and I cannot for the life of me figure out why
but he keeps practicing
even when everyone he runs up on
seems intent on finding ever more creative ways
to tell him how bad he sucks.
Like, if I had a nickel
for every dude who told young Elvis he couldn’t sing
well, I’d still be nowhere near as wealthy as Elvis
especially when you factor in inflation
but I’d have a lot of nickels
which I could put in a sock and hit people with
and in the end, isn’t that what really matters?
But young Elvis don’t care.
He just keeps on losing singing contests
and styling his hair with Vaseline and antigravity
until one day he struts into this record studio
and he gets DISCOVERED.
Now, there is a reason why this happens
and it’s a pretty racist reason.
See, at this time in ancient American history
white people and black people are not on great terms
especially in the South, where Elvis lives.
Black people can’t even see a white CONCERT
and vice versa.
But there are a bunch of white dudes
who REALLY dig the music black people are making.
They just wish it was a white guy singing it, is all
and along comes Elvis
who grew up listening to this music
and has, like, the PERFECT VOICE for it
so the white dudes who own the record label are like
“All right
we can make this work.”
AND MAKE IT WORK THEY DO.
And they also make MANY DOLLARS
and not only that
but when Elvis starts doing concerts
it turns out that he is also SUPER SEXY
like, he starts waggling his hips
because he is actually pretty nervous
but it turns out that with every waggle of his hips
he is also waggling the heartstrings
of EVERY LADY IN THE ROOM.
He waggles their heartstrings so hard
that they start throwing their g-strings at him
and then make him autograph their sexyparts
which, in the 1950s, is anything above the ankle.
So of course he keeps doing these hip-waggles.
In fact, he starts waggling his hips EVEN MORE
and some people don’t approve of this waggling
like devout Christians and stuff
which is funny, because Elvis is also super Christian
he’s just a Christian who likes to waggle.
But all the anti-wagglers in the world
can’t stop Elvis
who gets super rich and well-known
and starts being in movies and stuff
until DISASTER STRIKES:
Elvis Presley gets drafted into the U.S. ARMY.
He’s fine with that, though
because he is a GODDAMN AMERICAN HERO.
So he gets shipped over to Germany for a while
and every time he goes on leave
he records like a million top-selling records
and meanwhile he uses all of his crazy riches
to buy all kinds of swag for his army buddies
like new fatigues, and color TVs, and amphetamines.
He also manages to not get killed, which is good.
Then he comes back home
and wastes seven years on terrible music/movies
until finally he’s like “Wait a second . . .
Didn’t I used to be a total badass or something?”
At which point he puts on a white sequined jumpsuit
rivaling the combined glory of Zeus and Ramses
and he does him some CONCERTS.
I’m sorry, did I say SOME concerts?
I meant ALL the concerts.
This guy is pulling off like 170 concerts a year!
That is too many concerts!
And as if that wasn’t enough
he is also constantly improving his crazy mansion
(Graceland)
which is located at
3764 Elvis Presley Boulevard in Memphis, Tennessee.
Wait
how is ELVIS FUCKING PRESLEY number 3764
on the street that BEARS HIS NAME??
Well, whatever.
The point is that it’s a modern-day pleasure palace
complete with plush purple drapes
an indoor waterfall
and limitless hamburgers.
Elvis likes to sit in the basement
watching three TVs at once
changing channels by shooting TVs WITH GUNS.
CHANNEL SURFING WITH GUNS:
THE MOST AMERICAN ACTIVITY THERE IS.
And as if THAT wasn’t enough
Elvis also gets wayyy into KARATE.
Yeah, he starts learning all these deadly moves
and jumping around and doing karate chops on stage
and at one point
some dudes try to bum-rush him
during a show
and he BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF THEM
BY HIMSELF.
(Also one of his wives bangs her karate instructor
so there’s that.)
But he’s doing WAY TOO MANY concerts/drugs.
He’s only about forty
but he is on so many drugs
that his age is effectively doubled.
His circulatory system is like that party house
where everyone went when you were in college
the one where they never had time to clean the vomit
because of too many parties.
