for Hard Core Logo
out west?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
So you were at the benefit.
Well, thanks, Bruce.
Yah, we had a great time.
In fact, we had so much fun
we want to do Winnipeg
and back.
Opening for who?
Huevos Rancheros?
What the fuck is a Huevos Rancheros?
Yah?
Uh-huh.
Ah, c’mon, Bruce.
Are you trying to get back at me
for doin’ somethin’ I don’t remember doin’?
What do you mean you talked to Dave?
Who gives a fuck what Dave says?!
Yah?!
Yah?!
Well, fuck you too, Bruce!
BRUCE McROBERTS LEAVES A MESSAGE
You’ve reached 270-4040. I’ve gone down to the dump to shoot rats, but I’ll be back around five. Leave a message after the cool lick:
Okay, you assholes, the only reason I’ll book you is to piss off Dave Alfelmer. Your tour looks like this: May 13 at the Westward in Calgary; May 14 at the Club in Regina; May 15 at the Spectrum in Winnipeg; May 16 at Amigos in Saskatoon; May 17 at the Power Plant in Edmonton is tentative; and so is May 19 at the Town Pump in Vancouver. Total grosses are between $5,000 and $6,200. Production is included, so you won’t need a sound-man. Deposits total $800. The agency commission is fifteen percent. That’s the best I can do with the shit that you guys . . . .
WELL, BILLY?
Whoa! I agreed to a reunion gig—but a tour? Hmmmm, the show did go fairly well, people definitely got into it. And Joe, he definitely had a good time. It was good to see him scowling again.
But what if I don’t do this? I mean, everybody would look at me like an asshole for quitting. Or worse yet, they’d replace me with some hack and make it look like I was fired. Fuck, I don’t know.
And what about Seattle? There was that last band I auditioned for. What if they call me while I’m out on the road? They could be ready to do something and I’d miss out. It could be my last chance. Ah, but it was good to see ol’ Joe scowling again.
BILLY GOES OVER TO JOE’S PLACE AGAIN
Got a call from McRoberts.
He left a tour schedule
on my answering machine.
Calgary, Regina, Winnipeg,
Saskatoon, Edmonton, Vancouver.
All for small money.
Was this your idea?
I dunno, Joe.
Remember the last tour?
Lee’s Palace?
If we do this
it’s gonna have to be different:
no hard drugs on gig days, okay?
And it’s not just me, Joe.
Pipe and John’ll feel the same way.
AND JOHN?
Our show at the Arlington was one of our all-time best. If only we’d always played like that! Man, it would have been great. I’d love to have had that show every night during the farewell tours.
Joe seems clean. But then again he always seemed clean when there’s talk of a tour. Last time out he was constantly stoned. Constantly. Every show got worse and worse. If Joe stayed clean and Billy stopped drinking, this tour could really fly.
Yah, I really wanna do this now. I wanna get that shitty taste out of my mouth. I wanna be able to walk off stage and feel proud again. I wanna get out there and show this country how fuckin’ good a band we really were.
JOE REMINISCES
Used to be
when we were famous,
at the peak of our fame,
we’d sell a hundred t-shirts a night.
At fifteen a shirt that’d add up.
Course those were the days
when we managed ourselves.
Used to book our own tours, too.
We’d get two grand a show
and the best of hotel rooms.
Unlimited beer on the rider.
A guy to do our driving.
Our albums never sold that well.
Nothing ever got near gold.
We blame that on management.
Everything we did ourselves
always turned a profit.
PIPE?
Almost two thousand dollars each for a week’s worth of gigs. And all I have to bring is a snare drum. Sounds good to me. I’d have to work 150 hours at garbage removal to make the same amount of money.
And just think of what I could do with two thousand dollars.
I could finally buy my neighbour’s Norton. And that fly-fishing rod in the Buy ’n’ Sell. I could even afford to finalize my divorce. Two thousand dollars for a week’s worth of gigs. Sounds good to me.
VAN RENTALS
The rates are as follows:
A fifteen-seat Ford van
at Cana Rentals in Richmond
is sixty dollars a day,
twenty dollars for insurance,
and five cents per k
after five hundred for free.
The same van
at Brown Brothers Ford
is seventy-five dollars a day,
twenty dollars for insurance,
and ten cents per k
after the first one thousand.
But I know a guy
who’ll rent us his van
for fifty a day
if we fix the back wheel
and he’ll give us the tire to do it.
BY JOE’S CALCULATIONS
FIVE
Il Presidente
at the Wheel
JOHN’S TOUR DIARY
May 13 (a.m.)
Here we go again.
