what actions will you take or recommend to protect your
organization from liability and your employees from cyber-
bul ying? This is a good time to put in place an anti-bul ying
policy such as the draft one offered in Chapter 26.
7. What advice would you give to someone facing a cyberbul y?
NOTES
1. Noam Lapidot-Lefler and Azy Barak, “Effects of Anonymity, Invisibility,
and Lack of Eye-Contact on Toxic Online Disinhibition,” Computers in
Human Behavior, 28, no. 2 (March 2012): 434–443.
2. Proskauer, Social Networks in the Workplace Around the World, http://
www.proskauer.com/files/uploads/Documents/Survey-Social-Networks-
in-the-Workplace-Around the-World.pdf.
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
20
HOW TO SURVIVE
THE BULLY BOSS
At the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring
greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold
and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
—THEODORE ROOSEVELT
WHEN NANCY ARRIVED AT her new job, prior to 8 a.m., she
poked her head into the accounting manager’s office. “Hi,
I’m reporting for duty,” Nancy said brightly.
“Whoops,” responded Yvonne, “We don’t pay overtime.”
“I wouldn’t charge overtime, I thought I’d just get to my desk and get
a head start. I promise I won’t sign in.”
“I appreciate your enthusiasm, but if I let you upstairs,” said Yvonne,
biting off her words, “it’s on my head.”
“Okay,” said Nancy, “I’ll wait.”
At two minutes before 8:00, she returned. Yvonne looked up and said
“I’ll take you up. You’re required to be at your work station by 8 a.m. every day; however, you’re not al owed to sign in until 8:00. Also, lateness is not al owed—not even a minute.”
“Okay,” said Nancy, as they headed upstairs. “Do you know when my
boss gets in and if there’s an orientation?”
Strain clearly showing on her face, Yvonne replied, “Our general
manager prefers to orient you himself. He’ll be in when he’s in.”
Nancy looked shocked.
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How to Survive the Bully Boss ❚ 165
“I’m sorry,” said Yvonne, “It’s just that Steve has certain rules and we
don’t question him.”
“No problem. I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped.”
After Yvonne left, Nancy turned her computer on, and was cleaning
her desk drawers when she heard heavy footsteps.
A man stuck his head through her doorway, and in a deep, raspy
voice snapped, “I’ll see you, now.”
“Yes, sir,” Nancy said, hustling after Steve into his office. There were no
chairs in front of Steve’s desk, so she stood while he sat down, thudding
into a giant, black leather chair.
“Pay attention, and you’ll do wel ,” declared Steve, without any
welcoming preamble. “I expect eight hours’ work for eight hours’ pay.
Phone numbers are to be repeated twice for accuracy. I expect total
discretion. Plus, I don’t like idiot questions.”
“Yes, sir.” Nancy shivered.
“I’m done,” bellowed Steve, with obvious irritation.
Nancy fled back to her desk.
THE BULLY BOSS TURNS A JOB INTO A NIGHTMARE
Bully bosses chip away at their employees’ self-confidence and poten-
tial with belittling comments. They demand instant and complete
obedience. If you challenge the bully boss’s opinions, or ask too many
questions, the “I rule” boss reacts angrily, forcing you to back down
and teaching you to keep your mouth shut.
Bully bosses dominate, exploit, and devalue their staff. Their idea
of give and take is they take, you give. They ferret out your vulnerabil-
ities and use them as ammunition. Even if you’re used to standing up
for yourself, you may find yourself outgunned and defeated.
Bully bosses rarely see themselves as bullies. Instead, they see
employees and others as the problem, often saying things like “You’ve
got to kick people to get them going” or “I’m yelling because they
don’t hear me unless I shout.”
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166 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Bully managers live in a feedback vacuum because peers don’t
call them on their behavior, and subordinates don’t voice concerns,
fearing they’ll be fired.
REAL-WORLD TACTICS THAT WORK
NANCY RECOGNIZED THE situation for what it was. She’d been married
to a bul y who’d died of a heart attack at fifty-six, but not before he’d
flattened her self-esteem. She gritted her teeth and reminded herself
that it took her three months to land this job.
She returned to her computer and plowed into the piles of work on
her desk. Twice, Nancy knocked softly on Steve’s door.
“What d’ya want?” he asked.
“I have completed letters for your signature.”
“Wel , bring them in!”
As Nancy handed them to him, she saw the plaque, “It IS my way or
the highway, and the highway is right out front.” She suppressed a smile.