You know what I’m talking about.
Well, even if you don’t, I’m sure Elvis would have.
He’s just stumbling up to the mic at this point
holding on for dear life
slurring his words
like he’s giving a drunken blowjob to a horse.
It’s not pretty
nobody likes it
and his audiences are getting less and less sexy too.
So after selling over seventy-five million records
and topping even more charts with his albums
than with his blood-toxicity levels
Elvis finally goes down.
He dies on the floor of his bathroom in Graceland
with about fifteen different drugs in his system
which is pretty legendary on its own.
But what happens afterward is even more legendary.
So you remember Hercules, right?
You remember how he died
after a long and storied career
because his wife gave him POISON?
But then he didn’t really die
because the gods took pity on him
and put him in SPACE??
Yeah, I think you know where this is going.
Because Elvis may have died of a drug overdose
but he was such a radical musician
that ALIENS took pity on him
and put him
(say it with me now)
INNNNNNNN SPAAAAAAACE.
And to this day, his worshipers perform his rites
dressing in his traditional garb
reenacting his greatest achievements
holding massive conventions in his name every year
saying prayers and bringing offerings
to his f
inal resting place
in the meditation garden at Graceland.
And on top of that
on top of ALL THAT
there’s his name
which is
(say it with me now)
THE KING.
QED, BITCHES.
J. ROBERT OPPENHEIMER IS THE GOD OF GUNS
So this war is going on, right?
What am I saying
there’s ALWAYS a war going on
but guys
I swear this war is different
because World War Two
is a war
TO END ALL WARS.
Now, granted
fighting a war to end all wars
is sort of like
eating a cyanide burger to end all meals
but it’s the thought that counts.
The thought, and also the dead bodies.
But this war has been going on for a WHILE
and everyone’s pretty ready for it to stop
and then some scientists are like “Hey
if you want, we can just make a really big bomb
like, REALLY big
like, big enough to just delete cities
to the point where war is meaningless
and we are all left to contemplate our decisions”
and Germany
who has already put the pedal to the metal
as far as morally questionable decisions go
is like “SHIT YEAH, HUGE BOMBS.”
and they’re like “Wow
Germany is basically a big bag of psychos
if they get this bomb
and no one else has it
they will nuke the entire goddamn world
they might even nuke the moon
there’s no telling with those guys.
Should we stop them?
. . . Nah
let’s just make our own.”
So they make a super secret laboratory
out in a part of New Mexico no one cares about
and they buy a bunch of uranium from Britain
and they get
to
work.
Some of the companies that are supplying them
like DuPont and Standard Oil
and everybody else that liberals hate
are being investigated at this time
for antitrust violations
but NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO INVESTIGATE
WE HAVE TO BUILD A SUPERWEAPON.
So all those antitrust suits get suspended
and these megacorps just get to keep on monetizin’
all so we can build a mass-murder tool more quickly
which is right up there
with making deals with the actual Devil
in terms of major red flags about your goals.
Anyway there are all these scientists
stuck way out in the New Mexico desert
under the management of a guy named Oppenheimer
and everybody’s sort of like “Uhh
are we sure we’re doing the right thing?
Eh, whatever.”
And then they invent this bomb
and they set it off
even though they think it MIGHT end the world
and the explosion
is
AWESOME.
Now, this part is critical
this explosion
is probably the most important moment
in modern mythology
because when Doc Opp sees that explosion
devouring the New Mexican dawn
he looks deep inside himself and he says
“I have become death, destroyer of worlds.”
That’s a quote from the Bhagavad Gita, fyi
and the dude who originally says it is Shiva
ACTUAL GOD OF DEATH.
What I am saying, guys
is that when that bomb exploded in Los Alamos
that was the moment the old gods died
and the new gods were born.
From that point to today, we’ve been on our own.
All that wild shit God did in the Old Testament?
That’s us now
and we are EXACTLY AS IMMATURE as that guy
because check it out:
So the bomb is ready now
and the scientists go to the president like “’Sup”
and President Truman
(who just became president
because FDR died from solving too many problems)
is like “Uhh . . . uhh . . .
fuck it, we’re bombing Japan.”
