TENT BOY, GRUMPY PIGEON MAN, AND THE DESTRUCTOR
As soon as we get home, Grumpy Pigeon Man and I move all the pigeons back to their aviary.
I can tell how happy they are by their soft coos and happy little flutters. Peanut is happy, too, because he’s with us in the aviary sitting very still because Finn is perched on his head. Smarty Pants meows at the fence.
Grumpy Pigeon Man pulls up a bucket and sits. I do the same. He reaches his hand out and Han Solo flies over.
“You did good, Tent Boy,” he grumps at me. He’s the only person I know who can say something nice but sound grouchy about it. And then a smile as wide as the widest river (the Amazon) stretches across Grumpy Pigeon Man’s face. “I mean it.”
We sit without talking for a minute.
“I hear Jake starts at your school in September.”
I nod. “He’s going to be great. Don’t you think?”
Grumpy Pigeon Man nods. “I do. He’s really growing up.” Then he frowns. “Except for that paint business today. But I’m sure he won’t do anything like that at school.”
At this very moment, Jake streaks through Grumpy Pigeon Man’s yard. “I don’t want a bath!” he screams, and crashes into the aviary. He’s wearing Dad’s old white bathrobe and a white shower cap on his head, and he’s carrying a bucket and a big spoon. Jake hides behind me. “Don’t tell her I’m here.”
“What’s with the new outfit?” I ask.
“It’s good, right?” He smiles. “I’m Maggot Man!”
“Jake!” Aunt Ursula calls from our backyard. “Jake! Get back here. There are rules about this sort of thing!”
He shakes his head at me. “I’ve got to feed the maggots,” he whispers. He leans down and scrapes up pigeon poo from the floor of the aviary. “No one fed those little guys today. We were so busy with your pigeons.” He looks at Grumpy Pigeon Man as if it’s his fault. “Maggie told me,” he explains as he dumps the pigeon poo into the bucket. “Maggots love pigeon poo.”
“Guano,” Grumpy Pigeon Man says. “It’s called guano.”
Aunt Ursula calls from our yard. “Teddy! Tom! Have you seen Jake?”
His eyes get big. “Please,” he whispers. “The maggots need me.”
I think about the short time ago when he sat quietly at the table weaving. It was so peaceful.
Then I push him into the part of the aviary that has walls, but still a lot of poo.
I look at Grumpy Pigeon Man, who shrugs. “Jake’s not here,” I call back. “It’s just me, Grumpy Pigeon Man, and The Destructor.”
“Maggot Man!” The Destructor shouts at the top of his lungs, totally giving himself away. “Call me Maggot Man!”
RULES FOR LIVING TOGETHER
1. If someone needs the bathroom, let her use it.
2. If dinner needs cooking, help make it.
3. If someone needs a hug, give it.
4. If you get into a fight, say you’re sorry.
5. If you live with a bunch of nut-oes, you have to let them be nut-oes. And strange but true, I’m fine with that.
RULES FOR ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
1. Thank everyone who was thanked in book one.
2. Thank everyone who was thanked in book two.
3. Apologize profusely if anyone wasn’t thanked.
A LIST OF THE ALMOST BEST LISTS IN THE WORLD
Strange but true, making lists can be almost as much fun as breaking world records. Here are a few favorites from Teddy and his friends (Don’t forget The Destructor!).
THE GROSSEST THINGS IN THE WORLD BY TEDDY, VIVA, AND LONNIE
1. Earwax
2. Leeches
3. Maggots
4. Snot
5. Spitting
6. Tooth grunge
7. Throw up
8. Throwing up
9. Ticks
10. Wet cat food
TEDDY’S RULES ABOUT RELATIVES
1. Eat whatever they cook. (It might not be so bad.)
2. Ignore their pets. (There’s nothing else to do.)
3. They might seem like they’re from a different world, but they aren’t. (They’ve just forgotten they were a kid once.)
TEDDY’S RULES ABOUT LIFE
1. Stand up for what you believe.
2. Apologize when you do something wrong.
3. Listen.
4. When in trouble, talk to a friend.
5. When all else fails, breathe like Darth Vader.
THE DESTRUCTOR’S LIST OF REALLY COOL THINGS
1. Pigeons
2. Recycling
3. Maggots
4. Peanut
5. My brother
LONNIE AND VIVA’S LIST OF FAVORITE STAR WARS CHARACTERS (IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER)
1. BB-8—Funny robot
2. Boba Fett—Cool outfit
3. Chewbacca—Of course!
4. Darth Vader—His breathing
5. Finn—Brave, loves the Force, and leaves the Dark Side
6. Maz Kanata—Her glasses rock
7. Princess Leia—She’s a princess and a fighter
8. R2-D2—Another funny robot
9. Rey—She’s got the Force
10. Yoda—Duh!
TEDDY’S PIGEON TRIVIA CHALLENGE
Strange but true, Teddy Mars knows a lot of fun facts about pigeons. How about you?
1. What do you call a pigeon that flips, rolls, and somersaults over and over again?
A. Dizzy
C. Roller
2. What do you call a pigeon that flies the longest?
A. Racer
B. Tippler
C. Forever
3. What do you call a pigeon that flips, rolls, and somersaults only once or twice?
A. Tumbler
B. Flipper
C. Somersaulter
4. What is the name of the pigeon that is considered the fastest pigeon in the world?
A. Bolt
B. Lightning
C. Felix
5. In what year did pigeon racing become an unofficial Olympic sport?
A. 1967
B. 1000
C. 1900
BACK AD
ABOUT THE AUTHOR AND ILLUSTRATOR
Photo by Adelaide and Georgia Greene
MOLLY B. BURNHAM has been a dog walker, ice-cream scooper, and elementary school teacher. She earned an MFA in children’s writing from Hamline University and lives in Massachusetts with her husband, two daughters, and a dog named Pepito. Pigeons really do live next door to her. Sadly, Grumpy Pigeon Man does not. Molly recently participated in the world’s biggest pie fight—and she loved every splatter of it. Visit her online at www.mollybburnham.com.
TREVOR SPENCER loves animated films almost as much as Teddy Mars loves world records. Trevor fills his days making toys and drawing books with his lovely wife in California, and he couldn’t be happier. Visit Trevor online at www.alkemystudio.com.
Discover great authors, exclusive offers, and more at hc.com.
BOOKS BY MOLLY B. BURNHAM
TEDDY MARS BOOK #1:
Almost a World Record Breaker
TEDDY MARS BOOK #2:
Almost a Winner
CREDITS
Cover art © 2017 by Trevor Spencer
Cover design by Erin Fitzsimmons
COPYRIGHT
Katherine Tegen Books is an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers.
TEDDY MARS BOOK #3: ALMOST AN OUTLAW. Text copyright © 2017 by Molly B. Burnham. Illustrations copyright © 2017 by Trevor Spencer. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the exp
ress written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
* * *
ISBN 978-0-06-227816-6
EPub Edition © March 2017 ISBN 9780062278197
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