We don’t have birthdays.
WAR
I didn’t say we do, Famine. I just said that was what it was like.
GREASER
What do you mean, you haven’t got any steak and kidney pies?
CAFÉ LADY
I thought we did, but we don’t.
GREASER
Well what have you got?
She looks around.
CAFÉ LADY
Pizza.
Greaser looks at Big Ted. Ted thinks then nods. Pigbog says:
PIGBOG
No anchovies.
SKUZZ
Or olives.
Nods of agreement all around.
BIG TED
Yeah, all right. Just no anchovies. Or olives.
The café lady’s been pottering behind the counter, and she is triumphant, if a little baffled.
CAFÉ LADY
I can definitely do you pizza. I’ve got anchovy and olive pizza.
GREASER
Nothing else?
CAFÉ LADY
You could peel off the anchovies. And the olives.
And it’s odd: the boxes of sweets, the sandwiches, the pies that were there when we went in have now all gone.
We can see the video screen reflected in the biker’s black mirrored visor. He’s still winning. Pigbog and Skuzz are puzzled . . .
PIGBOG
I never knew that about the Irish Potato Famine.
SKUZZ
I never knew that about the 1969 San Francisco dope famine.
EXT. THE HAPPY PORKER CAFÉ – STORM, DAY
A dirty white motorbike pulls up in a cloud of black smoke. The exhaust backfires as it comes to a halt, and a pool of black oil drips from the engine.
Pollution gets off the bike and crisp packets and sweet wrappers blow past on the storm.
INT. THE HAPPY PORKER CAFÉ – STORM, DAY,
The trivia game continues. We see the screen: War, Famine, Celebrity Gossip, Pop Music are the categories.
WAR
Weather looks a bit tricky down south.
FAMINE
Looks fine to me. We’ll have a thunderstorm along any minute.
WAR
That’s good. It wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t have a good thunderstorm. Any idea how far we’ve got to ride?
And at this point Pollution enters. The crisp packets are swirling around them as they open the door, then the packets fall to the floor.
FAMINE
A few hundred miles.
WAR
I thought it’d be longer, somehow. All that waiting, just for a few hundred miles.
POLLUTION
It’s not the travelling. It’s the arriving that matters.
(to the café lady)
Four teas, please. One of them black.
CAFÉ LADY
Four of you, are there, dear?
POLLUTION
There will be.
(to Famine and War)
Any sign of him yet?
The video screen categories are now War, Famine, Pollution and Pop Trivia 1962–1979
Question: What Year Did Elvis Presley Die? A) 1981, B) 1977, c) 1974, D) 1991
SKUZZ
It’s B.
PIGBOG
Go on. 1977. That was the year Elvis died.
GREASER
Same year as Marc Bolan.
SCUZZ
And Bing Crosby.
BIG TED
Definitely 1977. Go on. Press the button. It’s the jackpot question.
PIGBOG
Press it.
And then the extremely tall, extremely thin biker in black says, without taking off his helmet, in a dark, huge voice that seems to echo through the room . . .
BIKER
I DON’T CARE WHAT IT SAYS. I NEVER LAID A FINGER ON HIM.
He turns away, leaving his winnings behind him, and heads over to the three by the window. They are looking up, happy to be a team again.
RED
Hello, boss. When did you get here?
BIKER
I NEVER WENT AWAY.
The biker sits down next to them. He doesn’t remove his helmet.
Pigbog, Greaser, Big Ted and Scuzz look at each other meaningfully. Something is happening and they don’t know what it is. And they don’t like it.
BIG TED
So you’re Hells Angels, are you? Cos you look like weekend bikers to me.
GREASER
Big Ted doesn’t like weekend bikers.
PIGBOG
He also doesn’t like anchovies.
SKUZZ
Or olives. None of us do. What are the odds?
BIG TED
Skuzz, shut up. So you’re . . . Hells Angels?
FAMINE
That’s right.
WAR
We’re the originals. The old firm.
POLLUTION
Others promise. We deliver.
BIG TED
You, you can shut your mouth. You’re not Hells Angels. There’s no women angels for a start.
WAR
There’s me.
BIG TED
Yeah? Well, what chapter are you from?
At this the biker, who hasn’t said anything, turns and gets up . . . and up . . . and is now looking down at Big Ted and the others.
And then it lifts its visor.
There is a skull inside the helmet. It doesn’t look like Death in the Discworld movies. It looks like a skull, with some intelligence in the tiny lights in the darkened eye sockets. This is AZRAEL, ANGEL OF DEATH: the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse.
