Testimonials about Pete Walker’s first book, The Tao of Fully Feeling, and his website: www.pete-walker.com
I am writing from Survivors of Abuse Recovering (S.O.A.R.) Society, located in Canada. We would like to include “13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks” in our resource manual.
I found myself. I found myself in your words. It’s as if you had unzipped me, stepped inside my traumatized inner self, meandered around a bit, come back outside, and wrote about what you discovered inside of me. For the first time in my life.......and I’m in my fifties now........I don’t feel defective......or crazy.......or “weird”.......or even unlovable. — D.M.
I sat in the San Francisco Airport reading your book (in the washroom, shaking and weeping) to get the courage to go the next leg of the trip. It helped me so much just to know that you live in that area-strange when I haven’t even met you! Your website and book are invaluable to me. — A. R.
I want to thank you so much for all the help you have given me (and all the people I’ve passed your website link onto since finding out about it). Your understanding of emotional flashbacks has made an enormous difference in my life. I’ve gone from being smashed about by huge waves to having a surfboard on which I can ride at least some of them, and even if I fall off into it, I know it won’t last forever. — J, New Zealand
Thank you for all of your educational information with regards to PTSD and abandonment. I have finally found something that I have tried to explain to therapists for years. Every single piece of information is exactly what I experience from my PTSD and attachment depression. — A
I thank you on a personal and professional level. Your articles on healing from CPTSD have excited me and validated me both. I will be a better therapist now, and heal further in my own life. — D
Your article will be one of my regular handouts now to my clients. Needless to say I feel this information and the way you articulate it is a life saver! — L.P
How impactful all you have written has been for me and how much healing I have found in the pages of your website. Like the authors you note in your article on bibliotherapy - I was convinced you would have empathy for me had I the occasion to meet you - and here, in this moment, that belief is powerfully actualized. — J.S.
I have been labeled and diagnosed with everything from panic disorder to separation anxiety and attachment disorder, bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, etc. Then I found a therapist who said I had PTSD from long-term emotional abuse from my father and emotional neglect from my mother and that’s when things really started to click. I feel like everything I have been reading from this website is the final piece to the puzzle that I have been searching for in my journey. It is indeed very empowering and liberating. — A.M.
I’m a long way into my own recovery process now and have recently reached a point of wanting to look back and celebrate how far I’ve come. Your words were just what I needed to see at this time. I feel really seen and understood and appreciated. What a gift. — P.
After a degree in psychology, training in counseling and decades of therapy this is the first time I’ve read something that describes my internal state! — F.K.
I’ve been working with your book for a few years, and for the first time in my life I’m able to be myself and feel a full range of feelings - and my kids are starting to flower due to this hard work. So thank you. — N.A.
I wanted to extend my gratitude for all the information you have made available on complex PTSD. Clearly the best resource on the internet. — J.C.
I found your online articles about 5 years ago, and have consistently come back to them as I work through Complex PTSD with a wonderful therapist. Your words are sturdy and compassionate and direct and I now find life worth living again. P.S. I keep a copy of 13 Steps/Flashback in my purse. — P.B.
This is and will always be a historic day in my life; simply from stumbling onto your articles. Twelve years of huge wastes of treatment time suffering. You’ve nailed it. I’m talking van der Kolk could learn from you. I’ve always hated the psych chatter of how great it is to be able to put a name to this or that or blah, blah. But I stand converted. It is absolutely a miracle to know emotional flashbacks ‘fit’ the ‘thing’. — M.
I’ve read your articles many many times. Particularly on abandonment depression, you have given me hope to refrain from committing suicide. Thank you so much for taking the time to write these exceptional articles on the internet. I cannot thank you enough. — T.M., N. Ireland
I just finished your book. It is powerful and gentle. I am starting your book over now and am using a highlighter as I go through it again. You invite the reader into a warm therapeutic relationship as you write. A beautiful, beautiful book! Thank you — A. R.
I wanted to thank you for sharing your work on your website. It was exactly what I needed to get an area of my life unstuck! Your work is insightful, your suggestions are doable, and most importantly they resulted in achieving the gentle shifts most needed to change my life. — L.K.
Your articles have offered more insight and hope to me as a CPTSD sufferer, than any other, and I am grateful for this and would like to share this knowledge with others. Please could we have permission to publish your articles on www.ptsdforum.org .
Reading your article was like the clouds clearing up and the sun coming out. I’m not crazy, I’m not stupid, I’m not broken forever. I just have emotional flashbacks and it’s not my fault. — M.L.
I’ve never read something that helped me gain such personal insight and clarity to my own life experience. After years of working with coaches, healers, and therapists, I’ve never been able to ‘pinpoint’ what exactly was happening in my own internal processing. I never clearly fit in any ‘box’ or diagnosis... that is, until now. It is such a relief to read these articles and know that what I struggle with ‘makes sense’ based on my difficult life (and childhood) experiences. And it’s an even greater relief to recognize that there are ways to approach and manage this in a positive way. — R.T.
