David Crutton
CEO
Lorraine Pallister – 1/16/00, 1:58pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: laugh? I pissed myself.
I just walked by the boardroom and heard DC and that Scandinavian weirdo doing a duet of “Barbie Girl.” When they finished the Yanks were yelling “Whoo! Way to Go! Whoo!” I think people here must get dumber as their salaries get bigger.
David Crutton – 1/16/00, 3:06pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: what are we doing?
Being obliged to stand up and sing that ridiculous song with Van Halen as if it was the CEO’s karaoke night is about as humiliating as it can get. Whatever sins I have committed in my life I have more than atoned for them now. Remind me when this is over that my first priority is to rip out the Finn’s liver while he is awake to enjoy it.
Zoë Clarke – 1/16/00, 3:35pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: someone else is here
Aqua are in reception. What do you want me to do with them?
David Crutton – 1/16/00, 3:38pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: someone else is here
Get their fucking autographs. How should I know what to do with them, you dozy cow? Find Van Halen and get him to look after them. They were his imbecilic idea.
David Crutton – 1/16/00, 4:03pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: tonight
Van Halen is insistent that I join him, Jim and Aqua at the sodding Fashion Café tonight – his fucking treat. I’m going to cry off with a migraine or something. Go for me. Please.
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/16/00, 4:09pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: tonight
Jim has already asked me. It’s a shame you’re not up to it. I actually think Pertti is about as far as you can get from being a typical CEO, and all the more fun for it. If you’re not there, I’ll see you tomorrow.
brett_topowlski@demon.co.uk – 1/16/00, 4:49pm
to: liam_okeefe@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: home sweet home
We’re home. Pitcher and Piano on Upper St at seven. Vin will whine about Evander. Apparently after a week with Godley he gets jammed in the cat flap. Humour him.
Liam O’Keefe – 1/16/00, 5:06pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: the boys are back
I’ve got about another hour of this shit to do then I’m meeting them in Islington. You on for it?
Monday, January 17th
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 7:57am
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: Simon
The minute he gets in ask him to come and see me. We have much catching up to do and I am sure he would like to see what we have done to his Coke idea. After that I’d like to see Vince Douglas.
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/17/00, 8:02am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: good day!
In my excitement to see the Coke work I broke all records getting here. When can I get together with yourself and Jim? I spent a good deal of the flight home making notes for my introductory speech to the client and I would appreciate your wise input.
Have you caught up yet with Simon? I believe he took an earlier plane on Friday, so I presume he was in at the weekend.
Let me know when is a good time.
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 8:15am
to: Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re: good day!
You’re not good at hints, are you? Let me be blunt. I feel it would be unfair reward to the enormous efforts that Harriet and others have made over the last week to give you the starring, or indeed any, role in this pitch. You have no idea of the difficulties we have faced while you were topping up your Air Miles. Before you run to Jim, he agrees that we shouldn’t overload the meeting with superfluous bodies. Besides, he is making puppy dog eyes at Harriet – I don’t think your Tuscany time-share will cut it any more.
As for Simon, no I haven’t seen him, but he’ll be dog meat the moment I do.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/17/00, 8:31am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Simon
No sign of Simon yet – probably stuck in traffic. I’m sure he’ll be straight up the second he arrives. I’ll pass the message on to Vince.
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: PA
It is almost 9:00 and I hope that when the clock strikes I will witness the arrival of the highly qualified new PA you promised me over a week ago. If this is not the case, then be warned that I am in no mood to be messed with today.
Melinda Sheridan – 1/17/00, 8:49am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Simon
I don’t know quite who to tell this, but I have a horrible feeling that Simon has gone AWOL. I told you that we didn’t see him at all on Friday, and when we asked at the desk on Saturday morning they said he’d already checked out. Dan assumed he’d merely rushed back in his eagerness to flex his biceps on Coke, but something about the smirks on the faces of Brett and Vincent told a different story. I called him at home yesterday but Celine had neither seen nor heard a thing. I think I might have spread panic in the Horne ménage.
Between you and me I fear the worst. I know that he’s a big boy and can look after himself, but as the producer on the shoot I do feel responsible for not accounting for all my little ducklings. What do you suggest I do now? Won’t David be livid when he finds he’s not here to do his duty at the pitch?
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/17/00, 9:02am
to: Melinda Sheridan
cc:
re: AWOL
If you forgot to pack Simon in your suitcase you’ve most likely done us all a favour. David will only be livid because he’ll have to delay satisfying his blood lust. See Pinki and tell her she has my permission to give you the story.
