Love means that you’re allowed to criticize your loved one’s most annoying qualities, but if anyone else says even a word about any one of them, you will fucking cut their throats and leave them for dead.
Love makes you do the stupidest, bravest, most ridiculous and idiotic things in your life. It makes you scared and crazy and crazed and joyous. Love is all the feelings.
MAY 29
5:40 AM
5 Decisions made while lying beside my wife in a hospital bed in the middle of the night
I will tell her about my bingo robbery. Someday, somehow. Code Monkey style.
I will tell Bill that I love him.
Jill will not go back to work for at least one year. Two if possible.
I need to see my father.
I need to forgive my father. Someday, somehow.
MAY 29
6:25 AM
Truths
Luke Skywalker forgave his father in the final moments of his father’s life, even after his father killed his mentor and many of his friends and tried to kill his sister. If Luke Skywalker can forgive his father, I can someday forgive mine.
Star Wars is fiction. Luke Skywalker is not real. But my dad didn’t try to take over the galaxy, either. He just stopped calling. I can get over that.
MAY 29
12:10 PM
Bill at the hospital
Brought flowers. Jerk. I haven’t brought flowers yet.
“Your husband is a good, strange man.”
Sat by Jill. Held her hand while they talked.
“Do you have children, Bill?”
Tears.
Talk of Henry and April.
Tears.
“I’m just doing what everyone I’ve lost would want me to do. Moving forward. Living life. Making friends with dummies like Dan.”
Bill Donovan is a Vietnam vet whose 12-year-old son died of cancer and whose wife was murdered, and he still smiles and cracks jokes and brings flowers to new mothers.
Bill Donovan is a fucking superhero.
Held Cassidy like he’s been holding babies his whole life.
Sang “You Are My Sunshine” to my daughter. Son-of-a-bitch can sing, too.
“Bill Donovan, I want you to be my daughter’s godfather.”
Jill’s idea. On the spot.
Tears.
“You just met me. I can’t be her godfather.”
Tears. Bill and me and Jill.
“Dan gave Cassidy a piece of Peter. I want to give her a piece of you. She deserves as many great men in her life as possible. Stop your crying, old man, and say yes.”
My wife is a fucking superhero too.
MAY 29
2:05 PM
Steve’s ideas
Supplier of books for local schools
Partnerships with schools for special student events
Writing/art classes with local authors/artists/professors (50/50 split)
Friday night events (poetry readings, open mics, music)
Podcasting booth (rental and maybe our own?)
YouTube channel
Liquor license
Coffee (self-serve carafes until we can afford to build a coffee bar)
MAY 29
9:40 PM
Steve phone call
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s annoying.
Needing help is normal. The sooner you understand that, the better.
We should host book clubs in the store.
We don’t need to change the name. A New Chapter fits me, too.
Kimberly gave her two weeks.
Don’t ask.
We need a bookstore cat.
Heads up: Your wife probably hasn’t pooped yet since the C-section. It’s going to be a thing.
Thank you for this. It’s just what I was looking for.
MAY 30
2:30 PM
Lessons for Cassidy
Never, ever ask a woman if she is pregnant.
Old people look weird but have lots and lots of good stuff to say.
“I’m sorry. I made a mistake. I won’t do that again,” is always the best first response to any trouble you may be in.
Being a parent is hard. Forgive us when we fail you. Forgive us quickly. Please.
Most people settle for a career rather than chasing their passion and end up living lives of quiet desperation (not exactly my line). Promise yourself (and me) that you won’t let this happen to you.
If Uncle Jake says you can’t do both, don’t listen to him. He’s smart and kind, but he’s not daring.
You don’t have to be cool or beautiful to marry the best person in the world. The best people know that looks aren’t important and the coolest thing is just being yourself.
Remember that almost every disaster will be meaningless in a year. Maybe a week.
The unexpected thank-you note is the best kind of thank-you note.
The weird ones are the interesting ones.
You’ll never be as alone as you sometimes feel.
“Someday, somehow” is not a plan.
Befriend people smarter than you. Older, too. The old ones are the smartest of all.
Make sure that your bathing suit is securely fastened to your body before jumping off a diving board.
Always record video with your mobile phone in the horizontal position.
