Contents
PROLOGUE
ONE: RESTLESSNESS ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 1
BOUND
I AM 1
BURDEN
CONFUSED
MY VOICE
DREAMS
PREDICTION
FIRST DAY BACK
THE ESTATE
THE GRASS IS GREENER
OUR SECRET PLACE
A ROOM WITH A VIEW
SECRET CORNERS
ACT COOL
OPTIONS
CONCEAL 1
CONCEAL 2
CONCEAL 3
CONCEAL 4
DAVID
JUST FRIENDS
TARA
I AM 2
SCHOOL
GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS
COOL GIRL 1
NEW HOME
COOL GIRL 2
FAKING IT
TRUTH
THE GAME OF SHAME
MR HISTORY JONES
HISTORY SYLLABUS
THE ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION
ONE WORD
WHISPERS
SHEEP
DOUBLE PE
MINIBUS POLITICS 1
RUNNING
ON THE STARTING BLOCK
TWO HUNDRED METRES
‘IT’
PRIVILEGE
THE ESAC
ALLIE REID
eiDAD’S WORDS
NEXT TIME …
SELFIES
EYES TALK
THOUGHTS
GREEN-EYED MONSTER 1
GEMMA
DON’T BE FOOLED
HANGING BACK
A RISK
AUNTIES
MACKIE D’S
SPEED TRAINING
CAUGHT
THE MAN
A WARNING
THREATS
BEHZTI
DISHONOUR
VOMIT
INSOMNIA
OPPOSITES
THINGS I MISS ABOUT RUBY
LOVE–HATE
RUBY’S BROKEN PROMISES
WHAT’S EASIER?
OVERWHELMED
RESTRICTIONS
LONGING FOR BEFORE
HOMEWORK
STAGES
REREADING
A KNOWING
MEDITATE
TWO: DISSATISFACTION ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 2
OVERWORKED
RITUAL
ILLITERACY
CHAI 1
CHAI 2
PROBLEM CHILD
MUM’S MANTRA
MY MANTRA
BIG TALK
A DAY’S WORK
PAIN
MADE IN BRITAIN
A MIX OF THE TWO
CHAPTER X
ANGER
TRAINERS
SUNSET
EGGSHELLS
MARRIAGE
JAS
RUBY’S TRICK 1
TIYA
EAVESDROPPING
RISE
REBEL
DAD’S BACK 1
A WORRY
CHICKEN
LETTERS
MEMORY
THE BROWN ENVELOPE
LONGING
SCARED
ARGUMENT
REBELS
DAYDREAMING
NIGHT-DREAMING
MORNING
HOME GYM
BREAKFAST
MORNING ADMIN
GREEN-EYED MONSTER 2
NO MORE RISKS
REGISTRATION
CAUSE AND EFFECT
DABBAWALLAS
DAVID’S FOR LUNCH
BEENA
A PRODUCT OF THE ENVIRONMENT …
SECRET TALKS
BACK HOME
CAN’T RELATE
JOBCENTRE
NIKAME
TIRED
FINAL SESSION
WARM-UPS
SUPERGLUE FAILS
ONE HUNDRED METRES
TOO TIRED TO RESIST
SELF-SABOTAGE
SCHOOL TOILETS
PRIDE
MISS SUTTON
TELL HER
NOT TALKING
THE LETTER
NEW TRAINERS
THREE: CONTROL ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 3
A NEW MAN?
