also by najwa zebian
Mind Platter
The Nectar of Pain
contents
I the burning
II turning to ashes
III sparks of phoenix
IV the rising
V the soaring
VI a new chapter
an invitation
acknowledgments
about the author
prologue
To heal from your pain
now,
you need to go all the way back
to chapter one.
To page one.
To the beginning
of how it all began.
For every ending,
there is a
once upon a time.
For every broken soul,
there is a
once upon a happy soul.
For every phoenix soaring,
there is a phoenix
burning,
turning to ashes,
rising,
then soaring.
Let me hand you the matches
to ignite the glory
within your soul.
Let me be the one
who burns to ashes
as you spark in your darkest of nights.
As you rise.
As you soar.
You lit my soul
on fire
and told me
to watch it burn.
He asks me:
“What do you want from me?”
I stare at him in silence
with tears fighting to stay
buried inside my eyes,
with thoughts swirling in my mind
like a hurricane.
“What do you want from me?” he asks
over and over.
I am confused because
I know and
I don’t know.
You were the one
who knocked on my door.
You were the one
who wouldn’t allow me to close my door.
He told me
that he loved how
I made him feel.
Back then,
I put my self-worth
in his hands
and told him
“Be the master.”
He attached strings to my self-worth
and played with me
like a marionette.
I used to look at those in pain
and think
they are choosing to be in pain
until pain chose me
and I understood the taste
of feeling pain
that you cannot control.
I see myself crumbling
and my wings
becoming weaker and weaker,
but there is nothing I can do.
It feels like
there is poison running through
my veins
and I am letting go
one breath at a time.
I go back and forth
between being angry with you
and falling back into the moments
I fell in love with you.
One moment,
I want to scream at you,
the next moment,
I want to tell you
I love you.
My heart crumbles
into my aching soul
because I know that
I will never get the answer,
but all I want to ask you is:
Why did you ask me to love you
when you had no intention
of loving me?
You don’t know
how dangerous it is
for me to see you.
I start living time
in reverse.
My anger with you
starts to fade.
My hatred for what you did
begins to escape.
And I arrive right at the moments
when I fell in love with you.
Run away
because that is what you do best.
You break a heart then
run away.
You shatter a soul then
run away.
You say that you no longer care,
and you think that makes you strong.
Don’t you know that
the greatest act of courage is to love?
What a fool you are for running away.
My soul has been burning
for a while now.
Pain has become
my new normal.
I cannot differentiate between
excruciating pain
and pain that feels
less painful.
It’s all the same.
After all this time,
I wonder how you’re doing.
My bones tell me
to be angry with you
for walking away when you
promised not to.
But my heart pretends
to understand you
and gives excuses for you.
Do you miss me?
Or did I become like
one of the streets in
one of the cities that
you once visited:
a distant memory
that you don’t remember unless
you see a picture of me
or read a poem that you once
allowed your heart to write
to me
or
about me?
My heart hurts,
and I am not sure
which part of it
is aching the most.
I do not want anyone to tell me
to stop feeling the pain.
I do not want anyone to tell me
to let things go.
I do not want anyone to tell me
I am overthinking this.
I just want someone to
love me through this.
I saw you from a distance
and felt sad.
I knew you wouldn’t come to me
like you used to.
But you did come to me
like you used to
and lay by my side
like you used to.
You ran your fingers
across my face
and the creases of my hands
like you used to.
You were gentle with me
and took a few moments
to look deeply into my eyes
like you used to.
My soul flooded with happiness,
but soon I woke up
from my dream
because you no longer love me
like you used to.
If your heart hurts a little after letting go of someone or something, that’s okay. It just means that your feelings were genuine. No one likes endings. And no one likes pain. But sometimes we have to put things that were once good to an end after they turn toxic to our well-being. Not every new beginning
is meant to last forever. And not every person who walks into
your life is meant to stay.
You seek pain as if
it�
��s going to save you.
You dip into sadness
as if it’s going to bring you joy.
You expect that loving
the night will make
your days better,
and that loving the rain
will make the sun shine brighter.
You expect that diving
into the ocean
will get you to the shore of sanity
faster.
Perhaps we live life in opposites.
To feel one thing,
we seek the other.
To become a masterpiece,
we seek to be undone,
to create a self
so delicately stitched together,
it cannot be compared to another.
I am burning
to ashes,
hoping to rise one day.
Every time he asked me
“Who do you think you are?”
the ashes that I was
burning into
would answer:
“I am no one.”
I bled,
almost to death.
Almost.
You make the mistake
then blame me for it.
You say I pushed you
to be angry.
And every time I try to apologize,
you don’t accept my apology.
That’s called gaslighting.
If they take advantage of your vulnerability, they should be ashamed, not you. Vulnerability takes courage. Taking advantage takes cowardice. And though the world may be filled with people ready to take advantage of your purity, don’t let them taint your heart. The world might bring you down for being your kind self, but don’t let that change you. The world might push you to believe that there is no place for good people, but don’t let that stop you from believing in goodness. And if you struggle with the darkness out there, the world might convince you that you’re too sensitive. But don’t let that stop you from feeling. If feeling the pain of unfairness makes you sensitive, then may we all be sensitive. What I’m trying to say is, if you make the choice to be a good person regardless of how the world treats you in return, be proud of that. It makes you a hero. A gem. A true human.
