And Theodore Roosevelt owned two cats named Slippers and Tom Quartz. And Calvin Coolidge owned four cats named Smokey, Blackie, Timmy, and Tiger, which might sound like a lot of cats, but he also kept twelve dogs, two raccoons, and a pygmy hippo, so go figure.
Woodrow Wilson had a cat named Puffins. John F. Kennedy owned a cat named Tom Kitten. Gerald Ford owned a cat named Shan. And Jimmy Carter’s daughter, Amy, owned a cat (another Siamese!) named Misty Malarky Ying Yang, which is very hard to say ten times fast, but I can try . . . Misty Malarky Ying Yang, Misty Malarky Ying Yang, Misty . . .
43 MINUTES LATER . . .
Quick, Kitty! Chatty Kitty is finally taking a breath! Now’s your chance to tell her why you would be the best candidate to vote for!
Ronald Reagan had two cats named Cleo and Sara. Bill Clinton had a cat named Socks. And George W. Bush had a cat named India.
A FISH?!
NO, KITTY! You can’t give Chatty Kitty a fish to convince her to vote for you! That’s known as “buying a vote” and it’s illegal!
*Did you know that there’s a species of mullet known as the “President's Fish”? It’s also known as the “Ludong” or the “Banali,” and it’s close to extinction because of overfishing in the Philippines.
Get rid of the fish, and let’s go to the next house. You should know better than that, Kitty.
I’ll ring the doorbell here.
Look, Kitty! Your opponent Big Kitty lives here! Isn’t that a coincidence! Hi, Big Kitty!
Now, Kitty. That is no way to behave even toward your opponent. Besides, what would happen if someone had a . . .
. . . camera.
Uh-oh.
•CHAPTER FOUR•
MEDIA AND MONEY
Good morning, Kitty. Are you ready for another day of pounding the pavement and knocking on doors for your campaign?
Oh! What’s this, Kitty? Today’s newspaper?
Well, I wouldn’t worry too much about this, Kitty. People will forget all about this soon enough. And once we begin discussing the issues they care most about, I think we can rely on the voters to make an educated decision.
It’s just a good thing there wasn’t a video camera there to record . . .
Hmmm . . . Well, I guess that Big Kitty is a pretty shrewd campaigner after all.
But never mind all that, Kitty. Let’s go out and pound the pavement! Let’s go knock on some . . .
No? Why aren’t you coming with me, Kitty?
Kitty? What are you trying to tell me?
Are . . . are . . . are you FIRING me, Kitty?
Are you serious?
Wow. I really didn’t see that coming.
But how will you run your campaign without me? You need me, don’t you?
Don’t you?
You have your own campaign Web site? But how? You couldn’t have done this yourself. And who would be goofy enough to make a campaign Web site for a CAT? Who would be so irresponsible as to make a campaign Web site for YOU? Who could you have possibly tricked into . . .
Oh.
Am I in
trouble?
WHY DID YOU DO IT?!
Hey, don’t yell at me! The cat offered
me a pretty good-looking fish, and I
was hungry. Besides, a political
campaign can cost a lot of money.
How much money?
Well, in the United States,
some presidential campaigns can
cost more than a billion dollars!
A BILLION DOLLARS! HOLY %#@$.
I know. Candidates have been
known to spend more than a hundred
million dollars just to run for mayor!
So, where do they get all that
money?
Well, some of these guys are pretty
rich to begin with, so they use
some of their own money. But most of
them get donations from people or
groups that really want to see them
get elected.
What kinds of people?
All kinds of people. You don’t have
to be rich to donate. People can
donate just a couple of bucks. But
you can’t donate more than $2,500
to a candidate. That’s supposed to keep
really rich people from controlling an election.
Okay, then what kinds of groups?
Well, some are called PACs or Political
Action Committees.* Those are orga-
nizations that have a specific agenda
and want to get candidates elected
to help them. They can donate as
much as $5,000, but no more.
What do candidates do with all that money?
Well, they need it for traveling and buying ads and commercials for TV. Although not all of those ads come from the candidates.
Who else is there?
There are these so-called 527 Groups* that can collect and spend as much money as they want. They buy ads and commercials and can say anything they want—so long as they don’t
work with or for a candidate.
Smells kind of fishy to me.
Ooh! Sorry, my fish must be done.
Want some?
First of all, Kitty, I can’t believe there are people out there who are goofy enough to send you money. But I suppose if Uncle Murray was goofy enough to make you a Web site so you can find people goofy enough to send you money, then I suppose anything is possible.
Why are you picking up that remote, Kitty? Is it time for Paw and Order or All My Kittens or . . .
No. You didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t.
You did.
Well, Kitty . . . That commercial may be the most revolting thing I’ve ever seen on television.
Kitty, you can’t just make yourself out to be what you think people want to see. If you want to be president, then you HAVE to be honest about who you are.
Plus, voters care about issues. You have to tell voters where you stand on the things they care about most. Have you forgotten all about the stray cat issue? That’s why you were running for president in the first place.
Now, please tell me that you have something more to show that will address the important issues of the day.
“The Coalition to Make Sure That Dogs Are Not Secretly Elected to be President of the Neighborhood Cat Club”?! What the %#@$ is that?
Oh, Kitty, you went and found some 527 Group that would go out there and smear poor Big Kitty just to further your campaign, didn’t you? You know that Big Kitty isn’t really a dog, don’t you?
Don’t give me that big, innocent look, Kitty! I don’t care that you’re not the one who actually made the ad, and I don’t care that you’re not even mentioned in the ad.
You claim to know nothing about the organization that made this ad, but I don’t believe it for a second.
Hello? Yes?
I see.
Okay. I’ll tell her. Thank you.
