Sent: 28 January 2009, 10.59
Subject:
You here, Lazarus? You happen to have a Dutch vodka campaign concealed about your person? Ted wants to see one. Like now.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.07
Subject: Re:
Sorry, but I’ve only just got in. I had to spend some time at the flat showing Comfort how the heating, the microwave and Super PONG work. (Can you believe they haven’t heard of Super PONG in Nigeria? They’re very behind the times technologically speaking.) I haven’t given Ketel One any thought. I’ve got an Orangina campaign in my bottom drawer. I did it at M&C Saatchi, but Graham Fink said it was too childish. Or did he say it was deranged? Or was that my Hyundai poster? Except I’m pretty sure he said that was the work of a psychopath. He used to make up words like “psychopath” and “borderlinepersonalitydisorder” just to get people out of his office. Anyway, I think my Vimto campaign is brilliant. By the way, are we proper partners now? That is so exciting! I haven’t had a partner for longer than three days since I left college.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.11
Subject: Re:
Yes, we’re proper partners. Like it or not, I feel an unbreakable bond between us. It stretches from here to literal eternity.
Not that you need a partner any more. With Comfort in your pad and $80 million in the bank, what the fuck are you doing at work?
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.15
Subject: Re:
Comfort didn’t actually have $80 million. She had just enough to get us flight tickets. And before you say she was lying about the money (because I know you will), she wasn’t. Her maths is really bad and there are a lot of things that she honestly believes that aren’t actually true. Like her dad isn’t an oil broker. He’s a taxi driver. And he isn’t actually dead. He gave us a lift to the airport. We flew with this airline called Arik, which I think is a misspelling of Eric, who’s probably the owner’s son. There’s a lot of that in Nigeria. I’ve just remembered another word that Graham Fink made up. He used to say delusional a lot. I checked the dictionary and you’ll be amazed to learn that it’s real! It means holding an idiosyncratic belief despite it being contradicted by reality. Do you think Comfort might be delusional?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.16
Subject: Re:
Well, if she is, she’s come to the right place.
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.17
Subject: I’m fucking waiting
You, Harvey and K1, my office, now.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.18
Subject:
We’re going to see Ted. Grab your Orangina campaign.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.19
Subject: Re:
But it says Orangina in the bottom right-hand corner. And it has babies in it. And a puppy.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.20
Subject: Re:
I’ll improvise.
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.33
Subject: Catch ups
Hello Teddy my favorite creating director! I am want to catch up on the matters of today. I miss the meeting for Montana yesterdays because I am travel Finland the great nation of Scandinavia with the top markings in ski jump, mobile phone covering and Lapp dancing (ha-ha, are you getting it?!).
But even if I have many kilometers afar I am stay on the top of Montana campaign. You must make your creating teams do the more zany ideas and we can show Mr. Montana our excellent creationity.
Reach for the ceilings!
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.36
Subject: Re: Catch ups
Mate, what’s going on? You totally off your tits on Finnish vodka?
By the way, Liam and Harvey have just shown me a rocking K1 idea. I think the bastards have pulled it out of the fire once again.
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.40
Subject: Re: Catch ups
I am wish this is true, but I have not vodka or not the tits. I am horrifical burn in the aeroplane pasta accident but I recovers with the helpings of my old friend Pertti Van Helden. He is the ballcock of hairy big dog.
I think Liam and Harvey is deserved a paying increasement. I am always of favor to reward the creation excellency with financial pleasantry. As the Big Chief Swing Dick I command you make this to occur.
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: David Crutton
To: Caroline Zitter
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.46
Subject:
I check my diary schedules and I seeing we have the meeting in 2.30 today for discuss the strategy of the Liquorice Allsort.
Apology I will not be attentive. I am undisposed in a land far-away. Please hold the meetings without me. Free your minds and let them fly to the galaxies!