Joe insisted we leave at five a.m. on gig day in order to avoid buying hotel rooms the night before. So be it. Then he shows up at seven anyway. Pipe, as usual, is riding shotgun, bitching about how tired he is. Billy’s asleep on the back bench.
We stopped for breakfast at the Petro-Can in Kamloops. Pipe, who had fallen asleep with his mouth open, remained in the van. Billy sat by himself at the coffee bar, reading True Detective, flirting with the waitresses. Joe and I occupied a booth by the window, watching the tourists gawk at Pipe’s gaping mouth. Jeanne C. Riley was being featured on a radio program.
Joe was convinced that the cassette we were selling, entitled Herd It Through the Bovine, was the best thing we’ve done in five years—even though it was recorded live on a Sony at the Arlington. I told him I hadn’t even heard it yet. He produced a copy from his Mac. The cover was hand-drawn and child-like. There was a sad looking cow in the middle, taking a dump. It looked like a bootleg.
Pipe woke up five minutes out of Kamloops, complaining of an intense hunger. Joe refused to stop until we needed gas again. Pipe then threatened to piss all over the van unless we did. Billy started siding with Pipe, and the two of them began to ride Joe. Pipe had his prick out, screaming, “It’s gonna blow! It’s gonna blow!” After twenty minutes they calmed down and we drove in silence. Five miles after that Joe pulled over at a fruit stand.
AT A PAY PHONE NEAR SORRENTO
Hello.
This is Joe Dick
from Hard Core Logo,
and we’re playin’
the club tonight.
Could you tell me
what time’s sound-check?
Yah. I’ll hold.
Hello.
This is Joe Dick
from Hard Core Logo,
and we’re playin’
the club tonight.
Could you tell me
what time’s sound-check?
Five o’clock?
Well, we’re gonna be late.
We’re just east of Kamloops.
Yah.
Seven?
Okay, we’ll boot it
for seven.
THE SONG ON JOE’S LIPS:
THE BIG BUSH PARTY AFTER SCHOOL
It’s a Canadian tradition
When your
father goes a-fishin’
And your mother goes to see her sister, too
When you have the whole gang over
’Cause the weather’s gettin’ warmer
Headin’ out for the big bush party after school
You buy a two-four from your brother
Then again you buy another
’cause you never know who won’t show up with brew
And your best friend drives a four-by
So he fills it up with ten guys
Headin’ out for the big bush party after school
It’s away up the river
It’s away down the mountain
It’s away, far away as you can see
Where the talk is never quiet
Where the bonfire burns the brightest
It’s away, far away as you can be
So you get the fire started
And your hair is nicely parted
As you wait around for pretty Peggy-Sue
But by twelve o’clock you’re loaded
And you know that she ain’t showin’
Headin’ out for the big bush party after school
When the weather starts a-changin’
And you’ve had your graduation
And you’re packin’ up to try on somethin’ new
Take a look around your shoulder
Little sister’s gettin’ older
Headin’ out for the big bush party after school
FROM THE SHOTGUN POSITION
Check it out, man!
A skinhead hitchin’—
in Revelstoke!
Let’s pick him up.
THE SKINHEAD LASTS A MILE
Hard Core Logo?
Never heard of you.
LUNCH AT THE GOLDEN ARMS
MOTOR HOTEL
Okay.
One double burger.
No lettuce, tomatoes,
or mayo.
Side of onion rings.
Diet-coke.
Chicken pie.
Side house salad.
Strawberry Jello.
Decaf.
Spaghetti and meatballs.
Garlic toast.
Chocolate shake.
Cheesecake.
Chef’s salad
Clam chowder.
Corn bread.
Postum.
ONE OF BILLY’S GIRLS
Had a girlfriend from Golden.
She was Miss Golden of something.
Came down to Vancouver
for the PNE pageant
and lost.
Badly.
Applied as a model,
but never got called.
Got a job at McDonald’s,
then quit to go stripping.
I met her one summer
at the A-2 Café.
She was working the Five
right down the street.
Just the two of us talking,
laughing at dreams.
IL PRESIDENTE AT THE WHEEL
We’ve been making good time.
Should be in Calgary
eight o’clock Mountain.
The contract says two sets,
forty-five minutes apiece.
We’ll do an hour-ten.
Pipe, you load us in.
Billy, you tune the strings.
John, draw up a stage plot.
JOHN’S TOUR DIARY
May 13 (p.m.)
Tonight was the worst night of my life. We blew it right from the start. Served us right, though. Joe was like the Joe of old. Screaming at anything that didn’t scream back. Should’ve brought a soundman.
