Mom
I’ve suggested a hitman, Mama, but I’ve been overruled
Dad
Violence isn’t the answer, mi amore. Even if it’s tempting
Aunt Minnie
We have to do something
Cousin Wesley
I don’t get it. Why are we triaging this? Just tell Jaz and let her dump the jerk
Cari
I think the fear is that even if Jaz knows she’ll stay with him because she’s never understood she’s worth more
(Another thirty seconds of silence.)
Cousin Wylan
Well, damn
CHAPTER THREE
I scan the inside of Tijuana Outpost. It’s the kind of place where you order at a counter, grab your tray, and take a seat at questionably clean tables. An enormous array of hot sauces decorates the back wall, and funky-colored string lights crisscross the ceiling.
Paul sits with his headphones covering part of his wavy black hair. There’s a half-eaten burrito in front of him along with a mostly drained sweet tea. I beeline for him, and I’m practically a foot in front of his face before he notices me. His hazel eyes meet mine.
“Oh, hey,” he says.
I lean down and kiss his cheek. He’s never been a fan of PDA, but he tolerates it. He wears the same cologne as he did in freshman year, and the scent floods me with warm memories. His neck would smell like this when he’d meet me in the high school stairwell to sneak a kiss. Or when I jumped in his arms after he won a stuffed bear at Dave & Buster’s.
I linger next to him. I’m not sure if I should order, or if we’re going to leave, or if maybe he got something for me, too.
“You already have your food?” I ask.
He sighs, pauses his song, and removes his Beats headphones. He wants to be a music producer, and I know he’s focused, but it’ll only take a second to talk.
Paul turns all his attention to me, and it’s like being bathed in sunshine. He was the first guy to really see me, to notice me. But lately his eyes don’t soften when they meet mine. Not the way they used to.
“Yeah,” he says. “I was hungry. And…” He checks his phone. “Don’t we normally have dinner at six?”
I stare at the concrete floor. “Yes. I’m sorry I’m late.”
It’s 6:07.
“Okay,” he says. He has a thing about people being punctual—people being me. He’s never said a word about his friends showing up whenever. But I know waiting alone embarrasses him. I should’ve gotten out of the car sooner. This is on me.
“Did you order something for me, too?” I ask. “Or should I…” I do a weird miming gesture between me and the counter. I feel ridiculous, so I stop.
His forehead knits. “Why would I have ordered for you? I didn’t know what you’d want… or when you’d get here.” He mutters the last part.
I order the same thing every time, but okay, I am late. And cold burritos are nasty. It’s not like there’s a skillet where I could reheat it in here. I turn and step away.
“Jaz,” he says.
My heart skips when he says my name. Like it did freshman year when he’d call for me in the hall and jog to catch up. Like when he’d wave me down to sit with him and his football boys at lunch in sophomore year. Like when he’d thread his fingers in mine after he scored the winning field goal during junior year—before he quit this past fall.
“Yes?” I hold my breath.
“They have a new skinny burrito on the menu. You may want to check it out.”
I stare at him, but he shrugs and takes out a twenty.
I don’t know what I was waiting for, but that wasn’t it. Still, I smile.
“Maybe,” I say.
I leave his money on the table and walk to the counter, where a line has formed. I should’ve ordered when I came in. I can’t remember the last time Paul got something for me I didn’t specifically ask for. Maybe junior year when he brought in bagels from Panera. I was so charmed, I ate mine painfully slowly, savoring every bite. Later I found out he had two only because they’d messed up his order, but still. He could’ve given the extra to anyone and he chose me.
My phone chimes and I slip it out of my purse. It’s a screenshot of a flight itinerary from my best friend. June Tam and I have been inseparable since her parents moved to Winter Park in the third grade. I don’t know what I’m going to do when she goes to Emory this fall. It’s yet another thing happening soon that I refuse to think about.
But maybe because she’s moving on, or maybe because I’d had three spiked seltzers, or maybe it was that she’d been talking about spending a semester abroad, but I wound up telling her how I’d like to go to Paris. I even let it slip that I dream about cooking professionally there—the birthplace of fine cuisine. I like to blame the alcohol, but maybe dreams that big refuse to stay bottled.
I regretted it as soon as she set fare alerts on her phone—i.e., that night. And she constantly forwards them to me because she’s the worst.
No matter what, I can’t help but look at the info. This one is the best deal yet—$280 one-way from Orlando. I have seven times that saved from birthday money, tutoring, and slinging fro-yo at Berry Plum. I count my savings all the time, and it’ll be minus this burrito dinner, but it doesn’t matter since it’s just a fantasy. I might as well dream of being the first astronaut on Mars or the first five-foot-tall Korean girl in the NBA. Becoming a chef and cooking in Paris takes a whole lot of things I’m not.
My phone dings again.
JT" in a circle"/>
June
Under $300! I’d chip in a hundred and Emily would too. $80 total from you.
You have to go
Not going to happen
Why not?