Goodbye.
Well, Kitty . . . Now you’ll have to put your money where your mouth is. You’ve been invited to have a public debate *with Big Kitty on the day before the election.
That’s right. Now you’ll have to stand before all the voters and explain to them just why you should be their best choice to represent them as their president.
Kitty?
Kitty?
Uh-oh.
•CHAPTER FIVE•
THE DEBATE
How do I
look? Is
my hat
straight?
Good evening, and welcome to the one and only
debate between the two nominees hoping to earn
your vote in tomorrow’s election for president of
the Neighborhood Cat Club.
I’m Strange Kitty, your moderator*
for tonight’s debate.
I will ask each candidate a
question about an
issue that is important to the voters from both
sides of the street. Each candidate will have one
minute to respond after which both candidates
will each have thirty seconds to give a rebuttal,*
or an opposing viewpoint.
We’ll begin with a coin toss to see who goes
first.
Uh-oh.
Wha’s the matter?
I don’t
have a
coin!
Gosh! I don’t have
one either!
What
do we
do?
Hang on! I’ll try to find
something else!
Live
television,
folks.
I found something!
Cool!
What
is it?
It’s my Power Panther
Fan Club Medallion!
Awesome!
Where did
you get it?
They were giving them
out at last week’s San
Francisco Power Panther
Science Fiction and
Comic Book
Convention.
Wait . . . You went
to SanFranPowPan
Sci-FiComicCon . . .
Ummm . . .
Yeah.
Without ME!
Yeah,
but . . .
How could you! You
wouldn’t even be
reading Power
Panther if
not for
me!
Now,
hang on!
I called you,
and you said
you wanted
to stay home
to watch the
Adventures
of AquaCat
24-hour
marathon!
Oh . . . right.
What was I thinking?
I have them all
recorded
anyway.
You do?
I’ve never seen the
one where AquaCat is
hypnotized by Pirate
Puma and eats
melon!
That’s a
good one.
Wanna
come
over to
watch
it?
You bet!
Great! Let’s go to my
place right
after
the . . .
um . . . oh,
right!
The
debate!
Let’s just start with you,
Big Kitty . . .
Where do you stand on
the issue of stray cats
who wander in from other
neighborhoods to live on
our street? Do we welcome
them and let them live here or
do we chase them away? Please keep your response
to one minute . . . starting NOW!
Do you want me
to repeat the . . .
You “like french fries.”
Is that really all you have to say?
You “REALLY like french fries.” I
understand. But the stray cat ques-
tion is a pretty big issue, isn’t it? I
mean, we sometimes get these stray
cats wandering into our neighbor-
hood who want to live here. We live in
nice, warm houses with toys and litter boxes and cool stuff like Power Panther medallions. Should we be expected to share our stuff with these cats who have nothing—nothing at all? Or should we take steps to keep these cats out because we don’t know who they are?
No, I don’t have any french fries.
*sigh*
The same question goes to you, Kitty.
Where do you stand on the stray cats
issue? Do we . . .
Hmmm . . . I tried to write this all
down as you were saying it. Let's
see if I got this right . . .
Something about how “Big Kitty
is really a dog, and dogs smell like
moldy corn chips, and only weirdos
would vote for corn chips.”
But nothing about stray cats. Okay.
And so concludes tonight’s debate. Thank
you so much for watching. Please don’t
forget to vote tomorrow.
Good night.
Psst . . .
You have
fifty-three
minutes left!
Forget it.
•CHAPTER SIX•
ELECTION DAY!
Well, Kitty . . . The big day is finally here. The only thing you have to do now is actually vote here at this polling station.*
Let’s take a look at what the ballot *looks like.
Oh, sure. There’s always a “WRITE-IN”* option. This gives the voter the chance to vote for anyone he or she wants if the official candidates aren’t deemed worthy. Voting is all about choosing, Kitty. And it’s always good to have more options . . . right?
Anyway, it’s your turn to vote, Kitty.
Hello, Strange Kitty. Nice job last night.
Kitty is here to cast her ballot.
Let’s see here . . .
Kitty . . . Kitty . . .
Hmmmm . . .
Sorry, but I don’t see your
name here. Did you register*
to vote?
Kitty! Are you telling me that you never registered to vote? You HAVE to register to vote! Registering is one of the most important responsibilities of being a citizen!
Ya gotta
register!
That’s
important!
WHAT IS VOTER
REGISTRATION?
Voter registration is a process
of collecting all of the names and
addresses of everyone who can vote.
But why do you need to
register?
Well, the main reason is to prevent
voter fraud. The law is that you
can only vote once, and you can only
vote in the area where you live.
Registering to vote creates a
database that ensures that
you only vote one time in the place
where you live, and it makes sure
you’re even allowed to vote.
Really? Are some people not
allowed to vote?
Oh, sure! For one thing, you have
to be over eighteen years old. Sorry,
kids. Also, in the United States you
have to be a citizen of the country.
Plus, depending on the state, if you
commit a felony, a bad crime, you
may not be allowed to vote at all,
even after you get out of prison.
Okay, so how do you register?
It couldn’t be easier. All you gotta do
is fill out a voter registration form.
They’re super easy to find. You can
download them from the Internet. You
can go to your local board of elections.
Usually, you can just go to your local
library or post office and see if they
have any hanging around.
When do you register?
In most states, you have to register
to vote as much as a month before an
election. There are a few states like
Maine and Wisconsin that let you register on the same day you vote, but it’s best to play it safe and register WAY ahead of time . . . unless you live in North Dakota where you don’t have to register at all. I’m not sure why—that’s just how they do
things in the Peace Garden State.
If kids can’t vote, is there any-
thing we can do for an election?
&nbs
p;