Praise for Pamela Druckerman’s
bringing up bébé
“Marvelous . . . Like Julia Child, who translated the secrets of French cuisine, Druckerman has investigated and distilled the essentials of French child rearing. . . . Druckerman provides fascinating details about French sleep training, feeding schedules, and family rituals. But her book’s real pleasures spring from her funny, self-deprecating stories. Like the principles she examines, Druckerman isn’t doctrinaire.”
—NPR
“Bringing Up Bébé is a must-read for parents who would like their children to eat more than white pasta and chicken fingers.”
—Fox News
“On questions of how to live, the French never disappoint. . . . Maybe it all starts with childhood. That is the conclusion that readers may draw from Bringing Up Bébé.”
—The Wall Street Journal
“French women don’t have little bags of emergency Cheerios spilling all over their Louis Vuitton handbags. They also, Druckerman notes, wear skinny jeans instead of sweatpants. . . . The world arguably needs more kids who don’t throw food.”
—Chicago Tribune
“I’ve been a parent now for more than eight years, and—confession—I’ve never actually made it all the way through a parenting book. But I found Bringing Up Bébé to be irresistible.”
—Slate
“Engaging work . . . Ms. Druckerman, meanwhile, is easy to like as she relays her insights with stylish humor.”
—Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
“Self-deprecating, witty, informative . . . But however much she admires the ‘easy, calm authority’ French parents seem to possess, will Druckerman manage it herself? Her efforts to do so add a compelling narrative to this fascinating study of French parenting.”
—The Guardian (London)
“In recounting how her three children went native, Druckerman is engagingly self-deprecating. . . . This book is worth its price for the crucial information it reveals about how to win the sleep wars.”
—Daily Mail (London)
“Fascinating . . . gripping . . . extremely funny . . . A desperately needed corrective to received wisdom about child rearing and what having children is supposed to do to a woman’s sense of self. I loved it.”
—The Sunday Times (London)
“I couldn’t put Bringing Up Bébé down! It’s smart, funny, and fascinating, insightful, provocative, and genuinely eye-opening. I love Pamela Druckerman’s honesty, rueful humor, and her premise that parents of all cultures should be able to learn from one another.”
—Amy Chua, author of The Triple Package and Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
“In engaging storytelling prose, American Druckerman describes a French ‘society of good little sleepers, gourmet eaters, and relaxed parents,’ and with her bicultural glasses sees a few telling contrasts, for better or worse, with how she is doing things the American way.”
—Mireille Guiliano, author of French Women Don’t Get Fat
“Living in Paris has allowed American journalist Druckerman a riveting glimpse into a calmer, rational, sage way of raising children. . . . Ever engaging and lively to read.”
—Publishers Weekly
“Druckerman neither sneers at nor fawns over the French way, but approaches the topic with high interest, prodding the advice with the curiosity of a great journalist, then writing it all down with the humor and detail of a great storyteller.”
—Minneapolis Star Tribune
“This is not a shrill or preachy book. It’s a carefully observed memoir tied into a larger conversation about how a less intense—but still structured—parenting style may deliver happier parents and children.”
—Houston Chronicle
“Druckerman’s epiphanies include how months-old French babies sleep through the night via the ‘pause’ technique and, soon after, are taught the art of patience. She demystifies the day care ‘crèche’ and preschool ‘maternelle,’ and how French mothers return to top physical shape (and their jobs) following childbirth. The author is a delightfully droll storyteller with an effortless gift of gab that translates well to the page. She backs up assumptions and associated explorations with historical parenting examples and comparisons that temper her skepticisms with an authoritative air.”
—Kirkus Reviews
“Druckerman, a former Wall Street Journal reporter, set out to determine just what French parents are doing right. . . . Written in a winningly chatty style.”
—Associated Press
“Bringing Up Bébé is a fun read.”
—Entertainment Weekly
“Druckerman embarked on a painstaking study of parenting à la française. The result is amusing, helpful, and charmingly self-effacing. . . . Pamela Druckerman is a charming narrator. . . . A natural neurotic, she has produced an important guide to staying calm, and if half of what she says about Anglophone parents is true, her book should be dispensed on prescription.”
—The Spectator (London)
“Druckerman is right in that the key to enjoying our kids is educating them on how to be more enjoyable.”
—Redbook
“Written with verve and humor.”
—The Bookseller (London)
PENGUIN BOOKS
bringing up bébé
Pamela Druckerman is a contributing opinion writer for the International New York Times and a former staff reporter for The Wall Street Journal, where she covered foreign affairs. She has also written for The Washington Post and Marie Claire. Her books have been translated into twenty-two languages. She lives in Paris.
PENGUIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
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A Penguin Random House Company
Bringing Up Bébé first published in the United States of America by The Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 2012
Bébé Day by Day first published by The Penguin Press 2013
Published in Penguin Books 2014
Copyright © 2012, 2013 by Pamela Druckerman
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
Illustrations © 2012 by Margaux Motin
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA:
Druckerman, Pamela.
Bringing up Bébé : one American mother discovers the wisdom of French parenting / Pamela Druckerman.
pages cm
“Including Bébé day by day: 100 keys to French parenting.”
1. Child rearing—France. 2. Parent and child—France. 3. Child rearing—United States. 4. Parent and child—United States. I. Druckerman, Pamela. Bébé day by day. II. Title.
HQ769.D78 2014
649'.10944—dc23
2014016158
Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the author’s alone.
Version_2
contents
Praise for Pamela Druckerman’s
About the Author
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
note
Epigraph
glossary of french parenting terms
bringing up bébé
french children don’t throw food
Chapter 1: are you waiting for a child?
Chapter 2: paris is burping
Chapter 3: doing her nights
Chapter 4: wait!
gâteau au yaourt
Chapter 5: tiny little humans
Chapter 6: day care?
Chapter 7: bébé au lait
Chapter 8: the perfect mother doesn’t exist
Chapter 9: caca boudin
Chapter 10: double entendre
Chapter 11: i adore this baguette
Chapter 12: you just have to taste it
hélène’s recipe for chocolat chaud
Chapter 13: it’s me who decides
Chapter 14: let him live his life
the future in french
bébé day by day
introduction
Chapter 1: a croissant in the oven
1. Pregnancy Is Not an Independent Research Project
2. Calm Is Better for the Baby
3. Don’t Panic About Sushi
4. The Fetus Doesn’t Need Cheesecake
5. Eat for One (and a Bit)
6. Don’t Borrow Your Husband’s Shirts
7. Stay Sexual
8. Epidurals Aren’t Evil
9. Don’t Stand on the Business End
Chapter 2: bébé einstein
10. Give Your Baby a House Tour
11. Observe Your Baby
12. Tell Your Baby the Truth
13. Be Polite
14. Don’t Stimulate Her All the Time
15. Nudge Her onto a Schedule
16. Baby Formula Isn’t Poison
17. Make Vegetables a Child’s First Food
Chapter 3: rock-a-bye bébé
18. Understand the Science of Sleep
19. Babies Are Noisy Sleepers
20. Do “The Pause”
21. Get Baby in the Mood to Sleep
22. Try the Talking Cure
23. Sleeping Well Is Better for the Baby
24. Don’t Expect Any of This to Work Immediately
Chapter 4: bébé gourmet
26. There Are No “Kid” Foods
27. There’s One Snack a Day
28. Don’t Solve a Crisis with a Cookie
29. You Are the Keeper of the Fridge
30. Let Kids Cook
31. Serve Food in Courses, Vegetables First
32. Everyone Eats the Same Thing
33. You Just Have to Taste It
34. Keep Foods in the Rotation
35. You Choose the Foods, She Chooses the Quantities
36. Variety, Variety
37. Drink Water
38. Looks Matter
39. Talk About Food
40. Have the Day’s Nutritional Balance in Mind
41. Dinner Shouldn’t Involve Hand-to-Hand Combat
42. Eat Chocolate
43. Keep Meals Short and Sweet
Chapter 5: sooner isn’t better
44. Don’t Teach Your Toddler How to Read
45. Don’t Rush the Developmental Stages
46. Teach the Four Magic Words
47. Let Kids “Awaken” and “Discover”
48. Encourage Insouciance
49. Let Your Child Socialize with Other Kids
50. Back Off at the Playground
51. Do Extracurriculars for Pleasure
52. It’s Not Just About Outcomes
Chapter 6: wait a minute
53. Give Kids Lots of Chances to Practice Waiting
54. Slow Down Your Response Times
55. Treat Kids as if They Can Control Themselves
56. Don’t Let Your Child Interrupt You
57. Don’t Interrupt Your Child
58. Observe the French Food Rules
59. Let Them Eat Cake
60. View Coping with Frustration as a Crucial Life Skill
61. Cope Calmly with Tantrums
62. Be Patient About Teaching Patience
Chapter 7: free to be tu and me
63. Give Kids Meaningful Chores
64. Build a Cadre
65. Everybody Needs a Curse Word
66. Hand Your Kids Over
67. Don’t Become a Referee
68. Keep the Risks in Perspective
69. Don’t Raise a Praise Addict
70. Encourage Kids to Speak Well
71. Expect the “Déclic”
72. Let Children Have a “Jardin Secret”