Oh, and welcome home.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/17/00, 9:04am
to: Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: welcome back
David Crutton would like to see Vince immediately. I know he doesn’t use e, so could you tell him?
Brett Topowlski – 1/17/00, 9:07am
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: dead man walking
Susi told me that David wants to see Vin. I could feel her e gloating. Vin is acting weird. He’ll either punch Crutton or cry. Not good either way.
Liam O’Keefe – 1/17/00, 9:12am
to: Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: dead man walking
Just tell him to take his punishment like a man. And can I have his anglepoise, rubber plant, set square, pen pot . . .
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 9:29am
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: shape up
Where is the blue suit you promised to have back from the dry cleaner first thing? I’ll feel enough of a dork at this pitch without having to do it in my underpants.
Liam O’Keefe – 1/17/00, 9:32am
to: Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: dead man walking
. . . steel ruler, ashtray, marker rack . . .
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/17/00, 9:25am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: the Sun never shines
Bad news, I’m afraid. When Jim’s taxi driver realised he was heading here this morning he went into a cabby’s rant about the depravity of the LOVE Channel and their ad agency, regurgitating, with a little embellishment, last week’s Sun scoop. Jim is none too thrilled. In fact he’s taken it rather personally since he’s on a number of the same charity committees as Ivana. He made me dig
out the paper and he’s reading it on my sofa now. I’m sure he’ll be up when he’s through. I thought you were going to tell him.
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 9:32am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: the Sun never shines
I thought you were. At least I can inform him that I’ve fired Vince. I knew this was going to be a piss-poor day the moment I saw Van Halen arrive. He’s sitting on Zoë’s desk trying to tempt her with some dried reindeer meat.
Brett Topowlski – 1/17/00, 9:39am
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: dot cum
Vin is clearing his desk and I’ve just written my resignation. With Horne MIA, who the fuck do I give it to? Want some top news though? Remember I sent a copy of that little film you shot to Glenn and Toni at Grey? Remember I told you ages ago that Toni had his own home page? Click on http://www.antonio.com. Horne has joined Pammy and Tommy in the land of cyber-erotica. Tommy’s dick is bigger, but I’d say the ladyboy has better implants than Pammy.
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 9:56am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: Vince Douglas
This morning I have had to take the unpleasant step of sacking Vince Douglas of the Creative Department. This is solely because of the comments he made to a journalist last week regarding not only the agency, but also one of our clients. These remarks were wholly unauthorised and led to some extremely negative PR.
As you know, I would not usually make someone’s humiliation so public. But the action taken against Vince Douglas serves as an example of what will happen to anybody who breaks their contract and speaks to the press without prior permission.
I did not wish to start such an auspicious day in our history on a low note. Perhaps now we can put this distasteful episode behind us and move onward to greatness.
Let’s win Coke!
David Crutton
CEO
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/17/00, 10:12am
to: Melinda Sheridan
cc:
re: Simon
It’s not like Simon to be so late, especially on such a big day. Did he say anything about his plans on the way back?
Melinda Sheridan – 1/17/00, 10:20am
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: Simon
My dear Susi, has nobody said a thing? I suspect that Simon may not be back for a little while, and when he does appear, it will probably be only a flying visit. If you want my advice, darling, I’d call Alfred Marks, Kelly Girl or whichever employment agency you use these days and investigate your options.
Rachel Stevenson – 1/17/00, 10:22am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Brett
I’m sorry to bother you this morning of all mornings but I have Brett Topowlski with me. He has just tendered his resignation. In Simon’s absence would you like me to accept it?
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 10:25am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: Brett
Get him out of here.
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/17/00, 10:29am
to: Pinki Fallon
Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: Coke
I have just spoken to Jim Weissmuller, who now feels that although you didn’t do the work, it would be a mistake not to have a British creative presence in the pitch. Would you both be free?
Pinki Fallon – 1/17/00, 10:38am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Coke
Liam is wearing the T-shirt he had on all weekend – it’s covered in red marker and pizza – and I’m not exactly dressed for the Oscars, but we’d be glad to come. Do we have to pretend to like the work? . . .
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/17/00, 10:43am
to: Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: Coke
Yes, I’m afraid you do – that’s normally how it works. And don’t worry about how you look. It’s called being creative.
Nigel Godley – 1/17/00, 10:50am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: David Crutton
Dear Rachel,
You will have read the all-staff e-mail that David Crutton sent where he publicly excluded me from a meeting on Saturday. Now he is treating Vince Douglas like a criminal just because he exercised his right in a so-called “free society” to speak his mind to the press. I feel that I must now make a stand and resign. I cannot work in a company that constantly gags its employees as if we were in Russia.