I don’t think it would be an understatement to tell you that your work has possibly saved my life as well as my fiancé’s life. We both have complex PTSD and had both pretty much given up on life. Your material has allowed us to understand what is happening to us. It has really opened my eyes. — M. M.
You are a gift to me and thousands of people who have suffered like me and who struggle to find their anger (it’s coming!), self-protection, self-sorrowing, growth. I am re-building, re-parenting myself. — L.K., U.K.
I just re-read your book and underlined almost the whole thing. I have gotten so much from your web-site and now the book. Three years plus into therapy, I am amazed at how much I have changed. It blows my mind when I read the fawning stuff now, and realize that I don’t really do that anymore. — A.
I have been to counseling, psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual help, you name it; I have tried it. I have many self-help books and online resources. They all give me some helpful information, but, your article gave me more than anything ever has. — J. T.
I have been working in the field of counseling education for 12 years, and I can honestly say, I have never found information and theory such as this before. — C.M., Asst. Professor of Counseling Psychology
I felt compelled to write and thank you for your article on complex PTSD. Reading it has for the first time allowed me to cry real tears from the depths of my body for the pain and loss I experienced on my life journey so far. — M.
COMPLEX PTSD: FROM
SURVIVING TO THRIVING
Pete Walker
COMPLEX PTSD: FROM SURVIVING TO THRIVING
AN AZURE COYOTE BOOK / 2013
www.pete-walker.com
First Edition
Cover Art: P
ete Walker
Copyright 2014 by Pete Walker
ISBN: 1492871842
ISBN 13: 9781492871842
All Rights Reserved
DEDICATION
To my wife, Sara Weinberg. To my son, Jaden Michael Walker.
You both show me on a daily basis that I have escaped my parents’ legacy of contempt, that I can nurture our family with love and kindness and that I am ongoingly healed by the love and kindness that you generously shower upon me.
I also dedicate this book to those who on a regular basis were verbally and emotionally abused at the dinner table, and I pray that this book will help you heal any damage that was done to you and your relationship with food.
And the day came
When the risk to remain
Closed tightly in a bud
Became more painful
Than the risk it took
To Blossom
— Anonymous
When inward tenderness
Finds the secret hurt,
Pain itself will crack the rock
And, Ah! Let the soul emerge.
— Rumi
We are all of us exceedingly complex creatures and do ourselves a service in regarding ourselves as complex. Otherwise, we live in a dream world of nonexistent, simplistic black-and-white notions which simply do not apply to life.
— Theodore Rubin
COMPLEX PTSD:
FROM SURVIVING TO THRIVING
TABLE OF CONTENTS
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
INTRODUCTION
Chapter 1 The Journey of Recovering From Cptsd
Definition Of Complex PTSD
An Example Of An Emotional Flashback
Toxic Shame: The Veneer Of An Emotional Flashback
List Of Common Cptsd Symptoms
Suicidal Ideation
What You May Have Been Misdiagnosed With
Origins Of Cptsd
More About Trauma
The Four F’s: Fight, Flight, Freeze And Fawn
The 4F’s In A Cptsd-Inducing Family
Poor Parenting Creates Pathological Sibling Rivalry
Chapter 2 Levels of Recovering
Key Developmental Arrests In Cptsd
Cognitive Healing
Shrinking The Critic
The Developmentally Arrested Healthy Ego
Psychoeducation And Cognitive Healing
Mindfulness
Emotional Healing
Recovering The Emotional Nature
Emotional Intelligence
Toxic Shame And Soul Murder
Grieving As Emotional Intelligence
Grieving And Verbal Ventilation
Spiritual Healing
Gratitude And Good Enough Parenting
Somatic Healing
Somatic Self-Help
Cptsd And Somatic Therapy
The Role Of Medication
Self-Medication
Working With Food Issues
Chapter 3 Improving Relationships
Forewarning:
Cptsd As An Attachment Disorder
The Origin Of Social Anxiety
A Journey Of Relational Healing
Healing The Shame That Binds Us In Loneliness
Finding Good Enough Relational Help
Parentdectomy And Relational Healing
Learning To Handle Conflict In Relationship
Reparenting
Self-Mothering And Self-Fathering
Self-Mothering Grows Self-Compassion
The Limits Of Unconditional Love
Inner Child Work
Reparenting Affirmations
Self-Fathering And Time Machine Rescue Operation
Reparenting By Committee
The Tao Of Self-Relating And Relating To Others
Chapter 4 The Progression of Recovering
Signs Of Recovering
The Stages Of Recovering
Cultivating Patience With The Gradual Progression Of Recovery
Surviving Versus Thriving
Difficulties In Identifying the Signs of Recovering
Accepting Recovery As A Lifelong Process
Therapeutic Flashbacks And Growing Pains
Optimal Stress
Silver Linings
“The Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living”
The Emotional Imperialism Of “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”
Chapter 5 What if I Was Never Hit?
Denial And Minimization
Verbal And Emotional Abuse.