Your father swears too much. I’m sorry. Don’t do as I do in this regard.
Never, ever tell a person who asks you how to spell a word to look it up in the dictionary. There is no stupider way to find the spelling of a word. It’s also just a dick move.
Never, ever allow a person to sit alone in a cafeteria at lunch.
Don’t be “too cool” to sing, dance, or participate in gym class.
Shakespeare isn’t as hard as people want you to believe.
If you want something, fight for it in writing.
Winners arrive on time. Losers are always unexpectedly stuck in traffic.
Any chore that takes two minutes or less should be done immediately. Dishes in the sink should never be a thing. Clothing left in hampers is an act of savagery.
The single greatest thing you can do to guarantee your future success is to read a lot.
Don’t ever expect life to be fair.
Invest in an index fund. Compound interest is amazing. Reportedly.
Complain less than the people around you. If possible, don’t complain at all.
Nothing good ever comes from watching reality television. Hopefully it won’t exist by the time you read this list.
Drop mean friends instantly. There are too many good people in this world to waste your time with a selfish jerk-face.
Your father will always love you more than you could ever know.
Your mother is the best human being on the planet, so treat her well always and love her forever.
MAY 31
2:30 PM
Things I will say to Dad
We’re a lot alike. That’s our problem.
Let’s forgive each other right this very second and forget it ever happened.
Why a pergola?
I love you. I have always loved you.
Would you like to meet your granddaughter?
JUNE
JUNE 1
6:00 AM
Finances
Savings: 30,002
Income
Me: 2,976
Jill: 0
Expenses
Mortgage: 2,206
Toyota: 276
Car insurance: 175
Student loans: 395
Cable and Internet: 215
Electric: 143
Oil: 0
Phones: 180
Gas: 65
Diapers: 89
Wipes: 42
Aquaphor: 19
Boudreaux’s Butt Paste (a real thing): 15
Humidifier: 55
Sophie la Giraffe: 27
Nursing bras: 39
Baby clothing: 1
15
Other stuff: A lot. Babies are expensive.
Number of minutes per hour that I worry about running out of money
> 2
JUNE 1
7:35 AM
Shopping List
Special K
Dog food
Dreft HE laundry detergent
Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey
Notebook
Little Debbie Snack Cakes
Tulips
Powerball ticket
JUNE 1
8:15 AM
DAYS WITHOUT
Chocolate glazed doughnuts
13
Gum
4
Crying
0
Little Debbie Snack Cakes
0 (fuck it)
Green vegetables
1
Flossing
0
Retail rage
2
Regret over quitting my job
0
Dad
0
JUNE 1
2:00 PM
My Highlight’s submission
Not Alone
First I found love.
Then I found me.
Then she arrived,
and he returned,
and I was whole again.
Submitted June 1 by Daniel Mayrock, age 37
ALSO BY MATTHEW DICKS
FICTION
Something Missing
Unexpectedly, Milo
Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend
The Perfect Comeback of Caroline Jacobs
NONFICTION
Storyworthy
MATTHEW DICKS is a writer and elementary school teacher. He has been published in the Hartford Courant, featured at the Books on the Nightstand retreat, and is a Moth StorySLAM champion. He is the author of four previous novels, Something Missing; Unexpectedly, Milo; Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend, an international bestseller, and The Perfect Comeback of Caroline Jacobs. His novels have been translated into more than twenty-five languages. Dicks lives in Newington, Connecticut, with his wife, Elysha, and their two children. You can sign up for email updates here.
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CONTENTS
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Acknowledgments
November
December
January
February
March
April
May
June
Also by Matthew Dicks
About the Author
Copyright
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.
First published in the United States by St. Martin’s Press, an imprint of St. Martin’s Publishing Group
TWENTY-ONE TRUTHS ABOUT LOVE. Copyright © 2019 by Matthew Dicks. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Publishing Group, 120 Broadway, New York, NY 10271.
Lyrics from “Code Monkey” copyright © 2006 by Jonathan Coulton
www.stmartins.com
Cover design by Kerri Resnick
Cover illustration © Bibadash/Shutterstock.com
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-10348-2 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-250-10349-9 (ebook)
eISBN 9781250103499
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at MacmillanSpecialMarkets@macmillan.com.
First Edition: November 2019