PERFECT
WAGES
NEARLY HALF-TERM
FAKE
EMPTY GESTURES
SATURDAYS
JUBILANT
IGNORANCE IS BLISS
DISTRUST
BOTTLES
HALF-TERM
MUM A WOMAN’S LIFE
A MEMORY
A WOMAN LIKE ME
CHILDHOOD
THE ARRIVAL
GEMSTONES
MY HUSBAND
SPYING
HELPLESS
ONE AND ONLY RULE
MAKING SENSE
DAD’S NIGHTMARES
GROWING PAINS
FIXING A PARENT
TROUBLED SLEEP
KEEPING THE DREAM ALIVE
TELL THEM
DEEP BREATHS
HOMEWORK
NUMB
NOTHING TO SAY
THE ART OF REVOLUTION
WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO I WANT TO BECOME? 1
WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO I WANT TO BECOME? 2
WHAT KIND OF WOMAN DO I WANT TO BECOME? 3
STORM
I’VE GOT MY CROWD
LIKE FATHER LIKE …
TARA
GEMMA
A VISIT
HARPREET 1
CHOOSING LOVE
A LESSON
HARPREET 2
FOUR: MOMENTUM ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 4
STUDENT-TEACHER
TEACH ME
ALLIES
X MARKS THE SPOT
THE ANATOMY OF A REBEL
BUTTERFLIES
LEAVING THE ESTATE
THE WEIGHT OF A SECRET
HISTORY
TUCK SHOP
SCHOOL TOILETS
THE QUIET RUSH
ALL IN GOOD TIME
THE FIRST SESSION
HILLS 1
HILLS 2
MINIBUS POLITICS 2
GIDDY
RESTRICTIONS
SITTING IN MY ROOM
DISGUISE
NO FEAR
FIVE: HONEYMOON ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 5
MUM’S HOME
DAD’S BACK 2
BECOMING LITERATE
LESSONS
FIRST WORDS
HOPEFUL
LIFE
GAMES
EQUATIONS
WHAT WOULD HE EVER SEE IN ME?
TRAINING
HIGH SPIRITS
PANIC 1
PANIC 2
PANIC 3
DISTANCE 1
DISTANCE 2
ANXIETY 1
RUBY’S TRICK 2
RUBY FAILED ATTEMPT
X, Y AND Z
AMBER
TIYA
JAS
THEY SAY
CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS
HOMEWORK
LESSONS CONTINUE
SIX: TERROR ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 6
DAD’S BACK 3
THE ARGUMENT
THE FIGHT
THE TRIGGER
HOSPITAL
HOME FROM HOSPITAL
OUR CHRISTMAS
HOLIDAY TRAINING
THE BIG CHRISTMAS SHOP
PROGRESS
CHRISTMAS DAY
SECRET STASH
SUNDAYS
AUNTIES AT THE TEMPLE
RESPECT
WRITING
NEW YEAR
THAT NIGHT
TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY RUBY
AMB
ER
LOVE
LIKE OLD TIMES
THE MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE
FINAL LESSONS
BACK AT SCHOOL
STRANGERS
LYING
ANXIETY 2
DAD
NOT READY FOR CHANGE
MAKING PLANS
WHEN
BULLYING
CAUGHT OUT
FIRST COMPETITION OF THE SEASON
WARM-UPS
FOCUS
THE RACE 1
MORTIFIED
MAKING AMENDS
HARPREET’S WEDDING
A NOTE
SELF-LEARNING
A SECOND CHANCE
SUCCESS
NERVES 1
NERVES 2
NERVES 3
LOVE IS IN THE AIR
TENSION
SEEN
HE SAYS
TEMPLE
FEAR
CONSUMED
FIGHT BACK
FIGHTING BACK
UNDESERVING
ICELAND LEAFLET
MUM
DAD’S BACK 4
REBEL
SEVEN: OVERTHROW ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 7
STANDING STRONG
PACKING OUR BAGS
A BARRIER
LETTING GO
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU …
DRIVING AWAY
THE DRIVE
A NEW HOME
PANIC ATTACK
THE LIE
FRIENDS
SLEEPLESS NIGHT AMBER
MUM
RUBY
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES
FAIL
BUNKING OFF SCHOOL
NEW ROUTINES
PARK RUNS
PLANTING SEEDS
COUNSELLING SESSION 1
IS IT TOO LATE?
DAD
CONFLICTED
A VACANCY
RUBY HAS TAKEN
FINALS
NEW BEGINNINGS
COUNSELLING SESSION 2
WHAT I TALK ABOUT
SECRETS
NORMAL
RUBY AND MUM
JAS
A NEW BEDROOM
A NEW DAY
RUBY AND JAS
COUNSELLING SESSION 3
STARTING TO UNDERSTAND
SEEING DAD
UCAS FORMS
7TH MAY LOOMS
UNSUCCESSFUL
MACKIE D’S
7TH MAY
I RUN
CHOSEN
CELEBRATIONS
WHAT HAPPENED TO DAD?
CORRECTION
RUBY’S TRUTH
PROGRESS
CHECKING UP
HIDDEN POTENTIAL
COUNSELLING WITH GEMMA
UNIVERSITY
NEW HOME
EIGHT: PEACE ANATOMY OF A REVOLUTION STAGE 8
HEADSPACE
READING
A NEW MUM
INNER STRUGGLE
OLD FEARS
PROUD
HOUSE-WARMING
THE BOY
LONDON!