Bc I belong here. My life is here. Plus Paul and I are moving in together and I start Valencia in August
Those are all horrible reasons
?
It’s your dream, Jaz
By the way: Never get drunk and tell your best friend your secret ambition, because they’ll remember it. And bring it up later. Constantly.
I put my phone away.
A sigh escapes my chest and it’s the heavy kind. I shouldn’t feel it, though. I’m blessed to have the life I do. My real life. Not a useless dream. How many people have a loving family, graduate high school with honors, get a full academic scholarship to community college, and will soon move in with the love of their life? I need my savings for my future, not to fly overseas for a fantasy.
Yet every time I push Paris away, this sadness rises up. I tamp it down because it doesn’t make sense. Every reason I gave June is a great one. There’s no need to throw my life into chaos with a one-way ticket to France. Not to mention that I’d disappoint my family, especially my mom, who expects me to follow in her footsteps. Besides which, even the thought of leaving Central Florida makes me want to puke. The closest I’ve come to a solo adventure was driving to Winter Park High alone when Davey had the flu this winter. Transatlantic it was not.
The bottom line is, I refuse to risk losing what I have to reach out for something I’m not.
I glance at Paul, who’s texting on his phone. What I do have is a solid life ahead of me. I’ll go to Valencia, then transfer to UCF’s nursing program. Nursing is a good profession. It may not be my dream, but it’s reliable and something I can actually do. Mom has been a nurse for twenty-five years, and she’s provided us with what we need. It’s good and that’s good enough for me. If I’m lucky, I can vacation in Paris one day, even save enough to eat at fine-dining restaurants—eventually.
“Next,” the counter person calls.
“Oh, hey, Jasmine,” Gus says with a smile. We see him every Friday. “Don’t you look pretty.”
“Hey, Gus,” I say. “Still trolling for tips, I see. Are you having a good night?”
He laughs. “So far. Thanks. You?”
“Great. Really great.” Again, I feel like I’m acting. I force
myself to smile.
“What’ll it be? The usual?”
“No, I’ll um…”
I look at Paul one more time. So many girls wanted to date him over the years, and somehow he picked me. Somehow I have one of the handsomest guys in my school as my boyfriend.
While I’m staring, Paul looks up and grins. I remember the smile on his lips when I talked to him for the very first time during the cooking club bake sale. He took a bite of my brownies and a wide smile lit his face. He looked right at me and told me they were amazing. That I was amazing. A burst of forgotten happiness makes me smile back.
I face Gus. “Do you guys have a skinny burrito now?”
His pierced eyebrows knit. “We do. It’s chicken breast, beans, lettuce, salsa, and a low-carb tortilla. But… you don’t want the usual?”
Solid question. “Just, you know, just in the mood to try something new,” I say brightly.
“Um, okay.”
He rings me up, and I can’t help feeling this is wrong, but I take my cup and go to the fountain to get a Diet Coke.
I hate Diet Coke.
CHAPTER FOUR
DAVEY’S UNWIELDY FAMILY GROUP TEXT
MAY 18
We told her last night
Aunt Tammy
What’d she say??
Uncle Steve
How’d she take it?
Cousin Mabel
She dumped him, right?
Cousin Crystal
She didn’t mention breaking up with Paul in the cousins' group chat.…
Cousin Wesley
How can you even keep track of all the messages in there?
Mom
She didn’t break up with him. They’re still dating
Aunt Minnie
What?!
Cari
Long story, but Scumbag Paul convinced her that the IG girl was 'just a friend'
Aunt Regina
No
Cousin Joe
Man… I need better friends
Cari
But they’re not going to be exclusive this summer.
Uncle Steve
Come again?
Cari
He got Jaz to agree to see other people because 'moving in together is such a big step and they should both be sure'
Aunt Minnie
The nerve of this damn kid
Cousin Amberlynn
Why would she buy any of that?
Cari
Because she wants to believe it
Cousin Wesley
So she’s going to date other people? That’s good. She can meet a better guy
Cari
Except she won’t date anyone else. She said this is something he needs and that she understands. I said she should date too, but she shook her head
Which is 'absolutely not' in Jaz speak
Cousin Wylan
So he’s going to be playing the field while she sits home?
Cousin Madison
I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t she date?
Cari
Well, she’s never dated anyone other than Paul. And you know how she is with new things
Mom
And she’s always thought he was the best and that she was lucky to have him. He convinced her of it
Grandpa Yap
She thinks the world of everyone else but not of herself. How can we get our Jaz to understand her worth?
Mom
That’s the million dollar question, Papa
Cari
She’s so much like Meghan last season—she’s a gem and doesn’t know it
Okay, look, you don’t actually know the people on The Bachelor, even if you rope one onto your podcast every season. It’s still just a made up show
Cari
Paid for your dinner, ingrate. And it’s the perfect show. It’s The OG. There’s a reason it’s had so many seasons and imitators. People love love and someone finding it and themselves
Aunt Regina
How is this helping, guys?
Cousin Wesley
Yeah, what do we do? Set up The Bachelorette starring Jaz so she goes on dates?