73. Respect a Child’s Space, and He’ll Respect Yours, Too
Chapter 8: cherchez la femme
74. Guilt Is a Trap
75. Show Kids That You Have a Life Apart from Them
76. Don’t Attend Children’s Birthdays
77. Lose the Baby Weight
78. Don’t Dress Like a Mom
79. Don’t Become a “Taxi Mother”
80. You Can Be Happier Than Your Least Happy Child
Chapter 9: finding your couple
81. Your Baby Doesn’t Replace Your Husband
82. Your Bedroom Is Your Castle
83. Be Clear-Eyed About How Hard Kids Are on a Relationship
84. Pretend to Agree
85. 50/50 Isn’t the Gold Standard
86. Treat Men Like a Separate Species
87. Men, Praise Mom for Her Mastery of the Mundane
88. Maintain Some Mystery About Yourself
89. Make Evenings Adult Time
90. Don’t Put a Teepee in Your Living Room
Chapter 10: just say “non”
91. Say “No” with Conviction
92. Say “Yes” as Often as You Can
93. Explain the Reason Behind the Rule
94. Sometimes Your Child Will Hate You
95. Dedramatize
96. You’re Not Disciplining, You’re Educating
97. Do the Big Eyes
98. Give Kids Time to Comply
99. Punish Rarely, but Make It Matter
100. Sometimes There’s Nothing You Can Do
favorite recipes from the parisian crèche
Appetizers and Side Dishes
Carottes Râpées à l’Orange
Velouté d’Artichaut à la Crème
Brocoli Braisé
Main Courses
Potage Complet Lentilles
Saumon à la Créole
Flan de Courgettes
Desserts
Purée de Poire et Banane
Pomme au Four à la Cannelle
Gâteau Chocolat
sample weekly lunch menu from the parisian crèche
acknowledgments
notes
bibliography
index
For Simon,
who makes everything matter
note:
Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.
Les petits poissons dans l’eau
Nagent aussi bien que les gros.
The little fish in the water
Swim as well as the big ones do.
—French children’s song
glossary of french parenting terms
attend (ah-tahn)—wait, stop. A command that a French parent says to a child. “W
ait” implies that the child doesn’t require immediate gratification, and that he can entertain himself.
au revoir (oh-reh-vwa)—good-bye. What a French child must say when he leaves the company of a familiar adult. It’s one of the four French “magic words” for kids. See bonjour.
autonomie (oh-toh-no-mee)—autonomy. The blend of independence and self-reliance that French parents encourage in their children from an early age.
bêtise (beh-teeze)—a small act of naughtiness. Labeling an offense a mere bêtise helps parents respond to it with moderation.
bonjour (bohn-juhr)—hello, good day. What a child must say when he encounters a familiar adult.
caca boudin (caca booh-dah)—literally, “caca sausage.” A curse word used almost exclusively by French preschoolers.
cadre (kah-druh)—frame, or framework. A visual image that describes the French parenting ideal: setting firm limits for children, but giving them tremendous freedom within those limits.
caprice (kah-preese)—a child’s impulsive whim, fancy, or demand, often accompanied by whining or tears. French parents believe it is damaging to accede to caprices.
classe verte (klass vehr-tuh)—green class. Beginning in about first grade, a class trip in which students spend a week or so in a natural setting. The teacher chaperones, along with a few other adults.
colonie de vacances (koh-loh-nee duh vah-kahnce)—vacation colony. One of hundreds of group holidays for kids as young as four, without their parents, usually in the countryside.
complicité (kohm-plee-see-tay)—complicity. The mutual understanding that French parents and caregivers try to develop with children, beginning from birth. Complicité implies that even small babies are rational beings, with whom adults can have reciprocal, respectful relationships.
crèche (khresh)—a full-time French day-care center, subsidized and regulated by the government. Middle-class French parents generally prefer crèches to nannies or to group care in private homes.
doucement (doo-ceh-mahnt)—gently; carefully. One of the words that parents and caregivers say frequently to small children. It implies that the children are capable of controlled, mindful behavior.
doudou (doo-doo)—the obligatory comfort object for young children. It’s usually a floppy stuffed animal.
école maternelle (eh-kole mah-tehr-nell)—France’s free public preschool. It begins in September of the year a child turns three.