Lawler immediately retorted with, ‘No, not at all. I couldn’t warm up to this guy if we were cremated together. No. Matter of fact, he is a wimp.’ After a brief and heated exchange between the two men, Lawler stood up, hoicked up his waistband and backhanded Kaufman right across the head. The house band began to play, the show cut to a quick break, but events didn’t end there …
After the break, Kaufman reappearsed onstage and, from behind the safety of Letterman’s desk, let rip at Lawler:
‘I am sick of this bullSHIT! You are full of bullshit, my friend! I will sue you for everything you have! I will sue your ass! You’re a motherfucking ASSHOLE! You hear me! A fucking asshole! FUCK YOU! I will get you for this! …I am sorry! I am sorry to use those words on television! I apologize. But you, you’re a FUCKING ASSHOLE! [Jumps up and down.] A FUCKING ASSHOLE! You HEAR ME?! A FUCKING ASSHOLE!
He then grabbed Letterman’s coffee from his desk and threw it over Lawler, who leaped out of his chair. Kaufman, quite wisely, made a very quick exit.
Chief Whippers
Politicians, it seems, fair no better in the on-screen spat stakes.
Your mum smells!
Verbal clashes on news programmes have nothing on the fracas that occurred live on Lebanese television in November 2011. During a debate between the leader of the Ba’ath Party, Fayez Shukur, and ex-MP Mustafa Alloush, what began as a heated debate between political rivals quickly turned nasty – with Alloush calling Shukur a ‘tyrant’, ‘criminal’ and ‘liar’.
Shukur soon retaliated by insulting Alloush’s mother and throwing his pen and a cup of water at him. As the two guests sprung out of their seats, the show’s host was forced to intervene and stop them from physically coming to blows – although by that time, Shukur had picked up his chair, ready to throw it. Both parties refused to leave the show and, after ten minutes off air, they simply resumed the broadcast and the debate, which then passed off without incident.
WEATHERMEN
IT’S RAINING DIVAS
Weathermen and -women are often seen as harmless televisual types, called upon to smile even when they’re telling us it’s going to rain all summer. But there is a surprisingly naughty streak in the ranks of meteorology. All these stories have left me wondering whether giggling, doing finger swears and having on-camera strops are not so much faults but requirements for the job.
Tomasz Schafernaker: Weather Bad Boy
Tomasz Schafernaker is a BBC weatherman come poster-boy, who has posed, in his pants, for a men’s magazine (he’s actually got an eight-pack). On top of that, he has committed at least three, priceless, live TV blunders.
Strike ONE!: the diva strop
Caught unaware when the camera came to the weather studio before he was ready, Tomasz simply stood there silently as the BBC weather ident blared behind him. Realizing he was on camera, Tomasz simply scowled and said, ‘I don’t know if I’m on camera or not!’ He then removed his microphone, unloosened his fetching pink tie, and walked off set. Weather Diva!
‘[Television is] the triumph of machine over people.’
COMEDIAN FRED ALLEN
Strike TWO!: Glastonbury
Reading the weather live on Radio 4’s flagship Today programme, Tomasz was reporting from the often-boggy environs of the Glastonbury Festival. Ever the professional, Tomasz delivered a note-perfect bulletin. Well, at least until he reached the part about rain. According to the script, he was meant to describe how a forecast bad spell was likely to turn the festival into a ‘muddy site’. Alas, he used instead the rather unfortunate ‘muddy shite,’ and then collapsed, giggling his way through the rest of the broadcast like a schoolboy.
Strike THREE!: finger swears
An insight into the bantering atmosphere of the BBC News studio was glimpsed when Tomasz was introduced by a (rather sarcastic) Simon McCoy. Newsreader McCoy began by saying, ‘Now we’ll have the weather forecast in just a minute. Of course it will be 100 per cent accurate and provide you with all the details you could possibly want.’ Cue Tomasz, who decided to gesture at McCoy with his middle finger, using the universal hand gesture for ‘jog on’. Despite trying to disguise the hand signal as a chin scratch, viewers were not fooled. Neither was fellow broadcaster Fiona Armstrong, who let out a thoroughly lady-like, ‘Oh!’
‘When television is good, nothing is better. When it’s bad, nothing is worse.’
FORMER CHAIRMAN OF THE FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION, NEWTON N. MINOW
Storms Ahead
Whatever the weather, you’d be forgiven for expecting the forecast to be delivered with grace, poise and professionalism. Think again.
In February 2010, Steve Jacobs, a weatherman for Australia’s Channel Nine, presented a weather bulletin from inside the pelican pen at Taronga Zoo. As Jacobs began his broadcast, one of the pelicans soon proved just how friendly he was, and Jacobs could be heard shouting, ‘AAAAAAARGH! My arse! My arse!’ Jacobs was forced to abandon his bulletin as the pelican pecked at him affectionately.
‘Television is like the American toaster: you push the button and the same thing pops up every time.’
ALFRED HITCHCOCK
Fifteen minutes of fame
This weathergirl on WVTM, in Alabama, USA, showed the news anchor who’s boss.
Weathergirl: 62 degrees tonight, and you’ll notice the rain and storms arrive tomorrow, mainly during the afterno—
[Female news anchor takes wrong turn and strides in front of weather graphic.]
Weathergirl [to anchor]: Wait your turn, Brooke, wait your turn.
‘Radio is the theatre of the mind; television is the theatre of the mindless.’
TELEVISION PERSONALITY STEVE ALLEN
Mind your ps and qs
In February 2012, BBC weatherman Alex Deakin did the unimaginable …
Alex Deakin: … Some towns and cities may just stay a squeak above zero but it’s going to be a cold start to Sunday and while we’ve got the showers that obviously does bring the risk of some ice on the roads through the night and into Sunday morning. By and large though it is, simply, a lovely winter’s day tomorrow. Bucket loads of c**t, of, er, of sunshine in central and eastern areas. Some showers will continue across northern areas.
Alex Deakin later tweeted: ‘I think the less said the better about that last broadcast #P45.’
High winds
‘… And then we should see a lot of sunshine across many parts of the country, a much better day than it’s been today. Cloud will increase from the west [emits a loud burp] …ooh, sorry, a bit of wind there, too.’
BBC News weatherman
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