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Caroline Zitter
To: David Crutton
Sent: 28 January 2009, 11.47
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office attending Seminar Overload: Sorting the Best from the Bullshit. I will return on Friday 30th January.
327 days 23 hours and 43 minutes later
Mood: sullied cheapened vulgarized
From: Janice Crutton
To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.04
Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 9
Well, here we are again. Another year, another catalog of ups, downs and in-betweens. Mostly ups, it must be said. The highlight, of course, was the arrival of Petra Rosebud, all 71b 3oz of her! I’ve bored you already with countless pictures, so I won’t bang on. I’ll just attach the mpeg of Noah frying the afterbirth.
Joking!
In brief, little Petra is sleeping like an angel. For half an hour at a stretch. My God, I’d forgotten how exhausting motherhood is!
But she is a true delight. David and I couldn’t have wished for a more perfect anniversary gift.
Twenty years! Can any of you believe it, even those of you that were at our party? I know I can’t. It really has gone by in a flash. For those of you that weren’t at the do, all I can do is repeat what I said then. It has been a remarkable twenty years: joyous, happy and filled with laughter. I feel very lucky to have found in David someone so loving and supportive. And after all these years I sense our marriage has entered a new phase of transcendent calm.
[saved as draft]
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.12
Subject: To do
A reminder of today’s packed itinerary:
Do not be late. You are on two strikes.
Jan
PS: On your way home pick up tea bags and Sudocrem.
PPS: And that Dordogne book. Our host has expressed an interest.
thebookseller.com
Christmas bestsellers 1. Dordogne Twilight Simon Horne
2. Harry Potter and the Hallucinogenic Gap Year J. K. Rowling
3. Ramsay’s Soup Kitchen Gordon Ramsay
4. Can I Really Get Away with Another Book Where I Pretty Much Make It up as I Go Along? Malcolm Gladwell
; From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.24
Subject: Re: To do
Got a few more e-mails to send and I’m out of here. By the way, why do we have to fly so damn early tomorrow? Come to mention it, why do we have to fly at all?
PS: You know I’d do anything for you, but please don’t mention the Dordogne book again.
PPS: Ever.
PPPS: What’s Sudocrem?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.27
Subject: Re: To do
We have to fly so damn early because our dear friend has very kindly organized a trip to see Father Christmas in Lahti. The sled leaves at noon tomorrow. Just be home on time.
FYI, Sudocrem is a product for the relief of nappy rash. Nappies are worn by babies. We have a baby.
From: Janice Crutton
To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.33
Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 9 [continued]
David has made a good recovery from his burns. The scarring isn’t as bad as we’d feared. If anything, around the eyes it has even taken a year or two off him! His remedy, as ever, has been to throw himself into work. He can be very proud that in this economic annus horribilis, Meerkat360 has not only survived but, dare I say it, thrived.
[saved as draft]
From: Bill Geddes
To: David Crutton, Ted Berry
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.34
Subject: Possible problem
Strictly FYI at this stage, but the Advertising Standards Authority has had a stack of complaints about Ketel One. Below are some quotes that capture the general tenor.
Obviously there’ll be no adjudication on this until the New Year, which will see the client safely through the all-important Christmas sales period, but we do need to prepare for the worst.
Sorry to be the bearer of the opposite of glad tidings so close to the break.
Bill
<< I cannot believe they put those sweet little babies and innocent puppies in the vodka advertisements. The perpetrators should rot in jail with the paedos and hedge-fund managers. There they would be gang-raped by the armed robbers and hell’s angels. That would teach them a lesson they wouldn’t forget in a hurry. »
<< I am appalled by the advert that depicts babies mixing cocktails. Particularly shocking is the one that shows the wee mite operating a blender. I myself have a beautiful one-year-old. What if she were to see it and attempt to mix her own Ketel One Strawberry Daiquiri? I have sleepless nights imagining her scaling the kitchen worktop and tumbling headfirst into the blender jug, where she is pickled in a lethal mixture of pulped fruit and alcohol before being shredded by the whirling steel blades. This must surely breach every health and safety regulation going. »
<< A puppy in a blender? Advertising has finally gone too far. >>
From: David Crutton
To: Bill Geddes
Cc: Ted Berry
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.37
Subject: Re: Possible problem
Thank you, Bill. Isn’t that just the final bottle of Brut in my Christmas stocking? I can add it to the writ from the government of Rwanda for playground cigarette trafficking, the recall last week by Esmée Éloge of two million bottles of Eau de Thatch after the House of Fraser spray monkey blinded six customers, and the loss of the Royal National Institute of Blind People account after the aforementioned debacle.