Sound-check was awful. Couldn’t get the feed-back off my bass. Billy kept demanding more guitar in the monitor. His soloing volume was three times louder than our total output. I don’t know if Joe’s voice is going to last the tour.
The worst part was all the people who showed up. Young kids who’d never seen us before. I remember wanting to put my sunglasses on; I couldn’t bare to look them in the eye. It seemed like Joe broke a string every second song. And Pipe! Pipe does not like playing without a full kit.
We ended the night with the worst version of “Hair” ever. We’d never even rehearsed it, and Billy claims he never even knew such a song existed. Still, the crowd loved it. They were going wild. And that’s what bugged me the most.
JOE GOES OVER THE OPTIONS
It’s a ten-hour trip
from here to Regina.
If we leave here tonight
and drive it in shifts
we can get our hotels
by one-thirty.
Sound-check’s at six,
so a five hour nap
would give us,
all told,
our eight hours.
Or we could stay here the night
and leave at eleven,
blow out the sound-check,
and get there at tennish.
The opening band
gets off at ten-thirty,
so we could load in and play
then sleep through the morning.
SIX
Set List by Committee
JOHN’S TOUR DIARY
May 14 (a.m.)
Joe has not slept since we left Vancouver. That was thirty-two hours ago. I’m convinced he’s doing blow, but no one will confront him. I tried to take the wheel in Swift Current and a pushing match ensued. Joe won out, of course. It’s as if he’s hauling a cross or something.
We’re right on the verge of Regina. Everyone stinks of booze and stage-sweat. The van is littered with pop cans and donut icing. There’s a banana peel hanging from the rear-view mirror. This is easily the worst part of the tour.
The city of Regina looks like the set from The Last Picture Show. Businesses boarded up, people wandering around in a daze. Regina has always been depressing. But depressed? What’s going on here? What are people doing? Pipe says they’re hosting the NHL awards here in June.
Tonight’s gig is at the Club. We used to play the Venue, but I heard it burned down. We’re staying at the Sandman Inn for the ninth consecutive time. Apparently the Sandman’s got the biggest hotel swimming pool in Western Canada. Never seen it, though. Always too tired.
JOE PUTS IT INTO PERSPECTIVE
Getting people together
for a rock band
and an attitude
is like living in a co-op.
But trying to get a booking
is like sales
for small commission.
While loading up the van
makes me feel
like I’m in shipping,
it’s driving to some tavern
that makes me feel
like I’m a trucker.
Setting up on stage
makes me feel
like I’m a millwright,
or a puppet
who is tangled
for a moment
during sound-check.
And lately, like a goldfish
when the stage lights
hide the public,
I work my strings
and notice
how this job’s
like all the rest.
HARD CORE LOGO’S IDEAL RIDER
24 bottles of Dos Equis beer
24 bottles of domestic beer (nothing ‘light’)
1 mickey of Jack Daniels
4 bottles of mineral water
2 pitchers of Coca-Cola Classic
4 hot meals at sound-check
A meat-generous deli-tray to be served in the dressing room immediately after the last encore
A television set with VCR hook-up. The last half-hour of Apocalypse Now must be playing just before show-time
PIPE TEASES BILLY
There’s a girl out there
says she knows you.
She’s got a baby
at her mother’s.
Says that baby
looks just like you.
I told he
r
that you gave up music,
that you took a job
in a laundromat.
She got upset
and wouldn’t stop crying.
The younger brother
took her home.
SET LIST BY COMMITTEE
There’s nobody here.
Cut out the ballads.
Throw in the fast stuff.
We’ll start with the fast stuff.
We’ll get them up dancing.
There’s nobody here.
I hope they’ll be drinking.
How much are tickets?
Did you see some promotion?
Let’s start with some covers.
There’s nobody here.
Who else is in town?
There’s only one club.
I think it’s stopped raining.
Let’s wait ’til ten-thirty.
Let’s wait ’til eleven.
There’s nobody here.
Where’s the promoter?
He’s gonna lose money.
Have you seen the owner?
The owner’s promoting.
He’s not even here.
There’s nobody here.
JOE, EYES GLAZED BY NARCOTICS,
DEDICATES THE FIRST SONG
This song is defecated to all
the drug addicts and pedophiles
who dominate the music business.
WORDS AND MUSIC
You’ve got some words and music
You think they sound real perfect
You want to play them for your mom
The words are deeply moving
The music’s very groovy
You want to play them in a club
You meet some manager
Who loves the way you dress
You sign your name to his
He promises he’ll do his best for twenty percent
You make a four song demo
For the local college radio
In a week you’re sittin’ on the charts
Then a guy from Sick-O Records
Hears you while he’s playin’ checkers
And he wants to sign you on the spot
You meet his company