DEATH
REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.
FAMINE
Verses two to eight.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse look at the bikers, and the bikers look away first. This is the first time we’ve really seen the Four Horsemen together and there is something otherworldly and very scary about them.
Then Big Ted says, tapping his leather jacket . . .
BIG TED
You’re on our logo.
DEATH
I GET EVERYWHERE.
The Four Bikers are not smart enough to be properly afraid. Then Big Ted says . . .
BIG TED
What kind of bike are you riding?
EXT. THE MOTORWAY – STORM, DAY
Motorbikes, driving in the storm down an empty motorway. We hear the roar of engines, and the storm. And they come . . .
In the front is Death. Then War.
Then Famine.
Then, moments later, Pollution.
And then it gets quiet. Unearthly quiet.
And, riding together, behind the Four Horsemen, are the four Hells Angels. They are wearing the kinds of helmets that don’t have visors.
PIGBOG
It’s gone all quiet.
SKUZZ
Pigbog, can you hear me?
PIGBOG
Course I can hear you.
SKUZZ
Greaser, can you hear me?
GREASER
Course I can.
SKUZZ
Big Ted, can you—
BIG TED
Yes!
SKUZZ
It’s quiet!
BIG TED
I can hear that it’s quiet.
PIGBOG
Why’s it quiet, then? How can we hear each other? That’s just weird.
GREASER
I fink it’s because we are now mystical beings. Cos we are now the other Four Horsemen—
PIGBOG
Bikers!
GREASER
The other Four Bikers of the Repocalypse!
Pause.
PIGBOG
So what are we then? They’re Famine and War and P’llution and Death . . .
BIG TED
I am War!
PIGBOG
You can’t be War, Big Ted. She’s already War. Pick something else.
BIG TED
I am Grievo
us Bodily Harm. GBH! GBH!
SKUZZ
Can I be Embarrassing Personal Problems?
INT. NARRATOR’S WORLD
The narrator has models of the Four Horsemen. And behind them, a board.
We can see written on the board, FOUR HORSEMEN (crossed out) BIKERS OF THE APOCALYPSE: Famine, War, Pollution, Death.
The narrator is writing up the others:
NARRATOR
. . . Grievous Bodily Harm, Embarrassing Personal Problems, Greaser and Pigbog riding towards Tadfield and the Apocalypse.
EXT. MOTORWAY – STORM, DAY
Again: WIND AND BIKE NOISE! The Four Horsemen riding. They seem less human now: their helmets are full face, but eyes burn like lights behind them.
Then QUIET!
GREASER
I’ll be Cruelty To Animals.
PIGBOG
I’ll be People Taking Selfies.
BIG TED
People Taking Selfies? You can’t be People Taking Selfies. What kind of a Biker of the Repocalypse is People Taking Bleedin’ Selfies?
SKUZZ
Here. I want to change mine. Can I be Things Not Working Properly Even After You Thumped Them?
BIG TED
Yeah. All right. But YOU can’t be People Taking Selfies.
PIGBOG
Then I want to be Really Cool People.
GREASER
Really Cool People?
PIGBOG
Yeah. I hate them. ‘I’m so post-hipster I don’t even use apps any more and I drink beer with no alcohol in it.’ I bloody like the alcohol. Nobody drinks lager for the taste.
SKUZZ
Can I change again? I could be No Alcohol Lager.
BIG TED
No, you can’t. You’ve already changed once.
SKUZZ
I don’t see why he can be Really Cool People and I can’t be No Alco—
BIG TED
Shut it!
INT. NARRATOR’S WORLD
Now the Narrator’s dolls have been replaced with a huge crystal ball, in which we see the action, or a screen, as the bikers ride past . . .
NARRATOR
Death and Famine and War and Pollution rode toward Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You’ve Given Them A Good Thumping But Secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them.
EXT. MOTORWAY – STORM, DAY
We see a MOTORWAY CLOSED sign flashing.
Police cars have their lights on. There are hazard signs up. Orange traffic cones, and beyond that, roadblocks.
There’s an overturned lorry blocking the motorway. And behind it, there’s an enormous pile of fish. Like a huge hill of fish, that the lorry hit before overturning.
There’s a stressed police sergeant trying to deal with things, calling home.
SERGEANT
I appreciate that. But I asked for a bulldozer. I’ve got about forty tons of fish blocking the road. And a lorry.
And here come the Four Bikers of the Apocalypse.