Yours sincerely,
Nigel Godley
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/17/00, 10:51am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: Simon
Will someone please tell me what is going on. Simon has disappeared and all I get are sniggers when I ask anyone where he is. Does nobody realise that Simon is one of the most important people in this place, and that I am his Executive Personal Assistant? Will you at least treat me with some respect and inform me of what is happening?
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/17/00, 10:52am
to: Rachel Stevenson
cc:
re: I’m waiting
There is no sign of my new PA and no word from you as to when she will arrive. Do you really expect the Head of Client Services to fetch his own coffee and make his own telephone calls? If you do not deal with this in a prompt and satisfactory manner, Rachel, I will have no hesitation in taking it up with David and, if necessary, James Weissmuller while he is here.
Rachel Stevenson – 1/17/00, 11:04am
to: Daniel Westbrooke
Nigel Godley
Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: enough is enough
Daniel, believe it or not, finding you a new PA isn’t the most important job on my list. Until I get round to it, please try to cope like the rest of us. I didn’t rise to become Head of Personnel by being rude, so I will stop myself there.
Nigel, nobody is gagging you. If you really want to leave, then do so, but please do not make it a point of principle.
Susi, I don’t know where Simon is either. Unlike you, I don’t really care. Maybe people would stop sniggering and treat you with respect if you didn’t stamp your foot like a two-year-old and learned some manners.
I apologise for writing to the three of you together, but I, for one, have work to do and it saves time.
Liam O’Keefe – 1/17/00, 11:24am
to: Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: don’t leave me this way
Harriet’s told us we’re needed in the pitch. I’m worried – I don’t think I’ll be able to stop pissing myself when Aqua take the stage. Have you seen them setting up in the boardroom? They look like a Hanna Barbera cartoon. You guys better not leave without saying goodbye. If you hang on till I’m through we can go out and get well and truly lashed.
I just got Simon’s quivering arse up onto the net for Pinki. If you listen out you can hear her shrieks of disgust. Who’d have thought hardcore could be so damn amusing?
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 11:47am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: our finest hour
In little over ten minutes we embark on a journey that could set us fair for a glorious future. James Weissmuller is with me now and he joins me in thanking every single one of you for your enormous efforts, whatever the outcome.
Wish us well.
David Crutton
CEO
Lorraine Pallister – 1/17/00, 12:16pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: in Miller Shanks no one can hear you scream
Hasn’t it gone quiet? Even Susi has stopped whining. Is it always like this when there’s a pitch?
Zoë Clarke – 1/17/00, 12:23pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: in Miller Shanks no one can hear
you scream
Only the ones where half the agency’s jobs rest on the outcome. It was nice knowing you!!!!!!!!!
Brett Topowlski – 1/17/00, 12:36pm
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: brace yourself
Vin is about to break the habit of a lifetime. He’s asked me to boot up his Mac. He’s going to send an e.
Vince Douglas – 1/17/00, 12:54pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: my first e
right you twats heres somthing to make you hard/moyst (deleet as apliable) http://www.antonio.com
enjoy
luv you
vin
Zoë Clarke – 1/17/00, 1:06pm
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That’s truly gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lorraine Pallister – 1/17/00, 1:13pm
to: Zoë Clarke
cc:
re: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I told you it was disgusting. I think Judge Dredd has just clocked it. I can hear sobs drifting down the corridor. Going for beers with V&B later?
Brett Topowlski – 1/17/00, 2:15pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: and now the end is near
It’s time for us to go. Those of you that we like (you know who you are) can join us in Bar Zero where we’ll be available for premium beers, wines and spirits for the remainder of the day. The rest of you can piss off.
Brett + Vin
PS: if you’re doing a whip-round, Vin wants a Dreamcast and I want cash to pay my bike insurance.
Zoë Clarke – 1/17/00, 2:49pm
to: All Departments
cc:
re: Coke
The presentation is over and David has told me to ask you all to be at your desks as he’s taking the clients on a short tour of the agency. Smile please! Zoë x
David Crutton – 1/17/00, 3:32pm
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: pitch
That was an excruciating embarrassment. I had Weissmuller and Korning on either side of me in a frenzy of toe tapping. If Van Halen had got out a lighter and held it aloft, I wouldn’t have been surprised. And do you think the clients actually liked the work? I have a creepy feeling they did.