CHAPTER XIV. 22nd June.
AT last they have arrived. I was sitting by the window when I heard theclattering of their carriage. My heart throbbed... What does it mean?Can it be that I am in love?... I am so stupidly constituted that such athing might be expected of me.
I dined at their house. Princess Ligovski looked at me with muchtenderness, and did not leave her daughter's side... a bad sign! On theother hand, Vera is jealous of me in regard to Princess Mary--however,I have been striving for that good fortune. What will not a woman do inorder to chagrin her rival? I remember that once a woman loved mesimply because I was in love with another woman. There is nothing moreparadoxical than the female mind; it is difficult to convince a woman ofanything; they have to be led into convincing themselves. The order ofthe proofs by which they demolish their prejudices is most original;to learn their dialectic it is necessary to overthrow in your own mindevery scholastic rule of logic. For example, the usual way:
"This man loves me; but I am married: therefore I must not love him."
The woman's way:
"I must not love him, because I am married; but he lovesme--therefore"...
A few dots here, because reason has no more to say. But, generally,there is something to be said by the tongue, and the eyes, and, afterthese, the heart--if there is such a thing.
What if these notes should one day meet a woman's eye?
"Slander!" she will exclaim indignantly.
It would be unreasonable were I to speak of women with such malignity--Iwho have loved nothing else in the world--I who have always been readyto sacrifice for their sake ease, ambition, life itself... But, you see,I am not endeavouring, in a fit of vexation and injured vanity, to pluckfrom them the magic veil through which only an accustomed glance canpenetrate. No, all that I say about them is but the result of
"A mind which coldly hath observed,
A heart which bears the stamp of woe." [29]
Women ought to wish that all men knew them as well as I because I haveloved them a hundred times better since I have ceased to be afraid ofthem and have comprehended their little weaknesses.
By the way: the other day, Werner compared women to the enchanted forestof which Tasso tells in his "Jerusalem Delivered." [30]
"So soon as you approach," he said, "from all directions terrors, suchas I pray Heaven may preserve us from, will take wing at you: duty,pride, decorum, public opinion, ridicule, contempt... You must simply gostraight on without looking at them; gradually the monsters disappear,and, before you, opens a bright and quiet glade, in the midst of whichblooms the green myrtle. On the other hand, woe to you if, at the firststeps, your heart trembles and you turn back!"