The third of the Four Horsemen took over when Pestilence retired. They’ve killed as many people as Famine or as War.
White holds up a crown. It’s beautiful and silver and it shines. Black tarnish starts to grow on it where they touch it and, in moments, it has turned black.
Only then do they put it on.
We cut away to see the paper and bubble wrap in the polluted river. We look back. White has gone.
We hear the sound of a motorbike in the background.
414INT. INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS VAN – MORNING
The International Express man gets his clipboard with the instructions on it, and opens an envelope. He reads the note inside.
He looks upset. Then he folds the instructions, puts them in his pocket. We see the word EVERYWHERE on the instructions before they go.
He looks at the leaky pen, drops it, picks up a nicer pen, and a sheet of paper.
He writes ‘Maud, I love you’ on it. Puts the paper on his dashboard.
He gets out of the cab.
415EXT. A BUSY ROAD NEAR A RIVER – MORNING
He looks right. Looks left. Looks sad. And he walks across the road.
VROOM! A huge lorry goes past.
INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN
Whew! That one nearly had me.
And then he looks down. There’s A BODY ON THE GROUND, AND IT’S HIS. It looks like it was hit by a truck. The note that he was meant to deliver is fluttering across the road . . .
INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN (CONT’D)
Oh.
And a voice, deep and dark and resonant, and not sounding overly voice-treated, says, conversationally,
DEATH
I’M AFRAID SO.
Death’s skeletal hand reaches out and catches the fluttering letter.
The International Express man looks up. DEATH is there. The trick in design is going to be not having Death look either comical or like a puppet. A grinning skull, with tiny blue dots like stars in the eyes. We don’t talk in the book about how he’s dressed, this first time, and I think this is the one time he should be in classical Grim Reaper robes, to make the biker costume later stand out, but I can be talked out of this by a designer or costume person with a brilliant alternative.
INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN
I’ve got something for you, sir. It’s not a package. It’s a message.
DEATH
DELIVER IT, THEN.
INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN
It’s just this. ‘Come and see.’
DEATH
FINALLY.
The background, of the bend in the road by the body, has been getting greyer and mistier through this. Now the International Express man is standing in a grey mist . . .
INTERNATIONAL EXPRESS MAN
What does it mean, sir?
DEATH
IT’S A CALL TO ACTION. WAR AND FAMINE, POLLUTION AND DEATH. TODAY WE RIDE. NOW . . .
Pull back. The grey mists are parting and there’s nothing but darkness and stars.
DEATH (CONT’D)
DON’T THINK OF IT AS DYING. THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.
416EXT. ANATHEMA’S COTTAGE – DAY
Adam, with the Them behind him, knocking on Anathema’s door.
Anathema opens the door. We can hear Radio Four playing in the background. She looks like she hasn’t slept for a day or two.
She looks down. It’s the kids. She smiles.
ANATHEMA
Hello, Adam.
ADAM
These’re my friends. Pepper and Brian and Wensleydale.
ANATHEMA
Um. Hello.
Adam nods.
ADAM
Have you got any more of the New Aquariums? Cos, we need to know everything.
ANATHEMA
You read the ones I gave you already?
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
Um. Sure. Hold on. Would you like candy? It’s carob, not chocolate, and—
BRIAN
We don’t take sweets from—
PEPPER
Witches.
WENSLEYDALE
I do.
He takes a sweet. The other kids look at each other. They shrug. Then they put out their hands.
As Anathema gives them the carob sweets, we move over to the radio. We can hear an interview going on . . . The spokesperson is probably Hortense from the power station.
JAMES NAUGHTIE (V.O.)
And precisely how much nuclear material has escaped?
We wouldn’t say escaped. Temporarily mislaid.
JAMES NAUGHTIE (V.O.)
Surely you have considered that this has to be terrorist activity?
417INT. NEWT’S CAR – DAY
Newt is driving his sad little car (with DICK TURPIN hand-painted on the back) down Madame Tracy’s road. We see how sad the car is. But Newt looks quite excited. He pulls up and parks around the back . . .
ELECTRIC SPOKESMAN (V.O.)
Yes. All we need to do is find some terrorists who are capable of taking an entire nuclear reactor out of its can while it’s running and without anyone noticing.
JAMES NAUGHTIE (V.O.)
But you said the power station is still producing electricity . . .
And then Newt sits in the car, puzzled, listening to the radio.
ELECTRIC SPOKESMAN (V.O.)
It is.
JAMES NAUGHTIE (V.O.)
How can it still be doing that if it hasn’t got any reactors?
