Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 11:43am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: Liam O’Keefe
Please be informed that in recognition of his unstinting efforts of late I have decided to award Liam a lump sum bonus of £15,000.
Could you please note this in your own records and instruct the appropriate parties in accounts.
Si
Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 11:49am
to: Melinda Sheridan
cc:
re: Tarantino
Melinda, precious, I am flattered that my name should be linked with his.
I am sure Quentin feels likewise.
But for the life of me I do not know from where this talk springs.
Rest assured that talk is all it is.
On a separate point, you would be advised to keep your department’s Sony Digicam under lock and key.
This is a valuable piece of agency equipment.
It must be kept out of irresponsible hands.
Si
Liam O’Keefe – 1/6/00, 11:50am
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: pay dirt
Sold movie rights. Lunch. Think big (three courses and coffee).
Rachel Stevenson – 1/6/00, 11:51am
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: you and Zoë
I would prefer you stopped copying me on your rebukes to Zoë. If the pair of you are having personal problems, please sort them out between yourselves. If they persist, speak to me directly. Thank you.
Letitia Hegg / letitia@tavistockhegg.aol.co.uk 1/6/00, 12:00pm
to: simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Letty awaits
Darling, the ’95 is rooming and your favourite crab cakes are en route from Silk and Spice. I am slavering!
Rachel Stevenson – 1/6/00, 12:03pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Pinki and Liam
Simon informs me that he has re-instated Pinki Fallon, but I am not clear as to whether she was fired or resigned. From a legal standpoint this is a crucial distinction. There is another rather confusing issue. Have you sanctioned Pinki’s 20k rise and Liam’s 15k bonus? If the answer is yes, I will put the paperwork in hand. Can we talk please? Thanks.
David Crutton – 1/6/00, 12:10pm
to: Simon Horne
cc: Lorraine Pallister
re: crunch time
I will return from lunch at 15:30hrs. Then I’ll probably go for a piss, call my lovely wife, and then no doubt I’ll have my daily video-conference with our American cousins. So at 16:45hrs I should be free to see this amazing Coke campaign. You can also entertain me with the story of Pinki, Liam and thirty-five grand.
Lorraine, make sure he turns up.
Lorraine Pallister – 1/6/00, 12:26pm
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: nosebag
Well done on your windfall. I’ve booked a cab to l’Odeon on Boss Man’s account. Fuck knows if it’s any good, but when I was doing his ex’s it looked bloody pricey. If we get a quiet table with an overhanging cloth, I’ll show you how a northern girl says congrats to her boy. See you in reception in fifteen. And get my knickers back – they cost me £25.
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fi 1/6/00, 12:33pm (2:33pm local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: crunch time
How like the peas in the pods are we! I too am evacuating my bladder before I am speaking to my dear wife!
Your twin,
Pertti
Liam O’Keefe – 1/6/00, 12:36pm
to: Nigel Godley
cc:
bcc: Lorraine Pallister
re: Victoria’s Secret
Nige, discretion on this is appreciated, but the scanties in your drawer are mine. Pop them in a brown bag and hand them over when we have a beer. When are you free? Tonight? Can’t wait, pal.
Nigel Godley – 1/6/00, 12:54pm
cc:
re: Victoria’s Secret
I’ve put them in the internal post. Sorry, but can’t go for that drink now. The end-of-year reports are in hand. April may seem an age away, but in terms of workload versus time given, I’m snowed under. When they’re finished I’m off on hols. In Jun/Jul we’re switching to a new payroll system. Then, Aug/Sept are always busy and before you know it, Christmas will be upon us and you know what Christmas is like. Oh well, never mind. Got to go now, invoices don’t reconcile themselves, you know. – Nige.
Shanice Duff – 1/6/00, 12:57pm
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: p spaces
Rachel, thank heaven Ken is back tomorrow. Maybe now we can all get back to normal. He told me to tell you he’d take the parking space normally reserved for Dan Westbrooke – Ken didn’t think he’d mind.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/6/00, 12:59pm
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: lunchy-poos . . .
. . . and your cab’s here. Give Letitia a big Teletubby hug from me . . . Sx
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/6/00, 1:00pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: lunch
It’s time for our talk.
James Gregory – 1/6/00, 1:02pm
to: Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re: Kimbelle
Just got off the phone to client. I really think we should talk.
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 1:03pm
to: James Gregory
cc:
re: Kimbelle
James, I have a company to run. This will have to wait. Put some time in my diary for tomorrow afternoon.
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 1:06pm
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: Ken Perry
Rachel, I have had Ken’s Shanice wittering on the phone. She tells me that you have authorised him to have my parking space and that I am to have one by the rubbish skips. You do realise that this current space is mine by virtue of seniority? I am sure that there has been some mistake. Please confirm.