Am I really destined to spend the whole of 2010 in court? Looks like it.
You’ve done me one favor though. Suddenly a fortnight in fucking Finland looks blissfully appealing. In my absence, why not pass this one on to Caroline? After a year of wall-to-wall empowerment seminars, there’s surely no problem too gargantuan for her to fix.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Caroline Zitter
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.39
Subject: Ketel One
Hi Caroline. David has asked me to brief you on a Ketel One issue. Are you free?
From: Caroline Zitter
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.40
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am feeling unwell and won’t be in today.
From: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.40
Subject: Vegas
I’m sorry, Liam, but I’m really worried. I know Brett, Vince and Princess Jasmine (BTW, that cannot be her real name) will be gutted if we pull out, but are you sure this trip is a good idea? You’ve achieved so much in the last year, but all your hard work could be undone after just a few minutes on the Strip. Remember how you lost it in Southend, and that was just a poxy arcade on the pier? Sorry to be so gloomy, but it’s not too late to cancel. What do you think?
From: Neil Godley
To: All Staff
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.41
Subject: Christ is born!
The shepherds said unto one another,
“Let us go to Bethlehem and see this thing that
has happened,
which the Lord has told us about.”
Please join me for a service of traditional Christmas song in the multi-denominational chapel at 6.00 this evening. Enjoy all your old favorites, including “Ding Dong Merrily on High,” “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem” and “Away in a Manger.”
From: Nigel Godley
To: All Staff
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.42
Subject: Come praise Him!
On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother, Mary, and they bowed down and worshipped him.
Glad tidings, everyone! Today Pastor Terry Treacher of the Grace Triumphant Church of the Moral High Ground will lead us in EXULTANT PRAYERS of JOYOUS CELEBRATION of the birthday of OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST. Come to the multidenominational chapel at lunchtime to share the GOOD NEWS.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.44
Subject: Re: Vegas
What are you like? I am the guy who dived5 off the Golden Gate Bridge. I can easily withstand the temptation of a few silly slot machines. And blackjack tables. And craps games. Besides, I’ll have you, my rock, by my side. What could possibly go wrong?
BTW, remind me of your bra size (promise, nothing with unseemly holes).
From: Michelle@SafeBet.com
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.55
Subject: Where have you been?
Hi there, Liam O’Keefe, Michelle6 here, your favorite girl at your favorite online bookie. I haven’t seen you for a while and I really miss you! We used to have such fun, didn’t we? Now I am so lonely without you. Why not drop by? You might catch me with hardly any clothes on!! And I have some very tempting offers just for you.7
Go to SafeBet.com/Michelletemptations to find out more. Come on, Liam O’Keefe, it’s just not the same without you.
Michelle xxx
SafeBet.com
Go on, have a punt
Just a little one
You know you want to
From: Neil Godley
To: All Staff
Sent: 22 December 2009, 10.59
Subject: Christ is born!
Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted.
I forgot to mention there will be TRADITIONAL mince pies (baked by me!) on sale. All proceeds to Crisis at Christmas.
From: Nigel Godley
To: All Staff
Sent: 22 December 2009, 11.02
Subject: Come praise Him!
Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there.
No pastries, cakes or other cheap bribes. But there will be EXCITING and totally AUTHENTIC demonstrations of spea
king in tongues!
From: Janice Crutton