(Fifteen seconds pass.)
Uncle Carlos
I mean…
Cousin Mabel
Wait, bro, you’re on to something
Cousin Wesley
I’ve been up for 31 hours. I’m on to sleep deprivation
Aunt Rosey
Go to sleep, Wes. Turn your ringer off, baby
Cousin Wesley
It’s okay, Ma. I’m fine
Aunt Rosey
Did you eat a good breakfast?
Cousin Wesley
Geez, I’m a doctor. I’m fine
Aunt Rosey
You’re not a doctor yet. A simple yes or no will do
Cousin Wesley
Yes
Cari
Guys, wait, we could actually do this
Aunt Kim
A dating show?
Cari
Not a show, but something where guys come to her and she’d date them. She’d realize she has options, and see that she shouldn’t settle for anyone
Grandpa Yap
A little Jasmine project. I like it
Uncle Steve
Exactly
Cousin Teagan
This could be really great for her… if she’d do it
Aunt Tammy
I love my girl but I don’t see her going for a dating contest. She’s our shy, night-blooming Jasmine
Cousin Crystal
You’re right, Momma. There’s no way she’ll say yes y’all
Cari
If we do it right, she wouldn’t have to know
Uncle Steve
How could that be?
Cari
Well, we’d be the ones to find the boys—do the casting, right? We’d be the ones inviting them to meet her. We’d just need to set up a situation where she wouldn’t know it was a contest
Aunt Regina
How would that work? Logistically
Cari
I’m not sure. We could definitely find guys, but I don’t know how we could get her to meet them. She pretty much just works, volunteers, and goes to school and even that’s over soon
Mom
Wait, the graduation party. We already have over a hundred people coming. She might not realize there were extra boys there
Uncle Carlos
It’s not a bad idea, Dee. Our family parties are pretty massive with the Aunties and Uncles, and neighbors. Even Steve and I wind up not knowing some people
Aunt Jay
That could work, but it’s so soon…
Aunt Kim
So the plan would be to find a bunch of boys and invite them and she’d pick?
Cari
I think the fewer options the better. Otherwise, she’d be overwhelmed and figure it out. We could vet and weed potentials and present her with a top five… or a top three
Cousin Teagan
I love this! I have a friend who’s been bugging me about my 'cute cousin'
Cousin Joe
Same and it’s gross
Aunt Kim
There’s an adorable boy who works at our bookstore! I’ve wanted to set him up with Jaz forever, but she was always with her boyfriend
Aunt Minnie
Ugh. 'That boy.' He needs to go. Immediately. I’m in for whatever gets rid of him
Nonna
Jasmine, my little Bachelorette
Cari
If we do this, we’d have to start looking tonight. The Bachelor takes months of prep and we’ll only have a week. Let’s focus on finding three boys that will be great matches for her
Wait, this is all pretty half-baked. Is everyone good with this? Dad?
Dad
Well… I don’t like the idea of lying to Jaz
Mom
Remember when we caught her doing Paul’s homework two years ago and he almost broke up with her when she stopped? And she crie
d and begged us to let her help him with his term paper because he’d fail without her?
Dad
I’d almost forgotten
Mom
This may be our only chance to get him out of her life. If she moves in with him…
Dad
You’re right, mahal. If it gets Scumbag Paul out of the picture… without murder… yes. I think it might be okay
Aunt Tammy
I don’t know anyone offhand.… What should I do?
Cari
If you don’t have anyone in mind, let’s use social media to find contestants. Tell them we’re doing a local version of The Bachelorette, with a twist, but don’t use her name. We don’t need this getting back to her
Cari, I don’t know. She could find out
Cousin Joe
How? She has the tech skills of an 80yo woman. No offense, Nonna
Nonna
Hey, I’m on here and she’s not
Still
Cousin Wesley
I bet I can find someone before anyone else
Bet? Bet what? How much?
Cari
If any of you think of a better idea, I’m all ears. Otherwise, let’s get to work!
CHAPTER FIVE
I’m in my bedroom getting ready for work, and it’s hard to remember to breathe. Sometimes I can fool myself into thinking things are normal—that it’s just another day—but other times I know my world has cracked in two. It’s been like this since I came home from Burrito Friday and Cari and Davey told me about a post they saw on Instagram.
It was Paul with another girl.
The second Cari opened the app, it was like a sucker punch. I physically gripped my stomach. My body recognized the truth before I could even process it. Before Paul had a chance to come up with excuses.
When I confronted him that night, my boyfriend of four years, the one who’d remembered the one-month anniversary of our first kiss, looked me in the eyes and lied to me. He said the girl in the pic was just a friend, but I knew she wasn’t, even though he stood there and insisted nothing had happened. Even though he said I was overreacting. Even though he accused me of being controlling, of spying on him since he hadn’t posted the photo to his account and wasn’t even tagged. And he was so persuasive, I started to believe him… until he talked about us “exploring our options” this summer and “taking time apart until August.”