So two Japanese cities
just crawling with civilians
suddenly get vaporized
by the domesticated finger of god
and the whole world is like “Oh fuuuuuuuuuuck”
and suddenly World War Two is over
and Japan makes a ton of really weird movies
in an attempt to get over the whole thing.
Meanwhile, Russia is pissed
because Stalin is not about to let America
have a monopoly on being God
so Russia makes some nukes
and America makes some more nukes
and Britain makes some nukes
and Russia makes some more nukes
and America makes EVEN MORE NUKES
until finally everyone is like “Okay, okay.
We can all be God, it’s cool.
But we have to promise
never to use these nukes on each other
because if we do
we will all stop being God really fast.
Also let’s keep anyone else from getting these
because they’re probably not as wise as us.”
And so, once again
(although they’re still building more)
and the world entered an era of (relative) peace
and now anytime anyone tries to challenge the gods
by making their own nukes, Prometheus-style
the U.S. totally FREAKS OUT
and buries those guys under troops and bombs
but not nuclear bombs
so it’s okay.
The moral of the story
is never bring a knife to a gunfight
bring the goddamn apocalypse.
OF ALL THE PLACES ALIENS COULD HAVE VISITED, THEY CHOSE ROSWELL
Here’s what the government wants you to believe:
Back in Cold War times
when the U.S. is super nervous about Russian nukes
they come up with a brilliant strategy:
duct tape some microphones to some balloons
put the balloons way up in the sky
and hope that Russia is like “Hey, balloon!
Look over here!
See all these shockwaves?
That’s all our nukes!
Come sabotage them!”
They spend MILLIONS on this.
But the problem is that these million-dollar balloons
are FUCKING BALLOONS
so one day
one of these things is flying over New Mexico
and it pops
AS BALLOONS DO
and the shredded wreckage plummets to the ground
in the middle of some dude’s farm
so this dude finds all this junk on his farm
like rubber, and balsa wood, and Scotch tape.
Some of the Scotch tape has flowers on it.
YUP
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK.
But not only is this balloon thing expensive
it’s also MADDD SECRET
so everyone who saw the balloon go down
is like “WTF is that flying disc?”
(New Mexicans don’t know what balloons are)
and all the newspapers start talking about it
until finally this farmer dude calls the sheriff
and he’s like “Psst:
I think I found one of those flying discs?”
So the sheriff calls the government
and the government shows up on the farm
and is like “Oh man, thanks for finding this
dunno what we would’ve done
without this huge pile of useless garbage”
and they cart it away to the air force base
and presumably throw it in a dumpster, the end.
PRETTY UNLIKELY, RIGHT?
Here’s what really happened:
So back in Cold War times
the U.S. is super nervous about ALIENS
because WHEN ARE THEY NOT
and then some aliens show up
joyriding their flying saucer across the galaxy
(also New Mexico)
and crash right in the middle of some dude’s farm.
This is why you should never drink and drive.
This spaceship is NOT made out of trash
it is made of high-tech material
that only LOOKS like trash
also there are dead and dying aliens in the wreckage
sort of a giveaway
so the government shows up like “Hey, dude
let’s just keep this between us, okay?”
and the farmer dude is like “Yeah, no worries
I’ll just tell them I found a balloon or something”
and the government, being the government
is like “YES, BRILLIANT.”
So they ship the aliens off to the air force base
and instead of trying to establish first contact
they skip straight to cutting them open
learning nothing useful, as far as I can tell.
Considering the dumb crap their ship’s made of
there’s probably not much to learn.
So the moral of the story
is that no matter how you slice it
the government is not super good at its job.
IF YOU HAVEN’T SLEPT WITH MARILYN MONROE, YOU PROBABLY AREN’T IMPORTANT
Now, if there’s one thing a pantheon needs
it’s a goddess of love.
The Greeks have Aphrodite
the Norse have Freya
the Christians have God
(think about how much his name gets shouted)