SERGEANT (CONT’D)
Jesus! STOP THEM! No, you can’t! I can’t look . . .
The sergeant covers his eyes. The constable near him watches something happening that we can’t see . . . We hear WHOOSH noises.
CONSTABLE
They didn’t hit it.
SERGEANT
What do you mean, they . . .
DEATH (O.S.)
YOU GO ON AHEAD.
But here come the OTHER Four Bikers . . .
The cops are watching this time. We see their expressions, and hear the carnage, as the bikers hit the fish pile and the lorry . . .
A tumbling of fish.
And we follow the Sergeant’s glance . . .
CLOSE UP on Skuzz, on his back under his bike in a pile of fish.
SKUZZ
My leg. I can’t move my leg!
CONSTABLE
Well, you’re luckier than your friends.
Skuzz glances over. The other three bikers are very dead . . .
Skuzz gestures for the constable to lean in.
SKUZZ
(quietly)
Listen. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
They’re all bastards.
CONSTABLE
He’s delirious, sarge.
SKUZZ
I’m not. I know who I am. I’m People Covered In Fish.
About the Author
NEIL GAIMAN is the bestselling author and creator of books, graphic novels, short stories, film and television for all ages, including Neverwhere, Coraline, The Graveyard Book, The Ocean at the End of the Lane, The View from the Cheap Seats, Norse Mythology and the critically acclaimed, Emmy-nominated television adaptation of American Gods. The recipient of numerous literary honours, Neil has written scripts for Doctor Who and worked with authors and artists including Terry Pratchett, Chris Riddell and Dave McKean, and Sandman is established as one of the classic graphic novels. In 2017, he became a Goodwill Ambassador for UNHCR, the UN Refugee Agency. As George R. R. Martin says: ‘There’s no one quite like Neil Gaiman.’
Also by Neil Gaiman
NOVELS
The Ocean at the End of the Lane
Graveyard Book
Anansi Boys
Coraline
American Gods
Stardust
Neverwhere
Good Omens (with Terry Pratchett)
COLLECTIONS
Trigger Warning
Fragile Things
Smoke and Mirrors
ILLUSTRATED STORIES
The Truth Is a Cave in the Black Mountains (illustrated by Eddie Campbell)
The Sleeper and the Spindle (illustrated by Chris Riddell)
FOR YOUNGER READERS
Fortunately, the Milk (illustrated by Skottie Young)
Hansel and Gretel (illustrated by Lorenzo Mattotti)
Instructions (illustrated by Charles Vess)
Odd and the Frost Giants (illustrated by Brett Helquist)
Crazy Hair (illustrated by Dave McKean)
Blueberry Girl (illustrated by Charles Vess)
The Dangerous Alphabet (illustrated by Gris Grimly)
M Is for Magic (illustrated by Teddy Kristiansen)
NONFICTION
Art Matters (illustrated by Chris Riddell)
Make Good Art
The View from the Cheap Seats
Copyright
Lyric from ‘Climb Ev’ry Mountain’ by Richard Rodgers & Oscar Hammerstein II. Copyright © 1959 by Richard Rodgers & Oscar Hammerstein II. Copyright Renewed. WILLIAMSON MUSIC owner of publication and allied rights throughout the World. International Copyright Secured. All rights reserved.
Lyric from ‘Hound Dog’. Words & music by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller. Copyright © 1956 by Elvis Presley Music/Lion Publishing Company Incorporated, USA. Universal/MCA Music Limited (80%)/Chappell/Morris Limited (20%). All rights reserved.
Lyric from ‘My Favorite Things’ by Richard Rodgers & Oscar Hammerstein II. Copyright © 1959 by Richard Rodgers & Oscar Hammerstein II. Copyright Renewed. WILLIAMSON MUSIC owner of publication and allied rights throughout the World. International Copyright Secured. All rights reserved.
Lyrics from ‘A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square’. Words and Music by Eric Maschwitz and Manning Sherwin © 1940. Reproduced by permission of Peter Maurice Music Co Ltd/EMI Music Publishing Ltd, London W1F 9LD.
“A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square,” Words and Music by Eric Maschwitz and Manning Sherwin © 1940. Reproduced by permission of Peter Maurice Music Co Ltd/EMI Music Publishing Ltd, London W1F 9LD.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
THE QUITE NICE AND FAIRLY ACCURATE GOOD OMENS SCRIPT BOOK. Copyright © 2019 by BBC 20
19. Introduction copyright © 2019 by Neil Gaiman. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.