Through all of the pain
that your heart is drowning in,
your heart is still beating.
It is resilient, and
so are you.
Learn from that.
I run from
place to place,
wanting to belong,
wanting to find a home.
When will I learn that
my home is within me
and it comes with me
everywhere I go?
You think that time will change them. It won’t. You think that they’ll realize their mistakes with time and run to you for forgiveness. They won’t. They will not. They. Will. Not. Let it sink in. Narcissists always believe that they are right. Once you become nothing to them, you are absolutely nothing. And after you expose their true colors, they start seeing you as the devil and run the other direction when you should be the one running away, further making you feel like you’re not worthy of their presence. It will bother you that they can be so heartless when they are the ones at fault. But remember: At least you have a heart. At least you can feel. Be grateful for that.
I saw you,
and you looked like the weight
of the world was on your shoulders.
I felt guilty and
wanted to ask you
how you were doing.
But my heart reminded me:
You’re the one who chose to leave.
You’re the one who chose to hurt me.
You’re the one who chose the end.
So I will let you deal with this pain
on your own.
If you deserved my care,
you would have loved me
when you had the chance.
So I put my heart together and
I walked away,
not because I didn’t care
but because the heart that you broke
couldn’t handle being broken again.
What is worse
than destroying someone
is making them believe
it was their fault.
That’s what you did to me.
They mutilate your soul
by silencing
your voice.
So anytime you try
to speak,
you feel
their silence
overcoming you.
If you’re silent,
you choke on pain
that they make you feel.
And if you speak,
that they make you feel.
Sometimes we give love to the wrong person, and we wonder: How could I have given love to that person? What a waste of time. You shouldn’t think about it this way. Instead, think of the fact that you were able to give love, because if you are able to give it, that means you have it within you. It is what makes you. And the same is true with kindness, honesty, and compassion. These things show who you are. Don’t focus on the way people abuse your virtues. Focus on the fact that you have them. They make you a beautiful person, a beautiful human being. Before you think, I wish I hadn’t given love, or, I wish I hadn’t been kind, consider what those gifts say about you.
Sometimes I feel
my soul so heavily,
as if it’s a burden
on the air I breathe.
Pain comes when it comes,
not when you’re ready for it.
And it leaves when it leaves,
not when you want it to.
When I tell you that
my pain falls asleep with me
and wakes up with me,
believe me.
Don’t tell me I chose this pain.
No one chooses
this.
I was learning to throw pebbles,
and you gave me mountains
to carry.
I feel crippled every time
I think back
to how you silenced me.
I hate thinking of you
when you loved me.
It makes me
want to love you again.
What you tell your mind to avoid
is what your heart is truly seeking.
When we must let go of someone we love, we often wonder: Why can’t they love me? Is something wrong with me? Am I not good enough? We start to equate our self-worth with how willing they are to love us, when the truth could be that it simply wasn’t meant to be. The person who is meant for you, the person who is meant to give you the kind of love that you need, and, more importantly, the kind of love that you deserve, could be somewhere out there just waiting for you to notice them. Stop fixating on someone who gave you a feeling for a short period of time. You don’t deserve to spend the rest of your life convincing someone of why they should love you.
Don’t let your heart become numb. No matter how much pain you’re going through, the solution should never be to become numb. The solution is to accept that any harm that was aimed at you is not your fault. And the pain that others choose to inflict on you is not because of who you are but because of who they are. If you become numb just to avoid the pain, then you won’t be able to feel happiness either. Feel the pain, and resist the temptation to avoid it. If you can do that, you’re a hero.
Stop setting yourself up for failure.
Don’t give them a chance
to put you down.
Make the choice
to walk away,
and if you’ve already left,
decide that you’ll never
go back.
Fall asleep with nothing
but love and forgiveness
in your heart.
What’s meant for you
will be there for you
tomorrow or the day after.
Trust your journey.
Rest your soul.
I know that forgiveness is best,
but I hope that you never ask
for mine,
because
I don’t believe
I am ready to forgive you.
I will feel like I have to
because
that is who I am.
My heart aches if I don’t forgive
when I am asked,
and you’ve gotten used to asking.
You make mistakes
because
you know that I will forgive them.
Stop accepting less than what you deserve.
It does not make you a better person
unless you sacrifice for humanity—
not people who don’t know
how or when
to stop taking.
When they don’t like
that you speak the truth,
they will try
to change your reality.
They will create a world
where your truth
is considered insanity.
Does my name remind you
of me?
Or does it remind you
of the pain you caused me?
Do my words remind you
of why you loved me?
Or of the lies you made up about me?
Is that why you avoid me?
Is that why you block
every opportunity
to see me
or hear my name?
What a shame it is
for you to run away from
the truth of what you did to me
when I should be the one
running away from you.