the former managers to promote to director, they selected Todd. “Floyd’s
a great guy,” said one, “but he doesn’t handle change wel . This merger
has completely rattled him.”
Bullies set games in motion and win if we play their games. If you
want to escape a bully’s control, you need to put on your game face,
and then change the game.
PUT ON YOUR GAME FACE
Whoever said “fake it till you make it” spoke wisely. Here’s a quick
experiment that may surprise you. Stand or sit as if you’re depressed.
Your head goes down, your shoulders slump, and your chest bows
inward. Now, maintain that stance while thinking “confidence,
energy, enthusiasm, and power.” If you’re like most people, these pos-
itive words make you want to straighten up.
Now, stand as if you just won the Publishers Clearing House’s mil-
lion-dollar prize. Chances are that your demeanor changed to one of
exuberance and excitement. Now, allow yourself to feel intimidated,
fearful, humiliated, or depressed and, at the same time, try to main-
tain that joyous stance. Did you find it hard to do?
That’s the impact of how you feel on how you look. How you
feel impacts how you physically stand or sit and how you stand or sit
impacts what you feel. The good news is you can learn how to put on
a game face and simultaneously make yourself feel more confident.
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62 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
LOOK AT YOURSELF FROM THE OUTSIDE IN
When a bully confronts you, do you quake inside? Or visibly telegraph
that you’re intimidated by trembling or reddening? Do you show your
fear by breathing rapidly and shallowly? Bullies watch body language
and pounce when they detect hesitancy.
What if instead of trembling and breathing faster, you took a calm-
ing breath, visualized an image that gave you a sense of strength, and
then stood or sat tall with your head up, chin out, and eyes focused
on what was in front of you? Not only would you send an “I’m not the
easy prey you think” nonverbal message, your stance would have a
positive effect on how you felt inside, where you most needed it.
Let’s try another experiment. Sit like a lady (even you guys), ankles
crossed, hands folded in your lap. Could you possibly take up any less
space? Do you feel submissive in that position? You do the same thing
to yourself when you fear a bully’s attack and sit slouched with your
eyes averted, shoulders slumped, chest caved in, and head down. In
other words, you increase your feeling of surrender.
Now sit like a confident, secure, assertive individual, and you’ll
notice that you immediately take up more space even though your
body size doesn’t actually change.
How do you stand when you are nervous or feel intimidated?
Slouched to the side or erect as a strong, assertive, confident person
would? Try this experiment. Stand erect, legs apart, head up, eyes
open, chin out, and your weight balanced equally on both feet. Notice
how it feels. Then slouch to the left or right, lower your head, and
hunch your shoulders. In which position do you feel stronger?
Take a few minutes to practice sitting tall while you breathe deeply
and slowly. You can read while you do this. How does this posture
make you feel? If you’re like most of us, physically sitting or standing
erect and thus acting “as if” you feel confident both strengthens you
from the outside in and sends a message to the bully and others.
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Put on Your Game Face: Don’t Play by the Bully’s Rules ❚ 63
Let’s add additional armor. Just as in the last chapter, you thought
of a loved one, child, pet, or nature scene to ground yourself, visualize
an image that gives you strength—perhaps someone you love, a cher-
ished grandparent, someone who symbolizes bravery, or a mountain
range. Now, focus on this image as you sit or stand erect.
Once you have the image in your mind, practice mentally flash-
ing on it while paying full attention to whatever’s going on around you
at the same time as you adopt a stance or sitting posture that exudes
strength and confidence. By mentally multitasking and marshaling
your outward appearance, you will learn to act at ease when con-
fronted, even when initially intimidated, by a bully. In this way, you
mentally prepare yourself to handle effectively whatever comes and
simultaneously send a strong, nonverbal signal to anyone planning to
bully or actually bullying you.
Do you remain silent when bullied? Bullies pick on people who don’t
fight back and tread on those, like Sonja and Tova, who allow them
to. They count on their ability to intimidate you. They try to control
you with demands. They weaken you with demeaning statements.
Remain silent and you collude with bullies. If you kowtow,
acquiesce, or “turn the other cheek,” hoping to avoid conflict, you
may discover that bullies often slap that other cheek. If you want to
avoid bully-collusion, you have to speak up in a manner that says, “I
stand up to you. I stand up for me.” To do otherwise offers bullies a
green light.