She couldn’t have asked for a more “in your face” bul y.
After her husband died, she’d sought out a grief counselor, who told
her she needed to repair her self-esteem as well as grieve. Nancy real-
ized quickly what she might gain from a short stint working for Steve.
Tactic # 1: Help Them Attain Their Goals
Bullies appreciate those who enhance their reputation and help them
realize their ambitions. By supporting your boss you decrease the like-
lihood you’ll be the victim of choice.
Tactic #2: Avoid Confronting a Bul y Boss
DURING NANCY’S FINAL counseling session, she’d told the counselor,
“I’m afraid to ever date again. What if I pick another bul y?”
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How to Survive the Bully Boss ❚ 167
“You now have bul y radar,” the counselor assured her. “If you date
someone who acts like a bul y, you’ll dump him. If you end up working
with bul ies, consider it practice in how to stand up to them.”
“You mean fight them?”
“You can stand up to bul ies without a fight. The trick is to not let them
destroy your sense of wel -being or force you to retreat.”
As Steve blew by her desk on his way out to lunch, Nancy thought,
“This guy may be my final exam in handling bul ies without letting them
trash my self-worth.”
Nancy learned Steve’s triggers and took great satisfaction in doing a
better job than he expected. She kept her head down and worked hard.
She sensed that Steve was trying to bury her in work so he could blow up
when she cracked.
Don’t challenge bully bosses by expressing your opinions or ask-
ing questions. Instead, if you can tolerate their arrogance, let them
know what you admire about them and quietly go about doing what
you think is right. Learn what triggers their anger so you can avoid
setting them off.
Tactic # 3: Don’t Expect Their Approval or Loyalt
y
Even if they temporarily treat you well, bullies’ positive regard can
evaporate in a nanosecond. Then, they’ll turn on you no matter how
much you’ve done. Bullies are guided by their own risk/reward radar.
They pick on the weakest members of their team first; however, even
if you don’t fall into that category, you can’t afford to threaten them.
Instead, strengthen yourself, inwardly and outwardly, by developing
an ally base.
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168 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
Tactic #4: Use the Bul y Boss’s Interest in Their Favorite
Person—Themselves
ONCE A DAY Nancy grabbed coffee from the break room and ate
her sandwich at her desk. On her second week, she walked in on two
coworkers she’d not met, who were betting on how long she’d last.
“Hi! Can I get a cut if I stay?” The two jumped. “So what odds are you
giving me?”
“Ten to one that you won’t last out the month.”
“Has he always been this bad?”
“Ha!” one snorted. “You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen him
in a rage.” They heard heavy footsteps coming down the hal . All three
scrambled out the door and back to their desks.
That night, Nancy began looking for a new job. Not wanting word to
get back to Steve that she was job hunting, she omitted her new job from
her résumé and used her maiden name, thinking it was time to legal y
change her name anyway.
Two months later, she lined up a new job. By then, she’d met and liked
many of her coworkers. Several told her how surprised they were that
she “wasn’t a b----.” The first man who made that comment said, “Your
predecessor was. We all figured that was what it took to handle working
that close to Steve.”
Nancy wanted to do something for her coworkers before she left. She
was getting out, but, in the tight job market, many of them were stuck
working for Steve. Also, most of them liked their work, although not the
oppressive environment.
As she’d suspected, Steve had put her through trial by fire and,
because she’d handled it without faltering, now relied on her. While he
barked at her occasional y, he often asked for her thoughts about one
of his plans. Wisely, she always told him what she admired about what-
ever he proposed, and never voiced objections. Because she opened
his mail, Nancy also seized the opportunity to put things into his mail
stack she wanted him to see.
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How to Survive the Bully Boss ❚ 169
When she learned about 360° reviews, she sought out information
and realized the potential benefits.
Generally, bully bosses have an inflated view of themselves, their
leadership qualities, and how much their employees admire them—
and they like having those views confirmed. If you work for a bully
boss, consider what you appreciate about him or her and let the boss
know it.
Bully bosses also desire information that they can use as ammuni-
tion to increase their control of their employees and organizations. As
a result, they often accept a consultant’s or human resources profes-
sional’s suggestion to implement a 360° review. Sometimes, this neu-
trally gathered information can convince a bully boss to learn new
ways of treating others.
Tactic #5: Document Your Boss’s Behavior
If your bully boss runs your department rather than the organization,
or reports to a board of directors, demonstrating the cost to the orga-
nization in morale, productivity, and turnover carries great weight.
