THE
VALENTINE’S DAY
FROM THE
BLACK LAGOON
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from the Black Lagoon
The Black Lagoon
To
Elizabeth and Hope,
heart to heart
—M.T.
To Vicki Ketterman,
my art school valentine
—J.L.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright
e-ISBN 978-0-54537580-1
Conventions. No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted,
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whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without
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permission, write to Scholastic Inc., Attention: Permissions Department, 557
Broadway, New York, NY 10012.
Text copyright © 2006 by Mike Thaler
Illustrations copyright © 2006 by Jared D. Lee Studio, Inc.
All rights reserved. Published by Scholastic Inc.
scholastic, little apple, and associated logos are trademarks and/or
registered trademarks of Scholastic Inc.
First printing, January 2006
Contents
Chapter 1: Love, Yuck! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6
Chapter 2: Heartichokes . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
Chapter 3: Matters of the Heart. . . . . . . . 12
Chapter 4: What Is This Thing Called Love? . . 15
Chapter 5: Eat Your Heart Out . . . . . . . . . 17
Chapter 6: Stone Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21
Chapter 7: Cupid Is Stupid . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
Chapter 8: A Change of Heart. . . . . . . . 27
Chapter 9: Heart Dreams . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33
Chapter 10: Researching the Heart. . . . . . 37
Chapter 11: Happily Never After. . . . . . . . 43
Chapter 12:
Pouring Out Your Heart . . . . . . 45
Chapter 13: Cut to the Quick . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
Chapter 14: Heartburn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52
Chapter 15: Heartfelt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55
Chapter 16: With All One’s Heart . . . . . . . . . 62
CHAPTER 1
LOVE, YUCK!
Valentine’s Day is a week away.
Mrs. Green says we’re going to
have a party. And if that’s not
bad enough, we have to exchange
valentine cards—with girls! Yuck!
I’m too young for this. I know
how it goes. First you give a girl a
valentine card, then she wants to
hold your hand, and before you
know it—you’re married.
6
7
And what if I give one to a girl
who doesn’t give me one back?
Oh, the pain! Oh, the hurt!
Oh, the embarrassment! Oh, the
rejection!
Maybe I can be out sick on
Friday . . . HEARTSICK!
8
CHAPTER 2
HEARTICHOKES
On the school bus, Penny and
Doris sit down on either side of
me. They start telling me about
their dolls--I’m moving! I go to
the back of the bus, but they
follow me.
T. Rex, our bus driver, tells us
stuck with them for eight blocks.
What do they want?
9
“Who are you going to give a
valentine to Hubie?” asks Doris,
fluttering her eyelashes at me.
The heart is out of the bag.
“I don’t know,” I answer.
“My name has two n’s,” says
Penny. Now she flutters her
eyelashes at me.
“I know,” I reply.
10
“My name doesn’t have any
n’s,” blurts Doris.
“That’s nice,” I answer.
Luckily we arrive at my stop
and I bolt for the doo
r. I’m out
and still single. They’re both
waving and winking at me from
the back window as the bus pulls
away. The pressure has already
started.
11
CHAPTER 3
MATTERS OF THE
HEART
As soon as I get home, I explain
the situation to my mom. She says
that I should be flattered that they
fluttered.
“But, Mom, I can’t give both of
them a card,” I say.“It would be
big-of-me.”
12
“When I was a little girl, I had
a crush on Henry Stillman,”
replies Mom. “I followed him
around everywhere. Then, on
Valentine’s Day, he gave a card to
Nancy Dringle. It broke my heart
—until I got a card from Freddy
Farkle. I didn’t even know he
liked me.”
13
“What happened?” I ask.
“He was hurt because I didn’t
give him a card.”
“It sounds like a mess,” I say.
“It’s called love, Hubie.”
14
CHAPTER 4
WHAT IS THIS THING
CALLED LOVE ?
That evening I watch some
TV and try to find out what love
is. I watch The Love Boat, Love
Story, and The Valentine’s Day
Massacre.
15
Boy, love is messy. I’d
like to
go to Tibet and sit in a cave until
Valentine’s Day is over. I’ll come
back for Christmas.
16
CHAPTER 5
EAT YOUR HEART OUT
Later that night, I have a
HEARTMARE! A mad scientist
named Dr. Love injects a chicken
heart with some growth hormones.
It’s in a jar, beating loudly. But
soon it fills up the jar, lifts the
lid, and bubbles out all over the
counter.
17
Now Dr. Love has his heart
on his sleeve. And soon he’s
absorbed in his work. But the
heart keeps growing with every
beat, and now it fills the room.
It breaks through the wall and
thumps out onto the highway.
It squashes a lot of cars, which
turns into a major traffic jam.
18
I’m home in bed and I hear a
loud thumping. I peer out the
window and see this giant
heart coming down my street,
murmuring . . .
19
“Hubie . . . Hubie . . . Hubie, wake
up! It’s time for school.”
Phew, it’s only Mom.
20
CHAPTER 6
STONE HEART
On the school bus, I don’t sit
near any girls. All of us guys
huddle in the back of the bus.
“So,” says Eric, “who are you
going to give your valentine card
to?”
says Derrick.
“I’m giving mine to Doris,”
says Randy.
“I’m baking cookies for
everybody,” says Freddy.
