Sent from my BlackBerry
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 11 January 2009, 16.05
Subject:
Hi Jan—they’ll be calling my flight any minute, but I wanted to check in before I leave. If I make my connection at Dulles, I should be back in London first thing tomorrow. Thought I’d go straight to the office—you guys won’t be home anyway—but I’ll definitely get away early.
We parted on poor terms, but please can we make a fresh start? I really want to put last week behind us. I’ll even go to prenatal classes. How about it?
Love to Noah and Tamara. And to you.
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Janice Crutton
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 11 January 2009, 16.18
Subject:
Hi Paula—really sorry to bother you on a Sunday. I know you’ve got a house full of relatives, but I need you to pass on a message to David. Just paste the text below onto a new e-mail and add the usual preamble and sign off. Thanks and sorry again—Janice x
Ms. Crutton wishes to inform you that, at the age of forty-five and being in possession of two children already, she knows all she needs to know about pregnancy and labor. You, however, having been a non-attendee at the births of said children, might find the prenatal course to be instructive.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 11 January 2009, 16.21
Subject: Re: GIT
Yo geezer. You won’t fucking believe this. Writing e at 2000m strapped to hang glider! !Phones are the dog’s bollocks. You’re never fucking offline. Great news on GIT. Look forward to debrief. Gotta go. Just spotted thermal. Beattie’s at 3500m. Can’t let the cunt beat me to new Brit alt. rec.
Sent from my !Phone
Monday
Mood: lilac. Or paisley. No, definitely lilac. OMG, it’s so hard to decide, isn’t it?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 08.48
Subject: Ted
Ted sprained his ankle in a hang-gliding incident at the weekend and needs to keep his foot on his desk to minimize swelling. Can anyone who needs to see him please schedule meetings in his office?
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Assistant to Ted Berry
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry, Caroline Zitter
Sent: 12 January 2009, 08.50
Subject: I love the smell of new business in the morning!
Let’s touch base on my trip to VA. Ten minutes? Ted’s office, I guess.
From: Caroline Zitter
To: David Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 08.51
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am in Brighton with my twins, attending Tot Tycoons: Leadership Skills for Under-Fives. If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on milton@meerkat360.co.uk
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 08.53
Subject:
Morning! Didn’t expect you in so early. Thought you might nip home first. Did you have a good flight? And do you want coffee?
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 08.54
Subject: Re:
Coffee would be superb, thank you. Excellent flight. Landed early so I got in a stint at the gym. Did a series of squats and ab crunches that would make a Royal Marine puke up his immune system. I sense it’s going to be an excellent week.
From: David Crutton
To: Donald Gold
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.00
Subject: new assignment
G’day, Don, and what a beautiful day it is too. Don’t you find the wind chill truly invigorating?
I spent the flight from VA configuring an elite team to handle GIT. I reached the conclusion that you are the ideal pick for senior account director. Should you take this on, you will direct activity across all GIT brands.
I trust you will take up this offer. It reflects the confidence that the partners and I have in you.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Milton Keane
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.03
Subject: bosses are mad
DC’s in a really good mood and it’s scary. He’s bouncing around singing “Somewhere Only We Know,” but a sort of 120bpm hienergy version. Think I prefer him when he’s Mr. Grouchy!
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra, Milton Keane
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.04
Subject: Re: bosses are mad
TB in foul mood! Sprained his ankle AND dropped his iPhone from 5000 feet. He wants me to write letter of complaint to Apple because it wasn’t shock-resistant!
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.05
Subject: Re: bosses are mad
Who knows what sort of mood CZ is in? Haven’t seen her since November! She’s probably feeling empowered. And possibly quite enlightened. V excited this morning. Going to see my lawyer at 10.00 re Milton vs UGG. Should I wear my lilac Cerruti tie (with matching hankie) or the psychedelic paisley? I’m veering toward the lilac, but will it make me seem a bit gay?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Milton Keane
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.07
Subject: Re: bosses are mad
Warning! According to her sec, your lawyer is schizoid. Probably too long married to DC! Definitely the calming lilac. The jazzy paisley might send her off on one.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra, Milton Keane
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.08
Subject: Re: bosses are mad
Definitely not the Cerruti, Milton. The psychedelic paisley clearly says “fashion adventurer” and it’s crucial that your lawyer understands you’ve always been at the cutting edge of design, even when you were eight.
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.10
Subject: tie
Are you sure, Sooz? I’m in such a dither here.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.12
Subject: Re: tie
Absolutely positive. Dotty is perfectly lovely, but (strictly between you and me) who are you going to take style tips from? A girl who wears kitten heels even though her ankles are way too fat, or a Gaultier?
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.14
Subject: Re: tie
Paisley it is. Lilac’s definitely gay. Gotta go. Wish me luck!
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.17
Subject: Interns?
Any interns free to walk my dog? Thick trousers recommended—he’s a biter.
From: Neil Godley
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.26
Subject: Am I going bonkers ...
... or did there use to be a copier next to the men’s room in the basement? I’m sure it was a Xerox BookMark 55 (with very handy fax option). Can anyone advise? I need to copy 128 time sheets ASAP.
Neil Godley (Accounts)
From: Donald Gold
To: David Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.34
Subject: Re: new assignment
Hi David. I’d be thrilled to work on GIT. Thank you so much for the opportunity. Let me know when you’d like me to make a start. And hopefully it will involve plenty of trips to Virginia. I’m keen to rack up the air miles!
From: Ted Berry
To: Creative Department
Sent: 12 Janua
ry 2009, 09.39
Subject: Project
Our first GIT briefing is at 11.30. It’s an exciting project and also a top-secret one. Susi will be round to get your scrawls on the confidentiality agreements.
