Chapter 28
After school, while
Molly and Karl were
checking out Roy’s
tree house, I followed
Becky home.
I did an excellent
job avoiding detection.
At least by Becky.
A few blocks from
school, she turned
and walked the path
toward a two-story
house. She walked
up to the porch and
rang the bell. Which
was weird. Why would
she ring the bell of her own house?
After the door opened and someone let her inside,
I slipped behind a fence and started to change.
Just as I finished my transformation into
Max, I heard a door slam. I peeked around the
fence and saw Becky standing in the backyard. It
was now or never. I made my move.
Becky stared at me. “Max?” She said Max like
it was some sort of alien sand-hopper she just
stepped on.
“You were right!” I said. “We can’t be friends
if we never meet. So, I came to your house.”
Becky gasped. It wasn’t a scared gasp. It was
more like an Are you kidding me? gasp. Like the
gasp your mom makes when she catches you
roasting marshmallows over the gas stove.
Very quietly, Becky said, “This isn’t my
house.”
“Then whose house is it?”
“Becky, is that you?” said a way too familiar
Mutant Troll voice from inside the house.
“Ah . . . yeah,” squeaked Becky.
“Roy’s house!” I whisper-shouted. “This can’t
be Roy’s house. Where’s the . . . ”
My heart sank to my socks. I stared at Becky.
“Then what are YOU doing here?”
“I tutor Roy.”
Of course she tutors Roy. She would tutor
Roy. She’s that kind of person—the kind of
person that tutors Mutant Troll Bullies.
Becky stared at my alphabet block elevator
shoes. “What are you wear—”
“I’m coming out! I’ve got lemonade!” Roy
yelled.
“You’ve got to hide!” whispered Becky. “Roy
really doesn’t like other people coming to his
house. Go. Hide. Now!”
“Hide? Where?” I said.
But Becky took off. I quickly looked around,
but there was really only one place to hide.
I stumbled as fast as I could toward the tree
house. Somehow I got to the ladder without
doing a face-plant. I started to climb.
Just as I got to the top, I felt someone grab
my arm and pull me through the door.
It was Molly. Karl lay spread-eagle next to
her hugging the tree house floor.
Molly wasn’t happy to see me. “What are
you doing?” she asked. “What is that? An eye
patch?”
“Did you poke your eye out running with
scissors?” asked Karl, still clutching the floor.
“What? No.”
“Oh,” said Karl disappointedly. “You shouldn’t
pretend to have a poked-out eye. It’s kind of
mean to kids with real poked-out eyes.”
“It’s a disguise!” I whisper-yelled.
“Disguised as what?” asked Molly.
“It doesn’t matter. Just be quiet so Roy
doesn’t hear us.”
Molly continued, “Wait. The only reason you’d
come to Roy’s house in disguise is to . . .”
“Scare him with your fake poked-out eye!”
said Karl.
“It’s. Not. A. Fake—”
“To see Becky!” said Molly. “But you’re not
here as you. So who are you here as?”
“I’m Max! I’m Max! Okay? Now please, shut
up!”
“Whoa! You’re Max?”
“Who’s Max?” asked Karl.
Molly pointed to me. “The kid Roy said he was
going to feed to the Cat Dumpster!”
Karl slowly shook his head. “They’ll lick your
sandblasters.”
Molly continued, “And Max is the kid who’s
been text-torturing Roy with his grandmother’s
phone.”
Karl’s eyes popped again. “Whoa. You’re a
fake poked-out-eye double secret agent!”
“Quiet!” I whispered as I looked around for
a way out. All I could see was one door and one
window. And on the floor next to Molly . . .
“That’s that pig from that little kid show,” I
said. “Is that—?”
“Oinkdexter,” said Molly. “And yes, he’s Roy’s
super secret thing from Dr. Daniels’s file. If you
hadn’t shown up, we’d be out of here with him
by now.”
Before I could figure out what was so special
about a stupid stuffed pig, Becky yelled from
outside, “Roy, let’s just do your homework down
here! Not in the TREE HOUSE!”
It was too late. We could hear Roy starting to
climb the ladder.
I pointed to the window. “That way! Now!”
Molly and I rushed to the window. But Karl
didn’t budge.