21
“What about you, Hubie?”
everyone asks.
Suddenly, the bus is quiet. All
heads turn toward me. My heart
is in my mouth.
“I don’t know,” I mumble.
“That’s a half-hearted answer,”
replies Eric.
22
“Take heart,” comments Derrick.
“Let’s get to the heart of the
matter,” says Randy.
I think I’m having a heart
attack.
23
CHAPTER 7
CUPID IS STUPID
In art class, we all have to
make hearts. Each one has to be
the same shape, and either red
or pink. Yuck! I say that I want
to make a green-colored square
one.
Mrs. Swamp, our art teacher,
says, “No, only a heart shape,
and either pink or red.”
24
The shape doesn’t leave a lot of
room for creativity. Well, at least
I’ll draw a dinosaur on mine.
“No,” says Mrs. Swamp. “A
dinosaur is not appropriate.
You can either draw a cupid or
flowers.”
Double yuck—I’d rather eat
worms.
25
Mrs. Swamp says that we can’t
even draw any veins or blood.
This is not freedom of expression.
I feel wounded. I think I need a
purple heart.
26
CHAPTER 8
A CHANGE OF HEART
Back inside our classroom,
everything suddenly changes.
Mr. Bender, our principal, brings
in a new student. Her name is
Tiffany Hart. She has blond curls,
blue eyes, and pink lips. She
is beautiful! I think I am really
having a heart attack!
27
I look around. All the guys are
looking at her, too. Their eyes
are bulging and their mouths are
wide open. Hey, I saw her first. I
feel jealous already.
28
“There’s an empty seat next to
me!” I blurt out.
29
Mrs. Green brings her over
and gives her the desk next to
mine. Tiffany smells like flowers.
I sniff the air.
“My name is Tiffany,” she says
with a smile.
“My name’s Tiffany, too,” I say.
“I mean, Hubie.”
“Nice to meet you, Hubie,” she
says, holding out her hand. I can’t
shake it. My hand is sweating. I
wipe it on my shirt, and we shake
hands. Wow! It’s like putting your
fingers into an electric socket!
30
31
I can’t let go. She smiles again
and flutters her long eyelashes.
I’m falling . . . I’m falling . . . I’m
falling in love.
32
CHAPTER 9
HEART DREAMS
I’m ready to slay dragons for
her, climb mountains, and swim
the seven seas. I’d even marry
her if she asked me. Of course,
I’d have to ask my mom first. We
can’t elope because then we’d be
melons.
33
At lunch, she sits with the
girls— traitors. I try to hear
what they’re saying. All I hear
is giggling. Uh-oh, I just ate my
napkin. Well, I wasn’t hungry
anyway. My stomach is on a
trampoline, and my heart is on
my sleeve.
34
I look around. None of the
guys are eating either, except for
Freddy. Nothing stands between
him and food. And now he’s eating
everyone else’s lunch, too. But
no one cares.
35
Hey, they’re all in love with my
girl. But how can I win her heart?
There are no dragons to slay, no
mountains to climb, and no seas
to swim. I know! I’ll make her an
incredible Valentine’s Day card.
But first I have to go to the
library and do a little research.
36
CHAPTER 10
RESEARCHING THE
HEART
After lunch, I go visit Mrs.
Beamster, our librarian, and tell
her my problem. She gives me
a book called Romance Through
the Ages.
37
It starts with Stone Age
courtship. If a caveman loved a
cavelady, he’d grab her by the
hair and drag her off to his cave.
I could try that at recess, but
I think I’d get sent to the
principal’s office. And what if she
is wearing a wig?
38
In the Middle Ages, knights
would save their ladies from
dragons. I knew that.
39
In the Romantic Age, guys
would put their jackets over
muddy puddles so that girls
wouldn’t get their feet wet. If I
brought home a muddy jacket,
my mom would kill me.
40
Men also wrote lots of poems.
It was the age of puddles and
poems. Then later, troubadours
would play guitars and sing under
a lady’s balcony.
I wonder if Tiffany has a
balcony. I don’t play the guitar,
but I am taking piano lessons.
41
In modern courtship, men send
flowers, candy, and diamond
rings. With my allowance, I could
give her a chocolate-chip cookie.
Boy, courtship sounds like a real
trial.
42
CHAPTER 11
HAPPILY NEVER AFTER
In class, Mrs. Green tells us
stories about famous romances.
There was Romeo and Juliet. They
fell in love, but their families didn’t
get along. Juliet had a balcony,
but it still didn’t work out.
43
Then there was Anthony and
Cleopatra. She was bitten by the
love bug, but unfortunately, she
was also bitten by a snake.
Love is an enormous mess. I
hope it goes better for Tiffany
and Hubie.
44
CHAPTER 12
POURING OUT YOUR
HEART
After school, I empty out my
piggy bank and go to the art store.
I’ve turned into a romaniac. I buy
the biggest piece of pink paper I
can find. This is going to be larger
than the monstrous chicken heart
from my nightmare.
45
I buy lace, silver glitter, and
glue. And I have enough money
left over for a blue pen. I tell the
salesman it’s all for my mother.
I carefully carry everything
home, get a pair of scissors, and
lock myself in my room. I cut out
a giant heart. What a wonderful
shape! What a beautiful color!
46
I take my new blue pen and