Jackson (just call the kid Jack and get it over with)
Mabel (a clear indicator that your parents have too much time on their hands)
Stephen (this is the dumb way to spell Steven)
Brandon/Brenden/Braydon/Brayden (no one will ever be sure what your name actually is)
Clark (mind immediately goes to Clark Kent and Superman, which are impossible shoes to fill)
Jenny (the Jen/Jenn/Jenny/Jeni options are just too much)
John (when you care enough to slap the most ordinary name of all time on your child)
Any name assigned simply to fulfill a familial, cultural, or religious obligation
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
There is a special place in hell for anyone who thinks they have any say over the naming of a child with the exception of that child’s parents.
MAY 23
7:00 PM
Jill
She looks so tired even though she’s in bed all day.
Hands never leave her belly.
“The nurses loved that blueberry pie you brought. So smart, hon.”
“Are those new jeans?”
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
There’s nothing wrong with taking credit for someone else’s idea when it makes a fragile person happy.
Pie is the best food item to gift to others.
When the person responsible for the laundry ceases to do the laundry, one of two things happen:
A new person begins doing the laundry.
Clothing emerges from closets and drawers that hasn’t been seen in decades.
MAY 24
9:20 AM
Words that belong on a child’s T-shirt
I’m just a kid, damn it.
This is just a game, jackass.
Are you really going to rob me of my precious childhood with this meaningless worksheet?
Leave my coach alone. I don’t see you at practice every Tuesday and Thursday night.
These referees aren’t paid enough to deal with assholes like you, so shut the fuck up.
If some school district in the state declares it a snow day, you’d better damn well call a snow day for us, too.
Give me $5. It would mean the world to me. It’s just another espresso to you.
Possible business idea?
T-shirt company that puts my wit and wisdom on shirts
MAY 24
11:45 PM
Dad’s letter #3
Written July 22, 2016
“I’m so ashamed of myself.”
Three sentences long.
MAY 25
7:50 AM
Accomplishments so far this morning
Squeezed out (through Herculean effort) last bit of toothpaste from tube
Did not get toothpaste on shirt
Convinced Clarence that leftover chili was dog food
Added dog food to the shopping list
Realized that I somehow put on two pairs of underwear
Did not become weepy while listening to “Code Monkey”
MAY 25
7:58 AM
Devastating lyrics to “Code Monkey” by Jonathan Coulton
[Verse 1]
Code Monkey get up, get coffee
Code Monkey go to job
Code Monkey have boring meeting
With boring manager Rob
Rob say Code Monkey very diligent
But his output stink
His code not “functional” or “elegant”
What do Code Monkey think?
[Pre-Chorus 1]
Code Monkey think maybe manager want to write god-damned login page himself
Code Monkey not say it out loud
Code Monkey not crazy, just proud
[Chorus]
Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you
[Verse 2]
Code Monkey hang around at front desk
Tell you sweater look nice
Code Monkey offer buy you soda
Bring you cup, bring you ice
You say no thank you for the soda cause
Soda make you fat
Anyway you busy with the telephone
No time for chat
[Pre-Chorus 2]
Code Monkey have long walk back to cubicle
He sit down pretend to work
Code Monkey not thinking so straight
Code Monkey not feeling so great
[Chorus]
Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you a lot
[Verse 3]
Code Monkey have every reason
To get out this place
Code Monkey just keep on working
See your soft pretty face
Much rather wake up, eat a coffee cake
Take bath, take nap
This job “fulfilling in creative way”
Such a load of crap
[Pre-Chorus 3]
Code Monkey think someday he have everything
Even pretty girl like you
Code Monkey just waiting for now
Code Monkey say someday, somehow
[Chorus]
Code Monkey like Fritos
Code Monkey like Tab and Mountain Dew
Code Monkey very simple man
With big warm fuzzy secret heart
Code Monkey like you
Code Monkey like you
MAY 25
9:20 AM
Reasons I seriously worry about Code Monkey in Jonathan Coulton’s song “Code Monkey”
His manager doesn’t see his talent
He dreams of having everything someday but has no plan
The pretty girl clearly despises him
“Just waiting for now” usually means forever
“Someday, somehow” are wishful thoughts that invariably lead to disaster
MAY 25
9:33 AM
Dream jobs
Successful bookstore owner
Statler or Waldorf (in any context)
Best-selling author
Part-time college professor with a full-time salary
Mail carrier
Lottery winner
MAY 26
7:15 PM
I don’t have to do this.