Theoretical Neurobiology Of The Critic
Emotional Neglect: The Core Wound In Complex PTSD
The Failure To Thrive Syndrome
Emotional Hunger And Addiction
The Evolutionary Basis Of Attachment Needs
Abandonment Stultifies Emotional And Relational Intelligence
De-Minimizing Emotional Abandonment
Practicing Vulnerability
The Power of Narrative
Chapter 6 What is My Trauma Type?
Healthy Employment Of The 4 F’s
Cptsd As An Attachment Disorder
The Fight Type And The Narcissistic Defense
The Charming Bully
Other Types Of Narcissists
Recovering From A Polarized Fight Response
The Flight Type And The Obsessive-Compulsive Defense
Left-Brain Dissociation
Recovering From A Polarized Flight Response
The Freeze Type And The Dissociative Defense
Right-Brain Dissociation
Recovering From A Polarized Freeze Response
The Fawn Type And The Codependent Defense
Recovering From A Polarized Fawn Response
Trauma Hybrids
The Fight-Fawn Hybrid
The Flight-Freeze Hybrid
The Fight-Freeze Hybrid
Self-Assessment
Continuums Of Positive And Negative 4F Responses
Recovery & Self-Assessment
The Fight Fawn Continuum Of Healthy Relating To Others
The Flight Freeze Continuum Of Healthy Relating To Self
Chapter 7 Recovering From Trauma-Based Codependency
Comparing Fawn Origins With Fight, Flight And Freeze Origins
A Definiton Of Trauma-Based Codependency
Codependent Subtypes
Fawn-Freeze: The Scapegoat
Fawn-Flight: Super Nurse
Fawn-Fight: Smother Mother
More On Recovering From A Polarized Fawn Response
Facing The Fear Of Self-Disclosure
Grieving Through Codependence
Later Stage Recovery
“Disapproval Is Okay With Me”
Chapter 8 Managing Emotional Flashbacks
Triggers And Emotional Flashbacks
The Look: A Common Trigger Of Emotional Flashbacks
Internal vs. External Triggers
Progressive Trigger-Recognition
Signs Of Being In A Flashback
More On Self-Medication
Flashbacks In Therapy Sessions
Grieving Resolves Flashback [Step # 9]
Managing The Inner Critic [Step # 8]
Advanced Flashback Management
Flashbacks As The Inner Child’s Plea For Help
Flexible Use Of The Flashback Management Steps
Existential Triggers
Later Stage Recovery
Chapter 9 Shrinking the Inner Critic
Origin Of The Cptsd Critic
14 Common Inner Critic Attacks
Perfectionism Attacks
Endangerment Attacks
Critic-Initiated Flashbacks
Thoughts As Triggers
The Critic As The Shaming Internalized Parents
Facing The Stubbornness Of The Critic
Perfectionism And Emotional Neglect
More On Endangerment
Using Anger To Thought-Stop The Critic
Shame Is Blame Unfairly Turned Against The Self
Embracing The Critic
Thought-Substitution And Thought-Correction
Perspective-Substitution & Correction
Perspective-Substitution And Gratitude
The Neuroplasticity Of The Brain
Chapter 10 Shrinking the Outer Critic
The Outer Critic: The Enemy Of Relationship
4F Types And Outer Critic/Inner Critic Ratios
Passsive-Aggressiveness And The Outer Critic
Refusing To Give Voice To The Critic’s Point Of View
Outer Critic-Dominated Flashbacks
Outer Critic Modelling In The Media
The Critic: Subliminal B-Grade Movie Producer
Watching The News As A Trigger
Intimacy And The Outer Critic
The No-Win Situation
Scaring Others Away
Vacillating Between Outer And Inner Critic
A Case Example Of The Vacillating Critic
The Critic As Judge, Jury And Executioner
Scapegoating
Mindfulness And Shrinking The Outer Critic
When Mindfulness Appears To Intensify The Critic
Thought Substitution & Correction: Supplanting The Critic
Grieving Shortcircuits The Outer Critic
Defueling The Outer Critic Via Working The Transference
Healthy Outer Critic Venting
Road Rage, Transference And The Outer Critic
Chapter 11 Grieving
Grieving Expands Insight And Understanding
Grieving The Absence Of Parental Care
Grieving Ameliorates Flashbacks
Inner Critic Hindrances To Grieving
Defueling The Critic Through Grieving
The Four Processes Of Grieving
1. Angering: Diminishes Fear And Shame
Angering Helps Deconstruct Repetition Compulsion
2. Crying: The Penultimate Soothing
Crying And Self-Compassion
Crying And Angering In Concert
3. Verbal Ventilation: The Golden Path To Intimacy
Theoretical Neuroscience Of Verbal Ventilation
Thinking And Feeling Simultaneously
Verbally Ventilating Alone
Dissociation Deadens Verbal Ventilation
Left-Brain Dissociation
Verbal Ventilation Heals Abandonment
Verbal Ventilation And Intimacy