furbishing me up, and be moulding my face anew.
MERCURY
to his fist . The man that you hit full, his face must surely be boned.
SOSIA
aside . It’s a wonder if this fellow isn’t thinking of boning me just like a lamprey. Away with a fellow that bones people! If he sees me, I’m a dead man.
MERCURY
SOSIA
aside . Woe to me! Is it I that stink?
MERCURY
And he cannot be very far off; but he has been a long way off from here.
SOSIA
aside . This person’s a wizard.
MERCURY
My fists are longing.
SOSIA
aside . If you are going to exercise them upon me, I beg that you’ll first cool them down against the wall.
MERCURY
A voice has come flying to my ears.
SOSIA
aside . Unlucky fellow, for sure, was I, who didn’t clip its wings. I’ve got a voice with wings, it seems.
MERCURY
This fellow is demanding of me for himself a heavy punishment for his beast’s back.
SOSIA
aside . As for me, I’ve got no beast’s back.
MERCURY
He must be well loaded with my fists.
SOSIA
aside . I’ faith, I’m fatigued, coming from board ship, when I was brought hither; even now I’m sea-sick. Without a burden, I can hardly creep along, so don’t think that with a load I can go.
MERCURY
Why, surely, somebody is speaking here.
SOSIA
aside . I’m all right, he doesn’t see me; he thinks it’s “Somebody” speaking: Sosia is certainly my name.
MERCURY
But here, from the right-hand side, the v
oice, as it seems, strikes upon my ear.
SOSIA
aside . I’m afraid that I shall be getting a thrashing here this day, in place of my voice, that’s striking him. Moves.
MERCURY
Here he is — he’s coming towards me, most opportunely.
SOSIA
aside . I’m terrified — I’m numbed all over. Upon my faith, I don’t know where in the world I now am, if any one should ask me; and to my misfortune, I cannot move myself for fright. It’s all up with me; the orders of his master and Sosia are lost together. But I’m determined boldly to address this fellow to his face, so that I may be able to appear valiant to him; that he may keep his hands off me Advances towards the door.
MERCURY
accosting him . Where are you going, you that are carrying Vulcan enclosed in your horn?
SOSIA
Why do you make that enquiry, you who are boning men’s heads with your fists?
MERCURY
Are you slave or free man?
SOSIA
Just as it suits my inclination.
MERCURY
Do you really say so?
SOSIA
I really do say so.
MERCURY
Whip-scoundrel!
SOSIA
Now you are telling a lie.
MERCURY
But I’ll soon make you own that I’m telling the truth.
SOSIA
What necessity is there for it?
MERCURY
Can I know whence you have set out, whose you are, or why you are come?
SOSIA
pointing . This way I’m going, and I’m the servant of my master. Are you any the wiser now?
MERCURY
I’ll this day make you be holding that foul tongue of yours.
SOSIA
You can’t; it is kept pure and becomingly.
MERCURY
Do you persist in chattering? What business now have you at this house? Points to the house.
SOSIA
Aye, and what business have you?
MERCURY
King Creon always sets a watch every night.
SOSIA
He does right; because we were abroad, he has been protecting our house. But however, do go in now, and say that some of the family servants have arrived.
MERCURY
How far you are one of the family servants I don’t know. But unless you are off from here this instant, family servant as you are, I’ll make you to be received in no familiar style.
SOSIA
Here, I say, I live, and of these people I am the servant.
MERCURY
But do you understand how it is? Unless you are off, I’ll make you to be exalted this day.
SOSIA
In what way, pray?
MERCURY
You shall be carried off, you shan’t walk away, if I take up a stick.
SOSIA
But I declare that I am one of the domestics of this family.
MERCURY
Consider, will you, how soon you want a drubbing, unless you are off from here this instant.
SOSIA
Do you want, as I arrive from foreign parts, to drive me from my home?
MERCURY
Is this your home?
SOSIA
It is so, I say.
MERCURY
Who is your master, then?
SOSIA
Amphitryon, who is now the general of the Theban forces, to whom Alcmena is married.
MERCURY
How say you? What’s your name?
SOSIA
The Thebans call me Sosia, the son of my father Davus.
MERCURY
Assuredly, at your peril have you come here this day, with your trumped-up lies, your patched-up knaveries, you essence of effrontery.
SOSIA
Why no, it’s rather with garments patched-up that I’m arrived here, not with knaveries.
MERCURY
Why, you are lying again; you come with your feet, surely, and not with your garments.
SOSIA
Yes, certainly.
MERCURY
Then certainly take that for your lie. He strikes him.
SOSIA
By my troth, I certainly don’t wish for it of course.
MERCURY
But by my faith, you certainly shall have it of course, whether you wish or not: for, in fact, this is certainly my determination, and it is not at your own option. He strikes him.
SOSIA
Mercy, I entreat of you.
MERCURY
Do you dare to say that you are Sosia, when I myself am he? Strikes him.
SOSIA
crying at the top of his voice . I’m being murdered.
MERCURY
Why, you are crying out for a trifle as yet, compared with what it will be. Whose are you now?
SOSIA
Your own; for with your fists you have laid hands on me. Help, help, citizens of Thebes. MERCURY striking him.
MERCURY
What, still bawling, you scoundrel? Speak — what have you come for?
SOSIA
For there to be somebody for you to belabour with your fists.
MERCURY
Whose are you?
SOSIA
Amphitryon’s Sosia, I tell you.
MERCURY
For this reason then you shall be beaten the more, because you prate thus idly; I am Sosia, not you.
SOSIA
aside . I wish the Gods would have it so, that you were he in preference, and that I were thrashing you.
MERCURY
What, muttering still? Strikes him .
SOSIA
I’ll hold my tongue then.
MERCURY
Who is your master?
SOSIA
Whoever you like.
MERCURY
How then? What’s your name now?
SOSIA
Nothing but what you shall command.
MERCURY
You said that you were Amphitryon’s Sosia.
SOSIA
I made a mistake; but this I meant to say, that I was Amphitryon’s associate.
MERCURY
Why, I was sure that we had no servant called Sosia except myself. Your senses are forsaking you.
SOSIA
I wish that those fists of yours had done so.
MERCURY
I am that Sosia, whom you were just now telling me that you are.
SOSIA
I pray that I may be allowed to discourse with you in quietness, so as not to be beaten.
MERCURY
Well then, let there be a truce for a short time, if you want to say anything.
SOSIA
I’ll not speak unless peace is concluded, since you are the stronger with your fists.
MERCURY
If you wish to say anything, speak; I’ll not hurt you.
SOSIA
Am I to trust in your word?
MERCURY
Yes, in my word.
SOSIA
What, if you deceive me?
MERCURY
Why, then may Mercury be angry with Sosia.
SOSIA
Then give attention: now I’m at liberty to say in freedom anything I please. I am Sosia, servant of Amphitryon.