I can back out at any moment.
It’s crazy.
My wife is pregnant and my baby is in danger and we are running out of money.
I don’t want to lose my wife.
I don’t want to be my father.
I want to be something.
Fifteen minutes will change everything.
It’s a good plan.
Maybe I’ve seen just enough heist movies.
Maybe I’ve seen too many heist movies.
MAY 26
7:28 PM
Pre-gig positioning checklist
Car
Bike
Duffel
Town Hall checklist
Door
Ski mask
Door
Stage
Speech
Marcos
Money
Door
Hallway
Ski mask
Door
Escape checklist
Walk
Bike
Car
Car
MAY 27
8:14 PM
This is crazy.
This isn’t me.
I can’t do this.
MAY 27
8:17 PM
This is a good plan.
We will run out of money in a month.
Maybe I should start a GoFundMe page.
I’m so tired of being afraid.
I’m so tired of waking up every morning thinking about our bank account.
Bill is a Vietnam veteran whose son died of cancer and whose wife was murdered.
“I wasn’t tough enough. Not brave enough. Not willing to do whatever it took to make sure you and Jake were okay.”
“Stand strong for your child in a way I never did. Do whatever needs to be done to keep that child safe and happy.”
There are no other solutions.
This is a good plan.
“Some day, some how” is now.
I’m excited.
I want to be someone.
I can do this.
MAY 27
8:23 PM
Remember
Get between table and audience
Leave ski mask and hat behind before exiting
Speed is more important than getting every dollar
Flank your adversary when possible
Don’t drop your guard
Decide NOW to always be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH
Stay calm
MAY 27
8:26 PM
My lines
“Don’t move.”
“Don’t speak.”
“If you follow my instructions, Marcos won’t have to hurt you.”
“Drop all the money in this duffel.”
“Stay silent.”
“Sit still.”
“Count to 100.”
“I’m sorry.”
MAY 27
8:48 PM
You can do this.
These are old ladies.
You can run fast.
This will save us.
This will make it good for Jill and our baby.
MAY 27
8:52 PM
This is the bravest thing I’ve ever done.
I wish I didn’t have to be brave.
I wish I weren’t such a failure.
I wish I could just be a regular good man for Jill and our baby.
I am so tired of being a failure.
I want to be someone.
I wish Peter hadn’t died.
MAY 27
9:02 PM
Be aggressive.
Move fast.
It’s better to get nothing than to get caught.
Remember that these are old ladies.
MAY 27
9:22 PM
This will all be over in 15 minutes.
I need this money.
I’m not a bad man.
I love Jill so much.
I love our baby so much.
Go time.
MAY 27
9:23 PM
“Go time” is such a stupid thing to say.
I’m not a “Go time” kind of guy.
I’m doing this.
I’m doing this now.
MAY 27
9:31 PM
Fuck.
Think.
Can’t move until those three guys clear the hallway.
Why are there three guys standing in the hallway on a Friday night?
Three suits.
One briefcase.
Arguing about someone named Gary.
If they take the stairs, they will see me.
Hiding under the stairwell was a bad idea. Now I look guilty.
If they see me, this is over before it started.
MAY 27
9:36 PM
Who else could be here on a Friday night?
Why didn’t I check?
I haven’t seen enough heist movies.
One person—politician, secretary, janitor—could ruin everything.
I’m so stupid.
MAY 27
9:38 PM
Nothing went perfectly smoothly for Danny Ocean and his gang, either.
MAY 27
9:39 PM
Bizarre urge to call Bill right now.
Or my father.
MAY 27
9:42 PM
Gary is officially off my potential baby name list.
Fuck this Gary guy. He sounds like a prick.
MAY 27
9:44 PM
Gone.
Elevator.