Make the Rules: Set Limits
A sign outside a coffee shop says, “Unattended children will be given
espresso and a free kitten.” With that simple statement the coffee shop
declares, “Parents, don’t let your kids run loose.” Similarly, you refuse
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64 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
to play the bully’s game when you decide what is right for you, and
what you will and won’t allow. This means setting boundaries for how
you’ll let others treat you.
It may be hard for you to set boundaries if you:
❚ Don’t know yourself
❚ Put others’ needs and feelings first
❚ Fear that setting boundaries might jeopardize relation-
ships you want
❚ Don’t believe you have rights
You can learn to create boundaries by thinking about the work
life you want for yourself, then describing this life in terms of what
you feel you have the right to expect from others. These statements
become your personal “bill of rights.”
My Personal Bill of Rights
Here are some sample statements to get you started. You may
decide you want to adopt all of them; you may want to add
others:
I have the right to my own point of view and to express my
opinions.
I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and
feelings.
I have the right to make my own decisions.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to be successful.
I have the right to keep my personal life private.
I treat others with respect and I deserve to be treated with
respect.
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Put on Your Game Face: Don
’t Play by the Bully’s Rules ❚ 65
What do these boundaries mean?
If you have the right to your own opinions and a workplace bully
tells you what to think about coworkers, your supervisor, or situations,
you have the right to say, “I don’t see it that way.” If someone talks
over you, you have the right to say what you intended to say after the
interrupter finishes. While you generally don’t need to interrupt him,
don’t let his talking over you take away your right to speak. If he does
it again, you have the right to say, “Let me finish.”
If you have the right to judge your own behavior and you work
with a judgmental bully who puts you down, you have the right to
assess yourself and counter her criticism or, realizing her negative
comments say more about her than they do about you, say nothing.
If you have the right to make your own decisions, and you work
alongside someone who persists in deciding for you, you have the right
to say, “I don’t agree. Here’s what I’ve decided.”
If you have the right to ask for what you want, you can ask for
respect in all interactions. You have the right, for example, to ask
your boss for a raise. If this leads to an insulting discussion that
makes you wither, you have the right to look for a job that offers
the respect you deserve. Chapters 8, 9, and 20 offer strategies to
use when circumstances prevent you from seeking new employment
and you work for a boss who persistently treats you less well than
you deserve.
If you have the right to be successful and a bully coworker pro-
claims “You’re getting a big head,” or “Who do you think you are?”
when you shine, you have the right to see jealousy for what it is. Chap-
ter 9 offers novel ways to put jealous snipers in their place.
If you have the right to keep your personal life private, and the
bully at your workplace persists in asking personal questions, you have
the right to answer, “That’s really none of your business.”
If you treat others with respect, even when they don’t deserve it, it
says a great deal about you. It says that respect is one of your core val-
ues. Similarly, you absolutely have the right to be treated with respect
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66 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
by everyone in your workplace, whether it’s your supervisor, your
coworker, or, if you supervise others, your employees. If you decide
that respect is an inalienable right and someone treats you poorly, you
have the right to say, “I don’t allow that.”
Warning: Don’t violate your own boundaries by:
❚ Smiling at a joke you find offensive
❚ Pretending to agree when you disagree
❚ Going along with a bully who does something you don’t
like
❚ Concealing your true feelings
❚ Pushing yourself or allowing yourself to be pushed beyond
your limits
❚ Allowing disrespect
Set the Rules; End the Game
How does refusing to play the game work and what does it look like in
action? When you refuse to play the bully’s game, you end the game.
“Don’t mind me,” your bully says.
“I do mind.”
With a single, assertive statement, you change the game.
If the bully yells “Is that all you got done?” at you, you can send
your bully a “this far and no further” message by simply answering
“Yes” instead of explaining defensively all you did and how long it
took.
Can you answer in this way without losing your job if the individ-
ual yelling at you is your boss? Let’s try it.
Your boss yells at you, “Is that all you got done?”
The response, “Yes, and what would you like me to handle next?”
avoids defensiveness yet gives no offense.
When you refuse to play the game the bully sets in motion, you
end the game.