I turned to Molly. “We’ve got to go!”
She shook her head. “We’re not leaving Karl
behind.”
We could hear Roy outside. He was almost at
the door.
Suddenly Molly yelled at Karl, “By your head!
SPIDER!”
“Ahhh!” Karl screamed as he jumped up.
I looked at Molly. “Impressive,” I said.
Molly grinned. “How do you think I got Karl
up here in the first place?”
Karl rushed toward us and almost threw
himself out the window. He’d just made it
outside when Molly cried, “The pig!” I quickly
reached back in to grab it.
“Hey!” yelled Roy. “What are you . . . ?” Roy
stared at Oinkdexter in my hand. “Nooooo!” he
screamed.
Roy lunged for me, then fell. He tried to get
up, but Becky was holding his leg. “Roy, no! Let
Max go!”
“Max? You’re Max?” growled Roy.
I didn’t answer. I was too busy searching for
an escape route. But we were stuck out on a tree
limb with nowhere to go. It seemed hopeless,
until . . .
A branch
overhung the
deep end of
the pool next
door. It was
only a seven
foot drop,
but of course
Karl started
to panic.
Molly calmly looked into Karl’s eyes and said,
“Just imagine there are more spiders behind
than in front of you.”
Karl nodded and immediately started scooting
out onto the limb with Molly right behind. The
branch sagged under their weight.
I was about to follow when I felt a Mutant
Troll hand on my shoulder. Becky yelled, “Max,
look out!”
I turned around and came face-to-face with
Roy. He grabbed Oinkdexter. “That’s mine!”
I held tight to the pig as Roy tried to pull both
of us through the window.
“Max, just let him have it,” pleaded Becky.
“No!” I grunted. I couldn’t let go of the only
thing standing between me, Roy, and Roy
stuffing me somewhere worse than a locker.
But Roy was too strong. Just as I felt myself
about to be dragged through the window I gave
one last yank and . . .
Roy gasped and loosened his grip. This
was my chance. I braced my feet and lunged
backward.
I won! I had the pig! I . . .
All three of us surfaced. My alphabet block
elevator shoes made it too hard to swim, so I
ripped them off. We swam for the edge, climbed
out, and took off.
Behind us, we could hear Roy screaming over
and over again, “Oinkdexter! Oinkdexter!”
Roy sounded like he was in real pain. He really
wanted that pig back. I almost felt sorry for him.
Almost.
Chapter 29
We ran for blocks and blocks, dripping wet,
until we couldn’t run anymore, and stopped at a
park to catch our breath.
The three of us sat in the swings gasping.
Finally, I said, “All in all I thought that went
pretty well.” Becky and Karl didn’t seem to
agree.
Molly got up, took Oinkdexter from me, and
said, “I’m out of here.”
“What are we going to do with the pig?” I
asked.
“We’re not going to do anything,” said Molly.
“Because we’re not in Safety Patrol anymore.
Because there is no more Safety Patrol.”
“Wait. What?”
“We voted. It’s two to one and it’s over.”
I looked at Karl and asked, “When did you
vote?”
“C’mon! We can figure something out,” I
offered. “I like you guys. I like being in Safety
Patrol. All I care about—”
Molly screamed, “IS YOURSELF!”
“Molly, please!” I begged.
Molly ignored me. She turned to Karl. “Are
you coming?”
As Molly started to stalk off, Karl turned to
me and said, “You know, I was in Safety Patrol
before Safety Patrol was cool.”
“I know, Karl.” I nodded.
“It was a lot more fun then,” said Karl.
Karl got off the swing and followed Molly out
of the park.
I thought, Fine, be that way. I didn’t need
them. I could have fun on my own. Like with
this swing. Swinging is fun. You don’t need any
stupid friends to swing. You can swing just fine
all by yourself.
So I started to swing.
Slowly at first. Then faster. And higher. And
higher. Until I let go.
As I hung there in the air, I looked down
and waited for the ground to open up so I could
fall. And fall. And fall until I could forget I was
falling again.
But the ground didn’t open up.
I just fell.
And landed.
And got a face full of dirt.
Chapter 30
I was mostly dry by the time I got home. I
tried to squeak-squish past Memaw, but she has
eyes in the back of her head. And on her arms.