ELECTRIC SPOKESMAN (V.O.)
We don’t know. We were hoping you clever buggers at the BBC would have an idea.
Newt turns it off.
418INT. MADAME TRACY’S FLAT HALLWAY – DAY
Newt knocks on the door. It’s opened by Madame Tracy, dolled up as a medium, looking as mystic as she can.
MADAME TRACY
(spookily)
Enter of your own free will, and together we will part the veil between this world and the next.
NEWT
It’s me, Newt.
MADAME TRACY
(normally)
Just getting into the mood, dear. I’ve got a seance this afternoon. I’m feeling very ectoplasmic already.
NEWT
I’m sorry I’ll have to miss it. I’m off on a mission.
Newt glances at the scrap of paper by the phone in the hallway.
CLOSE UP on the paper, in Shadwell’s handwriting: ADAM YOUNG, 4 Hogback Lane, TADFIELD.
MADAME TRACY
It’s all a bit of fun, dear. But I do put on a remarkable show. I’ve got Mr Scroggie and Vera Ormerod coming in after lunch, so it’s off with the frilly undies and back to polishing my crystal ball . . . That sounded somewhat ruder than I had intended.
She opens the door to Shadwell’s flat.
MADAME TRACY (CONT’D)
Cooo-eee! Mr Shadwell. Ooh. You’re looking rather posh.
For Shadwell is wearing his witchfinder’s uniform. It’s like a misbegotten combination of the Salvation Army and a Victorian Officer, with a Puritan aesthetic.
SHADWELL
Get out of here, Hoor of Babylon. This is army business.
She pointedly straightens Newt’s collar before she goes.
SHADWELL (CONT’D)
Ten-shun!
Newt looks around to make sure Shadwell’s talking to him, then shuffles into attention.
Behind Shadwell on the wall is an ancient, stained map of the UK. ‘Jerusalem’ is playing in the background.
SHADWELL (CONT’D)
This is our country. It’s under our protection. I wish I was goin’ wi’ ye. I’m too old now. No more lying in the bracken spying on their evil ways. It’s all up to you, now, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer.
NEWT
Shouldn’t there be a few more of us? If we’re protecting the whole country from witches?
Shadwell is opening a dusty glass display case.
SHADWELL
Nobody ever said it would b
e easy, Private Pulsifer. Here. Put this on.
And from the display case he produces a dark jacket: it’s very old, and is a lot like the one Shadwell is wearing. It has WA on the lapel, and tarnished gold buttons.
Newt hesitates. Shadwell growls.
SHADWELL (CONT’D)
Put. It. On.
And, awkwardly, Newt does. Shadwell nods approvingly.
If Terry was still alive, he’d make a point of telling me that this should be shot like every war movie, where the weapons are getting checked, loaded, before our team head out to certain death. So I am writing it instead. Weapons porn. Shadwell is handing over things he is taking from the cabinet.
SHADWELL (CONT’D)
Pendulum of discovery.
Newt takes it and pockets it while repeating:
NEWT
Pendulum of discovery.
SHADWELL
Thumbscrew.
Newt does not like the thumbscrew . . .
Um, I really don’t think . . .
SHADWELL
THUMBSCREW.
NEWT
Thumbscrew.
A packet of firelighters.
SHADWELL
Firelighters.
NEWT
I’m not actually prepared to burn anybody—
SHADWELL
FIRELIGHTERS.
NEWT
Firelighters.
Shadwell produces a budgie bell, a birthday candle, and a dog-eared copy of Little Prayers for Tiny Hands.
SHADWELL
Bell, book and candle.
NEWT
Bell, book and candle. What are they for?
SHADWELL
You may need to exorcise a demon.
NEWT
How do I do that?
SHADWELL
Ring the bell. Light the candle.
NEWT
Read the book?
SHADWELL
There’ll be no time for light reading when you’re under demonic attack, laddie. Just wave it around a bit.
Finally, the high point of the scene, in its presentation box, Shadwell presents THE PIN.
SHADWELL (CONT’D)
And finally . . . PIN!
NEWT
Pin?
Shadwell takes the pin from its box and puts it into Newt’s lapel.
SHADWELL
It’s the bayonet in your army of light.
NEWT
Right. Well, off to Tadfield then.
SHADWELL
Off ye go, Witchfinder Private Pulsifer. May the armies of glory march beside ye.
He salutes. Newt hesitates, then salutes him back.
419EXT. STREET – DAY
Newt is driving away. He turns on the radio. The music begins . . .
He throws first the thumbscrew, then the firelighters out of the window.
A beat, and the car reverses.