From: David Crutton
To: Donald Gold
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.40
Subject: Re: new assignment
No time like the here and now. My office in 5 and I’ll take you through the first brief. We’ll be talking to the Creative Department at 11.30.
From: Ted Berry
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.43
Subject: New Face
I’m chuffed to bits to announce the arrival of Mr. Fraggles, who will take up the new position of Clown in Residence. Mr. Fraggles has worked in circus and street theater and he is a veteran of countless children’s parties. His skills in juggling, mime, conjuring and slapstick (he’s a former European Custard Pie Champion) will give the Creative Department a vital and distinctive edge. Please join me in welcoming him to the team.
eBay.co.uk
Xerox BookMark 55
Item specifics: nearly new B&W copier with handy fax option. 55 cpm. Worth over £10,000 new. Would suit medium-sized company with need for reliable highspeed copier. Or slightly warped individual with need to paper his/her walls with pictures of arse.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 12 January 2009, 09.54
Subject: Fido
Came up to see how your weekend was, but was driven away by the vicious bastard chained to your desk leg. What the hell are you doing with a pit bull, Liam? Is it a Lorraine substitute? Or, along with the clown, another of Ted’s off-the-wall hirings? Or have you just gone completely mad?
And while I’m in question mode, how was your weekend?
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.03
Subject: Police
The police will be in shortly to investigate the missing copier (and sundry other items). Please make yourselves available should they wish to talk to you.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.04
Subject: Re: Fido
He’s called Marcus Licinius Crassus (after the Roman general who defeated the slave army of Spartacus, obviously). I won him in a card game (against a Dalston chav with an OU degree in ancient history). Don’t let the snarling put you off. He’s a softie (unless you cross him). No interns took up my offer, so going walkies now. Might be some time.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.10
Subject: GIT briefing
Bit of a problem. Nearly everyone has refused to work on GIT. They say they won’t do tobacco products. Only Zlatan, Adrijana and Harvey Harvey have signed the confidentiality agreements. I can’t find Liam. Shall I ask Yossi and Mr. Fraggles to make up numbers at the briefing?
From: Ted Berry
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.12
Subject: Re: GIT briefing
Go round the department again and remind the sanctimonious twats that the money I pay them gives me ownership of their consciences. Round up Yossi and Fraggles. And find Liam. Tell the fucker that after the Winter Sun fiasco, he’s on a yellow card. He’s a sixty-a-day boy. He’s not going to turn down free snouts.
VOICEMAIL:
Liam, Susi here. Ted says you absolutely have to be at the GIT briefing. No excuses. And he says there are free cigarettes. Disgusting habit. The sooner you kill yourself with them the better as far as I’m concerned.
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.16
Subject: Re: New Face
Mr. Fraggles? Explain.
VOICEMAIL:
Sweet message, Susi. Tell Ted I’ll be there for free ciggies. As long as they’re not gay menthol.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.32
Subject: Re: New Face
1. You’ve seen Ocean’s 11? Like Danny and Rusty, I’m putting together a crack team of specialists that covers all possible bases.
2. You won’t be carping when Mr. Fraggles wins a D&AD gold for Best Use of Spinning Bowtie in a Consumer Campaign.
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.34
Sorry, George Clooney. See you at 11.30.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 10.44
Subject: interns?
Any interns free to change Ted’s bandage?
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Assistant to Ted Berry
From: Conchita
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.04
Subject: need lovin’
I am gorgeous bubbly teen who want make chat with you. Reply and we have good times. conchita@gotmail.com. My plump breasts ache to be touch.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Conchita, Carmen, Britney, Daniela, Roxette, Brigit and 553 others ...
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.13
Subject: Re: need lovin’
Hi girls! I can’t keep up with all your chatty e-mails, so I thought I’d send you a group reply. I can’t believe how many lonely girls there are out there. You need to get together and make friends. There are loads of chat rooms for teenagers. Or maybe you could start your own. I’m sure there are enough of you! Also, I notice that most of you complain about breast discomfort. I checked out some women’s health sites. I found a couple of excellent ones.
www.bignaturals.com
www.boobster.net
On boobster in particular there are some pictures of extremely swollen breasts, so I’m sure there’ll be helpful information there. Anyway, you all have each other’s e-mail addresses now, so you’ve got no excuses. Go on, get chatting!
All the best
Harvey Harvey
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.21
Subject: Chav Central
I’ve got a bastard in Burberry who says he wants his dog back. He’s holding Gibbon’s The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, but I suspect it’s not so much reading matter as an offensive weapon. It’s precisely because of fuckers like him that I left Cork, so will someone get him out of my face? Please!
Róisín
Reception
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Liam O’Keefe, Harvey Harvey, Zlatan Kovaćević, Adrijana Smiljanić, Yossi Mendoza, Mr Fraggles
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.24
Subject: GIT
The briefing is about to start. And if anyone sees Liam (who’s not around, as usual), tell him Ted says he HAS to be there.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.31
Subject: Milton
He just rushed by my desk in floods. Wouldn’t say a word. Now he’s locked himself in CZ’s office. What should I do??
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.32
Subject: Re: Milton
Got to do cookies and beverages for meeting. Be up as soon as I can get away.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.31
Subject: what happened?
Milton has just arrived back very upset. What happened with him and JC?
From: Paula Sterling
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 12 January 2009, 11.33
Subject: Re: what happened?
Not sure. JC’s been in vile m
ood all morning. Had her door shut since your friend left and isn’t taking calls. He did leave with a very wobbly lip. BTW, is he gay?