To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.19
Subject: Plaintive cry for help!
I need a really good (as in excellent) Montana idea IMMEDIATELY.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.20
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
Harvey Harvey has just discovered Out of Office AutoReply and he will be using it all day!
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: Zlatan Kovaćević
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.21
Subject: Visitor
Got a guy down here from the Billericay branch of the BNP. He wants to know if you can give him and his mates a seminar on assassination techniques. Shall I tell the shave-head scuzz ball to sling his hook or is this the kind of sick shit you do in your spare time?
From: Zlatan Kovaćević
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.22
Subject: Re: Visitor
What is BNP?
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: Zlatan Kovaćević
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.23
Subject: Re: Visitor
Stands for British National Party. Basically Nazis minus the fashion flair.
From: Zlatan Kovaćević
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.24
Subject: Re: Visitor
Tell him I be there in 5 minute.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.29
Subject: Thank heaven for YouTube
So good to be able to keep up with London here in the desert. Yes, the Gulf ground to a halt as we watched your offices get trashed by the pit bull. Who did the magnificent beast belong to or did it just wander in off the street? And was it on PCP or similar ? In the bit where it overturns the boardroom table it seems to possess supercanine strength. Haven’t heard from you, but I trust you managed to avoid the slavering jaws of death.
Jim Davidson’s party was a rum affair. There’s something disturbing about a comic whose act is based on contempt for various blacks and Asians choosing to spend his decline surrounded by Koran-muttering towel heads. But it seems he’s found a kindred spirit in Vince, the only remaining person on the planet who laughs at all his jokes. I sense they’re going to be spending a lot of time together, which might take the strain off me.
I’ve come up with nada on your Mini Montana brief. It’s a proper bastard. It’s all wrong as a concept. Don’t they look stupidly small in an adult mouth? I told Vince about it (and before you go off on one, he doesn’t strictly count as a “living” soul, so I didn’t break my promise). He said it reminded him of those sweet ciggies we used to pretend-smoke when we were kids. I think your best bet is to go with Harvey Harvey’s idea and hit the dwarf market with all guns blazing.
Things are kicking off here. Vince tried to e-mail Jim D some porny mpegs. Trouble is that our IT department has installed a Sharia 100i, IBM’s state-of-the-art fundamentalist server, and the sirens have gone off. Time to leave the building, I think, if not the country.
See ya later Allah-gator
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.34
Subject: Re: Thank heaven for YouTube
The dog was mine and I’m in the deepest shit as a result. But I think you might just have saved my hide. Thanks.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.36
Subject: Re: One good reason ...
... you shouldn’t fire me is that I’ve got an idea for Montana. Can I see you?
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.39
Subject: Re: One good reason ...
Give me 15 minutes. Got to talk to a man about getting the fucking bite marks out of my Cannes gold lion—you twat.
eBay.co.uk
Kango 2500 Breaker
Item specifics: the Joe Calzaghe of electric power tools with a staggering blow count of 1400 per minute. Would suit pikey paving contractor. Or robber who wants to bust into the Barclays on Finchley Rd via the pet shop next door (I’ve checked it out. It’s doable).
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.44
Subject: Big Bruv
I didn’t want to send this e-mail. Only obeying orders. Philip, my boss (normally a picture of sanity), has asked me to ask you a favor. He wants you to tell your idiot YouTube star that if he were to audition for Big Brother 10, his entry would be looked at very favorably. Beats me. I guess one man’s exhibitionist train wreck is another man’s perfect reality star. I know you might not feel inclined to help me at the moment, but if you can do this, I’d appreciate it.
Lorraine
From: Milton Keane
To: All Staff
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.51
Subject: Interns?
Any interns free to burn 100 limited-edition DVDs of my Gravity Defying Dance of Death (which I will be signing at lunchtime to sate public demand!)?
Milton Keane
Celebrity Sec
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.54
Subject: Milton
Has he gone completely potty? Doesn’t he realize that everyone is laughing at him and saying he’s gay?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra
bSent: 14 January 2009, 09.57
Subject: Re: Milton
We need to have a serious talk with him, don’t we? Let’s get together in fifteen and discuss. (Just got to stick around and watch Ted fire Liam-whoopee-doo!!)
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 09.59
Subject:
Ted wants to see you now. And don’t go thinking the fact that you look like a human punch bag will save you. Ted is quite understandably very angry with you. I can’t say I’ll be sorry to see you go, especially after what your disgusting animal did on my leg. BTW, you owe me £29 for new tights. They were Wolford.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.08
Subject: What the hell happened to you?
I just walked by Little Ted’s office and spotted you through the glass. Not that it was easy to recognize you under two black eyes. What happened?
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Cc: Caroline Zitter, Donald Gold, Kazu Makino
Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.13
Subject: Esmée Éloge
When can we review the new political celeb list on Project Red Carpet? Don is due to present in Brazil next week.
From: Caroline Zitter
To: David Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009,10.14
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office attending What We Can Learn from Dogs: Marketing the Barbara Woodhouse Way. I will return on Thursday 15th January. If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on milton@meerkat360.co.uk
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.24
Subject: Unbelievable!!!
Liam has just walked out of TB’s office with the biggest grin on his stupid face. Definitely not looking like a man who’s just been fired.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.36
Subject: GIT
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.39
Subject: Re: GIT
I’ll be free later. I take it you haven’t fired him, then?