CLOSE UP as Newt drops the firelighters into a roadside dustbin. He drives off . . .
GOD (V.O.)
The world was changing. What Adam believed was true was beginning to happen in reality.
420INT. TIBETAN TUNNEL – DAY
We see, in cross-section, like a glass-walled vivarium, a tunnel. A long tunnel, and then a space big enough for two people to sit.
The two people are Tibetan actors, speaking in Tibetan, with subtitles. A man and a woman, both middle aged. They have spades leaned against a wall. And they are on their tea break, drinking tea from bowls.
TIBETAN 2
We must tunnel and observe. We are secret masters.
TIBETAN 1
I run a nice radio repair shop in Lhasa. I just stopped for tea, and then I was here, dressed like this.
TIBETAN 2
Tell me about it. I was selling railway tickets in Shigatse . . . Oh! Tea break’s over.
They pick up their shovels . . .
CUT TO:
421EXT. TADFIELD VILLAGE – DAY
Newt is driving. He’s heading into Tadfield, passing the village green . . .
As he drives he’s talking to himself, doing different voices . . .
NEWT
Man with a pin. Nobody move, I’ve got a pin. I’ve got a pin, and I’m not afraid to use it . . . Have Pin, Will Travel. The Pinslinger. The Man with the Golden Pin. The Pins of Navarone. Pins ’n’ Roses . . .
And we pull back because, dear god, we are looking at a FLYING SAUCER, descending from the sky in front of us. It’s a big silver classic saucer ship, like the Dalek saucers in Doctor Who.
Newt slams his foot down on the brakes. He looks up at the saucer. A door opens. Blue light floods out.
Three shadowy figures stand in the door. ALIEN TOAD. GREEN ALIEN. And THE PEPPERPOT, who looks like a cross between R2D2 and a Dalek.
A ramp comes down, and the Pepperpot waves its weapon arms, then zooms down it, and falls over at the bottom. It makes pissed-off beeping noises. The other two ignore it, and the alien toad steps over it. They walk like cops. In everything they do, they behave exactly like vaguely grumpy cops. NO VOICE TREATMENTS.
The toad raps on Newt’s car window, and Newt winds it down. The green alien walks over to a tree. Kicks it. Takes a leaf and scans it with some alien complex gadget.
TOAD
Morning, sir, madam or neuter. This your planet, is it?
NEWT
Yes. I suppose so.
TOAD
Had it long, have we?
NEWT
Not personally. I mean, as a species, about half a million years. I think.
TOAD
Been letting the old acid rain build up, haven’t we, sir? Been letting ourselves go a bit with the old hydrocarbons, perhaps?
NEWT
I’m sorry?
TOAD
Could you tell me your planet’s albedo, sir?
NEWT
I don’t know what that is.
TOAD
Well, I’m sorry to have to tell you, sir, that your polar ice caps are significantly below regulation size for a planet of this category, sir. We’ll overlook it on this occasion, sir. The fact is, sir, that we have been asked to give you a message.
NEWT
Oh? Me?
TOAD
Message runs: ‘We give you a message of universal peace and cosmic harmony an’ suchlike.’ Message ends.
NEWT
Oh. That’s very kind.
TOAD
Have you got any idea why we have been asked to bring you this message, sir?
NEWT
Well, er, I suppose, what with Mankind’s, er, harnessing of the atom and—
TOAD
Neither have we, sir. Neither have we.
He turns to go back to the saucer.
GREEN ALIEN
CO2 level up 0.5 percent. You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don’t you?
NEWT
Sorry. Thank you! Sorry.
The aliens stop to pick up the fallen Pepperpot, and wheel him up the ramp.
Newt, stunned, dials Shadwell on his old mobile phone.
CUT TO:
422INT. SHADWELL’S FLAT – DAY
Shadwell, baffled, on the phone in the hall.
SHADWELL
You what?
NEWT
I just got. Pulled over. By aliens.
SHADWELL
Did you count their nipples?
NEWT
I didn’t think . . .
SHADWELL
You’re a witchfinder. Not an alien . . . finder. But I’ll . . . make a note of it.
423EXT. TADFIELD LANE – DAY
Adam and co. are walking down the lane. They’ve bought ice lollies and such. Wensleydale is holding forth:
WENSLEYDALE
Actually, I don’t know if this is in your New Aquarium magazines, but I was thinking, we ought to save the whales.
BRIAN
If we save enou
gh do we get a badge?
PEPPER
That joke wasn’t funny when your dad made it.
WENSLEYDALE
Whales can sing, actually. And they have big brains. And there’s hardly any of them left.