Now.
MAY 27
9:45 PM
Now.
Now or never.
Don’t be Code Monkey.
Go be someone.
MAY 27
9:51 PM
Think.
Breathe.
Don’t move.
I did it.
So far.
Will the police check the garage?
Fucking breathe.
Just wait.
Don’t do anything stupid.
Think.
MAY 27
9:53 PM
Good
“Marcos” worked. I can’t believe it.
I was so calm.
I left ski mask and hat behind.
I think I got it all.
Why Marcos worked
Scary name
The shark in Jaws is scariest when it can’t be seen.
If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
Bad
Lady was too afraid to move at first. Started crying. I don’t blame her.
I had to yell to get her to move.
I felt way too bad about making her cry.
Police car driving by on South Main as I exited building.
Why did I assume that cops would be at the station on a Friday night?
Old lady definitely didn’t count to 100.
Maybe counted way too fast. I should’ve told her Mississippis.
Old ladies exited front entrance instead of following me to side door.
Old ladies a lot faster than I thought.
Old ladies are smarter than I thought.
70 is apparently the new 50.
I got screwed by my own ageism.
Maybe someone playing bingo saw me. Saw ski mask.
Probably when I yelled.
Old ladies spotted me crossing South Main toward bike.
Probably recognized duffel.
Cops might have spotted me crossing South Main too.
Did they see me turn left and run into parking garage?
Fuck.
MAY 27
9:57 PM
Questions
Did anyone see me enter parking garage? Cops? Old ladies? Witnesses?
Is it better to leave now or wait?
Fuck.
MAY 27
10:05 PM
Miracles
The police cruiser was just past me as I exited the town hall.
I stayed calm.
I crossed South Main without getting run over by traffic.
No bystander tried to stop me.
Old ladies can’t yell loud.
MAY 27
10:07 PM
Waiting is bad.
Circle might be closing.
Other cars are leaving.
Everything seems normal.
I should go.
Drive, Dan.
MAY 27
10:08 PM
Phone
Hospital
Nurse
Stay calm
Been trying to call
Jill in surgery
Baby coming
Don’t get in accident driving over
Nothing you can do
Just come
MAY 27
10:11 PM
Plan
Three levels down.
Right onto South Main.
Left onto Sedgwick.
I-84.
Hospital.
Stay calm.
Reread plan.
Drive.
MAY 27
10:12 PM
Fuck.
Line of cars.
Cops checking cars at exit to garage.
Trunks.
Flashlights.
Looking f
or duffel, I bet.
I’ll say, “I went to a movie. Alone.”
“Wife having baby.”
Stay calm.
God help me.
I’m so stupid.
MAY 27
10:13 PM
Six cars to go
One billion cops
One billion flashlights
One duffel bag
MAY 27
10:14 PM
Four cars to go.
MAY 27
10:15 PM
Don’t know any movies playing right now.
Fuck.
MAY 27
10:17 PM
Thank God for the Internet.
No heist movies.
Too bad. Better story.
Story I can never tell.
Still alone. Always alone.
Danny Ocean had 11 or 12 partners. I just want one. Just one person.
MAY 27
10:18 PM
Steve. He’s the answer. He’s always been the answer.
Steve.
Damn it.
This couldn’t have occurred to me 30 minutes ago?
Addition to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Solutions to enormous problems have a habit of appearing a day late and a dollar short, and in the strangest of circumstances.
MAY 27
11:14 PM
My daughter
Girl
Born at 10:23 PM
15.9 inches
3.05 pounds
“Big for her age.”
Tears
“No promises, but it looks good.”
Her father was with the police when she was born.
MAY 28
12:11 AM
Good
Stayed calm. I can’t fucking believe it.
Pre-breaking Corvette window
Planting duffel in back seat
Getting nurse back on phone just before cops inspected car
Bad
I missed the birth of my daughter
Duffel still in Corvette (I hope)
I think I need to return the money
Additions to Dan’s Laws of the Universe
Fathers can’t afford to be thieves or failures or fuckups.
Some Laws of the Universe present themselves too goddamn late to be of help.
MAY 28