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.42
Subject: Re: GIT
We need to keep him. At least until the client presentation. By the way, I intend to review celeb scents at lunchtime, so let’s catch up this afternoon.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 14 January 2009, 10.58
Subject: Re: Big Bruv
Judging by the way he’s strutting his fame, the idiot already thinks he’s too big for BB. He might be up for the celebrity variant though. I’ll tell him about your boss’s interest if you’ll go out for a drink with me.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.00
Subject: Re: Thank heaven for YouTube
Tell Vince he’s a genius.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Creative Department
Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.03
Subject: Project Red Carpet
Ted would like everyone in his office at 1.00 to review political celebrity names for Esmée Éloge. Please don’t be late. He is on a tight schedule and needs to be at his Thai boxing class at 1.40.
From: Comfort Ajegbo
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.17
Subject: Help I need kind sir
Good day. My name is Miss Comfort Ajegbo, the only daughter of the late Mr. Gaius Julius Ajegbo. My dear father was very wealthy oil trader in Lagos, the city of Nigeria. My beloved mother died when I was a baby and ever since my father treat me as his special one. But then my father died, poisoned by evil business associates on trip to oil wells.
Before his death in November 2007 he call me secretly to his bedside in private hospital. He told me he has the sum of $79 million in secret account in most prestigious bank in Lagos. He place account in my name so that his wicked associates can never know of it.
He explained to me that I must seek a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money so his associates can never ever find it. He told me I must use the money for investment purpose to provide for my safe future.
I am honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways:1. To provide bank account into which this money can be transferred.
2. To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 19 years of age.
3. To make the arrangement for me to come to your country to further my education and to escape from my late father’s ruthless associates who would not hesitate to kill me dead.
Moreover, as a reward for your great kindness, I am willing to offer you 20% of the total sum and also 10% for your considerable expenses. Time is of the utmost essence and this transaction must be concluded within fourteen days because my father’s associates hire private detective to find the money.
I find your name from the British High Commission and they vouch for your Christian character and spotless record. You are the only person I approach in this desperate matter. I know that you are good God-fearing person and I hope you will pity my helplessness. Anticipating to hear from you soon. Thank you and God bless!
Miss Comfort Ajegbo
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.22
Subject:
The pack of unbranded 99p cornershop tights you left on my desk has gone straight in the bin. They are NOT £29 Wolford Satin De Luxe!
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.23
Subject: Re:
I know they’re not!
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.32
Subject: Re: Plaintive cry for help!
Sorry I haven’t got back to you sooner, but isn’t AutoReply brilliant ? I didn’t realize you could make your computer send e-mails automatically. It’s like there’s a little robot inside typing them out for you! I’ve got some new thoughts on the cigarette brief and I’ll go through them with you as soon as I can, but right now I’ve got to deal with an emergency that could be a matter of life or death. I really have to go because there isn’t a second to waste.
To: Comfort Ajegbo
Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.34
Subject: Re: Help I need kind sir
Hi Comfort
Your terrible situation is shocking. I’ll do anything I can to help. Would you like me to talk to the British police? I should point out I’m not sure I believe in God (and I don’t know where the British High Commission would get the idea that I do), but I will say a prayer for you just in case. And I’ll stay next to my computer until I know you’re safe.
Harvey Harvey
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 14 January 2009, 11.37
Subject: Re: Plaintive cry for help!
By the strangest coincidence my need for a Montana idea was also a matter of life or death. No matter. Sorted now. Gave Ted the mother lode. Big Tobacco can be assured of the next generation of smokers. I’m a generous bloke and I don’t mind if you want to jump on my bandwagon. Just don’t get under my feet.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.07
Subject: Musical Premiere
Att: jinglonia.pdf
After Monday’s terrifying event, Yossi has agreed to bring forward the premiere of his new work in the hope that we can begin the healing process with the “soothing balm of music.” The performance will take place in reception at 6.00.
Please see attached e-flyer for details.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.09
Subject: Re: Big Bruv
I’m not going for a drink with you, Liam. It’s over. Just tell the gay guy about BB.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.11
Subject: Re: Thank heaven for YouTube
I gave Vince the genius message. He’s as baffled as I am. What exactly is he supposed to have done?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.14
Subject: Re: Thank heaven for YouTube
Can’t say-Official Secrets Act and all that—but tell him he’s getting the slot above God (but below my mum) in my Cannes acceptance speech.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Comfort Ajegbo
Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.57
Subject: Re: Help I need kind sir
Hello, Comfort. You haven’t replied and I’m worried that something may have happened. Perhaps your late father’s associates have turned up with machetes or maybe you’ve gone into hiding in the jungle. (Do you have jungle nearby or is it more what you’d call “bush?”) Just send me a one-word reply to let me know you are OK. It’s lunchtime here, but I’ll stay at my desk until I hear from you. If you haven’t replied by 3.00 (London time), I’ll call the police. By the way, I’ve built a little shrine on my desktop. I’ve made a model of you out of Blu Tack and matchsticks, though obviously I can only guess what you look like!
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Creative Department
Sent: 14 January 2009, 12.59
Subject: Project Red Carpet
Ted’s office now for the review!
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.00
Subject: Tamara
Just had a call from her principal telling me she hasn’t been at school all week and she’s not there today. What do you suggest?
From: fanmaster@dethrush.fi
To: Noah Crutton
Sent: 14 January 2009, 13.01
Subject: Thanking