When you have enough documentation bring it to the chief executive
officer or board chair’s attention; it may convince them to rein in the
bully.
Tactic #6: Know Your Legal Rights
While bully bosses may rule their organizations or departments,
they don’t rule the world. If your bully boss discriminates illegally
against you and you’re a member of a protected category based, for
example, on your age, sex, race, or pregnancy, or a part of another
statutorily protected group, seek help from your state’s Human Rights
Commission or from the federal Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission.
If your bully boss lashes out at you because you’ve engaged in a
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170 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
protected activity, such as protecting your right to work in a safe work-
place, document the situation and bring it to the attention of the rele-
vant regulatory body. Chapter 27 provides a full list of the protected
activities and categories that may help you take out your bully boss.
Tactic #7: Don’t Let Your Bully Boss Steal Your Visibility
This is especially true if you’ve generated new, innovative ideas that
may help you leapfrog past your boss in the organization’s hierarchy.
Establish credit for your ideas before a bully boss claims your work as
his or her own.
Tactic #8: Besting the Bul y Boss
ONCE NANCY KNEW she had another job lined up, she cal ed a con-
sultant on her personal cell phone and outlined the situation. “I have a
tyrant boss—fifty-three people in this organization and one man makes
their lives miserable. I’m thinking a 360° review would hold a mirror up to
our boss.”
“It does, better than almost anything else I know.”
“Would it be possible to do one of these reviews and keep it
confidential?”
“Everyone emails me their forms. They can do it from their home
computers or another computer that’s not part of your office network
because anything that is sent from your network to an outside third party
can be captured and reviewed. Or, I can send you fifty-three printed
can mail them to me confidential y.”
“What if our boss asks you for them and recognizes people’s
handwriting?”
“You have my word I’ll input the data and shred the original
questionnaires.”
“We have a plan.”
The consultant provided a brochure along with the names of the larg-
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How to Survive the Bully Boss ❚ 171
est companies for which she’d done 360°s. Nancy slid the information
into Steve’s stack of mail and placed the mail on Steve’s desk.
“What the hell is this crap?” he asked her, fishing out the brochure on
the 360° leader review.
“What, sir?”
“This stuff from some management consultant?”
“Oh,” she said, as she took the brochure. “I’ve heard about these.
A lot of Fortune 500 companies are using them, but only for their top
leaders.”
“Hrmh!” Steve grunted.
As she exited, she heard Steve making a cal , and crossed her fingers.
Nancy handed Steve her resignation the day after she knew most
employees had mailed in their questionnaires. As she
had predicted, he
fired her on the spot. “Thank you, sir,” she said gaily. “I consider that an A.”
Your Turn: Where Are You Now?
If you have not encountered a bul y boss, imagine what it
would be like if you had, and answer the fol owing questions
accordingly.
1. Have you worked for a bul y? What bul ying behaviors did
your boss exhibit?
2. In what ways did this boss try to control or dominate you?
3. What other maladaptive behaviors did your boss exhibit?
4. What happened to your self-confidence when you worked
with this boss?
5. In what other ways did your bul y boss affect you?
6. Did your bul y boss realize he or she was a bul y?
7. Nancy helped her bul y boss realize his goals; did you use a
similar strategy?
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172 ❚ BEATING THE WORKPLACE BULLY
8. Although Nancy didn’t fight her bul y boss, in what ways did
she stand up for herself?
9. How did you strengthen yourself internal y?
10. How have you found and used al ies?
11. Were you able to access a member of the board of direc-
tors or a manager more senior than your bul y boss to help
you?
12. If you’ve been bested in the past by a bul y, how could suc-
cessful y handling a bul y transform your life?
13. If you currently work under a bul y boss, are there any reg-
ulatory agencies, such as the Human Rights Commission or
the Department of Labor, that can help you? (Note: You will
find more ideas in Chapter 27.)
14. How did your bul y boss’s behavior affect others?
15. How did the boss’s behavior affect morale and
productivity?
16. What did you do to cope? What did others do to cope?
What worked? What didn’t work or made things worse?
What would you do differently in the future?
17. What advice would you give to someone who works for a
bul y boss?
American Management Association • www.amanet.org
21
HANDLING THE BULLY EMPLOYEE
WITHOUT GETTING BURNED
Nothing is a waste of time if you
use the experience wisely.
—AUGUSTE RODIN
EARLIER, YOU MET golden boy employee Geoff, who bullied his