And a few on her legs. And a couple of seriously
creepy ones on her feet.
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
Memaw frowned. “‘Nothing’ is as useless as
lipstick to a chicken.”
“I let some
friends down,” I
said.
“Then pick
them up.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Are they husky?”
I smiled. “One of them is.”
She nodded. “You can’t pick your friends up
until you pick yourself up.”
I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”
Memaw thought for a second. Then she said,
“Let me put it in comic-book terms. You know
that one with the spineless kid that fought that
gnome that turned everyone to goo?”
“NanoNerd, issue fifty-
three?” I said. “You read
NanoNerd?”
“You left it in the
bathroom,” explained Memaw.
“That was a good one,” I
said. “NanoNerd versus Kew:
The Glancing Gnome of Zrew.”
Memaw smiled. “A glance from Kew turns
nerds to goo.”
“Wow.” Memaw grinned. “When you tell it, it
almost makes sense.”
I continued, “In the end, there was only one
way for NanoNerd to defeat Kew.”
“Yup, the ricochet,” said Memaw. “When you
hurt your friends you’re not going to like what
you see when you look in the mirror. You can
either stop looking in the mirror and hate yourself
forever or . . .”
“Or what?”
Memaw smiled.
“Just noodle on it. It’ll
come to you.” Then
she leaned over and
hugged me.
I noodled on it all evening. I thought pretty
much everything could be explained with comic
books. But I guess not.
I finally gave up. I was on my way to brush
my teeth when Mom stopped me in the hall.
I thought she was going to do her Mom-fu thing
and ninja my problem, but instead she said, “I
want you to really brush this time. Use the mirror.
Make sure you get all the way in the back.”
So I did. I brushed the tops and the bottoms.
I brushed in front and all the way in the back.
I brushed so far back that I bumped that flappy
thing that hangs down in the back of your throat.
I gagged. Hard. And coughed. And coughed.
And coughed some more.
Mom was at the bathroom door in an instant,
saying, “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. It’s okay.”
Mom relaxed. She said, “Did you get all the
way in the back?”
I nodded.
Mom smiled. “Good boy,” she said, then
hugged my neck, said, “I love you,” and left.
Suddenly I got this weird feeling. Like when
somebody says something nice to you, but you
know you don’t deserve it.
That’s when I looked in the mirror, and I
knew why I didn’t deserve it.
Finally, I understood what Memaw was
trying to say. That wasn’t me looking back in the
mirror. That was Gnick: a Nick/Gnome mutant
that lies and lets his friends down. And until I
made things right and told the truth, I wouldn’t
be able to look in the mirror ever again. Without,
you know, exploding into goo.
Or something.
I knew what I had to do now. I waited until
Memaw fell asleep, then I snatched her phone,
and unblocked Roy’s number to text him one last
time:
Max: Meet me tomorrow at the soccer field at 4.
Finally, I went to bed. But I just lay there.
I couldn’t sleep. Something was bugging me.
Something really, really, super important.
It’s not plausible. Water? Metal? Windows?
Does everyone live in a
bottomless pit on Zrew?
I decided if I survived the next day I was
going to send an e-mail to Nerdopolis Comics and
demand an answer.
If I survived.
Chapter 31
The next morning, I slept in. It was a teacher
prep day, so there wasn’t any school, just the
science fair in the evening.
When I got downstairs, Mom and Memaw had
already left. I started to fix some breakfast, when
I heard a phone vibrating.
It was Memaw’s phone. I picked it up. There
was a whole thread of texts from Roy:
Roy: I’ll b @ soccer field. U are so dead.
Max: I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’m taking
you DOWN! Right after my hair appointment.
Roy: ????
I forgot to reblock Memaw’s phone last night.
Memaw was going to know everything. Which
meant that even if I somehow survived Roy,
Becky, Molly, and Karl, there was no way I’d
survive Memaw.
Chapter 32
I got to school about an hour before the science
fair. I figured that way nobody would be around
yet to see me get my spleen ripped out.
I figured wrong.
“‘Double, double toil and trouble. Fire burn,
and cauldron bubble,’” said Mr. Dupree from
behind me.
I turned around and said, “Do you even know
what the stuff you say means?”
He nodded. “It means I think you, Molly, and