Zoë Clarke – 1/6/00, 1:07pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: lunch
Sorry, can’t do it now. Going for full wax, then need to buy something black – remember I told you it’s my next door neighbour’s funeral tomorrow and I won’t be here. And since I start with David on Monday, there’s not much point in chatting, is there? See ya!!!!!!
David Crutton – 1/6/00, 1:08pm
to: Chandra Kapoor
cc: Rachel Stevenson
re: balls on the line
I am about to go to lunch. If I return to find another unsolicited e-mail from Pertti van Helden, Yogi Bear, Deputy Dawg or any other fuck-head masquerading as a lynchpin of the Miller Shanks network, you will find my patience has snapped once and for all.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/6/00, 1:11pm
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: Zoë Clarke
I have had enough of her. She is lazy, rude and incompetent. If you want my opinion, she is quite unsuitable for the most senior secretarial job in the agency.
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fi 1/6/00, 1:13pm (3:13pm local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks–london.co.uk
cc:
re: balls on the line
To be mentioned in the same breathings as Deputy Dawg and Yogi Bear is an honour of which I feel most unworthy of deserving.
You are a true friend – Pertti.
Rachel Stevenson – 1/6/00, 1:16pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: Zoë Clarke
Seems I got your opinion whether I wanted it or not. You had better see me.
Chandra Kapoor – 1/6/00, 1:18pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: e-mail
We need to carry out urgent maintenance on Lotus Notes and the server will shut down for approximately two hours. This will take place at 1:30 today, so everyone should log off the system before then. We apologise for the inconvenience, but once we are up and running again we will have seen the last of e-mails that end up in the wrong hands.
Chandra Kapoor
Head of IT
Brett Topowlski – 1/6/00, 1:29pm
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: bloody ada
Just back from doc’s. Can’t believe what we missed. Vin is catatonic. Does this mea
* * *
Chandra Kapoor – 1/6/00, 3:15pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: e-mail
I’m happy to report that e-mail is online again. Thank you for your patience.
Zoë Clarke – 1/6/00, 3:16pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: working relationships
What have you been saying to Rachel? She’s just had me down there for half an hour, talking to me about the importance of the job of PA to a CEO! What am I? An idiot? I know how important this job is and I can do it standing on my head which is more than can be said of you!!!!!!!!! I’m more professional, discreet and trustworthy than you’ll ever be in a million years!!! And you know I’ve got a funeral tomorrow. This is a really bad time for me and I’m really upset and have only stayed on at work today because of my professional attitude!!! And don’t try and deny that you’ve been slagging me off! She wouldn’t’ve known about me being off tomorrow if you hadn’t’ve told her!!! As for people slagging people off behind their backs, I wouldn’t be so high and sodding mighty if I was you!!! Simon thinks you’re useless and I know that ’cos he told someone who told me. Given how discreet I am, don’t bother to ask me who it was either. You’re just jealous ’cos I’m working for David and I’ll be more important than you!!
Zoë Clarke – 1/6/00, 3:19pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: Susi
Mate, from one un-stuck-up chick to another, this is a warning. As of Monday, you are going to be working with the bitch from hell!!! She’s a fucking little Hitler!!!! She waxes her top lip!!!!! Anyway, any tips you wanna give about working for David, pass them on. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours!!! I’m going now. I’ve got a really traumatising bereavement to cope with, but I’ll be in on Monday – in my new job!!!! We’ll go for a JD & Coke then! Loveya. . . Zxxx
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/6/00, 3:20pm
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
bcc: David Crutton
Simon Horne
re: Zoë Clarke
Rachel, I’m forwarding an e-mail I just received from Zoë. This is the kind of behaviour I have to put up with on a daily basis.
I’ve emboldened the parts that I find the most offensive. This isn’t a formal complaint – strictly FYI.
ATTACHMENT
Zoë Clarke – 1/6/00, 3:16pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: you two-faced bitch!!!!!!
What the fuck have you been saying to Rachel? She’s just had me down there for fucking half an hour, talking to me about the importance of the job of PA to a CEO! What am I? A fucking idiot? I know how important this job is and I can do it standing on my fucking head which is more than can be said of you, you fucking self-important, precious bitch!!!!!!!!! I’m more professional, discreet and trustworthy than you’ll ever be in a million years!!! And you know I’ve got a funeral tomorrow. This is a really bad time for me and I’m really upset and have only stayed on at work today because of my professional attitude!!! And don’t try and deny that you’ve been slagging me off! She wouldn’t’ve known about me being off tomorrow if you hadn’t’ve told her!!! As for people slagging people off behind their backs, I wouldn’t be so high and sodding mighty if I was you!!! Simon thinks you’re a useless twat and I know that ’cos he told someone who told me. Given how discreet I am, don’t bother to ask me who it was either. You’re just a jealous bitch ’cos I’m working for David and I’ll be more important than you!! Shove it up your arse, Susi, you vicious fucking cow.
Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 3:26pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: review
Be so kind as to let my department know that the Coke review scheduled for 3:30 today is no longer required.
If the wastrels wish to know why, tell them this.
I have once again saved them.
I have come up with the Coke campaign and will be visiting it upon David post-haste.
Simon Horne – 1/6/00 – 3:31pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: creative juices
David, I have just returned from a working lunch where my mind was in creative hyperdrive.
I have a compelling new idea on Coke that demands your immediate attention.
Are you free?
Si
David Crutton – 1/6/00, 3:37pm
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: creative juices
My videoconference with Weissmuller has been cancelled, so you’re in luck. Come up in thirty minutes. Before you do though, tell your PA that I do not get involved in malicious inter-secretarial squabbles. If she blind copies me on another vicious e-mail, it will be the last thing she does at Miller Shanks.
David Crutton – 1/6/00, 3:40pm
to: Chandra Kapoor
cc:
re: back to normal?
I trust I can send e-mails with impunity once again. For instance, if I choose to write that Pertti van Helden is a grade-A prick, I can rest assured that he won’t be reading it a couple of cyberseconds after I click “send”?
simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/6/00, 3:43pm
to: letitia@tavistockhegg.aol.co.uk
cc:
re: eternal thanks
My thanks for a wondrous hour and a half of ravishing cuisine and company.
You also have my gratitude for showing me the portfolios in your tender care. The youngsters you represent demonstrate fresh thinking aplenty.
As I promised, I have given them serious thought. However, upon reflection I feel their ideas lack the killer punch.
The one that leaps off the layout and lands a crunching left to the jaw.
So whilst it was illuminating, I shall not be bringing any of your little flock into my fold for the time being.
Never mind, time spent in your delightful company is never wasted.
True friendship, such as we share, is the single thing that keeps one sane in this shallow and Machiavellian business.
Lunch soon? My shout. Give me a call and we will find a window.
Si
David Crutton – 1/6/00, 3:47pm
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: Zoë Clarke
I enjoyed her outburst at Horne’s breadstick of a secretary. It looks like you’ve finally supplied me with a PA with the balls for the job. Congratulations.
Letitia Hegg / letitia@tavistockhegg.aol.co.uk 1/6/00, 3:50pm
to: simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: eternal thanks
Darling, I am mortified. And you seemed so smitten while you were here. Did you not even like Kitty and Jane, my two starlets from Watford College? I think their campaigns for Blockbuster and 7UP are little wonders. Aah, well, I suppose I should be used to your unflinching perfectionism by now.
And yes, lunch would be heaven. I’ll have my Girl Friday speak to yours.
Letty
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fi 1/6/00, 3:55pm (5:55pm local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: jokings aside
I must say that your e-mailing is taking lightheartened bantering to
o far. In my country Prik is a leading brand of fertiliser deriving from the faecal leavings of chickens and other domestic fowls. Even in its premium Grade-A variant, to be likening to Prik is underneath the waistband. I must be asking you in future to be turning down the ratchet a notch or two on the friendly joshing.
What-ho, Jeeves – Pertti
David Crutton – 1/6/00, 3:57pm
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: Kapoor
No arguments, Rachel, fire Chandra Kapoor immediately and recruit a new head of IT. I don’t care if you hire a dimmer-than-average rhesus monkey to do the job. Just make sure he/she/it can fix my fucking e-mail.
simon_horne@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/6/00, 4:01pm
to: letitia@tavistockhegg.aol.co.uk
cc:
re: eternal thanks
Letitia my sweet, of course you are a headhunter and sounding the fanfare for your young charges is your job.
But your promotion of those Watford girls surprises me.
Their Blockbuster work beggars description; their IT’S IN THE CAN campaign for 7UP is a self-conscious attempt at fashionability.
Excuse my bluntness, but you risk harm to your credibility by pushing them at the better agencies.
I must hasten away now.
David demands to be dazzled.
Si
Brett Topowlski – 1/6/00, 4:03pm
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: as I was saying . . .
. . . before I was so rudely interrupted by IT. Me and Vin couldn’t wait for you to get back from banging Lol so we dug through your desk and found your copy of the movie. It makes Blair Witch look mega-budget slick but it’s a fucking stonker. Loved the money shot – Horne excelled himself. I nipped to TV and ran off a copy for a couple of mates at Grey. They used to work in Horne’s group at O&M and they’ll be gagging to see it. Don’t mind do you?
Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 4:32pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: bubbly
Come hither and pop open a bottle now. I think you and I should drink to Polyhymnia, my muse. David is besotted with my Coke idea!
Liam O’Keefe – 1/6/00, 4:37pm
to: Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: as I was saying . . .