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Put on Your Game Face: Don’t Play by the Bully’s Rules ❚ 67
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
1. During the next two days, notice your posture. Are you
standing tal ? What about when you’re confronted by a
bul y? If you notice yourself shrinking, take a breath; visualize
something that gives you power, and stand tall before you
speak. Don’t wait until you feel strong inside to act strong.
This week, practice standing, sitting, and walking strong
every day.
You may find that when you first try this, you overdo it.
Don’t let that stop you. Learning how to stand and walk
strong is like learning to ride a bike. Once you get the hang
of it, you’ll find it feels increasingly natural; eventual y, it
becomes second nature.
2. If you haven’t yet created an image that gives you a sense
of strength or power, create one now. It may help you to
consider some of the iconic actresses (Katharine Hepburn,
Sandra Bul ock, or Barbra Streisand) or actors (Clint East-
wood, John Wayne, or Denzel Washington) who’ve played
strong roles. Or, you could find a picture on the Internet of a
mountain peak (Denali, Everest) that symbolizes steadfast
strength.
3. Find a mirror and walk toward it. If you were watching you,
what would you see as you walked forward? Are your shoul-
ders slumped? Is your chin tucked down? How would you
describe your body language if you didn’t know you?
Back up and walk forward again with good posture,
your back straight, your shoulders squared, and your head
up. Here’s a chal enge: All week long, practice walking for-
ward with strong strides and your head up, chin out, eyes
open, and shoulders back.
4. This week, try an experiment. In at least one situation,
pretend to be brave even if you don’t feel brave. What
changed? How did it feel?
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68 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
5. Do you have or have you ever had a bul y in your work life?
If not, imagine what it would be like and answer these ques-
tions accordingly. How does your body language change
when you’re around this person? When you walk into the
bul y’s office or work area, does your head go down, do
your shoulders slump? Do you cringe or slightly cower?
6. If you resolved that from this day forward you will project
an air of self-confidence, what will you tell yourself to help
you accomplish this? How will you change your body
language?
7. Create your personal bill of rights. What does each right
mean to you?
8. What prevents you from exercising those rights? How will
your life be different if you do?
9. Describe one or two situations in which you need to estab-
lish boundaries. What boundaries might you establish? How
could you express those boundaries creatively (as did the
coffeehouse that let parents know unattended children
would be given a free kitten)?
10. What makes setting boundaries hard for you?
11. Have you ever violated your own boundaries? If so, where
and when? What led you to do so?
12. Have you heard a bul y statement recently? If not, make
one up. What “game over” response could you have given?
13. If you want further aid in standing tall or marshaling your
inner and outer strength, call local martial arts studios. Most
give one free lesson, and you may find you love martial arts
training.
14. What insights did you get from this chapter? How can you
benefit from them?
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
7
THE EIGHT MOST COMMON BULLY
TRAPS AND HOW TO AVOID THEM
Courage is fire, and bullying is smoke.
—BENJAMIN DISRAELI
LIKABLE ADAM PRIDED HIMSELF on seeing the best in everyone, so
when Geoff blasted Adam’s ideas for reshaping their department
at the staff meeting, Adam thought, “Geoff’s having a bad day.”
Later, Geoff said in a stage whisper to his sidekick, “Our baby manag-
er’s pitiful. Can you believe the garbage that comes out of his mouth?”
Adam told himself that Geoff was just having a hard time because Adam
had received the promotion Geoff wanted and would come around if
given time.
Later that week, as Adam carried two hot, brimful cups of tea back to
his desk for another manager and himself, Geoff deliberately bumped
into him. “Yeow!” yelped Adam. Geoff guffawed and asked the young
receptionist passing them in the hal way, “You hear that cat imitation?”
She giggled.
Not knowing what to say, Adam said nothing as he moved off. Adam
didn’t let his manager know about any of this because (1) he thought
he should be able to handle the Geoff situation himself and (2) he
feared his manager would think he’d promoted the wrong employee if
he couldn’t.
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70 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
If, like Adam, you take the ostrich approach, you signal you’re
easy prey and give your bully time to gain the upper hand and allow
him to take aim at your vulnerabilities.
Bullies lay traps. They thrive on pushing your buttons and mak-
ing you react. In that way, they lead you to make mistakes that give
them the upper hand.
Knowledge is power. In this chapter you will learn how to recog-