FIRST KISS
BREATHING
THE RACE 2
DEAR MR WALKER
EPILOGUE
AUTHOR Q&A
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Manjeet is an actress, playwright, screenwriter and director. She is the founder of Run The World – an organization that works with women and girls from marginalized backgrounds and helps to empower them through sport and storytelling. She lives in Kent.
For
Joe
and
all the women and girls who dare to rebel
A wound.
Triggered
by a beating.
It grew.
Thriving
on neglect.
It swelled.
Flourishing
on her spine.
When ripe,
a clotted
blister.
It.
Crippled.
Her.
Weighing down
on her
too-small
frame
for her
adolescent age.
My. Mother.
Sat
hunchback,
working.
Silent.
Ignored and ignoring
pins of
prickly pain pulsing.
What’s wrong with your daughter?
a neighbour asked.
She’s not
sitting or standing upright?
It’s been weeks.
My grandmother
looked at
my mother
as if she were
observing her
for the first time.
My grandmother
fell
to
the
floor.
Crumpled like a sheet
falling from
a washing line,
my mother tells me.
Slumped
on the back
of a motorbike,
my mother travelled
along dusty dirt tracks,
through several Indian villages
to the nearest hospital.
The poison
drained.
The rotten flesh
carved,
gouged,
burrowed
out.
My mother
concealed her
anger.
Her mother
showed no
remorse.
The wound –
now
a scar.
The size
of a fist.
A crater
buried between
shoulder blades.
It is the curse of being a girl,
my mother tells me.
You are the property of your
parents, husband, brothers.
You endure,
never question it.
I question it.
RESTLESSNESS
People feel restless.
restrictions,
forced to
accept
less.
Preparing to fight,
accepting all
they will
lose.
Built-in fear
of our families,
the community,
we are observed
through the gaze of others.
Socialized into tracking each other.
Friends, neighbours, family.
Is she where she should be?
Should she be out this late?
Who is that she’s walking with?
Watching.
Monitoring
and dying to get out.
Bewakoof.
The Punjabi word for
stupid.
I.
Am.
Stupid.
Nikame.
The Punjabi word for
useless.
I.
Am.
Useless.
My name is
Amber Rai.
Amber.
The stone of
courage.
The soul
of a
tiger.
Rai,
from the Sanskrit raja.
A title of honour.
A leader.
A king.
A chief.
But
at home
I am
stupid
and
I am
useless.
No one wanted my mother.
No one wanted her mother,
and no one wanted her mother.
It goes on and on
now and
way back then.
No one wanted Ruby.
No one wanted me.
My sister Ruby and I
have heard
the stories.
The sadness that
cloaked
our births.
The prayers
and temple visits,
wishing,
wishing
we would come out
as boys.
So we are born
in all our
feminine form
and reminded
of our
burden
every day.
We are obedient.
We are small.
We are quiet.
To prove
we are
not
a burden.
We are still reminded
that we are a
burden.
It eats away at you.
If girls are never wanted,
how do you expect
to get
your
precious
little
boy?
No matter how small or quiet I am expected to be,
I find my voice on the running track. It’s where I’m truly alive.
Words boomerang from trainer to tarmac. Creating
ripples in every corner of my body until all
knock-downs, run-ins, face-offs and scraps
have been twisted wrung exhausted
up
up
and released up
into the clouds and sky above.
So simple. To run.
A professional athlete.
It’s a stupid dream.
Ruby’s dreams were crushed.
She was overpowered, tamed.
She chose not to fight.
Mum must have had dreams.
She’s never spoken of them.
Must be too painful.
Dad sleep-talks his dreams.
They keep us awake at night.
Dreams trapped in nightmares.
Home
is not
where my
heart is.
Freedom
usually comes
at a
price.
I am restless,
my feet
need to fly.
It’s only
a matter
of time.
Correction.
I fear
it’s only
a matter
of
time.
I leave for school earlier than usual.
Meeting with Tara and David at our secret place.
My stomach doing flips holding in – excitement.
Not seeing them over the summer makes holidays – unbearable.
Correction.
Not seeing David over the summer makes holidays
HELL ON EARTH.
I turn out of my estate, take in the tree-lined street that surrounds
me and leave the looming high-rises behind.
Palm Wood Estate
is one of the roughest
and biggest estates
in the country.
Streets in the sky dreams
turned to
sinkhole nightmares.