Buy him low alcohol beer, Rhia,
Knit him a sweater, Loretta,
Tell him he’s not as good in bed as your ex, Becks
Just get yourself free.
Find a new fella, Stella,
Focus on your career, Maria,
Refuse to do it on the kitchen table, Mabel
And give him the big E.
You know, dear, it grieves me so to see you in such pain. I’ll pour that Spam Masala safely down the drain while I endeavour further to explain about those 50 ways to leave your husband…
Just pack all your bags, Mags,
Bore him to death, Beth,
Tell him the truth, Ruth
There’s no need to shout.
Tell him you’re pregnant again, Gwen,
Spoil Match of the Day, Faye,
Stick his hand in the blender, Brenda
And get yourself out.
Now, I suggest you get a good night‘s sleep, dear, and in the morning everything will be quite clear. But if not, just have another glass of beer. After all, there must be 50 ways to leave your husband…
Find a toyboy, Joy,
Get a ticket to Scarborough, Barbara,
Say you’ll do anything for love but you won’t do that, Pat,
And start a new life
Put his porn in the bin, Lynn,
Change the locks while he’s at a Monster Truck Rally, Sally,
Let him walk in on you with the man from the garden centre on ya, Tonya,
And stop being his wife
Well, I do hope that helps you with the task you have at hand, and you’ll have no trouble removing that golden band. I apologise that my poem rarely scanned. And that there were only 24 ways to leave your husband.
In Conclusion…
Marriage isn’t a bowl of cherries. It isn’t all drinking pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Marriage is joy and sadness, pleasure and pain. And more pain and more sadness. Marriage is that look of love in your husband’s eyes when he arrives home at three in the morning, accompanied by the local constabulary and a monkey. Marriage is sharing a private joke together at your children’s expense. Marriage is swings and roundabouts, see-saws and slides, cider bottles and syringes. Marriage is watching your husband while he sleeps, and him watching other women while they sleep. Marriage is chaos and calm, laughter and tears, bangers and cream and strawberries and mash. It’s give and take, hide and seek and hit and run. But above all, marriage is about wanting to share your life with someone you really, truly love but staying with your spouse instead, no matter how much they irritate and ignore you.
Hopefully now, after reading this book, you’ll know exactly what it means to have an Almost Perfect Marriage and, despite all the statistics, you’ll be much closer to having an Almost Perfect Marriage of your own. It has been an absolute delight to share my marital experiences with you. I hope it has been a help to you – I know I feel much better now, thank you.
My sincere love and sympathy,
Edna Fry (Mrs)
Index
Publisher’s note – Owing to tight publication deadlines, there was insufficient time to assign page numbers to the following subjects or to place them in strict alphabetical order. We hope this doesn’t affect your enjoyment of this index.
A
Anatomically disproportionate
Aphrodisiacs
Acts – of God, theatrical, unnatural
Agricultural role-play
Asthma attack or indecent phone call?
Arousal by domestic household items
B
Back passages – securing against unwanted visitors
Bay – windows, leaves, watch
Bridal wear
Bridle wear
Blancmange – alternative uses
Buttocks – alternative uses
Best place to – meet a prospective spouse, put an 18th century vase, dispose of a body
Burns – cigarette, carpet, George
C
Cybersex
Cider sex
Chandeliers
Cucumbers
Cuffs – shirt, hand, genital
Coffee Tables
Clenching
Chocolate spread – how much to use and where to smear it
D
David Dimbleby
E
Elephantine
Edible undergarments
Eternal youth – the secret of
Emissions – carbon, nocturnal
Enhancement – surgical
Even strokes
Exes – a guide including artex, latex, spandex
Excessive seepage and how to staunch it
F
Friction
Full-frontal photographs
Flanelling
Fundamentally wrong, even in Thailand
Fumbling
Funnel grunting – definition and diagram
Fig rolls
Feather dusters
G
G-spot – exact location
Girth
H
Habits – disgusting, nuns’, disgusting nuns’
How to keep your man completely satisfied
How to keep your woman completely satisfied
How to keep your next-door neighbour completely satisfied
Hostess trolleys – uses and abuses
I
Inappropriate nuzzling
Inappropriate nozzling
Inflatable – castles, dolls, Dannii Minogue
In-bred
In bread
In-laws – getting on with, getting off with
Insertion
Illegal, even in Amsterdam
J
Jaw-dropping pictures
K
Kettling – where to insert the spout
Kinky or quirky?
L
Lottery – how to win it every week. A foolproof system.
Libido
Ludo
Livestock
Living room
Leg room
Length
Little black book – complete contents of Stephen’s
Lying back and thinking of England
Leaning forward and thinking of England
Looking
Lurking
Leaking
M
Mind-blowing you-know-what
Mind-numbing you-know-what
Meaning of life, the – definitive answer to
Multiple – births, partners, items in the bagging area
Multiple orgasms and how to avoid them
Multiplex orgasms and how to avoid them
N
Nipple clamps
Night vision goggles
Nether regions
O
Orgies – etiquette and catering
Orders – religious, restraining, last
Oddly-shaped
Oblong (see oddly-shaped)
P
Protrusions
Penetration
Pop-up section
Post-coital cuddling
Post-coital cigarette
Post-coital coitus
Putting up with it
Q
Quacking at inappropriate moments
Queuing – for the bathroom, for the bus, for her at number 38
R
Rigidity
Rashes
Rashers
Rubber – gloves, ducks, nurse’s outfit
S
Stains – stubborn, suspicious
Stickiness
Snorkelling
Snuggling
Smuggling
Soaping down
Soaping up
Skirting – boards, the issue, the tissue
T
Table – decorations, cloths, dancers
Three – course dinner, piece suite, somes
Treacle
Tickling
Trickling (see treacle)
Tugging too hard
U
Unexpected guests
Unexpected gusts
Unacceptable behaviour
Under no circumstances is that thing coming anywhere near me tonight
Unsightly blemishes
Una Stubbs
V
Vaseline
Vibrations – good, bad, ugly
Vaguely familiar – acquaintances, family members
W
Water – works, proofs, bed, boarding
Weapon – concealed, congealed, using you-know-what as a
Wedded bliss and how to guarantee it
Wet room
Wriggle room
Wrong on so many levels
X
Xeroxing – divorce papers, genitalia
XL, L, M or S? The importance of size, particularly when xeroxing
Z
Zebra crossings and other dangerous places to do you-know-what
Zookeepers’ uniforms
Y
Yodelling at the crucial moment
Yawning at the crucial moment
Y-fronts
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